A love lost and loves sacrifice
by hoppinghamster
Summary: A post-endgame story. What will happen to Chakotay, Seven and Janeway?... A C/J story... This was written as an epilogue to One mans terrorist is another mans freedom fighter but can be read on it's own... read it to find out...
1. Introduction

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 1**

**Introduction.**

**This is a post-Endgame story using the Kathryn and Chakotay I developed in my previous fan fiction called '****One mans terrorist is another mans freedom fighter'**** I will be using the Kathryn and Chakotay I created in my mind there. This story can be read as a stand-alone story but is also an epilogue to my original story so if you want to read that one first it might be good. It can be found at ****.net/s/6613226/1/One_mans_terrorist_is_another_mans_freedom_fighter**

**Thanks.**

Kathryn Janeway walked into a meeting at Starfleet headquarters closely followed by two security officers. She stood before no fewer than nine of Starfleet's finest admirals. "Captain" Said one of the sterner looking admirals she didn't know, "So nice of you to join us for this little meeting today."

"Like I had much of a choice." She said coolly in her usual husky voice. Voyager had flown into the Alpha Quadrant four day's ago. As soon as they landed at Starfleet Headquarters a quarantine was put in place and Kathryn was removed from her own bridge before she was able to find out what had happened to the rest of her crew.

Owen Paris who was one of the admirals there had been allowed to visit her in her cell as he recognised himself as the role of father in her life. Owen told her the entire Voyager crew we in prison, including Miral his grandchild and Naomi. Owen had told her there was only one way to Starfleet were going to set her crew free and when the time came she would know what that was. Something told Kathryn that this was the time she would find out.

"Come now my dear captain we are civilized human beings here." Said the unknown admiral gesturing to a single chair in the centre of the grey room where the only other furniture was the long desk at which the admirals sat in front of her.

"Then why do you have my entire crew held in custody?" Kathryn spat without moving. "Including two children," she continued shooting a glance at Owen who sat motionless staring at her at the end of the table "one of whom has only been alive a matter of days." Kathryn said as she stared at Owen who diverted his eyes and hung his head at the mention of his grandchild.

"Precautions captain, I am sure you understand." Admiral Haze told her slightly sarcastically.

"Not really no." Kathryn replied coolly. "Admiral, you and I both know why I am here, let us not pretend." With that the two security officers in yellow behind her took both of her upper arms and guided her to sit on the empty chair at the centre of the room where they held her. Kathryn looked from one to the other and gave them both her best 'Janeway death glare' before looking sternly down the long line of admirals, all of whom seemed to now be finding it hard to meet her eyes. "Please do cut to the chase." She said calmly as she met the wavering eyes of the centre admiral, the unknown one who had spoken before.

"We have a large number of terrorist in custody." That admiral said, "All of whom I think you know well, one of whom is your first officer." Picking up his PADD to check his details the admiral said "Mr. err Chakootee" He was clearly struggling to pronounce Chakotay's name and had said it wrong. Which angered Kathryn because it was a great insult to Chakotay and his people to pronounce his sacred name incorrectly.

"Chakotay" She snapped and even took herself aback when she realised how much pain thinking of Chakotay brought her. She had loved him for seven long years but only hours before Voyager flew into the Alpha Quadrant Kathryn had found out Chakotay was in a seemingly serious relationship with Seven of nine, her protégé and surrogate daughter.

"Yes well, your first officer friend." The admiral spat bringing Kathryn back to her senses, clearly he didn't care he had got Chakotay's name wrong nor was he happy about being corrected by a prisoner in front of all the other admirals.

"He was defending his home colony because the federation were not prepared to do so." Kathryn insisted defending Chakotay's honour and reasoning.

"Yes well those individuals aside," The admiral who still hadn't introduced himself continued clearly wanting to get off the subject of the federation and Cardassian treaty. "A Mr. Thomas Eugene Paris." He continued. At this point admiral Paris looked like he wanted to sink right into his chair and never have to get up again.

"Tom yes what about Tom?" Kathryn asked feeling agitated and annoyed now but was trying very hard to keep her cool.

"He skipped his parole board review." A third admiral spoke up, it was like all the admirals were trying desperately to not look at her and avoid her gaze.

"Excuse me admiral did you just say what I thought I heard you say?" Kathryn asked in horror as she stared from that admiral to Owen Paris Toms dad but Owen was staring unblinkingly at his clasped hands in front of himself. Tom had been a prisoner to the Federation and had been offered freedom in exchange fore going with Voyager on a three week mission to capture the Maquis ship, after that he would return for a parole board review and if all went well would be granted freedom. When Voyager was flung on their seven-year journey back from the Delta Quadrant of course he missed his parole board review but surely Starfleet were not going to hold him to that now.

"Therefore he stands as a convicted traitor still needing to serve his sentence." The centre admiral that Kathryn still didn't know informed her.

"This is so stupid!" Kathryn Shrieked "What about Miral?" she asked as she stared at Owen.

"Miral?" The admiral asked in confusion and quickly understanding said, "Ah yes, Miral Torres-Paris the baby."

"The four day old baby!" Kathryn shouted looking at Owen again; surely he would stick up for his grandchild.

"The daughter of two convicted terrorists." The admiral pressed on "Come now captain we are reasonable here at Starfleet, the child shall be taken into custody and adopted into a different family." And then with a sly smile at the look of horror on Kathryn's face as she search Owen for some back up regarding his grandchild the admiral told her, "here I must point out that as their marriage was conducted out of federation space and between a federation prisoner and a federation outlaw we do not recognise it."

"Over my dead body!" She screamed launching to her feet only to find herself being pushed down by the much stronger hands of the two security officers

"That brings us the Ensign Harry Kim." The admiral told her coldly.

"Harry! He is as green Starfleet as they come!" She said hurriedly searching each the admirals who refused to look at her.

"But is he the real human Harry Kim?" Admiral haze asked her.

"Of course he is!" she insisted unsure where this was going. Kathryn had already been through four days of mission debriefings with other admirals and kept in a prison cell unable to see her family or her crew she was well and truly pissed off.

A female Admiral who again Kathryn didn't know spoke up, "According to your own mission report Ensign Harry Kim died on board Voyager at a time when a copy ship had been made. The Copy Harry Kim came on board your ship before the copy of yourself destroyed the copy ship. The same is true for the Wildman child, errm… "

"Naomi Wildman." Kathryn informed her feeling very annoyed they clearly hadn't bothered to care about individuals of their names; these were real people not just simply away mission reports.

"Yes Naomi Wildman, the same is equally true for her." Said the female admiral "Can we be sure they are the real human beings?"

"Well young miss Wildman is half Katarian." Kathryn replied sarcastically.

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit my dear captain." The unknown admiral told her.

"Really I never knew that." She spat at him in an even more sarcastic tone. Kathryn really didn't care anymore; she was pissed off and angry that they hadn't even bothered to tell her their names.

Choosing to ignore her Kathryn pressed on picking up his PADD and saying, "let me see now, the Borg drone."

"Seven of nine is no longer a Borg we liberated her from the collective." Kathryn said and a slightly icier tone than she had too as she was still feeling to pang of knowing for only four days that Seven and the man she loved, Chakotay were now together, Chakotay had not waited for her. Kathryn was hurt that as they made it to each and she looked to her left the seat was empty, looking round she had seen him with Seven smiling other and not Kathryn.

"Until every inch of those cyborg implants are removed from her body she is a Borg drone." The female admiral told her "and this is an interesting piece of technology." She said as he lifted up the small sliver box they had collected in the 29th century.

"The doctors mobile emitter, it's from the 29th century." Kathryn stated coolly and truthfully.

"It is also the property of Starfleet." Admiral Haze told her. Kathryn was now finding it interesting that only three of the nine admirals were saying anything and Owen Paris looked sickly while the rest look positively ashamed to be there.

"But the doctor needs it to get around." Kathryn stated sincerely.

"He is able to exists in a single room, such as a sick bay." She was told by the female admiral.

"But with all the advances that he has added to his program to make him who he is you are as good as imprisoning him." Kathryn insisted but the admirals didn't seem to care.

"And what about Mr. Tuvok, your security officer." They pressed on.

"What about him?" Kathryn spat feeling very annoyed now.

"Some security officer he turned out to be." The female admiral spoke up sarcastically.

"What do you mean by that?" Kathryn spat disrespectfully trying to defend her more then extemporary security chief, and then adding "admiral" on the end in far more sarcastic tone than was needed.

"Assisting with the mutiny led by the mequis captain, err Cha- How was it you said his name?" the first unknown admiral asked.

"Chakotay" Kathryn stated feeling very annoyed. "And please do allow me to point out both Chakotay, Tuvok and the other Maquis were under an alien influence, as soon as that influence was lifted my ship was returned to me without question." She said loosing her temper now.

"Tell me captain how does it feel to be famous for being the captain who managed to loose her ship?" admiral Haze asked with a sly smile.

"I never lost it." She told him as she stared unblinkingly into his eyes. "I knew exactly where it was all of the time." And then with her own sly smile she told them "It was Starfleet headquarters who didn't know where it was." As she looked at each admiral who were avoiding her eyes she asked, "you mention my crew I assume I will be counted as part of my crew."

"Absolutely not," exclaimed the first admiral, "they are talking of making you an admiral for your achievements."

"What?" Kathryn exclaimed in horror "you want to keep an entire crew of a starship in custody but pardon the captain and make her an admiral! It's insane!"

"Let's talk about the Equinox." Admiral Haze said coolly.

"Let's not." spat Kathryn as she began to see how hopeless this was.

"Oh?" the female admiral asked, "Got something to hide captain? Something to deny?"

"I deny nothing." She said in her deep voice, as she looked at all the admirals in turn. Kathryn couldn't understand why there was nine admirals and two security officers present when only three of the admirals were actually talking, the others couldn't even bring themselves to say anything.

"Here it is," said the first unknown admiral as he handed a PADD to one of the security officers who then handed it to her.

"What's this?" She said snatching the PADD from the security officer and not even looking at it.

"Read it." Owen said with a look of pain in his eyes as she said something to her for the first time.

Kathryn looked down at the PADD and read; she had to read it a few times to fully understand what she was reading. "You want me to sign this?" she gasped; it was not quite what she had expected.

"Well if you deny nothing than it should be no problem for you." The female admiral told her coolly.

"A plea bargain." Kathryn whispered as she re-read what was written on the PADD.

"It's what any ships captain would do for her crew." The first admiral told her. Then taking a large intake of air almost as though he were ashamed he told her, "with out this we _will _keep your entire crew in custody, including the Wildman child but not including the Torres-Paris baby, and we will take then though trial and they will be found _guilty._"

Kathryn's eyes shot down the line of admirals, she could not believe she was hearing this, "but?" she asked them coolly.

"But captain?" admiral Haze asked her.

"But it's a lengthy and costly process and will take too much recourses to try one hundred and fifty people and detain them once they are found guilty so therefore you are offering me this plea bargain which will?" she asked.

"If you sine this and plea guilty and sole responsibility your entire crew, including the Wildman child, the maquis and the Borg, every one of them will be given a full pardon and set free. Your EMH will be given this as a gift and given free reign of the universe as he wish's." the female admiral said in a wavering and slightly ashamed voice. "There are many posts in Starfleet that will be available to all of your crew if they wish," Kathryn watched her solemnly and realised they well and truly had her over a barrel.

"After all lieutenants Paris and Torres were married on a federation ship, by a federation captain I am sure we can come to some agreement as to recognising their marriage." Admiral haze told her.

With a sigh Kathryn whispered, "of course you can" as she looked down at the PADD.

"It is they only way your crew will go free. Take it or leave it. But I must warn you Ms. Janeway once you turn it down and walk out that door it will not be offered to you again." The first unknown admiral asked.

Kathryn looked at Owen Paris the man who had become like a father to her after her own father had died. Kathryn saw pleading in his eyes for his son and grandchild. She also saw pain in Owens conflicted eyes for her, "and what will happen to me if I sign this?" she asked turning to the first admiral.

"You will be pleading guilty to knowingly breaking both the temporal prime directive and the prime directive. You will be pleading guilty to the attempted murder of Crewman Noah Lessing. And to treason against the federation." With a long pause he then continued, "You will be sentenced as such and made to carry out your sentence until the parole board sees fit."

"So it's blackmail, me or my crew?" She demanded.

"That's quite a crude way of putting it." Admiral haze said. "But effectively, yes." Kathryn could see the unease with all of the admiral's troubled and ashamed eyes.

"If I sign this I want complete assurance that every single one of my crew will go free, that the doctor will be given free and indefinite use of his mobile emitter, that Naomi and Harry will be left alone to live their lives." Looking down at the PADD and feeling her tears well up she continued to name her terms of the bargain, "That all the maquis and Tom Paris and the Equinox crew will be given a full pardon. That seven of nine will be recognised as human and allowed to live her life as such." glancing at Owen she continued, "I want assurance that Tom Paris and B'elanna Torres are recognised as married under the federation and will be allowed custody of their daughter Miral Torres-Paris and any future children they may have." Then she finished, "I want assurance that Starfleet or federation job's will be available to all in any failed they wish indefinitely and to all those who wish to take them at any time. That a chance for advancements and promotions in those jobs. I want assurance that all of my crew will be allowed to live and travel where every they wish whenever they wish. I want my entire crew to be recognised as free citizens of the federation."

"Of course my dear, that is reasonable and this is a plea bargain after all." The unknown admiral told her with a nod.

"Than you agree?" Kathryn asked as she looked at each of the admirals in turn.

"I am sure you will find all those conditions of the bargain on the PADD in front of you. You will find the bargain satisfactory."

Looking down and checking over the terms Kathryn nodded, "Agreed." With that she placed her thumb on the bottom of the PADD and signed away her freedom in exchange for the freedom of her crew.

"It's time for the plea reading." Admiral Haze told her as she and all the admirals stood, the security officers put Kathryn in steal handcuffs and lead her out as a traitor to the federation.

**End of chapter 1… Chapter 2 NOW UP… reviews and comments welcome…**


	2. Old friends

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 2**

**Old friends.**

**Some people have been asking for clarification, YES this is a sequel/epilogue to my previous story called 'One man's freedom fighter is another man's terrorist.' And yes Chakotay and Kathryn were married at the end of that story and I have Chakotay with Seven and Kathryn single in this story but please remember that my other story was set in season 2 of Voyager and this story is set after season 7 of Voyager, a lot happened to our command team/lovers in the FIVE YEARS between the stories, it was Paramount NOT me that had Chakotay getting with Seven in that time. If you stick with this story I will fix it and explain what happened. THIS IS A J/C STORY! Thanks.**

**This chapter is set 15 Years after the introduction….**

Kathryn Janeway stood before a large four-story house on the outskirts of the town. It was an ancient Victorian house with large glass windows and a large oak front door. The garden was in full bloom with flowers of every colour, a sight Kathryn felt like she hadn't seen for so long. Flowers had always decorated her ready room and quarters while she was Voyager curtsey of her very handsome husband and first officer Commander Chakotay, a man she had not seen or heard from in the fifteen years she had been in the New Zealand penal colony. Clutching a small storage container in her left hand the small and slightly older looking Kathryn Janeway stepped close to a cluster of peach roses.

Kathryn had been well looked after during her time as a prisoner of the federation, much better treated than many of the prisoners around her but the freedom to stand in the fresh air as she was now was a luxury she had not felt since before she was on Voyager as there was no more time to stand around while trapped in the Delta Quadrant than there was in prison. Now here Kathryn stood a free woman and something in her terrified her when it came to her knocking the large brass knocker on the wooden door of the house and so she decided to take some time to admire the flowers first.

Laying down her storage container and taking a step towards the peach roses Kathryn lent in to smell the aroma that so often had surrounded her on Voyager due to the gifts of such roses from Chakotay the man who had married her while they were alone on a planet they had named 'New Earth.'

Slowly lifting her right arm to feel the flower in her fingertips Kathryn felt a sharp and firm hand grip her wrist and pull her arm behind her to restrain her against her captor's body. A phaser was pressed firmly against her skull and a cold, young but yet firm feminine voice growled in her ear, "Don't move."

Stiffening her body and stopping where she was Kathryn froze and said coolly, "That would be foolish when you are holding me hostage."

The young female's heart was beating against Kathryn's back. Kathryn could feel her warm breath on the back of her neck. The female was about to say something more when Kathryn heard a familiar strong feminine voice come form the direction of the house, "Miral!" Kathryn's old friend shouted causing a slight smile to appear on Kathryn's slightly wrinkled cheeks. 'Miral Torres-Paris, like mother like daughter' Kathryn thought.

"I caught her sneaking around." Miral said harshly pressing the phaser at Kathryn's skill as she held Kathryn tightly with her back to her and the unmistakable voice of B'Elanna Torres, her mother, who Kathryn knew had just come from the house.

With a smile still on her lips even though she still had her back to the mother and daughter Kathryn talked softly in her unmistakable and distinctive deep husky voice, "I assure you I was merely-"

Kathryn had not got to explain what she was doing because B'Elanna cut across her, "Kathryn!" She exclaimed as she pulled her fifteen year old daughter of her old friend and commanding officer and spun her around to meet the friendly and familiar blue eyes she had come to love and respect over the years.

"B'Elanna!" Kathryn said joyously as her old chief engineer pulled her into a tight hug.

Pulling back from the hug B'Elanna looked her old commanding officer up and down, "Oh my god it is you!" B'Elanna exclaimed joyously as she laughed trough tears of joy once more pulling Kathryn into a tight hug.

"Kathryn Janeway! My hero!" Came the joyful voice of Tom Paris, Voyagers chief helmsman as he moved down the path from behind the house to see what all the fuss was about.

"Tom Paris!" Kathryn shouted as she pulled from the tight grip of Tom's half-Klingon wife and moved towards Tom's outstretched arms to allow herself to be clasped in a tight hug of the taller and younger man.

"So tell me how the hell did you get out and why did you not tell us." Tom asked with a huge grin as he pulled back to look at his former captain who he hadn't seen for fifteen years.

"Oh well I am sure you know how it is Tom." Kathryn replied with a smile of her own, Kathryn had been serving her time in the very prison she had released Tom from twenty-two years ago.

Tom laughed and then asked, "Is Brady still there?" Tom asked in a slightly higher voice as he was thinking of the very attractive female lieutenant who was one of the night guards all those years ago.

"Ha! Tom she older now and married with kids, as are you!" Kathryn said swatting his arm to pull him from the dreamy look that now ran across his face.

B'Elanna scowled at her husband of seventeen years before smiling and asking Kathryn the question she didn't know how to approach, "So what brings you here?"

"Do I need a reason to visit some old friends?" Kathryn asked feeling nervous of rejection of what she was about to ask them.

Miral looked the older woman up and down with a scowl before she folded her arms and said in a rather abrupt tone, "Visiting old friends unannounced with a storage container?"

Kathryn looked at the forthright and slightly angry teenager who was now scowling at her. Looking down at her storage container and then back at the slightly older Tom and B'Elanna she said cautiously, "Well the thing is-"

Without letting Kathryn finish her sentence with a smile Tom lent down and picked up Kathryn's storage container. As he rested his firm hand on her worried shoulder he said, "Kathryn Janeway my home is your home, stay here as long as you need to."

Kathryn let out a large breath she didn't even know she was holding as she felt visibility relived she felt tears well up in her eyes as she muttered "thank you" at her old friends.

Tom nodded as he walked up his path into his large home carrying his ex-captains only possessions. B'Elanna put a supporting arm around her old friends wearied and burdened shoulders and led her into the house as she glanced back at her daughter scowling at the angry teenager who was following closely behind.

**End of chapter 2… Chapter 3 NOW UP… All will be explained soon… Reviews and comments always welcome.**


	3. Do you know what a compromise is?

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 3**

**Do you know what a compromise is?**

Kathryn found herself stood in an ornate entrance hall with an old style marble staircase leading upwards where a magnificent chandelier hung sparkling overhead. Old and new were merged beautifully in the Victorian manor where the Torres-Paris's had settled. B'Elanna silently watched her older friend as they stood in the entrance and Kathryn felt slightly amazed by the grandeur.

"So this is home." Said B'Elanna pointing to a large sitting room to the right where she was gesturing for Kathryn to enter.

Almost snapping from a daydream Kathryn looked to where her friend was gesturing and slowly walked into the room, she was feeling overwhelmed and slightly unsure of herself was she entered another large ornate room with a real log fire burning in a real hearth. "It's beautiful" was all Kathryn could say as her eyes took in all of the splendour of the room around her.

"Kathryn are you ok?" came Tom's concerned voice behind her, Kathryn turned to look into the beeper blue eyes of her old helmsman before she broke down into tears. Tom stepped forward and silently embraced his friend and former captain.

**On the other side of the world in a bar known as Sandrine's in ****Marseille****, France….**

"Can I get you another drink sir?" The young and beautiful French bartender asked the dark man who had sat silently in the corner of the room for most of the day.

"No" was all the tanned board Native American man said was he stared at the empty glass in his hand.

"Is everything Ok sir?" the concerned bartender asked tentatively.

"Pardon?" The much older man spat at her as he slammed the glass on the table and reared his angry eyes at her.

"You have been in here everyday for a week now sir." She said stepping back a little due to his anger.

"I used to come her with me wife" he told her simply. "We used to sit in this very seat and talk and laugh together." He told her with a deep pain and sorrow in his voice. "There was always a man who sold me a single peach rose to give to her, I made sure she had fresh flowers for her quarters and ready room each day and a single peach rose each week without fail."

"It must have been very special for you." She told him as she joined him by sitting down at the table opposite him.

"It was." He told her absent minded.

"Why do you feel sorrow now?" the young and naive bartender asked her solemn customer.

"My wife has had her third child this week." He told her stiffly through gritted teeth.

"And the child is not yours?" the bartender asked with compassion as she deduced what she thought this man was saying.

"Yes he is." The man said turning his face fully to her for the first time in the whole week he had been coming she saw for the first time a rather intriguing and handsome tattoo just above his left eyebrow.

Looking in wonder at her customers tattoo she said "surely you should be happy your wife has given you another child." She said trying to sound encouraging.

"Do you know what a compromise is?" He asked her in deep pain.

"A compromise?" She asked him in confutation.

Slowly he lowered his head and solemnly told her "I once was married to the most beautiful woman in the world, a wise and intelligent woman. But my marriage to her came at a price. That was a price we both thought we could endure but over the years it became harder and harder to endure but together we probably could have made it."

As he paused for a long time the bar tender urged him on "but you chose not to endure that price?"

"She would have but I let her down." He told the unknown bar tender sadly "I left her and settled for a compromise, to some she, the compromise that is, is considered a young, beautiful, intelligent and perfect woman."

"But not to you?"

"She was not my Kathryn." He told her sadly "and she never will be but I let go of Kathryn because the price to have her as my wife was getting too much, but there readily available was _'perfection' _and she was willing to take me, without a price." He said before taking a large breath and saying "or so I thought."

"But the price was your wife, Kathryn." The bar tender said sadly for him. He did not answer the bar tender simply tapped his shoulder in compassion as she stood, "So the mother of your children is the compromise, not Kathryn?" As Chakotay hung his head and the bartender knew the answer.

**End of chapter 3… Chapter 4 NOW UP!… Reviews and Comments always welcome…**


	4. How is he?

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 4**

**How is he?**

**I have had a few PM messages and reviews off people saying they see no hope for Kathryn and Chakotay but I will fix things for them, it wont be easy but if you read to the end of this adventure I assure you this IS as J/C story! Thanks.**

"How are they all?" a very exhausted Kathryn asked after she managed to calm down and sit in the overly large and comfy armchair.

"You mean the Voyagers?" B'Elanna clarified.

"Yea the crew." Kathryn confirmed as she took her coat off.

"Well Tuvok has spent the last fifteen years teaching at the Vulcan science academy and living on Vulcan with his wife and children and grandchildren." Tom said calmly "we do see the old Vulcan master from time to time. The doctor is head of Starfleet medical now, which has only grown his ego ten fold. Sam and Naomi live happily on the Katarian home-world with her husband and Harry is a commander now, first officer of the Venus, finally found the right girl and married."

"I must see him, I must see them all, and none of them know I am out."

"Why Kathryn?" B'Elanna asked abruptly.

"Why what?" came Kathryn's reply.

"Together we could have made it."

"Those are the words I heard and believed in for so long, the words of the man I loved." Kathryn told them bitterly "it was not I who let go," and then as though snapping from her absent-minded trace she looked wide-eyed and tearful at B'Elanna and said, "How is he?"

"Who?" B'Elanna asked slightly confused.

As tears poured down her face Kathryn felt like a little girl on the rebound again, "Chakotay" she whispers softly "how is Chakotay?" For Kathryn more tears poured as she said his name, a name she had not said aloud in fifteen years, a name of only her dreams.

"One of Five." B'Elanna spat in anger and bitterness.

"Pardon?" asked a wide-eyed Kathryn.

Tom got up and moved around the room to sit next to his wife where he wrapped an arm of support around her shoulder, Kathryn couldn't help wondering if it was to stop her from exploding in anger, "Chakotay married Seven of Nine." Tom told Kathryn calmly.

The news didn't come to Kathryn as a huge surprise and she managed to control her pain a lot easier than she had thought she would. "Are they happy?" she asked calmly but maybe a little too stiffly.

"Oh Seven is, or should I say Two of Five, running her little Borg collective of perfection." A very bitter B'Elanna spat.

Kathryn thought of the implications of B'Elanna's words and then understood what she was hearing, "they have three children?" she asked as a sour and hurt knot clenched her chest, it was adding salt in the wound, insult to injury. Not only did her husband leave her for a younger, more intelligent and more beautiful woman he left her for a woman who could provide him with the one thing she could not, the one thing she had always known was a mark of respect and achievement in his culture, children.

"The fourth is to be born any day now." Tom told her steadily.

Kathryn didn't know what to say or do; there was nothing to say. She had chosen all those years ago to sacrifice herself for Chakotay and Seven for she had known they were together when Voyager flew into the Alpha Quadrant. "I lost him." she mumbled as her shaking hand reached up to remove the necklace that had hung around her neck since the day Chakotay had given it to her all those years ago on new earth. Placing the necklace on the coffee table before her she looked at it. This was the necklace Chakotay had given her as a symbol of their marriage, she had worn it everyday since, perhaps in hope but it had been part of her as he was and it had been her strength as he was.

B'Elanna looked at the necklace showing Chakotay's tribal mark and then back at Kathryn, "how close were you two?" She asked trying to care for her friend "We have asked him many times but he will not talk of you. He will not say a word about you since you made the plea bargain, he will just leave the room whenever any of us talk about you."

"He pretends I don't exist?" exclaimed a very hurt and shocked wide-eyed Kathryn.

"No!" said Tom in horror, "that's just it, far from it. It's like for him to say your name or to hear your name is far too painful for him."

Kathryn stared at the necklace for a long while and then she said softly with love in her voice, "He was my husband."

Tom and B'Elanna exchanged shocked looks before turning back to Kathryn for understanding.

Through her tears Kathryn took a deep breath and explained to her former crew members what she meant "While we were alone for those few months together on New Earth-"

"New Earth?" B'Elanna interrupted sounding confused.

"Yea, do you remember we both got that virus had had to be left behind on that planet until a cure could be found?"

"Oh yea!" Said Tom wide eyed, he was about to find out what he had always wondered but never dared ask.

"Well we named that planet New Earth." But more tears poured down her face. B'Elanna went to console her old friend, which gave Kathryn the strength to carry on and release all she had held in for so long, "we fell in love there. I think we had loved each other before then, do you remember all that was going on with his anger when he threatened to rape me and I had to have in my brig?" She asked.

"How could I forget?" Muttered B'Elanna as she looked down at the necklace.

"I fell in love with him then, and I think he me. I saw the real Chakotay, the Chakotay I trusted." Here Kathryn took a pause to look at the necklace where it lay.

B'Elanna urged her on, "So you fell in love with him and trusted him even though he threatened to rape you and attacked you? In a way that's beautiful, the crew knew you trusted him despite what he had done but I had no idea you loved him."

"I couldn't afford to, protocol saw to that." Kathryn said in a deep pain "but there was no protocol on that planet, you have to understand we thought we were to spend the rest of our lives together there."

"So you married him?" asked Tom as he picked up the necklace, which lay on the table.

Kathryn nodded as tears poured from her eyes making her unable to talk.

"So where did seven come into it all?" B'Elanna asked feeling suddenly annoyed with Chakotay the man she had seen as a father for many years.

"He and Seven got together day's before we arrived in the Alpha Quadrant, I knew it at the time even though he couldn't bring himself to tell me." Kathryn told them.

Now so much of the goings on between the command team both on duty and off made perfect sense to Tom now, they were married all that time. "So he cheated on you?" Asked Tom "Chakotay cheated on his wife." Tom was almost in disbelief, he had respected the older man for so long but had no idea he was married to the captain.

"We both cheated on each other over the years, a game we played I suppose, we were lonely, protocol forbid us to be open in our marriage like you two." At Kathryn's words the younger couple felt shame for the openness the relationship they had thrust in the command teams face without consideration to how much pain and restraint they were putting in with each other. Kathryn carried on, "I think we both tried at times to make the other jealous, to have the forbidden open relationship and know there was nothing the other could do."

"Riley!" muttered B'Elanna "that Borg woman he met on that planet. The one who turned out using him! What a P'tak!" Spat a very angry B'Elanna referring to Chakotay as a P'tak.

"I was guilty of that just as much as he was, Michael Sullivan comes to mind." Kathryn said sadly, "and of course not to forget inspector Kashyk." She said in shame.

Tom and B'Elanna thought for a moment and then in dawned on Tom what she meant, "The Devore inspector?" he asked in horror.

"I knew Chakotay was in the shuttle bay watching." She told them with a nod.

"What shuttle bay?" asked B'Elanna.

"the one where I kissed the inspector." Kathryn said coolly.

Tom and B'Elanna looked at her in shock until B'Elanna said, "you knew Chakotay was watching?"

With a slow sad nod Kathryn said "you have to understand when you have to spend nearly every minute of everyday next to the person you love, the person you were once free to be married to but now you can't have them in that way, now you must command them and they must serve under you and the risk of even thinking of love for them is too high in case you order them to their death then you will understand what a little bit of persuasive jealousy can do to keep the desire and passion of ones marriage alive." She was talking in a deep husky voice almost as though even to think of it was turning her on, like even the jealousy and desire she felt for Chakotay with Seven or any of the other women was making her body react in a way she had taught it to for so many years on Voyager, it was a game of not only the mind but of the physical aspects of the body the husband and wife had played over the years a game that kept both the emotion and physical aspects of love in a constant burning passion for one another. Tom watched as his former captain as she wrestled with her current physical and emotional desire that even thinking of it had caused her and he could only smile to think of how the two would have lived on Voyager playing this game.

"so it was a game when Chakotay got with Seven?" Tom ask smiling at Kathryn, though it was heartbreaking the idea of his commanding officers in deep love for each other made him smile.

"I really do not know what Chakotay was thinking when he got with Seven, we got back to the Alpha Quadrant before I really found out much about it, I suppose by then it was too late, Seven could give him what I could not." Kathryn told her old friends, slowly she picked up the necklace and turned it around in her hands much as she had all those years ago on 'New Earth'

"but when we got to the Alpha Quadrant you were both free to admit your marriage and be open about it."

"That was the plan yes." Kathryn said absent-mindedly "or at least I thought that was the plan." Tears began to pour down Kathryn's face as she shivered with the release of such pain that she had held in for so long.

"Kathryn" B'Elanna said tentatively, "maybe you should go up stairs and get some rest." The half-klingon didn't really know what to say or do about it.

With a nod a tearful and very tired Kathryn stood as Tom lead her up the stairs to the guest room that was to be hers.

**A few hours later…**

Kathryn woke to the sound of muffled and yet raised voice's coming from down stairs, "I really think you should go now!" She heard Tom shouting.

Kathryn stood to slowly move towards the door of her bedroom to strain to hear some more of what was being said when a deep voice she had not expected to hear rung in her ears causing her heart to literally stop, "Where the hell did you get this?" The voice of the man she knew so well boomed out angrily around the house.

"Please just go, you are embarrassing yourself." Kathryn heard an exasperated B'Elanna shout.

"He is drunk." She heard Miral say. Kathryn had almost forgotten about Miral who seemed to have diapered once they entered the house.

"You would be too!" hissed the unmistakable voice that Kathryn had dreamed of hearing once more for so long.

Creeping slowly towards the door and turning the handle to silently open the door she slipped into the landing the hear Tom say "come on man just go home to your wife and children."

Kathryn heard that strong, deep voice ask once more, "Where did you get this?" Kathryn stood on the top step of the marble stair case looking down at the four stood in the entrance hall between the stair case and the main door, "this does not belong to you, this is sacred and private." He snapped as Kathryn watched him brandish her precious necklace angrily in B'Elanna's face.

Although Kathryn felt as though he was going to buckle at her knees and faint she drew herself tall as she began to walk down the stairs completely forgetting she was still only wearing a pink silk night gown and bear feet she took a large intake of breath before saying firmly and steadily, "nor is it yours, a gift once given is a gift given forever, and such a gift once held so sacred has now become so very worthless." As Kathryn said these words all eyes fell on her, the anger in his eyes faded as he turned slowly to her in horror his familiar and strong deep jet-black eyes locked with her watery blue orbs. That moment could have lasted for eternity as Kathryn stopped three steps before the bottom so that she was ever so slightly higher than the drunk and angry guest she tilted her head and said to him slowly and sadly, "I believe there is congratulations in order for you and your extremely lucky wife, I would very much love to meet your family." Though Kathryn appeared calm and friendly all the while anger and pain raged in her heart as she looked upon the older and yet familiar face of the man she had loved for so long. Her tiny lips almost curled into a tiny smile as she looked upon the dark lines of the inky tattoo that framed his left brow.

"Kathryn" she heard his deep and yet almost loving voice whisper before the room began to spin and she had to grab the banister to stop herself from falling, but it was too late, her tiny knees buckled under her and her tiny body was about to hit the floor as she fainted off the step, noticing this Chakotay quickly stepped forward to catch his ex-wife as she fainted into his strong and loving arms.

**End of Chapter 4… CHAPTER 5 NOW UP… reviews and comments always welcome.**


	5. One of Six

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 5**

**One of Six**

Kathryn slowly opened her eyes and found herself lying back in her bed in Tom and B'Elanna's house, if it wasn't for the unfortunate sickly feeling in her throat she might have thought she had been dreaming that she had come face to face with her ex-husband Chakotay and then fainted into his arms. She groaned a little as she tried to look around when she heard his calm and loving voice say "hi there"

Looking round Kathryn met his jet-black eyes as he stood beside her bed looking over where she lay with a slight smile and compassion on his face, "hi" Kathryn said softly back to him.

"How are you?" He asked feeling slightly relived now that she seemed to be more awake. Slowly he lowered himself to sit in the chair next to her bed but still he did not take his eyes off her.

"Iv been better," She said in a husky whisper but then taking a slight pause in which to smile she said "but then I have been worse."

"Can you sit up?" Chakotay asked smiling back at her and trying to help her sit up by supporting her to rest her back against the headboard.

"I think so." She replied as he helped her into a sitting position.

Once he was sure she was secure sitting upright on her own without his support Chakotay turned to the cupboard behind where he sat. "Coffee?" he asked as he turned back to her with a steaming mug in his hand.

"Humm, thanks." She replied as she reached out for the mug in his hands. For a second she simply stared at the mug and then slowly raised it to her nose to inhale the sent. Chakotay did not rush her, he just watched her. He missed the way she drunk her coffee, the love she showed it. The deep and rich sent of coffee always reminded him of her. Closing her eyes Kathryn lost herself in the aroma of the warm drink before she took a sip between her tiny lips. Kathryn's eyes shot open and she stared at the contents of the mug wide eyed as soon as she had taken a tiny sip.

Chakotay who had been watching her closely saw the sudden change in her reaction to the drink asked "Are you ok?" as he reached out to take the coffee mug from her thinking there was something wrong with it.

"It's a real blend." She told him as she clung to it in her hands.

Letting go of the mug after he realised she wanted to keep it, Chakotay replied, "yea I think so, Tom just brought it up for you."

"I have not drunk real coffee since before Voyager left Deep Space 9." She told him in a deep, pain filled voice as she stared down at the mug.

"How have you been?" asked Chakotay as he realised the underlying meaning of her comment.

"Arrr well you know, prison will make you or break you." She said with a slight shrug but the lone tear that quivered down her delicate and slightly wrinkled face did not go amiss by the man who had spent every day with her for seven years, five years of which he had been her husband.

"I am sorry." He said sadly, for what precisely his did not know, there was so much pain and anguish between them, most of which Chakotay knew he was responsible for. He blamed himself for her imprisonment, for the fact she carried such a burden alone as well as the blame he portioned himself for leaving her at a time she needed him the most, he had left her so alone and it was alone she had carried such a heavy burden.

"So am I." she told him sadly as her watery blue eyes met with his jet-black eyes as they had done so many times in years gone by. "but what is done is done." She told him solemnly. Kathryn held her gaze into his eyes for a while and then let it drop when she found herself filling with love and desire for him once more.

Chakotay had seen the love flash into her eyes for a second before she had turned away. "I always loved you Kathryn." He told her in deep honesty.

"You are a married man." She said looking deep into his jest black eyes and Chakotay did not fail to see her dead-pan 'command mask' showing no emotions as she looked at him much as she had many times before. Continuing as she rose from the bed to walk towards the bedroom door she said, "With four children I am told, congratulations," as she opened the door almost to force him out of her room she watched as he too slowly rose and walked towards where she stood at the open door "please do forgive me for fainting on you." She said coolly turning her face to the ground as he stood in front of her.

With his left hand he reached for her and gently took her chin in his hand, as he tilted her face to look at his he met her searching eyes with desire and love as he whispered to her, "Sorry Kathryn."

Pulling her head from his grasp she asked coldly, "How is Seven?"

"She is now designated Two of Six." He told her just as coldly, as he watched her intently. He was not cold towards Kathryn but cold towards the idea of his wife still using a Borg designation for a name.

"Right of course, sorry." Kathryn replied waving her hand in the air to show she really didn't care what his new wife was called.

He watched her for a second as she stood holding the door open looking away from him with a fixed jaw line clearly wanting him to leave. "This is yours." He said as he opened his hand to show the necklace he had given her many years ago, the necklace that was the symbol of their marriage.

Turning her head to see what he held there she shook her head and snapped at him saying as though she did not care, "as I said it is now worthless." Yet all the while it mattered a great deal to her but right then she felt as though she could not bare to admit that to the husband who had left her for a younger and more intelligent woman.

"Please Kathryn." Chakotay was almost begging now and he tried to thrust the necklace in her hand but she pulled away some more without even looking at him.

"No, I cherished it every day I stood on Voyager and I wore it every second of everyday I lived in that hell whole in New Zealand, it gave me strength and for that I thank you but it means nothing now, Seven- sorry Two of Six is your wife now, not me." She told him steadily as she shook her head and looked up to meat his eyes.

"I have always loved you." Chakotay told her as he reached up to cup her cheeks in his hands.

"you can say that as much as you like, I loved you from the moment you threw your resignation PADD at me all those years ago and I did my damned hardest to love you through it all, but lets face it, the angry warrior found a more beautiful and younger woman." She screamed at him as tears poured down her face as she felt her heart was being pulled in two.

"Kathryn it was not like that." She said forcefully back to her.

"Chakotay" she whispered steadily as though she had lost all her energy, "Just go" as she lifted her head to look into his eyes he said sadly "and go now."

"I am sorry my love." he told her as he leaned in and planted a gentle loving kiss on her forehead.

Though she did not pull away she allowed him to kiss her forehead but she stiffened and did not respond in any way, neither positively nor negatively "That is something you should be calling your wife and your children Chakotay." Was all she said in a steady monotone that could have come from a Vulcan.

"My children do not have names" Chakotay spat in his own bitterness and hurt.

"pardon?" she asked back of him in confusion.

"they have designations" he told her looking at her knowing she would know what such a thing would be doing to him.

Many years ago Chakotay had once told her how sacred names were to his people and the naming of your children is a sacred act. Chakotay had told her that to change his name or to not use his name respectfully would be as bad as saying he was not a human being, to him it was the lowest form of insult and disgrace to change a persons name or to not use it properly. Chakotay had shared with her his full and sacred name once, a name she had not forgotten. "designations?" Kathryn spluttered at him in disbelief.

"yes, as do I" he told her sadly as he hung his head in ultimate disgrace and shame.

Though Kathryn felt great pain for him she was hurt and bitter and was holding in fifteen years of pain and anger with this man, "I am sure it adds to perfection, it is more efficient." She told him trying to sound like she didn't care at all.

"Kathryn" he whispered in pain as he searched her face for even the tiniest sign of compassion but he found none.

Kathryn remembered what B'Elanna had called him earlier and she found in that the ultimate way to hurt and disgrace him, "One of Six." She replied coldly and steadily using his designation rather than his name. It was the first time in Kathryn's life she had called him anything other than his name for she would never have stooped to an insult that low but right there and then she did not care and such an insult gave the desired effect she was looking for.

Chakotay's whole face contorted as he looked at her and the deep pain and insult was evident on his searching face. As she forced her lips to curl into a hurtful smile he turned without a word and left her stood alone in her bedroom as she slammed the door shut behind him. Now she felt satisfied with herself.

**End of Chapter 5…. CHAPTER 6 NOW UP… Reviews and comments always welcome…**


	6. That's my husband

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 6**

**That's my husband.**

Kathryn stared at the shut door breathing heavily for several seconds before turning and throwing herself on the bed and breaking down into tears.

There was a gentle knock on the door, which made Kathryn look up. B'Elanna was stood in the now open doorway holding a mug of coffee. "Hay is everything ok?" B'Elanna asked as she compassionately handed the coffee to Kathryn.

"Fine" Kathryn snapped as she sat up and rubbed her red puffy eyes and then taking the mug from her friend said, "thanks" as she took a large gulp of the heavenly liquid.

"He's gone," B'Elanna told her as she sat next to her friend on the bed, "It's been six hours, Tom said we should let you get some sleep."

"Thanks, I really needed a rest." Kathryn said rubbing her forehead with the palm of her hand; she could feel a headache coming on.

Taking her friends hand compassionately in hers B'Elanna asked, "Do you want to talk?"

With a huge sigh Kathryn felt the pain of many years of compressed emotions and the intense feeling of loneliness and abandonment. "I have spent fifteen years going over and over that moment in my head but when if finally came I couldn't cope." She said referring to her coming face to face with Chakotay.

"Chakotay is a fool" Spat a very angry B'Elanna.

"A fool I fell in love with and never stopped loving." Whispered Kathryn painfully.

"Even after all this time? After all he has done?" B'Elanna asked her leaning in and wrapping her arm around Kathryn's shoulder as she cried.

With a slight laugh Kathryn looked up at B'Elanna with her tear-stained face and said, "I know! Don't say it B'Elanna I've got it bad."

B'Elanna laughed too and swatted Kathryn's arm playfully as she said, "Well look at me! I married Tom Paris for goodness sake!"

Kathryn laughed with her old friend but it was a laughter that quickly faded when she thought of the laugh's her and Chakotay used to have about what an unlikely couple Tom and B'Elanna were. "I missed him so much" she told her friend.

B'Elanna watched Kathryn for a minute as she saw the hurt in her old commanding officers face she said seriously "He did miss you." Kathryn's head shot up to stare into B'Elanna's eyes showing her a look of utter shock and confusion. "He was so angry about what they did to you." B'Elanna told Kathryn looking serious as she remembered the anger and rage that had over come Chakotay fifteen years ago.

"It was a plea bargain." Said Kathryn turning her face away in shame. Neither of the women could understand why Kathryn was defending the federation but for some reason she was and Kathryn felt slightly ashamed of it.

"He knew that and he was sad he hadn't been there." B'Elanna said as she remembered the pain Chakotay had felt when Kathryn had made the plea bargain allowing herself to be put in prison for a crime she didn't commit. What hadn't made sense to B'Elanna then made perfect sense now, Kathryn was Chakotay's wife.

As tears trickled down Kathryn's slightly wrinkled cheek she told B'Elanna "I did it to give him and all of you a life, tell me he took it please, tell me he fell in love with seven and had four wonderful children and lived happily ever after." The hope in her voice was really evident to B'Elanna.

"Is that what you wanted?" B'Elanna asked Kathryn tentatively.

"I wanted him to be happy." Kathryn replied in honesty as she thought back many years to the last time she had been with Chakotay alone for anything other than work. Kathryn broke down in to tears as she said, "the sad thing is he could never be truly happy with me, fate had made it so that I could never give him what he truly wanted, I could only give him a hope of marriage, a hope that became more distant as the years trickled on." There was a slight bitterness in her voice as well as pain as she said those words.

"He lead a fight for your release, for fifteen years he has fort to have you freed." B'Elanna told Kathryn in seriousness and honesty in Chakotay's defence.

"I should go and see him, talk to him." Kathryn said steadily, all she wanted to do was see the man she had wanted to believe was still her husband.

*****FLASHBACK…*****

**THREE WEEKS BEFORE VOYAGER MADE IT TO THE ALPHA QUADRANT…**

**ONE THURSDAY NIGHT, KATHRYN'S QUARTERS…**

_Kathryn was alone in her quarters after two day's of stressful work, she had spent many hours of that afternoon in debriefings with her staff and though she was feeling very tense she was ready to relax for the evening after spending the last two days in constant worry. Kathryn was setting her dinner table for two and was using her special tablecloth. She was just finishing lighting her candles on the table when she heard her door opened behind her, "Hi sweetie, I am home." came the jolly and steady voice of her first officer as he stepped forward to allow the doors to close behind him._

"_Hi darling, you're late." She said with a smile as she turned to face her husband as he leant forward and planted a tiny kiss on her lips and handed her a bunch of beautiful purple flowers. _

"_Sorry sweet heart, my boss gave me a load of work." he told her with a cheeky grin letting his handsome dimples flash at her._

_Kathryn placed her flowers in a vase in the centre of her beautifully decorated dinner table, "again?" she asked him rolling eyes in pretend annoyance as she looked up from what she was doing to examine him._

"_She's a slave driver." Chakotay joked as he poured two glasses of red wine from the bottle she had set out on the table. _

"_Is that so? Why don't you resign, tell her how you feel." Kathryn asked with her hands on her hips as she eyed her husband up and down with a dirty look as she tried to display her pretend offended look._

"_I can't, she needs me." he told her simply as he handed her a glass of red wine and led her to sit on the sofa with him._

"_Oh really?" she said narrowing her eyes and giving him her best 'Janeway death glare'_

"_Yep" was all he said with a smile as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and drew her to lay her cheek on his chest._

"_She needs you to do what? Crash another one of her shuttles?" She spat sarcastically as she traced invisible circles on his chest and then added with a swat of his chest "She wasn't impressed by that one you didn't return to her today by the way!" she said sitting up and looking lovingly into his eyes "You gave her quite a scare, she thought she had lost you." the fear and worry was still evident in her voice and the dread and terror of loosing him still etched in her eyes. _

"_But she found me again." Chakotay told her looking up in love into his wife's eyes, "come here." he said as he reached out and embraced her tightly in a hug where they sat together on the sofa, kissing her forehead he closed his eyes to saver the moment of being with her, the two stayed embraced for a while, the stress of Chakotay going missing had made both of them wanting to embrace each other so tightly through joy of his return but neither had been able to until now. A whole week had gone by since they had last embraced. Pulling away slowly Chakotay asked lovingly, "What has my gorgeous wife cooked for me after a busy time at work this week?"_

"_How long can we do this?" Kathryn asked heavily standing up and walking from him with her back to where he sat. Slowly Chakotay stood and moved in behind her to wrap his arms around his wife from behind and kiss the top if her head, "I am tired Chakotay, tired of being married to a man I can only be married to one night a week." she told him sadly._

"_Kathryn, we have lived this way for five years, we love each other that's what matters." He told her a he took her hand and led her to the table she had nicely set out for the two to dine, "Come on lets eat, I have a surprise for you in the holodack later, the night is young my wife."_

"_Chakotay I can't do this any more." She said bitterly as she put out the candles at the table she had lit shaking her head as her deep blue eyes filled with tears. _

_Taking her hands in his Chakotay stroked the back of her knuckles with his thumb, "Kathryn look at me." he said with such deep love, when she did not look up he said again lovingly, "look at me darling, I love you."_

_Slowly she lifted her tear stained face to meet his jet-black loving eyes as she said honestly, "I love you too."_

_Chakotay smiled at her and showed her his handsome dimples that made his wife go weak at the knees. "That's all that matters, I know our love is strong enough to beat this if we stay together."_

"_You deserve more." she told him turning away in shame because she felt inadequate as a wife._

"_As do you, but this is what fate has given us." he said very sadly as he looked at his very vulnerable looking wife._

"_A Thursday night once a week? It's not enough Chakotay." she told him as her wide eyes searched him._

"_I agree, I should be allowed to wrap my wife in my arms as I sleep each night and I should be allowed to wake up in the morning to her beautiful sent of her tiny delicate body draped over my chest each morning." _

"_Its more than that Chakotay." she told him feeling slightly annoyed that he didn't seem to be understanding what she was saying._

"_I know Kathryn, I know." He said sadly and compassionately as he took her hands in his and waited till she looked at him, "I should be allowed to hold hands with my wife as we walk to the mess hall for lunch, I should be allowed to kiss her beautiful lips each day and taste the morning coffee on her lips. I should be allowed to show my affection and love for her around our friends, I should be allowed to tell my friends I have a wife." Kissing her lips he told her "instead I have to sit next to her each day and keep a professional distance. I walk with her and never hold her hand as we walk; I must always walk just behind her shoulder and can never gaze into her beautiful blue eyes for too long. I must spend nearly every second of everyday with my wife and never dare admit to even myself she is my wife, I must creep from her bed in the early hours of every Friday morning and leave her silently weeping into her pillow as I leave her as she must pretend to be asleep and she must never call me back no matter how much she wants to. I can never taste the morning coffee on my wife's lips and never tell our friends she is my wife and how much I love her and admire her." Chakotay was not angry with Kathryn and he knew she felt just as much hurt, pain and disappointment as he did._

"_Go Chakotay and never look back." she told him suddenly and sharply as she stared deep into her husband's black eyes. _

"_Kathryn?" he asked her in shock and confusion._

_Pain and anger was boiling in Kathryn and she was sorry she couldn't give him all the things he had just told her he wished he could have, she knew she had pushed him away and treated him badly over the time, especially in later years, though she did not want to admit it the Equinox incident ten months before had changed things between them no matter how much the two denied it, she told him "you need a woman who deserves you and I am really sorry it's not me."_

_Chakotay looked at his wife of five years in shock, why was she saying these things now? "I want you and only you, I love you and only you."_

_Kathryn pulled from him and shook her head with her back to him, jealousy and pain raging in her heart, "I have spent the latter part of today talking with Seven, you seem to have made a large impact on her."_

"_What has Seven got to do with it Kathryn?" Chakotay spat at his wife in confusion and horror._

"_She was telling me how good you were to her while you were stranded alone together on that planet!" Kathryn shouted spinning round to stare at Chakotay, he and Seven had been stranded on a planet for two day's after their shuttle craft had crashed through an energy barrier designed to protect a primitive race that lived there, once they were inside. it had been hard for them to get out again. Chakotay had been encouraging the ex-Borg drone Seven of Nine to see things from a more human perspective. Kathryn went in for the kill with her husband as she accused him, "The way Seven was carrying on it would make any wife question what her husband had been up to."_

_She had never accused him of cheating on her, least of all with a member of the crew. Sure they had their games; hell he had even stood and watched as she kissed an alien inspector in the shuttle bay! He had even given her the go ahead to pursue a relationship with her Irish hologram boyfriend even though it had pained him. She had known he had kissed Riley the ex-Borg drone who had tricked him into helping her and her collective but neither would never and had never engaged in relations with other members of the crew and frankly Chakotay felt it was completely unfair that she would accuse him of such a thing. "Kathryn! You are being irrational!" he snapped in horror._

"_I beg your pardon?" she hissed back at him, her shame, disappointment and jealousy taking her on a whole different level of thinking, "My husband spends two days stranded alone on a planet with a beautiful and younger woman and than tells me I am being irrational after I spent nearly three hours listening to said younger woman tell me how much she cares for and admires my husband who apparently took every step to __**help**__ her adjust, whatever that means!" she was waving her arms around and yelling at him now, her deep voice had become cracked and even deeper in her anger._

_Chakotay took a step back from his wife to give her the space he knew she needed, raising his hands in surrender he calmly said to her, "Calm down Kathryn it's nothing and anyway we weren't even alone." Chakotay knew she was being irrational, he knew she would never accuse him of this rationally, he knew she was driven by her hurt of the situation that if he were to get into a relationship with Seven or any other member of her crew he could and she could do nothing to stop him whereas it was difficult for them both to continue the way that they were._

"_Did you build __**her **__a bathtub?" she yelled as she advanced in anger at her husband. "Is that how you make all you women fall in love with you?" Kathryn knew as soon as she said it that it was unfair of her to say but her bitterness of the fact that she gave up the tranquil and free time with her husband for her crew was making her pain and anger swell in her, she had sacrificed a time when they were alone on a planet where he had made __**her **__a bathtub._

_Chakotay sighed and turned to sit at his wife's table as he did every Thursday night, "let's eat Kathryn." he said softly._

"_DID YOU BUILD HER A BATHTUB CHAKOTAY!" Kathryn screamed almost hysterically on the top of her lungs._

"_I am not even going to dignify that question with an answer Kathryn." he told her sharply and firmly but calmly and full of love._

"_Why don't you go down to the cargo bay and have a picnic or something with your Borg girlfriend." She screamed as she grabbed the flowers he had given her and thrust them into his lap._

_With a look of hurt and anger on his face Chakotay stood slowly and placed the flowers on the table saying "Fine, maybe I will because I am not getting any sense out of my wife."_

_As he walked towards the door of her quarters Kathryn turned from her husband and told him "Don't come back Chakotay, this can not continue, this is finished, leave now and never come back."_

_Stopping just before her door Chakotay asked her, "Do you mean it Kathryn? Do you __**really **__want to end the marriage we have held for five beautiful years?"_

_Still without turning to look at him she said in a cracked voice, "I am sorry Chakotay, I can't do this anymore, please just go and never look back, find another girlfriend, Seven of Nine or somebody else, somebody you can __**really**__ be with, it hurts me more to have you as a husband and not be allowed to have you and to see you just as alone as I am than it would to see you happy with another woman in your arms. Find the women and the freedom to love her openly that you deserve please."_

_Chakotay watched the quivering back of his wife for a second before he turned and walked from her quarters letting the door swish shut behind him sending Kathryn into silence. _

*****END OF FLASHBACK.*****

A much older Kathryn Janeway walked up the path of a beautiful little farmhouse in Indiana, all things looked peaceful as the trees swayed in the wind. Kathryn looked around for any sign of life in the house that reminded her so much of her childhood home in Indiana.

As she looked around her eyes found exactly what she had come looking for. There on the lawn lay a tall broad shouldered man with tanned skin wearing farmers working clothes. He lay in the midday sun with a newspaper over his face presumably to shield his eyes from the glare of the hot sun. Kathryn could see his once jet-black hair was now sprinkled with a distinguished amount of grey. Lying next to him was a lawnmower and Kathryn had to smile at the way it was clearly discarded without really being used. Kathryn stood looking down at the sleeping form with her hands on her hips and a curved smile in her lips, with an almost laugh she said loudly in her unique husky voice "sleeping on the job Mr. Chakotay? That will never do, your getting lazy in your old age."

As quick as a flash Chakotay pulled the newspaper from his face and sat bolt upright to stare right into the laughing blue eyes of his ex-wife, "Kathryn!" he exclaimed as he scrabbled to his feet.

"Hi" she laughed with a wave.

"I didn't expect to see you." He told her brushing mud from his back where he had been lying.

Kathryn looked slightly embarrassed at him and started to fidget with her fingers, "I came to say sorry." She said as she stared down at her clasped hands, slowly she looked up into his eyes half expecting to see anger there but she saw nothing but love and slight amusement, "Chakotay, what I said to you was unfair and wrong of me." she told him truthfully ashamed of what she had said to him the last time she had seen him in her bedroom at Tom and B'Elanna's new home. She had purposely called him One of Six, which was the Borg designation his wife had taken to calling him. Kathryn had known how great an insult this would have been to Chakotay; she knew it was like saying to him that he did not deserve the rights of a human being.

"Nothing more than I deserved." Chakotay said with a shrug as he watched Kathryn who was becoming more and more agitated until she broke down in tears, "Kathryn?" he asked as he watch his older and more frailer looking ex-wife whom he still loved cry before him, "hay Kathryn it's OK I understand why you said what you said." He told her lovingly as he wondered if he should embrace her. "It's me who needs to say sorry to you and I am Kathryn, sorry for what I did to you, for leaving you."

"I left you first." She told him in a pained and cracked husky voice as she looked at him with her wide blue vulnerable eyes. "I told you to go," She reminded him.

Chakotay shook his head at her in defiance and shame of the fact he had left her and done what she had asked, "I should have disobeyed you, I should have stayed."

"No Chakotay, I am glad you went." She told him sadly.

Chakotay watched her as she stared at her feet. Any other man might have been hurt and angry by those words but Chakotay understood her meaning, he understood that she had told him to go and find a happy life with somebody else and then had sacrificed her own freedom for him to have that life. Her words and actions were of love not of bitterness and jealousy. With a sigh he extended his elbow to her and said gently, "walk with me?"

Her lips curved into a tiny smile as she took his arm, as the two who were still very much in love with each other despite the hurt as they walked walked she told him "it's a nice home you have."

With a slight laugh at her attempt at small talk he said "thank you, what about you? How long are you to be at Tom and B'Elanna's."

As Kathryn looked around the farmland that belonged to Chakotay and his family she shrugged and said "I really don't know. I have only been there a few days. It was hard getting back into the real world. My mother died while I was in prison, I had nowhere else."

Watching her for a second and then turning from her to gaze far out at the horizon he told her "I know, I am so sorry Kathryn." He them stopped walking and looked at her "I fort for your release to attend the funeral."

Snapping her head to let her eyes gaze into his she asked in amazement, "you did?"

"I have been fighting for your release for fifteen years, I never let up," he told her truthfully and pain crossed his own eyes.

"I know, B'Elanna told me, thank you." She said suddenly as she realised desire for this man was washing over her once more.

"You deserved more." he told her simply as he brushed a stand of greying hair from her eyes. "Kathryn when I was told they wouldn't let you out for the funeral I attended your mothers funeral in your stead, I wanted to represent you." He informed her cautiously.

"You did? Oh Chakotay, thank you, it honours me you would take the time to do that." She told him as she searched the loving jet-black eyes of her ex-husband who was now married to another woman and the father of another woman's children.

"I could tell you about it one day." He told her wanting to do what was right for her.

"I would love that." She said turning back to beautiful little farm that reminded her so much of home.

After watching her for a while he asked lovingly "did they treat you badly in there Kathryn?"

"No not at all Chakotay, quite well actually but freedom is not something a human being should have taken from them." Without waiting for a reply she turned from him and continued to walk. "Tom's been great." She said coolly.

Taking her hand in his and pulling her to face him he told her in a deep voice "I missed you Ms. Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway" the golden sun glistened in her hair and brightened her face beautifully.

"I did miss you t-" Kathryn began earnestly but never got to finish her sentence because her strong and handsome ex-husband pulled her into a tight embrace right up to his chest and silenced her lips with his claming them for his own much as he did every Thursday night when they were married on board the good ship Voyager.

Kathryn felt her knees buckle from under her as his tongue slid mercilessly inside her mouth, if it wasn't for the fact his strong arm held her up from behind she would have fallen to the floor with shock and the desire of fifteen years of longing being released.

Kathryn didn't know whether to pull away or kiss back but her decision was made for her when the somewhat clinical voice of Chakotay's current wife broke the mood, "One of Six. Captain Janeway," she said coolly.

Suddenly Kathryn pulled herself from Chakotay and wiped her lips saying "Just Kathryn now actually, no Captain."

"That is my husband you are engaging in the activity of kissing with." The tall slim and still young looking woman told her former captain and mentor. Kathryn had once been a mother figure to the ex-Borg drone now called Two of Six.

"You can talk." Kathryn hissed under her breath so only Chakotay could hear even though she could not quite bring herself to look at him.

**End of chapter 6... chapter 7 NOW UP...**


	7. I think you should go

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 7**

**I think you should go.**

Kathryn stood open mouthed looking from one shocked and almost scared looking Chakotay to a very angry and not impressed looking Seven of Nine now called Two of Six. Kathryn felt as though she could cut the tension between them with a knife, she was getting a vibe that this was a not too happy marriage between her former crew members. Silence rung out in the fresh country air between them. Deciding that she should leave she said hurriedly, "I should go, thank you for being so understanding Chakotay."

Quickly Kathryn turned to walk back up the path and down the side of the house to leave the premises as soon as possible, Kathryn decided it was too awkward for her, the misses and the ex together and sadly she was the ex. "Kathryn, stay please!" Chakotay yelled almost begging after her as she began to move away from him and his wife.

Kathryn stopped walking and coolly glanced at Two of Six saying coldly, "I think I have outstayed my welcome."

Two of Six who appeared not to have changed much in appearance and age stepped close to the smaller and older woman who had once been her commanding officer and mentor and stiffly told her "I respected you once, you taught me to live morally and respect others, is kissing another woman's husband one of those morals you are proud of?" Two of Six towered above Kathryn but Kathryn refused to buckle under her.

Steadily Kathryn took a step back and said calmly "Two of Six I am sorry, I meant no offence, this is a misunderstanding." The one thing Kathryn did notice was that Chakotay was looking at his wife with an almost fearful look and had not tried in anyway to defend Kathryn.

"I know what I saw, I think you need to leave now." Two of Six told Kathryn as she almost pushed her over trying to guide her away.

"With pleasure." Growled Kathryn was she turned to look back at Chakotay who had suddenly become very small and vulnerable looking, something Kathryn had never thought she would think of the broad and brave warrior. She said simply to them both "It has been good to see you both again, I wish you all the best." Turning to Two of Six she said calmly and politely "congratulations on the birth of your fourth child." Before she turned and walked away from them.

"I am the mother of One of Six's children not you Kathryn Janeway, remember that." Two of Six called back after her, Kathryn turned slowly on her heal to see Chakotay hanging his head in shame and Two of Six looking very pleased with herself.

"Goodbye to both of you." Kathryn said not wanted to engage Two of Six in any sort of argument over this matter.

"Kathryn, perhaps we can meet up sometime soon and just chat, it would be good to see you again." Chakotay said hurriedly as he glanced with a look of fear at his wife.

Kathryn was about to say no but then when she saw the way Chakotay winced under to gaze of his young wife she could see there was more to what was going on than she first thought, "Yes, that would be nice, thank you Chakot-" she began with an airy smile but Two of Six cut right across her angrily;

"My husband's name is One of Six."

Kathryn spun round to glare into the blue eyes of the younger and taller woman, Kathryn could feel her anger boiling with the woman she had once looked upon as a surrogate daughter "You can't just _change_ somebody's name because you feel like it." She hissed at Two of Six.

"You will address my husband as One of Six." Two of Six told Kathryn as she stepped closer to her to tower above her.

Kathryn glanced at Chakotay out of the corner of her eye and saw him looking at the ground very sad and almost fearful, Kathryn's love for him was growing deeper in her, she would defend him to the ends of the universe and back. "Never!" Kathryn shouted in response to Two of Six, which made Chakotay's jet-black eyes gaze lovingly into her angered and confused blue eyes.

"I think you need to leave." Hissed Two of Six as she looked from Chakotay to Kathryn as saw their eyes locking.

Tearing her eyes from those of the man she loved and had loved for many years Kathryn looked at Two of Six without fear and said "I am, don't you worry." With that Kathryn turned once more to walk away.

Two of Six grabbed Chakotay by the arm and almost pulled him inside, just before she shut the door of their house Two of Six called back, "Oh and Miss Janeway" which made Kathryn turn to look at her, "If you come anywhere near my husband or my children again I will scratch you eyes out." With that Two of Six slammed the house door closed and Kathryn walked silently up the path towards the nearest transport station.

Later that day Kathryn decided to address something she knew could be a real problem if she was going to stay in Tom and B'Elanna's home longer than the four days she already had been there, taking a deep breath she went to face her problem.

"What do you want?" Snapped Miral Torres-Paris as Kathryn came to sit next to her in the back conservatory of their house.

"I wondered if you wanted some cake?" She replied as she handed a bowl of warm chocolate fudge cake and cream to the teenager.

"Thanks" Miral said taking to bowl from the older woman.

"You don't like me much do you?" Kathryn asked her.

"I don't know you." Replied Miral honestly.

"I would like to get to know you." Said a hopeful Kathryn.

Miral just looked at Kathryn and then back at the cake of which she took a spoonful. "Is it true?" Miral asked "Is it true you sacrificed yourself for the crew of Voyager."

Kathryn looked at the young girl for a moment and then smiled and replied, "nothing as glamorous as that, I did what any captain would do for her crew."

Miral crooked her head and then smiled back at the older woman. It was the first time Kathryn had seen Miral do anything other than scowl and she couldn't help thinking she looked so beautiful when she smiled. "You are nothing like how I imagined you to be." Miral told her with an even bigger smile.

"Oh?" Asked Kathryn smiling back, "sorry I didn't add up to you expectations."

Miral snorted and then said "The way my mum and dad go on about you I thought you would be some big headed hero."

"I am many things Miral, but hero I am not." Kathryn smiled at her.

"You're not big headed, which could make you a hero." Miral told her. "Plus you tired to buy my friendship with chocolate cake."

Kathryn laughed and asked "so does that count for something then?"

"Ha!" exclaimed Miral, "I can see why they all love you."

"Who all love me?"

"The Voyagers" When Miral saw Kathryn's slightly confused looking face she told her, "you know your old crew, mum and dads old friends '_The Voyager Family' _It's pretty sad really."

Kathryn laughed and said, "Yea it is a bit."

Which only caused Miral to snort before she burst into a loud hearty laugh before asking, "have you seen any of them? Since you got out I mean?"

"No" Kathryn replied simply looking down at the floor.

"Apart from One of Six." Stated Miral who had been there when Kathryn had fainted into his arms.

"Chakotay" Kathryn corrected her calmly.

"Why did you faint?" Miral asked.

"Wouldn't you?" Kathryn asked in pretend offence, "if the man you had love for twenty two years showed up when you hadn't seen him for fifteen years? Trust me Miral my knees let me down, I was a goner as soon as I heard his voice."

"Right." Replied the fifteen-year-old quarter klingon as she rolled her eyes and shook her head at Kathryn.

"Ok so a little silly of me. But what's a girl to do?" Kathryn asked.

"Not faint into the arms of a married man." Replied Miral seriously, which caused the two of them to burst into laughter.

**End of Chapter 7… CHAPTER 8 NOW UP!…**


	8. Voyagers excons unite

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 8**

**Voyagers ex-cons unite.**

"I don't know what you said to my daughter but you have her laughing hysterically." A smiling Tom Paris said as he came to join Kathryn who was sat alone in his conservatory, he hoped he wasn't interrupting her but she didn't seem to be doing anything other than staring absentmindedly into space.

"I'm glad." She said without seeming very glad at all, there seemed to be no emotion in her face or voice.

Tom watched his house guest and old friend for a few seconds and saw the emotional pain contort across her face, "Kathryn?" he asked tentatively, not really sure how he should approach his old commanding officer.

"Oh Tom I feel so foolish." She cried out as she buried her head in her hands and began to cry.

Tom stretched out his arms and drew her into a tight and caring hug saying, "Come here" as he did. As she sobbed into his chest he joked, "Don't go telling my wife I was hugging another woman." He was merely trying to find something to divert his mind from the weeping woman that he had no idea how to really console.

"I'm sorry." Said Kathryn hurriedly as she pulled from him and turned away in shame, Tom's words had reminded her of Two of Six's words and the fact that earlier that day she had allowed herself to kiss a married man.

"Kathryn, It was a joke" said Tom as he wrapped his caring arm around his friends shoulder in compassion he asked "is everything ok?"

"I went to see him." She told him as she sobbed in-between her words.

"Who?" ask Tom confused but as he watched Kathryn and she turned her head in shame he understood, "Not Chakotay?" he asked in horror.

With those words Kathryn's sobs became uncontrollable as tears poured from her eyes she nodded and muttered "Yea."

"When?" Tom asked her tightening his caring grip on her shoulder.

"This morning, in his home." Kathryn told him feeling ashamed of what she had done when she was there, something that she failed to mention to her old friend.

"Oh?" Tom said softly and then asked, "Did you run into that witch he married?"

"You could say that." She said bitterly.

Tom watched Kathryn's tears fall and then asked her "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." She said staring at the floor and slowly shaking her head. "I'm sorry Tom." She whispered.

With a smile Tom stretched out his arms and told her "Hay that's OK Kathryn, I'm here to serve." He was his usual joker self that he had been on Voyager.

"How did you do it Tom?" Kathryn asked him as she searched his smiling blue eyes.

"Do what?" he asked taking her hand caringly in his.

"Adjust from life after prison."

Tom looked away and than sadly turned back to her and more seriously told her "I don't know, I don't think I ever did in a way." Then the joker in Tom came back as he told her "I was always a rouge, even on Voyager, I saw the brig a few times there too."

Kathryn snorted and then smiled as she nodded and said, "yes you did."

"You killed me with those thirty days though." He told her with a huge grin.

"Maybe I was a little harsh." She agreed.

"Hay you were captain, I did out rightly disobey your direct order and break the prime directive after all." He said, as he would always respect her and her decision even if it was to put him in solitary confinement for thirty days.

"I was wrong." She told him as her deep blue eyes searched his blue eyes, which looked at her with deep respect and adoration.

"When?" Tom asked her almost as if he didn't dare believe Kathryn Janeway could ever be wrong.

She shrugged and told him "Chakotay always told me I was too harsh on you."

Tom shook his head and told her "You made me a better man, you made me who I am today. Besides Chakotay was always a little soft, remember when we tried to force him to put me in that bring he just wouldn't do it."

"Yea, he tries to see the best in everyone." Kathryn agreed.

"so do you." He told her " and besides Chakotay saw your brig too if I remember rightly, B'Elanna and I had to tend to his wounds in the middle of the night." Tom reminded her not sure if he should bring up the tentative past or not. A time only six months into their journey together when Chakotay, an angry warrior, had threatened to rape Kathryn. She had thrown him in the brig where he had injured himself and it had fallen to Tom and B'Elanna to tend to his injuries.

Kathryn thought back to that troubled time and nodded saying "Chakotay was the longest I have ever sent anyone to the brig before."

"There was the time he put you in the brig." Tom said remembering the time Chakotay had lead a Maquis mutiny while under an alien influence.

"So we are all mad raving prisoners then?" Kathryn laughed.

"Well even Chakotay's wife has been in the brig." Tom reminded her.

Kathryn laughed and shook her head at him jokingly saying, "Look at you Tom, your sounding like you are going to start up a 'Voyagers Brig Group.'"

"What a good idea, 'voyagers ex-cons united.'" Said Tom standing up and spreading his arms wide as though holding a banner up.

"It might work." Said Kathryn with a snort.

"I don't think any of us thought we would see the day little Katie Janeway was sent to a penal colony by the Federation." Tom said seriously as she sat back down next to his dear friend.

"Are those your dads words?" she asked him.

"I hated what he did." Tom spat in bitterness and Kathryn realised he must have known his dad was one of the admirals present when the plea bargain was made. Kathryn had not blamed Owen at all, it shocked her to learn that his son did.

"There is no point hating." Kathryn told Tom as she placed her hand on his knee to show compassion and support.

Tom saw again that great woman, the woman who saw the best in all people and reformed them, like she had done with many of her crew, with Chakotay and even Two of Six, with B'Elanna and even with him. He admired this woman and it saddened him to know many of her crew admired her in the same way and she had not been to see any of them in the four days since her release, she hardly talked with him and B'Elanna, in fact this was the most she had said since arriving on their doorstep. "Kathryn, B'Elanna and I were thinking, you have been here a few days and other than to visit Chakotay and Two you haven't been outside, not even into the garden." He said cautiously and then asked "And I don't suppose it went well at Chakotay's?"

"No." was her cold reply.

"Some of the Voyagers get together at the Wildman's once a month still" he told her and then added "Naomi is all grown up, she's an engaged woman now."

"I should see them." Kathryn said.

"We don't want to push you Kathryn but B'Elanna and I were wondering if you wanted to come tomorrow?" he asked hoping she would say yes but he would never push her.

"I should see them." She repeated again.

Tom watched her as she thought through what to do so he told her "Only if you want to, when your ready."

"I do want to." She insisted.

"But are you ready?" he asked her, he didn't want to push her or put her off he just wanted her to be sure.

"I don't know Tom, how do I know that?" she asked in hope that he could tell her what to think.

"I don't know, only you can know that Kathryn" he told her really wishing he could support her "What I do know is that I had a wonderful ships captain to help me when I got out of prison, and a crew to support me."

"I am alone." She said sadly.

"You are not alone Kathryn." He said in such a deep and compassionate voice that she remembered how Chakotay had said those exact words to her many times over the years, but the once that she had remembered so clearly was when they had first encountered the Borg and he had stood in her ready room and told those exact words.

"I don't even know who I am anymore Tom." She told him remembering the Kathryn she was then and the Kathryn she is now and comparing the two.

"It's normal Kathryn, but us ex-cons have to stick together, help each other through." Tom told her in earnest.

"Thanks Tom."

"What are friends for?" he smiled trying to reassure her that he saw her as a friend and not a distant commanding officer.

Half smiling at him to acknowledge the sentiment she said, "I don't know what to do with myself."

"How do you mean?" he asked her.

"Well for nearly all my life I was Starfleet, where rules and protocol governed my life and then I was in prison, and you know what that's like. I was institutionalised to the core of me and I now I am free, free to do as I wish and I have no idea what to do."

Tom looked out of his conservatory window and asked her "what would you want to do? It doesn't matter how crazy just is there anything you want to do?"

"Well that just it, no there isn't, not at all." She replied, all her hope and dreams had shattered and she saw no reason to fight anymore.

"Kathryn, you know you can have as much time as you want here, there's no rush." Tom told her wanting her to know he cared and would support her in anyway he could, for as long as she needed him and his family.

"Thanks Tom." She said with a smile and then turned to him asking, "did you really tell Miral I was a hero."

"Did you really tell Miral you are not?" was his reply, which he asked in seriousness to highlight what he really thought of her.

"Don't put me on a peddle stool Tom." She told him shaking her head.

Tom turned to meet her blue eyes and told her seriously "Kathryn Janeway it was not me who did that."

Kathryn stared into his deep serious blue eyes for a second and then decided to change the subject asked, "How is your father Tom?"

Tom watched her for a second and then decided to go with the subject change and replied "He's fine, still as Starfleet as they come."

"Owen always was and always will be Starfleet, that's what my dad used to say." Kathryn said with a smile and a distant look in her eyes.

"Funny." Said Tom.

"What is?" she asked him.

"That's what I used to say about you." Tom told her with a smile.

"There was a time Tom when I might have said the same about myself" she told him and then snorted saying "how times change."

"Many of the Voyagers will start to wonder where you are." He told her as he turned from her, he didn't want to push her but it was an issue that needed facing.

"Oh? Why is that?" she asked almost shocked.

"The news of your release has finally got out." He told her deciding he really shouldn't hide it from her.

"Oh" she whispered simply as she took a huge sigh.

"Your big news Kathryn, you were fifteen years ago and you are now." He told her.

"I was kind of hoping for a low profile."

"I keep telling you, and I'll tell anyone who'll listen, you Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway are a hero!"

Kathryn snapped her head to stare at him with her wide blue eyes and shook she head at him telling him "I was just doing my job Tom."

"And did they pay you for it?" he asked as his own anger was beginning to show "did they set you up with a home when they threw you out of prison."

Kathryn was shocked by Tom's sudden outburst of anger and in her shock misunderstood what he was saying, "I am sorry Tom, and I'll do my best to find somewhere else to live."

Wide eyed Tom looked at her and frantically shook his head saying "No Kathryn, that's not what I meant, we told you, you are so very welcome to stay here as much as you want and for as long as you need."

"I don't want to be in your way" she replied sadly, part of Kathryn did wish she could find somewhere to live on her own and support herself.

Tom looked at her sad frame and shook his head grasping her hand in his, "you could never be, and I just meant I was angry that they never set you up with anything, for your sake, not ours."

Kathryn turned to look at him "well what's done is done." She told him.

Tom realised then how much he cared for this older woman, he wanted to support her and so he said "Kathryn you have never told us what happened when you made the plea bargain, what were the terms?"

With a heavy sigh she said "Tom can we talk about that another day?"

"Sure." Came his reply.

Later that evening Kathryn sat alone and was thinking over her conversation with Tom. He was right she had not been out other than to go to Chakotay's house and that had really been a less than pleasant experience. Kathryn then realised she didn't know what she was afraid of or why she was keeping herself locked inside, she was a free woman now she could go where she liked. Taking her coat she left the house alone in freedom to walk through the nearby town that she had passed on her way to the transporter station earlier that day when she had gone to see Chakotay.

Kathryn stopped in the night air to take in the beauty of the river that ran though the quiet town.

"It's nice." A deep mans voice said from behind her. It was a voice Kathryn did not know.

"Yes it is." She replied without turning to see who had spoken.

"Jake Wilson." The man said stepping next to her and stretching out his palm to shake her hand.

Taking his hand she began to introduce herself to this stranger "Kathryn Jan-"

"Janeway, yes I know." He interrupted.

"You do?" she asked looking deep into his grey eyes, eyes she recognised but couldn't quite place.

"Everyone does." The stranger told her simply.

"So what can I do for you?" she asked drawing herself up to her best professional stance.

"Walk with me?" he said with a somewhat familiar smile that again Kathryn couldn't place but it made her feel relaxed. The same words Chakotay had said to her only that morning.

"What walk with a complete stranger down this river bank in the night air?" she asked tilting her head to look up at him, though she could not explain it but she did recognise this man from somewhere and he did make her feel relaxed.

"Why not?" he asked her calmly.

Kathryn watched him for a second and then shrugged saying "Why not." and taking his arm she walked with him. This was something that Kathryn would not normally do but something about this stranger made her want to go with him without asking any questions.

**End of chapter 8…. More coming soon….**


	9. Where is she?

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 9**

**Where is she?**

"Don't look so worried B'Elanna." Said a weary Tom as he looked over his mug at his wife who was now pacing a whole in the wooden floor of their living room.

Rounding on her husband B'Elanna asked, "Where is she Tom?"

"Maybe she went out for a walk." He suggested but even to Tom it sounded slightly weak.

"Without telling us?" B'Elanna snapped back.

"She is not a prisoner B'Elanna." He reminded her as he turned back to the PADD he had been reading before his wife had started her tirade about their missing houseguest.

"Tom please." Hissed his wife in angry warning.

"What?" he asked back of her throwing the PADD down on the sofa next to where he sat giving up on trying to read it.

"That's not funny." B'Elanna told him as she sank into the large armchair opposite her husband.

"It wasn't supposed to be." He told her watching her cautiously.

"So where is she then?" B'Elanna asked for what felt to Tom like the hundredth time in the last twenty minutes.

"B'E how am I supposed to know? I don't know any more than you." He said trying to sound reassuring but all the while inside he was slightly worried.

"Her bed hasn't been slept in." chipped in Miral as she came to sit in the main sitting room with her parents.

"I know that," hissed her angry and worried half klingon mother as she snatched a slice of toast from her druthers breakfast plate.

"So where is she?" asked B'Elanna as her daughter glared angrily at her.

"Stop asking that B'Elanna." Said a very worried Tom who was trying his best not to seem worried at all.

"Well what else am I supposed to ask right now?" yelled B'Elanna as she rose to pace the floor once more.

"Look let's just think about this logically." Said Tom as he held his hands up surrender to his angry wife.

B'Elanna spun round and glared at her husband who could be very annoying at times, "Ok so now my husband has decided to turn into a Vulcan."

"B'Elanna!"

"Ok, right yea, logically." Agreed B'Elanna "I didn't see her for most of yesterday, I thin she did go out in the morning."

"Yea, she went to see Chakotay." Agreed Miral

"She what?" Yelled B'Elanna as she looked from her husband to her daughter in horror as both seemed to know this fact.

"she went to Indiana to see Chakotay." Nodded Tom as he tried to remember if anything was said in their conversation the night before that might have suggested where she had gone.

"How do you know that Tom?" asked a very shocked looking half klingon.

"She told me." He told his wife truthfully.

Gesturing towards her daughter who was now making more toast in the kitchen B'Elanna asked "So was that before or after she made things up with Miral?"

"She went out before but I was talking to her yesterday evening after she had talk to Miral." Said Tom as he was beginning to feel slightly worried, something told him this just wasn't right.

"When was that?" snapped B'Elanna fuming that nobody thought to tell her this little piece of information when all the while she was giving Kathryn space.

"Well I don't know." Shrugged Tom.

"Think!" his wife yelled at him.

"Humm… maybe about 5 or 6 ish." He suggested.

"so I didn't see her after that, nor did Miral so you were the last one to see her." B'Elanna told him.

"great." Tom mutter rolling his eyes.

"so?" his wife demanded from him.

Looking agitated and confused Tom looked at B'Elanna shrugged and asked "so what?"

"what did you two talk about?" she said as though this was such an obvious question.

"I don't know, stuff." Tom told her truthfully not thinking his conversation with Kathryn would have made her go missing.

"what stuff Tom?" B'Elanna demanded feeling exasperated.

"does it matter?" Tom asked her slightly unsure why it did.

"yes" B'Elanna hissed back at him.

"well I don't know, prison," Tom suggested trying to remember what it was he talked with his former Captain about. "how she doesn't leave here much and the other Voyager crew." Then remembering she pointed out even though B'Elanna thought it was obvious "Oh and Chakotay."

"were going to have to tell him aren't we?" she asked sounding really worried now.

Crossing his brow and looking down at his wife's worried eyed Tom asked confused "tell him what?"

"that we lost her." Snapped B'Elanna as though this was obvious.

"B'Elanna, we haven't lost her, she just had one night out! And anyway I didn't see him coming to spend his time with her." Tom reminded her.

"maybe she's there." Said a slightly hopeful B'Elanna.

"with Chakotay?" asked a sceptical Tom.

"yea"

Tom looked at his wife with a worried expression and asked "do you really want to alert him to the fact that we lost her?"

"I thought we didn't loose her!" B'Elanna snarled sarcastically.

"she's a woman in her sixties, she's not a little kid." Tom reminded his wife, really there was nothing they could do about it right then.

"maybe she's _has _gone back to see Chakotay." Suggested a very serious, and hopeful, B'Elanna.

"I don't think so." Said Tom shaking his head seriously.

"why?" she asked worried as she realised the seriousness of her husband's last comment.

"it didn't go so good" Tom cautiously told his wife not wanting to break her confidence.

"why what happened?" B'Elanna asked him with wide eyes.

"I don't really know, two of six was there." Tom told her which was truthfully all he knew.

"great" sighed a very exhausted B'Elanna who realised how dipterous Two of Six and Kathryn together would be. Realising that they still didn't know where Kathryn had gone B'Elanna asked "well where else has she gone?"

"I don't know do I?" said Tom as he glared at his wife shaking his head.

"so did you tell her where any of the others live?" B'Elanna asked Tom.

After thinking for a minute Tom told his wife seriously "no"

"what about when you told her where Chakotay lives?" she asked him looking into space and trying to think about where Kathryn could be.

"I didn't, I thought you did" said Tom as he slowly met the eyes of his wife.

" no" she told him shaking her head as worry fanned across her face.

"oh." Whispered Tom as he looked like something hard had just hit him in the stomach.

"Miral!" B'Elanna called to her fifteen-year-old daughter "Did you tell Kathryn where Chakotay lives?"

"No, she went long before I talked to her." Miral told her parents truthfully as they exchanged worried look.

"Did you tell her where anyone else lives? And of the other Voyagers?" Tom asked her.

"No, why? You don't think Kathryn as gone to see the Voyagers do you?" Miral asked.

"Well why not?" asked B'Elanna rounding on her daughter as though she knew something.

"What if Chakotay or Two of Six told her?" asked Miral looking form one parent to the next.

"Well that's a point" pointed out Tom.

"Do you want to ask him?" asked a nervous B'Elanna while Tom merely glared silently at her in frustration, clearly he didn't want to risk alerting Chakotay to the fact Kathryn had gone missing.

"Maybe the same person who told her where we live told her were the others live" suggested Miral with a shrug.

Both of her parents shot the heads round the stare at their teenage daughter until B'Elanna slowly turned to her husband and said "there's a point how the hell did she know where we live? Who told her?"

All three of them looked at each other in silence, there was something they had not thought of, something that now really needed an answer, along with where the hell is she?

**More to come soon….SORRY FOR THE DELAY… I felt this short chapter should be added as one on it's own.. more someing tomorrow so all you have to do is wait a few hours! Yay!... Thank you for your support. I found one of my older fanfictions so I have spent the last few days up loading that one but more to come tomorrow for this one so watch out!... Thanks. X **


	10. The federation should be on their knees

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 10**

**The federation should be on their knees.**

A very angry and worried Chakotay came barging through Tom and B'Elanna's door as he stared at Tom right in the eye and growled "all you had to do was keep her safe!"

Tom melted under the glare of his former first officer and gulped in fear slightly "Chakotay calm down! She's fine" B'Elanna told her old friend and father figure.

"is that so?" Chakotay hissed rounding on her in his angry way. B'Elanna held his gaze and stared back.

"Well…" spluttered B'Elanna who actually didn't know where Kathryn was.

"I think you had better watch the news!" hissed Chakotay as he marched into their sitting room and turned on the small view screen in the corner of the room, immediately Kathryn's smiling face greeted them. A selection on images of Kathryn shot across the screen as the Torres-Paris's stared at it in confusion. Chakotay stared at the beautiful face of Kathryn with his heart pounding and his fists clenched. Tom looked in confusion at the older and larger man unsure why he was acting this way until the news reporter began to talk."

"…Ms Janeway the former captain of the starship Voyager, to some a hero to others a neurotic law breaker but one thing is sure, Ms Janeway served her time. Wouldn't you agree Bob?"

"Oh yes Brian, she served fifteen long years in the New Zealand penal colony. I think she was a hero, she brought her crew home, I am sure there are many a captain who would buckle and couldn't do what she did." came the voice of a second news reporter.

"So the federation now know she has been released and is free. But the question many of us are asking is should she be left alone to live out the rest of her days in quietness or should she be made a public figure open to endless debate?" questioned Brian the first news reporter.

The view screen then showed a sight neither B'Elanna nor Tom had expected to see, a sight that angered Chakotay. A younger man was holding Kathryn, the older Kathryn, hostage with a pahser to her head. He held her on the very edge of a cliff as he forced her to her knees, it looked as though he was either going to push her off the cliff or fire a pahser blast into her skull. "We are seeing live images now Brian" Bob reported. "We have been monitoring this situation all night, there seems to be no change, Ms Janeway has quite a resolve wouldn't you agree?"

"It's the resolve of the Voyager crew I would be worried about." The first news reporter began "they hold quite a special honour for their captain, as soon as they learnt that their former captain was being held hostage many of them have flocked down here. The federation security are trying to keep them back through fear that there presence and support will only anger him and cause him to act."

The image then flicked from Kathryn being held hostage to a group of familiar looking Voyagers who were all stood firmly staring at where their beloved Captain was fearing for her life, "We are talking to some of them now, one Samantha Wildman has something to say to the federation" Brian informed the viewers.

"This federation should be on their knees before this woman, the federation should crumble to offer an apology to this woman. What she did for us none of you can even begin to comprehend, what she sacrificed is beyond your dreams." The older and sterner face of Sam Wildman told the camera "The federation better have her freed from this maniac and punishment for him should be in place."

"Who the attacker is nobody knows, the Voyager crew don't seem to know." Said Brian.

"The Voyager crew didn't seem to know much Brian, I am not sure many of them were aware their Hero was released from prison at the beginning of the week." Bob told everyone.

"Where has she been Bob? And Does the federation not think it curious that Ms Janeways first officer Mr. Chakotay who has been very active in demanding for her release is not her today?"

"Good question Brian, has he finally given up? He does have a very attractive wife, has he finally turned his attention to the woman he is married too?"

"his wife has only just given birth to their fourth child."

"so he is wiping his kids poo while his former captain is being held captive fearing for her life." Laughed Brian to which Chakotay turned off the view screen and marched towards the door of Tom and B'Elanna's house.

"Hay old man where are you going?" asked a very worried B'Elanna as she called after Chakotay.

"You heard them! I should be there!" He hissed as his anger boiled as he wrenched open the front door and stormed outside.

Tom glanced across at his wife who tightened her jaw in a fixed way and grabbed her coat, "were coming with you." She said as her husband who too had grabbed his coat closely followed her.

As the trasnporter been rematerialized the three of them on the busy hill top Chakotay wasted no time in marching up to one of the security officers in a yellow uniform and demanding to know what they were doing to rescue her.

CHAPTER 11 NOW UP!


	11. The nephew of Frank Darwin

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 11**

**The nephew of frank Darwin.**

Chakotay stared at the seen before him; his Kathryn was in danger and terror. He knew a younger Kathryn may have thought back but this was an old and broken Kathryn who was held hostage, a woman who had spent the last fifteen years of her life alone in a New Zealand penal colony. The Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway who Chakotay knew and had loved and had even married many years ago might have been made of tougher stuff. It was then Chakotay realised he knew very little of this woman, nobody did. He glanced at Tom and B'Elanna where he saw B'Elanna at least was thinking the same as he. Chakotay's instinct was to run up and play the hero and rescue the brave damsel in distress but something in Chakotay held him back, perhaps the knowledge that this woman was no longer his, a fault that lied painfully and solely with him.

"Chakotay!" came the earth shattering and distinctive cry of Kathryn herself. Chakotay's whole body whipped around the look into the crying blue eyes of the woman held captive. Chakotay could see her heart was pounding and her eyes were full of tears. He met her terror filled eyes with this and he did not want to tare his eyes from her. Very few times had he seen her eyes look at him this way and only three times had he been the reason for her terror. Once early on in their journey together he, in his anger, had threatened to rape her in her own ready room the terror she had shown him in her eyes that day had been the same terror she was looking at him now. Once not long after that his dreams and nightmares had overcome him when she had crept silently into his room to console him with her love he had believed her to be a Cardassian and had attacked her much as this man was to her now and the terror in her eyes was great then as it was now. The last time was many years later, a time when he was controlled as the leader of the Maquis and had lead a Maquis mutiny against her, he had ordered Tuvok to kill her in cold blood before him in her ready room, the terror he remembered in her eyes then was as shatteringly painful as the terror he saw now. "Chakotay please!" she called out in a heart wrenching painful cry. As she did the young man tightened his grip around her.

"Shut it whore!" growled her captor as he forced her tiny aged body to the ground.

Chakotay lunged forward to get to her but as he did one of the Starfleet Security Officers dressed in their usual yellow forced him back in behind the crowd. "Stay back!" hissed the unnamed Ensign.

"Are you going to save Kathryn?" Chakotay demanded.

"Sir, nobody wants to see this end badly, for everyone's sake members of the public are to say back. Nobody more than us wants to see that hostage saved." Retorted the young ensign trying to sound like he was in control of the situation even though he clearly had no idea who Kathryn or Chakotay really were.

"That hostage" began Chakotay trying to keep his cool "is my ex-wife, a woman I care for very dearly and a woman who did more for her ship than most the admirals in Starfleet have done for anybody. She was sacrificing herself daily for her ship and crew while you were still in dippers lad." Snarled Chakotay. "if you will not do your job and save her, I will" he snapped with his own wide jet-black eyes looking the poor rather intimidated unnamed Ensign up and down.

"Sir, Starfleet regulations say that civilians should not get themselves involved in such hostage situations." The poor ensign tried desperately to tell Chakotay who clearly was not in the mood for regulations.

"To hell with Starfleet." Growled a very angry Chakotay was he pushed past the security line into the clearing ahead of the crowd who were gathered but held back by the security team.

Kathryn's head shot up to see a very angry and determined looking Chakotay march towards her where she lay on the floor.

"Stay back!" shouted her captor dragging Kathryn to her feet at once more pointing the phaser at her head "I mean it or she's dead!"

"let her go." Insisted a very calm sounding Chakotay as he continued to move closer in a very determined way.

"I have no quarrel with you!" snarled the young captor though his eyes gave away his fright when he saw Chakotay was not afraid of him.

"No?" said a very calm Chakotay as he was now no more than a foot from Kathryn and her captor "then what is you quarrel with Ms. Janeway?" when the young man did not reply Chakotay took a step closer "tell me sir, you must have one for it is not everyday a young man kidnaps a woman and holds her hostage over a cliff face attracting the attention of the entire federation via the news." Chakotay's words were that of a calm and peaceful Native American but all the while he was raging inside. He was so close he could hear Kathryn's breathing and feel her terror, he dared not look at her in case her terrified and pleading eyes made his calm peaceful demeanour to rupture and Chakotay knew right then he had caught this man off guard and he was inches from saving her.

"she allowed the murderer of my uncle to go free, the live a nice comfortable life on Voyager, my mother and two aunts were distort when they learnt of my fathers death." It sounded to Chakotay like this man was in tears and almost breaking down in tears.

"Is this the way to treat her?" Chakotay asked in compassion "does what you feel she has done wrong warrant you treating her this way?"

"if your uncle was murdered would you search for restitution from the murderer?" asked the man who was clearly in confusion over his own actions.

"My entire family were killed by the Cardassians in the Dominion war, I joined the Marquis but this woman taught me anther way to live and another way to die, this is not the way." Said a calm Chakotay as most of his anger faded "tell me what is your name?" he asked.

"My name is not important." Snarled the captor though Chakotay did notice he was loosening his grip on his dear Kathryn.

Chakotay racked his brains to understand the events that unfolded before him slowly, calmly and cautiously he asked "so you are the nephew of Frank Darwin?" at his words Kathryn's wide blue eyes of understanding shot up to star Chakotay in the eye. It was only then she understood what she was being accused of. Crewman Frank Darwin served on her crew in engineering but was murdered in cold blood by Lon Suder on of her Maquis crewmembers in the second year of their journey. Kathryn then had gone through a painful and heart-wrenching decision about what to do with Lon Suder, what punishment would be fitting in their unique situation. Having incarcerated him in his quarters until he later died in a Kazon attack Kathryn had always known Frank Darwin's three sisters and their families would not be happy with the punishment she had given the murderer.

"is this the way?" Kathryn heard Chakotay ask calmly before there was a lot of shouting from where she did not know and she hit the ground with a painful crash. She heard Chakotay's horrified voice screaming her name and then her world went dark.

**End of Chapter 11… Chapter 12 NOW UP!…**


	12. It's Chakotay

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 12**

**It's Chakotay.**

Slowly and painfully Kathryn forced her eyelids to open, the clearing and the cliff top were gone, the crowd and the shouting had disappeared, she was alone. She was inside but where she did not know. There was throbbing on the side of her skull, which sent shivers through her body. With a groan she tried to sit up and keep herself from fainting as a bight light was shone in her direction.

"Don't sit up so fast." A familiar voice came form somewhere to her right.

"Doctor?" she asked almost in horror to hear the sound of his voice.

"The one and only. I must say it is good to see you again." Said the balding man as he moved the light from Kathryn's face causing her to blink but when she opened her eyes once more she was able to see her old friend more clearly and see he had not changed in appearance since his days serving on Voyager.

"Where?" She asked as she flopped down into a lying position and realised she was on a bio-bed; closing her eyes tight she rubbed her forehead with the palm of her hand, she was safe she knew it.

"Starfleet medical." The doctor replied as he scanned a beeping tricorder over his patient.

"My head, it hurts so much doctor." Mumbled Kathryn as she fazed in and out of consciousness.

"I know, I can work on it now. You should be up and about by the end of the day." Said the rather smug sounding EMH before Kathryn's eyelids finally slid shut and she found herself asleep again.

The next thing Kathryn knew her eyes were opening again and she was once more lying on the bio-bed in Starfleet medical. She could see it a lot clearer now, as her vision was not so blurred, the throbbing pain in her head was gone. Sitting up quickly she caused one of the nearby monitors to beep. Almost instantly a young Starfleet nurse came bustling in glancing at the PADD she was carrying in her hand, "Ms. Janeway, you are free to leave. Starfleet security have asked you contact them within twenty four hours to make a statement." The nurse said nothing more before she turned to leave the room.

"May I ask what happened? It's all a blur to me." Asked Kathryn who was feeling slightly disorientated but a lot better than the last time she was awake.

The nurse turned and absentmindedly muttered under her breath "I'm not sure, it's not in your file" when Kathryn merely stared back blankly at the nurse clearly expecting a more detailed answer the nurse sighed heavily and shuffled towards the bed where she thrust the PADD she was carrying into Kathryn's hand and marched out of the room before she could be asked any more questions. Kathryn pulled confused and angry face at the back of the nurse as she left her alone in the room. Glancing at the PADD she saw it said that she had come into Starfleet medical by emergency transport. She had three broken ribs, a phaser blast to her left shoulder and a gash on the side of her head that was feared to result in concussion, the PADD did also say that the cause of these injuries were classified. Kathryn sighed herself and placed the PADD on the bio-bed beside her. Realising she was not going to get any more information she stepped slowly down onto her feet. Feeling quite fearful in ways she could not explain Kathryn moved towards the door. Timidly she opened it and stepped into the corridor of the main Starfleet medical and was immediately greeted by many familiar faces. Mike Ayala and his now grown up sons, Sam and a rather grown up Naomi Wildman with a young man Kathryn could only assume was Naomi's fiancé that Tom had told her about. Harry and Libby Kim even Tuvok were there huddled together on a near by bench. Susan Nicoletti seemed to be comforting an _upset _B'Elanna Torres while Tom and Miral talked in hushed voices just behind them. Kathryn knew something was wrong because all looked worried and some how she knew things can't have changed so drastically in fifteen years that it was normal for B'Elanna to be _crying._ If there ever was a time for Kathryn to catch up with the crew she hadn't seen in fifteen years then seemed to be it. Relived that none of the group had appeared to have noticed her Kathryn tried to silently make her way to where Tom and Miral were stood slightly apart from the others.

"Ms. Janeway please sign this discharge PADD." Came the cheery voice of one of the receptionists as she made her way to Kathryn's side and leaving a eerie silence from the group as all looked up to stare at her. Hastily Kathryn left her signature on the PADD and let the receptionist hurry away happily oblivious to the attention she had brought to the former captain for the gathered members of her former crew.

Kathryn couldn't bare the staring, nobody was saying anything they were all just looking wide eyed at her. Kathryn looked to B'Elanna who quickly turned away with a sob.

Tom moved quickly to Kathryn's stunned side and wrapped his arm around her shoulder to turn her away from the prying eyes of her former crew, "It's Chakotay." Tom began in a deep solemn voice. All fear in Kathryn rushed to her brain and her head shot back to the solemn, tired and sad eyes of her crew looking at her. As Kathryn's blue eyes met with B'Elanna's watery brown eyes she felt dizzy and a sudden wave of sickness filled her throat.

"Tom?" Kathryn hissed desperately "Tom tell me he's OK?" she shrieked a her own eyes filled with tears as she looked back at the desperate blue eyes of her ex-helmsman who was clearly trying to stay strong.

"Kathryn?" Sam Wildman's tentative and compassionate voice could be heard from somewhere inches behind her but Kathryn didn't care, all else in the world was slipping from her as she stared at Tom waiting for him to tell her what about Chakotay.

**End of Chapter 12… More to come soon…**


	13. Thursday's

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 13**

**Thursdays.**

"Kathryn it all happened so fast" Tom began but then took a breath as though trying to think what to say.

"What happened so fast?" Kathryn demanded her wide blue eyes searching her friend. When Tom did not reply Kathryn spun round to look into Sam's eyes who was trying to draw her into a hug. Past Sam she could see the rest the group who were all looking over at her with sad eyes. "B'Elanna?" Kathryn asked the uncharacteristically crying half-Klingon.

B'Elanna was just about to open her mouth and answer when Two of Five came marching through the doors in a self-important looking march. "What exactly did you do to _my _husband?" Two of Five demanded of Kathryn.

"Pardon?" Spluttered a very confused and worried Kathryn.

"Two of Five" Tom said stepping between the two women to try to defuse what he felt could end up in an argument and feeling Starfleet Medical was not the time or the place. "He is in intensive care." Tom told both the women Kathryn's blue eyes flashed to meet Tom's own blue eyes.

"Will he heal?" demanded Two of Five in a very matter of fact tone not the tone of a wife greeted by the news of her husband's delicate state.

"I-" began Tom but then glancing at Kathryn said to her in a softer tone "I don't know, the doctor is in there now."

"I demand to see my husband" snapped Two of Five as she marched past all the gathered people and nobody wanted to stop her.

"What happened?" Kathryn demanded from Tom, all eyes were now back on her.

"Kathryn" came Sam Wildman's sensitive voice from behind.

Turning the older woman was met by the eyes of the friend she hadn't seen in fifteen years "Oh Sam, Hello!" she exclaimed with a relaxing smile as she embraced the woman before her.

"Kathryn he's been calling for you." Sam told her as the older woman embraced her.

"Me?" gasped Kathryn drawing from Sam's grip and looking around the room.

"He is delusional but in his unconscious state he keeps calling your name and then insisting that today is Thursday and that you never came." Said B'Elanna walking up to her former captain "no of us could understand what he meant."

"Thursday?" whispered Kathryn as her voice trailed of as she backed into a seat against the wall, she hadn't thought of her weekly Thursday nights with her secret husband since the early days of being in prison. Kathryn and Chakotay had committed their lives together as husband and wife many years ago when they had been stranded together on a planet they named New Earth believing there was no chance of a rescue. When voyager had returned to rescue them Kathryn had insisted they return to their command roles on Voyager and that protocol would not allow them to be married. It was her loving brave first officer who had convinced her of a way they could have both… Thursday nights… Closing her eyes with the memory Kathryn thought back to that day just after their rescue from New Earth and the heavy pain in her heart…

_**Kathryn Janeway sat alone in her quarter's just hours after beaming back aboard Voyager. She hadn't really said a word to Chakotay since Tuvok's untimely comm signal had interrupted their planning of a boat and camping trip. She had shot some orders at him to where he sat next to her on the bridge but she had been very cold and formal towards him and had used his rank not his name. Now she was alone and she missed her husband dearly. She missed the Chakotay she had grown to love very deeply and share her intimacy with. She missed the Chakotay a life without protocol allowed her to be with as well as she missed the Kathryn that life allowed her to be.**_

_**She was still wearing the necklace; the symbol of her marriage to Chakotay, a joining that had been so real and intimate down on that planet. That was the Chakotay she wanted to stay with the kind, loving and peaceful Chakotay not the angry warrior that could find no peace.**_

_**It was then her door chime sounded drawing her back to her senses, "Come in" she mumbled expecting Tuvok to enter and inform her of what she had missed these last few months.**_

_**"Kathryn." Came the calm gentle voice of Chakotay as he stood in her doorway looking at her.**_

_**Slowly Kathryn lifted her head and asked tearfully, "What can I do for you commander?"**_

_**Stepping to her Chakotay said lovingly, "Nothing, the commander wants nothing from you but Chakotay wants to see his wife."**_

_**Kathryn's watery blue eyes met with his loving jet-black eyes, "We can't not here on Voyager."**_

_**Taking her hands in his he drew her to himself, "I know, not here not now but tell me one thing, tell me you didn't want to marry me? Tell me you didn't want to be my wife."**_

_**Pulling away and turning from him he heard her cracked voice say, "You know I could never say that, being your wife means the universe to me, it is what I have come to live for." Slowly she turned back to him and out stretched her arm to revel the marriage necklace he had given her, "Give this to a woman who deserves it."**_

_**Chakotay saw the treble in her voice as she said those words. Slowly he stepped towards her and outstretched his own arm as though to take the necklace. Kathryn's heart skipped a beat as he wrapped her fingers tightly around the necklace in her hands. Lifting her hand he kissed her knuckles as she clasped the necklace in her hands as he looked deep into her eyes he said lovingly,**_

_**"Dearest Kathryn it is mine to give to whom I will, I have found the most beautiful woman who is more that deserving of my love and to be my wife. Fate has it that we can not live as husband and wife but know this, in this journey I will stand at your side and never falter. I will be with you through the good and the bad. I will put a smile on your face and wipe away your tears. I will never forget you and I will help you to keep safe on this road we will travel together. The ancient legend of the angry warrior and his beautiful woman warrior is not over my Kathryn. One day we will find away home and on that day I will be stood at your side smiling at your face as I take you as my bride. There will never be anybody else for me. Know this Kathryn, you are my wife and I your husband. Though we cannot openly show it we will know it, wear this because you know it. Together as unrequited husband and wife we will find a way home and then you shall be my one true bride."**_

_**As tears fell from Kathryn's deep blue eyes she nodded in agreement and said, "please never leave me my husband."**_

_**"Never" Chakotay whispered as he kissed her forehead gently.**_

_**"I could not bear to live without your friendship, please will you join me for weekly meals? We will make it to each week where once a week we can steal a few hours to live has husband and wife?" Kathryn asked him in pain as she could only allow her husband a few hours each week for truly be her husband.**_

_**"It will be my honor my wife, every Thursday?" He asked his beautiful wife.**_

_**"Every Thursday." She smiled and all ready she was hopeful as she watched her husband let go of her arms and slowly walk from her quarters leaving her alone, until Thursday when once more he would be her husband, even for just a few hours.**_

Standing up Kathryn looked at Tom and B'Elanna, "I have to go," she stated in a matter of fact voice, "he is with his wife, I am not his wife." She did not like the pain she felt for the rejection of every promise Chakotay had made to her back then.

"Kathryn what is so important about Thursday's?" Tom asked.

"A little less than I thought." Sighed Kathryn as she turned to look at each of her past crewmembers who now were looking right at her in a rather uncomfortable way.

Mike Ayala who had been a good friend and trusted confidant of Chakotay's since before they were on Voyager stepped forward and looked at his former captain in the eye "ma'am" he began with caution feeling he did not know her well enough to address her as Kathryn "Chakotay cared for you more then you knew, he still does, Thursday's meant the world to him over the years. I knew he was wrong to throw it all away at the end for Seven of Nine, and he knows it too, and sadly so does she."

"Mr. Ayala could you please get to the point." Kathryn asked gently feeling very much aware that the rest of the group were still watching them and it had surprised her to learn Chakotay had shared such intimate details of their marriage relationship with Ayala, apparently she had underestimated how close Ayala was to Chakotay.

"Ma'am, I am trying to say that even in his delusional unconscious state he cries out for you, for what you had on Thursdays, fifteen years have been lost and in that room lies the man you spent five years married to." At his words several members of the crew gasped Sam shot a look at Kathryn of pure shock and Harry looked as though he didn't really know where to look as his cheeks went bright red.

"Thank you Mr. Ayala I am aware of that." She told him sharply as she glanced at the wide and shocked eyes of her former crew "but fifteen years ago Chakotay made his choice and I accepted it, I did not try to break him from the woman he has since married and started a family with."

"Kathryn! He might die!" Exclaimed B'Elanna in horror realising her former captain may just walk away from the man they all knew she loved.

"I know" whispered Kathryn as he blue eyes filled with tear and pain "but as you all know Chakotay married another woman, In answer to you question Tom" she said turning to the younger man "Thursdays is nothing to me now." And with that the ex-wife of the injured Native American turned to make her tearful exit as the members of her former crew sat stunned looking at her. Had the Captain really been married to the First Officer?


	14. The beginnings of the truth

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 14**

**The beginnings of the truth**

Tom Paris walked into a darkened room and was about to open his mouth to say something when a deep husky voice broke the silence for him "Tom please don't"

"But why Kathryn?" he asked moving further into the darkened room though he could not see much he knew she stood at the window with her back to him for he could make out her silhouetted form.

"Tom please." She said raising a hand.

"It's been two day's Kathryn." He replied steadily as he reached to switch the light on.

The bright light broke into the darkness in a flash but the greying and almost frail woman stood by the window was not fazed. Steadily she tilted her head behind her to glance in the younger man's direction without having to turn or look at him, both knew that would show he deeply tearful eyes. "How is he?" was all she asked, all she needed to ask.

"Do you love him?" the steady younger man asked in reply.

"He is married to another woman Tom." She said in a heavy and broken voice as she turned her head back to looking out of the window, She knew there had been no change in the condition of the brave man she knew otherwise Tom would have told her.

"That wasn't the question I asked." He said turning to look round the room picking up some of the artefacts she had laid out on the shelves of the guest room since she had taken up residence in his home.

"I know." Was all she gave in reply.

"What happened?" Tom asked her as he turned the delicate necklace over in his hand, Tom knew Chakotay had made and given it to her in symbol of their marriage many years ago but he knew little else of what had happened between his two former commanding officers.

"He moved on." was all she said but Tom knew she said it with great pain.

"No Kathryn I mean what happened between you two?" he asked even though he knew she knew full well what he had meant.

"I don't know what your getting at Tom." She said in a dismissive tone.

Tom snorted as he went to stand behind the woman he cared for greatly "Yes you do" he told her "your just pretending you don't because you can't face it."

"I think you have said enough." She said spinning round with a look of set fury on her face as her blue eyes met with his.

"Kathryn we are worried about you." He told her calmly as he laid his hand on her shoulder.

"There is no need." She muttered sadly brushing him off.

"Talk to us Kathryn." He said as he watched her march from him to the other side of the room "please, it's been two days since the incident with Jake Wilson."

"I know." She hissed and Tom knew her hurt was causing her anger to rise.

"Why spend the last two days shut up here alone?"

"I needed time." Came Kathryn's snapped reply.

"Time for what Kathryn?" Tom almost begged an answer from his former captain "your not yourself"

"And what is myself Tom?" she snapped rounding on him.

"I don't know, you tell me, I am beginning to wonder if I ever knew." Tom said painfully.

Growling in anger she asked "and what do you mean by that?"

"Do you remember the admiral?" he asked casually referring to the way her future self had shown up in the Delta Quadrant to change the time line in order to bring them home earlier.

"Of course." Snapped Kathryn, it was through the admiral she had learnt of Chakotay's relationship with the former Borg drone then called Seven of Nine, it was with the admiral everything went wrong for Kathryn.

"She was you, but not as you were then." Tom started cautiously and taking a deep breath wondered how to say what else he had to say, but she turned on him and said it for him;

"Go on say it, she was me now. Alone, depressed and cynical."

"A little" he said, trying his best to sound concerning and not accusatorily.

"maybe it's fifteen years in a Starfleet penal colony." She barked at him almost bitterly as she sunk herself on to the bed. She was not as young as she used to be and liked to sit down, especially when she was angry.

"or maybe it's fifteen years of no contact with the man you love." Tom suggested what both knew to be the truth.

"how dare you!" snapped an emotionally drained Kathryn who couldn't bring herself to admit it.

Tom gave her the truth, "well somebody's got to say it because you wont."

"I told you he moved on." she snapped, trying to convince herself more than Tom.

"are you so sure of that?"

"he is married to another woman, he had children with another woman." She insisted with a slight hint of sarcasm.

"are you sure you didn't push him away?" Tom asked thinking she really needed to face this issue head on.

"we had Thursdays!" she insisted.

"tell us about Thursday's." came another voice from the doorway.

Both Kathryn and Tom turned to see who was there, "Harry!" exclaimed Kathryn as she looked into the dark eyes of Voyager's ever faithful Operations officer. A man Kathryn hadn't seen in fifteen years other then two day's ago in the corridor of Starfleet medical and she hadn't talked to him then.

"I'm sorry I, well I just came to see if you were ok, I hadn't heard from you." Harry told her rather sheepishly.

"Oh I am sorry Harry, come here!" SH said drawing the much younger man into a tight embrace.

"You-, oh Harry!" She said choking back her tears has she drew back to look at him "I'm sorry."

"no captain, errr ma'am" Harry told her shaking his head not sure how to address the woman he looked up to the most in the entire world.

"Kathryn" She beamed at him.

"Kathryn ma'am" he said to which she laughed shook her head and playfully swatted his arm.

"Were you really married to Chakotay." He asked as his cheeks went red, on Voyager Kathryn and Chakotay had played the parental role for Harry, it embarrassed him to talk of their personal life in such way.

Taking a deep intake of breath and looking at the floor she told him "Yes I was."

"I had no idea" an almost amazed Harry gasped.

"errr some of us knew but some wouldn't believe us!" interrupted Tom in his self-righteous voice.

What Kathryn shot him a glare she stumbled to correct himself "Well to be fair I didn't _know _in the sense of actually _knowing_."

"Conjecture." She smiled.

"yea, I knew you were close!" in replied almost in defence.

"Well I suppose now the cat's out of the bag so to speak I should start at the beginning at tell you what really went on between myself and Mr. Chakotay." She sighed.

"Oh Kathryn, do save us the gory details!" laughed a very egger Tom.

"Mr. Paris do you want to know what happened or not?"

"Yes ma'am, go right a head ma'am!" Tom smiled as he sat down to listen to her.


	15. Holograms and Borg drones

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 15**

**Holograms and Borg drones **

Turning from the two younger men Kathryn remembered back to a time when she was a younger and happier woman, a time when Chakotay's embrace was never far away and his dimples forced her to go weak at the knees with love "Chakotay and I were married." She told Harry and Tom as they stared at her in anticipation "We loved each other very deeply." She confirmed with a sad smile.

"I don't understand when were you married?" asked a slightly confused Harry as she looked from Kathryn to Tom who hadn't seemed in the least bit surprised when Mike Ayala had announced it two day's ago.

With a small smile Kathryn stood and took the necklace from Tom's hand and explained "In Chakotay's culture a big ceremony isn't needed, marriage is a personal vow between a man and woman who love each other. Chakotay and I made that vow." Then almost in justification she insisted, "We didn't think we would ever be rescued. At first I thought there might have been chance for a cure, hoped maybe, just maybe." Her mind trailed off as she thought back to that time twenty years ago "Chakotay was patient." She smiled broadly with the happy but distant memory.

"But soon you came to believe there was no chance of a rescue?" Tom asked assuring her they understood and were not angry about it.

With a shrug of her shoulders Kathryn nodded "We both gave in to the growing sense of love we felt for each other. It wasn't easy at first, I nearly said no, in fact I did at first, but then I gave in."

Wide-eyed and shaking his head in shock Harry told her "We had no idea."

Snapping her head up and looking at Harry, Kathryn told them "It had been growing between us for weeks," looking at Tom she asked, "remember when Chakotay resigned his commission and I ended up throwing him in the brig?"

Without really having to think Tom nodded saying "After he threatened you? When B'Elanna and I had to treat him?"

When Kathryn nodded back Harry told her "None of us really knew what happened then."

Standing and deciding to go down stairs for some coffee Kathryn stood and walked out the room with the two younger men following her "Chakotay was once an angry man, he was bitter and angry then." She told them sadly but as she reached the bottom of the stairs where B'Elanna had come out of the sitting room at the sound of her deep voice she looked at her three former crew members and admitted "I fell in love with him and he in love with me."

"So it was paradise on that planet together." Tom whispered in understanding.

"In a way." She thought "Nowhere is ever paradise Tom but it was our little home, our life where we could be-" she didn't know how to finish her sentence or really if she wanted to, trailing off her voice but B'Elanna finished it for her;

"Husband and wife." B'Elanna supplied.

"Exactly." Agreed Kathryn as she made her way into the large kitchen to fix herself a steaming mug of coffee.

"So when we rescued you?" a tentative Harry asked as he watched the woman he admired so much pour a drink of rich coffee for herself.

"I couldn't see any other way," she shrugged as she took a sip of her drink and turned to the three friends stood in the door of the kitchen watching her, hanging on her ever word. "Follow protocol and that meant we couldn't be married, I was the captain. Chakotay couldn't accept it, I pushed him away but all the while I loved him very deeply, I knew he loved me too."

"What did you do?" Asked B'Elanna who was feeling slightly guilty for she had been one of the ones pushing Tuvok to rescue Kathryn and Chakotay from the planet they had built a paradise on.

"Thursday's" stated Kathryn as she took another large gulp of coffee and made her way towards the chair at the breakfast bar in the kitchen.

"Thursday's?" asked a very confused B'Elanna although she knew Thursdays was what Chakotay was muttering about in his delusional state.

Nodding Kathryn explained, "It was Chakotay's idea really." When she realised the three were still stood staring at her looking confused she went on to explain more "Once a week, one night a week where we didn't have to be captain and commander, we could just be husband and wife, man and woman." With those words she shrugged and took another gulp of her hot coffee, mainly because she was slightly embarrassed about her words.

"Thursday's" whispered B'Elanna "we knew you and Chakotay liked to have weekly meals together, we had no idea it was for love. He just never said."

"We agreed not to say anything, not to let our marriage get in the way of our duties to the crew." Kathryn explained with a heavy sigh "It was hard, and I got tired of it often but it was the only way. I hated having a husband I had to creep from in the middle of the night, a husband I could only hold once a week. We both became weary over the years."

"He did love you" Tom said, he hadn't always got on with Chakotay but he had always known he carried a torch for the captain, they all did, they just didn't know she had lit it.

Kathryn snapped her tearful face to look at him, "I know he did, that I do not and have never doubted." There was nobody in the room that could doubt to conviction in their ex-captains voice when she said those words.

"He still loves you" came the calm voice of somebody new entering the kitchen.

All eyes turned to look at the tanned face of the dark haired man that now framed the doorway.

"Mike!" exclaimed Kathryn as she jumped from her chair placing her coffee mug on the table and with a broad smile went to embrace Mike Ayala.

"I am sorry I was so harsh to you the other day." He told her as he returned her hug. After the awkward embrace was over he looked at Tom and said calmly "The front door was open, I came by to see if the captain was ok." Tom just nodded at his old friend.

"You weren't harsh, maybe a little truthful, but sometimes that's what I need! And I'm doing just fine Mike, but I am not your captain anymore, I'm not even Starfleet, its just Kathryn now." Kathryn told him with a pat of his arm as she turned back to her chair and returned herself to her coffee mug.

With a smile Mike Ayala watched the now grey haired and frailer Kathryn Janeway settle herself on the kitchen stool, her blue eyes and red lips just as deeply coloured as always but her skin slightly paler than her remembered them being, "How long have you been realised?" he asked her

Slightly embarrassed she looked away from her former crewmember, "Not too long, I am sorry I didn't come to see any of you, I just couldn't do it." With a sigh she looked up at him and said, "I have been staying with Tom and B'Elanna, they have been great, really I need to get set up on my own, there are so many people I need to see."

"It's ok Kathryn we understand," said Harry gently though he did shoot Tom a look of disgust for not telling him their former captain had been released from her fifteen-year imprisonment.

"Chakotay and I have always been close, I knew of your marriage as he shared with me not long after your return from New Earth." Mike told her as he was unsure what she knew her knew.

"I never knew that." Kathryn told him truthfully though she was not angry her ex-husband had shared this with him.

"I don't think he wanted to go behind your back to tell me, I think it was more that he needed to talk." Mike tired to reassure her.

Raising her hand to quiet him she smiled warmly and shook her head, "It's ok, I understand, sometimes I wish I had made more friends on Voyager and talked to more people about my personal life."

When nobody said anything else and the silence could be felt by all five of them in an awkward way Tom broke the silence voicing what they were all thinking "What I don't understand is when Chakotay started to date Seven."

"That, Tom, was before we even left Voyager." Kathryn said in a deep and husky voice was she stared into her coffee cup deeply at all the left over drabs in the bottom.

"What? Right under your nose?" exclaimed a very horrified B'Elanna.

"I knew, he knew that I knew." Kathryn replied heavily.

"P'Tak!" retorted the half klingon, nobody else really protested.

Shaking her head Kathryn said stiffly "Don't get me wrong B'Elanna! He cared for me, but the strain was too much for both of us," reminding them she too had not always been as faithful to her marriage was she had wished to be "remember Michael Sullivan?"

"The hologram" spat out Tom as they all remembered the Irish bartender from the Fair Haven holodeck program. Kathryn had had some sort of fling or interest in him, they all had known that. Hell she had even paraded him around the ship using the Doctors mobile emitter. Tom had noticed the hurt and pained look Chakotay had given both the captain and her holographic 'boyfriend' that day and now it all made sense.

"I am sure Mike would confirm Chakotay too had holograms." Kathryn insisted to protest her innocence.

"Yea, but he never wanted to hurt you!" exclaimed Mike in his friends defence.

"Nor I him." Replied Kathryn sternly and all knew she was telling the truth "and it's ok Mike, we both agreed to the holograms."

"I had no idea Chakotay was with Seven when we were still on Voyager." Whispered Mike shaking his head in obvious disapproval of his friend.

"That was partly my doing." Whispered an absent minded Kathryn in a heavy voice.

"Kathryn?" asked Harry gently as all in the room stared at Kathryn.

As tears began to form in her eyes her vice creaked and her body trebled as she slammed the now empty mug on the table and told them "I told him to date her."

"WHAT?" shouted an extremely shocked B'Elanna.

"What happened?" asked Tom trying to show compassion as he glared at his wife making her have to bite her bottom lip to stop herself from out bursting again.

Kathryn let her deep blue eyes find the eyes of each of her long time friends as her mind wavered back fifteen years to the day she was sure she had lost Chakotay, and she opened her mouth to explain to her friends what had happened that day….


	16. A simple choice

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 16**

**A simple choice for a stubborn woman to make.**

**Kathryn's memory of fifteen years ago, set Two weeks before Voyager flew into the Alpha Quadrant, a week after the argument following the episode ****Natural Law**** as described in chapter six of this story****.**

_Storming into her quarters Kathryn unzipped her red and black uniform jacket throwing it over her desk she demanded a large black coffee from the replicator. Grabbing the PADD that she had left on the desk that morning she skimmed it's contents as she took a large gulp of the soothing liquid before she groaned and threw the offending PADD back onto the desk. Without even looking up she snapped, "I still don't have your report."_

"_I will have it to the captain at 0700 hours tomorrow as always." Came to steady voice of the ships first officer from the other side of the captain's quarters._

_Slamming her hand on the bulkhead she hissed, "see that you do commander" before she took another large gulp of her coffee._

_Chakotay silently watched his captain closely as she began storming around her quarters doing all sorts of little jobs until she started getting plates and wine glasses and slamming them on her table. "Kathryn?" he asked with caution, he didn't know weather he should help her set the table or stay well back out of her way._

"_What?" she snapped as she slammed her cupboard door shut and looked at him for the first time since she had stormed into her quarters about five minutes ago._

"_Are you ok?" he asked with compassion._

"_Do I look ok?" she growled back at him._

"_Well no" he began tentatively as he moved closer to her and tried to embrace her in a hug but that only seemed to anger her further "you seem a little tense." He settled for as he pulled back from her._

"_How long have you been here?" she was raising her voice in anger now._

"_Well I thought I would come up and wait for you, I got here about ten minutes before you." He said very confused about what was wrong with her._

"_And helped yourself to my replicator rations I see" she pointed out as she glanced at the now empty mug of tea on the coffee table near where he had been sat on the sofa._

"_I didn't think you would mind." He told her truthfully._

"_Chakotay that's not the point" she sighed heavily "it's not about tea or replicators."_

"_Then what is it about?"_

"_You have been about fifteen minutes now and you didn't think in all that time that it might be helpful if you set the table, replicated some wine." Shaking her head and moving towards her bedroom she waved her arms in the air snapping "Oh no, you just replicated yourself some tea and lounged around."_

"_I'm sorry darling, why don't I run you a nice warm bath and then when you're done I'll have dinner ready?" he asked as he followed her into her bedroom. _

_With a heavy sigh she turned to face him asking, "what's the point Chakotay?"_

"_Kathryn?" he asked taking her face in his hands "what's wrong?"_

"_Nothing" she snapped pulling angrily from him "maybe I will have a bath, clear my head, then we can have dinner." With those words she grabbed a towel and stormed past him into her bathroom and closed the door behind her leaving a very concerned Chakotay alone in her bedroom._

_Forty minutes later a very refreshed looking Kathryn walked into her living area where Chakotay was busying himself with the replicator with the most beautiful table set with candles and relaxing music playing in the background. "This is nice," she whispered as she walked up behind her husband making him jump slightly as he turned to look at her._

"_How are you?" he asked gently as he handed her a glass of red wine._

"_I am fine" she smiled as she placed her tiny hand on his chest but Chakotay saw her smile didn't meet her eyes. _

"_Just fine?" he asked as he watched her take her seat at the table._

"_Chakotay" she hissed through gritted teeth "please can we just eat dinner."_

_As the two sat and ate there dinner which Chakotay had replicated they stayed silent which was unusual for the two. Kathryn had reached the end of her nerve as she slammed her fork on the plate and snapped, "Is there a problem commander?"_

"_Kathryn?" he asked placing his own folk gently down on his plate._

"_Do I have something on my face?"_

"_No, why do you think that?" _

"_Because you have done nothing but stare at me the whole time we have been eating," she said in a weary husky voice._

"_I am worried about you." he told her truthfully._

"_How's Seven?" she asked as she stared at the wine sill filling her glass._

"_Seven?" asked Chakotay in confusion._

"_Yes Chakotay, Seven of Nine." She hissed at him._

"_Oh Kathryn please, not this again, do you really think I am in a relationship with Seven of Nine?" he asked trying hard to stay calm with his wife who he loved._

"_Truthfully I don't know what to think!" she grumbled at him._

"_Kathryn, it's been a week, last Thursday you were going on about this." A very exasperated Chakotay told her as he ran his hand through his hair watching his wife from across the dinner table._

"_I am not __**going on**_Chakotay_!" she shouted slamming her hand down on the table._

**Fifteen years later sat in Tom and B'Elanna's kitchen Kathryn had just recounted the above memory to Mike Ayala, Harry Kim, Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres.**

"But he was in a relationship with Seven?" asked B'Elanna.

"No, not then he wasn't" admitted Kathryn sadly. "I knew seven was attracted to Chakotay, an infatuation, a teenage crush in a way."

"And you were jealous?" asked Harry.

"Not jealous no," confirmed Kathryn "more paranoid, aware of my own short comings."

"You didn't trust him." Stated Tom.

"No that's just it, I did trust him." Replied Kathryn, "it was myself I didn't trust."

"He knew that." Mike told her calmly.

Watching her old crewmember closely she smiled, she hardly knew Mike Ayala but clearly he knew Chakotay. "He knew me so well, sometimes he knew me better than I knew myself."

"You know, Kathryn," said Tom drawing her attention back to him "it strikes me its Chakotay your need to be talking to here not us."

Kathryn studied her former Helmsman for a while and slowly shook her head "he made his choice."

"You know why he did that," insisted Mike as he watched her closely.

"That doesn't change it now." Kathryn told him shaking her head as the rest of the crew looked from one to the other in confusion.

"Talk to him." Pleaded Mike.

"I can't" insisted Kathryn.

"Why not?" asked Harry, it was almost a demand.

Looking round at each of her former crew Kathryn realised she didn't really have an answer to Harry's demand, all stared back at her as she rubbed her forehead with the palm of her hand "all right" she sighed "I will go and see him, considering it _was_ me he was so gallantly trying to rescue when he got shot but I am not sure Two of Six will like it."

"No I am not sure she will," Mike told her in a tone of voice that clearly showed he didn't care.

Watching him for a second Kathryn the let out a large intake of breath "fine" she said deeply as she placed her empty coffee mug on the table where she sat and rose from her chair "lets go and see Mr. Chakotay."


	17. To copulate

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 17**

**To ****copulate****.**

Kathryn walked slowly and silently down what felt to her to be a never-ending corridor in Starfleet Medical. B'Elanna, Tom, Mike and Harry walked slowly behind her; none of the group had said a word to each other. Kathryn's heart pounded fast as she drew to a stop in front on Miral and Naomi who were stood whispering to each other with their backs to her outside the room in which Kathryn knew Chakotay lay. Waiting a second to see if the two young woman would turn to her Kathryn stood with her arms folded but nether of the seemed to have realised she was there. Giving Kathryn a chance to hear the end of their conversation;

"Well I don't understand" Naomi was saying "Seven just changed when she married Chakotay."

"Would you want to be married to a man who was in love with another woman?" Miral whispered back.

"well no, but it never made any sense if Chakotay really did love the captain then why did he propose to Seven in the first place?" the half katarian twenty one year old asked her younger friend "Maybe the captain didn't love him back" she suggested to answer her own question.

"or maybe you two should mind your own business" B'Elanna interrupted her daughter and her friend coursing the two young woman to quickly spin around to come face to face with Kathryn.

At the sight of her former captain and realising she would have hear what she had just said Naomi Wildman shot a worried look at Miral who spluttered under her breath saying "Kathryn… I… that is to say _we _didn't see you there…"

"Evidently" Kathryn replied sternly before braking into a huge smile and laughing to herself. Turning to Naomi she looked the beautiful young woman up and down before saying "Crewman Wildman, how lovely to see you again."

Naomi visibly relaxed and smiled at the way her old captain addressed her, much as she had done on Voyager "it's lovely to see you captain"

"You too Naomi, and it's Kathryn now. Tell me though, how is Chakotay?"

"He's not changed much, asleep most of the time, delusional, rambling a lot, mainly about dying and, well and you" Naomi told her glancing at B'Elanna feeling unsure if she should have said the last bit or not.

Kathryn nodded her understanding at the half Katarian woman and turned to Tom who nodded at her urging her to enter the room. Taking a deep breath Kathryn stretched out her hand and opened the door of Chakotay's private room as she took a step to enter B'Elanna placed a kind hand on the older woman's shoulder and said gently "we will just wait here in case you need anything. Kathryn turned and smiled to her friend before stepping into the room and letting the doors shut behind her.

Kathryn was greeted by the sight of Chakotay lying on a bio bed in the centre of the room with the formidable Two of Six stood beside him. There were lots of medical machines to which Chakotay was connected showing various readings.

"Kathryn Janeway" Two of Six said stiffly as she saw who had entered the room.

"Two" said Kathryn coolly drawing her gaze from the still sleeping form of Chakotay to look into the eyes of his wife, "may I call you Two?"

"Inaccurate but acceptable" Two stated coldly as she scrutinized Kathryn's appearance.

"Look Tow, I really feel you and I have reunited on the wrong foot." Kathryn said trying to hand out an olive branch to her former crewmember.

"Wrong foot?" Two asked for clarification of her meaning.

"We seem not to be getting alone, arguing, I feel there is something between us, something hostile." Kathryn replied drawing all her courage to keep eye contact with the beautiful ex Borg.

"You are in love with my husband." Stated the forthright and unashamed Two of Six.

"Well-" spluttered Kathryn unsure how best to respond to that. "Two I am sorry" she decided to settle "for my actions three day's ago when I came to visit Chakotay at your home."

"When you kissed my husband." Two confirmed.

"Yes, well, I am sorry, that was wrong of me." Admitted Kathryn who was truly ashamed of herself for kissing the younger woman's husband. Even though it was Chakotay who initiated the kiss Kathryn felt shame for not pulling away.

"do you love him?" Two asked in a stiff and matter-of-fact tone.

"Well, Two, that really depends on your definition of love, there are many different kinds of love" Kathryn replied as she let her eyes wonder to Chakotay limp still body on the bio bed. Kathryn had decided not to lie or hide her feelings but did feel a certain amount of restraint and resolve was needed, she didn't really know what Chakotay wanted or why he had married Two in the first place, he may well love her and there was their three children also involved.

"there is some conjecture and rumour that yourself and my husband were once married, is this true?" Two proceeded to ask in her usual demanding tone.

"Well, yes, in the technical sense it is true." Kathryn agreed with a heavy sigh "There was a time when I loved him very deeply and I believe he also felt that way about me. please do understand that was many years ago now, I do not know what Chakotay feels now."

"he loves you." Two stated to the older woman truthfully.

"Well- err- Two" Kathryn mumbled unsure how to respond to Two of Six's direct statement.

"no need to be ashamed, Chakotay has always loved you and I have always known this."

"Is that why you have been so hostile towards me?"

"why would my husbands love for you cause me to be hostile towards you?"

"Jealousy" Kathryn sated, when Two of Six did not respond Kathryn tilted her head and studied the younger woman "Two do you love him?"

"love is irrelevant." Tow replied coolly.

"irrelevant?" exclaimed Kathryn "how is love irrelevant?"

"love is unnecessary and not logical."

"love is of ten far from logical true but it is also very necessary" Kathryn whispered as she took a step towards the man she loved looking at the deep lines of his inky black tattoo Kathryn asked with out looking from his sleeping face "why did you marry him, if not for love?"

"to copulate."

Kathryn coughed loudly and spun round to face the tall standing blonde ex-Borg "copulate?"

"Indeed" nodded Two of Six "how else do you expect us to reproduce?"

"Two, marriage is about far more than just producing offspring."

"I have always failed to see how or why, I have produced four children with Chakotay." Two of Six told her showing little emotion in her words.

"Yes I believe so." Whispered Kathryn as she turned back to Chakotay who was beginning to stir.

"I shall leave the two of you to become reacquainted." Stated Two and before Kathryn could say any more Two of Six left her stood alone in the room where Chakotay lay.

Rubbing her forehead with the palm of her hand Kathryn closed her eyes and grimaced at the information she had just been given.

"Two of Six?" Came the deep voice of Chakotay from behind her, spinning round she saw Chakotay lying on the bio bed as his eyes began to flutter open…..


	18. It's such a mess

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 18**

**It's such a mess.**

"Two of Six?" Chakotay repeated. Kathryn didn't know what to do she stayed rooted where she stood staring at the man now trying to force himself to sit up though clearly in pain.

Chakotay cried out in pain as he grabbed the side of the bio bed to try to support himself. Kathryn instinctively ran forward t try to support him. She rested her tiny hands on his shoulders and looked in horror at how unstable and weak he felt in her arms. "Don't faint on me Chakotay" she joked "that's my trick"

"Kathryn?" he gasped at the unmistakeable sound of her deep husky voice. "Are you Ok?" he gasped through the pain he was obviously feeling. "Kathryn? Is that really you?"

"Sushh" she whispered to him as she helped him rest in an upright sitting position against the headrest of the bed. Kneeling on the floor beside him she reached up and brushed the now slightly grey and longer hair from Chakotay's forehead, "It's me."

"How did you-" he began but she rested her hand on his chest the way she used to and it took his breath away as he let his jet-black eyes meet her deep blue ones.

"I am told you saved me, I don't remember much myself truth be told but the doc patched me up, good as new." She smiled radiantly. When he did not reply he merely stared at her he saw a deep pain and a deep unhealed sadness etched deep in his eyes and the lines of his sorrowful face, it took Kathryn slightly aback to see the older Chakotay so intensely and up close. As she stared into his eyes she wanted to reach out and clam him as hers but she knew she couldn't and so with a heavy heart she pulled her gaze from his. Looking at the floor she said "Your wife just left, I can call her back in here if you wish to see her?"

Chakotay's finical expression contorted at the mention of his wife. Slowly he closed his eyes saying in a deep pain filled voice "Kathryn, I am so sorry."

Tears began to form in her eyes as she knelt before his bed staring unblinkingly at the floor "As am I Chakotay." Taking another large intake of air she asked again "would you like me to get your wife to come in?"

"Please Kathryn" he replied trying to search her face as she knelt turned from him "could you stay a while?"

"Actually Chakotay" she began raising her tear stained face to looked once more into his eyes "I came here hoping to talk with you."

"You did?" Chakotay asked unsure if this was a good statement or a bad statement.

"Now I am here though I don't quite know what to say truth be told" she told him feeling awkward.

"There is so much to be said," he told her nodding, as he understood how she felt.

"And so little that has already been said." She agreed.

"How about I start with I missed you?" he whispered as he reached up to cup her wearied face in his hand.

Smiling slightly she told him "I missed you too."

"Fifteen years is a long time," he told her sadly. "What happened that day?" he begged "what happened the day you stood before us all and told the entire federation you were guilty of attempted murder and braking the prime directive and temporal prime directive?" for fifteen long years he had been desperate to know.

Kathryn muttered something he couldn't hear but he did manage to make out two distinct words "Plea Bargain."

"What?" he hissed at her "it's true, Tom and the others all thought that's what it must have been but I couldn't bring myself to admit it! They forced you to do it?"

"No I agreed to do it," she told him sternly.

"Oh come on Kathryn, I _know _how plea bargains work, I was Maquis remember! It's a fancy, humane, political and legal way of saying blackmail," he snapped angrily "what was the bargain for any way?"

"I know, I did what I thought was best at the time. I was never allowed to talk with you about it, I made a decision, I wanted you and the rest of the crew to have freedom, it was the only way." She told him as tears ran down her cheeks.

"Freedom?" he gasped in horror at her words "it was you or the crew?"

"Something like that." She admitted.

"Oh spirits Kathryn!" he growled not really hiding his anger.

"I'm sorry!" she replied pulling from him and standing up away from where he sat on the bio bed.

"Oh Kathryn!" he whispered "I am not angry with you, I could never be angry with you for that." Kathryn noticed that tears were now forming in Chakotay's eyes as he watched her.

"What a mess" she said in her cracked husky voice as she shook her head at him where he lay on the bio bed as she sank into the visitor's chair near by and buried her head in her hands.

"This wasn't the way we planned it." He agreed as he watched her sad broken body shiver as she cried into her hands.


	19. Talaxian Tomatoes

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 19**

**Talaxian Tomatoes**

Chakotay lay on his bio bed feeling helpless as he watched Kathryn sit on the chair crying into her hands. He was still drugged slightly and in a lot of pain and therefore was unable to and go to her. He really didn't know what to say, there was far too much to say he just didn't know where to start.

Luckily for the two of them the Doctor came bounding into the room to check Chakotay's medical readings.

"Kathryn" he beamed at the sight of his former captain sat there "so good to see you again"

"Yes you too" she replied with a forced smile. "As always I was the last to hear of your release."

"Please doctor don't take it personally-" she began in her defence.

"Oh no Kathryn I never do" the hologram replied "now then Mr. Chakotay it's good you are awake." He said turning to his patient "but next time you feel in the need to play the hero try to be a bit more restrained."

"Thank you Doctor, Mr. Chakotay's reading's if you please" Kathryn hissed at him wishing he would hurry up and go away so she could have some more time alone with the Native American warrior.

"Hum?" he asked her slightly confused to which she raised her eyebrows and nodded at the medical tricorder in his hand. "Ah yes" Voyagers former EMH replied with a start as he consulted the flashing and beeping device in his hand, "You are in perfect health, fully recovered, I wish to keep you over night for observation and wait for all the drugs to leave your system and all being well you will be given your discharge PADD in the morning."

"Thanks Doc" grumbled Chakotay as he rubbed his head.

"Don't mention it." The Doctor replied with a smug smile which faded quickly when he realised neither Kathryn nor Chakotay was returning his smile. "Right-" he said slightly bitterly "if you need nothing more from me I shall go." When the sober pair still did not reply to him he grunted loudly and left.

"Where do we go from here?" Chakotay asked looking at her closely once they were alone again once more. The Doctors entrance had given the two the breathing space they needed.

Slowly Kathryn turned to Chakotay and shook her head, "I don't know Chakotay" she told him truthfully "like you said fifteen years is a long time, I am not who I was, prison changed me and your married with a family."

"Let's just talk, let's not think of the end, let's not design and plan our future, that's what went wrong on Voyager."

"How do you mean?" she asked him as she stood staring at him, one part of her wanted to run and never come back and the other part of her wanted nothing more than to embrace him and never let go.

"We sacrificed each day we had, each tiny moment together for a future, a future of us back here on earth, free to declare our love, free to declare our marriage living happily ever after in each others arms." He told her with much regret.

Shaking her head she sank back into the chair telling him "it wasn't perfect."

"No" he agreed "but it was real and we were together."

"I never did say thank you to you." She said in a voice that showed a heavy burden.

"Oh?" Chakotay asked searching her face for a sign, of what he did not know, "why thank you?"

"I couldn't have done it with out you." She told him.

"You always sell yourself short" he said with his smiling dimples.

"And you always get me with those dimples of yours" she told him with a laugh.

When her laughter had died down the two stared longingly into each other's eyes in silence.

"Oh God Chakotay I just don't know what to say, where to begin?" she sighed heavily to break the silence when the desire in her was becoming too much.

"Kathryn let's not think about where to begin because that only leads us to think of an end result, like I said let's just talk let me tell you about the blossom on the tree's in my garden and how I tried desperately for many years to grow Talaxian Tomatoes there but they just would not grow."

Tilting her head and smiling she asked, "Did you try talking to them?"

"Talking to them?" he asked with a smile and a sideways glance of slight scepticism.

"Yes, I'll let you in on a little secret, I spent my days on New Earth telling all my hopes and secrets to those tomatoes, I am sure it worked a treat." He laughed through trying to give a serious tone.

"Spirits Kathryn you never cease to amaze me" he joked as he laughed causing her to burst out laughing.

Just then the door flung open and a little girl of around six years old with long jet-black hair and deep copper brown skin came bursting into the room closely followed by a tall slim teenager with equally Jet-black hair but a softer lighter skin tone with only a hit of a tan. By Kathryn's estimate the teenager was around fourteen years old.

Chakotay stopped laughing immediately as he saw the two girls ender the room. Kathryn stood immediately following Chakotay's stiffened gaze so that her eyes met with the dark blue eyes of the tall teenage girl stood before her. As the young woman turned her beautiful face from Kathryn to look upon Chakotay she said in a stiff voice "it is good to see you well once more father."

At her words Kathryn nearly coughed a loud, this _teenager _was Chakotay's daughter. For some reason up until then she had always assumed all of Chakotay's children were young, it had never even occurred to her that it might have only been a year before Seven was giving birth, come to think of it Kathryn wasn't even sure when exactly Seven of Nine and Chakotay actually married. Kathryn's horrified face looked from Chakotay to the young woman and back again. As her blue eyes locked with his Jet black eyes she could see Chakotay understood exactly what she was thinking as his eyes pleaded with her to understand and not freak out at this new bit of information. Slowly Kathryn lowered her gaze to the sis year old girl who was now looking up at her. There was no mistaking it, this too was Chakotay's child, her skin though darker than her fathers was distinctively native American and her eyes, her eyes with were staring up at Kathryn were almost identical to her fathers. For some reason it all became just that little bit real when coming face to face with two of Chakotay's four children.


	20. What do they want?

"Miral!" Kathryn could here B'Elanna's voice ringing out through the old Victorian house "Miral! Get down here NOW!" Kathryn had to smile, the half Klingon mother was strict but did love her fifteen-year-old daughter very much. Kathryn could then hear yells of protest and could only deduce that B'Elanna had managed to track down her daughter and was now insisting she were an evening gown of some sort, for Miral _any _kind of dress was a no but a formal evening gown was a matter simple flat out refusal.

Smiling to her self she turned to look at her own blue silk gown hung ready for her to put on, she had matching shoes and a beautiful little handbag to got with it. She had been debating which necklace to wear with it, to wear the beautiful silver diamond chain Owen Paris had sent her for the occasion or the beautiful necklace which Naomi and her fiancé who Kathryn learned was called Tillhack had bought her. There was also a third complication, the old marriage necklace Chakotay had given her on the day they made their marriage vows to each other twenty years ago, all reason in Kathryn told her it would be wrong to wear it, especially to that evening's occasion but something in her was drawing her to see it as an option.

Suddenly there was a knock on her door pulling her from her thoughts she went to open the door and was greeted by Tom in a tuxedo. "Kathryn, it's nearly time to go." She said slightly taken aback by her casual appearance.

"would it work if I said you will have to go without me?" she sighed.

Tom looked at his houseguest in a puzzled way and said slowly "this ball is in your honour."

"chakotay's idea of a joke." She sighed once more turning back to look at the gown.

"Kathryn?" Tom asked slightly confused.

"nothing, it doesn't matter." Kathryn muttered shaking her head, turning back to him she took in a deep breath and said "give me ten minutes and I'll be with you."

"you doing OK?" Tom asked feeling concerned for her, he had picked up that something wasn't quite right.

"yea." She nodded with a heavy voice and a smile that didn't reach her eyes. When Tom simply stared back at her she insisted "really. Ten minutes I'll be down there ready to go."

"is this too much?" Tom asked her moving into the room to lay a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"really Tom it's fine." She insisted waving him off but still Tom could tell she was bluffing her strength. Seven years on the bridge of a starship with this woman literally looking down the barrel of a gun with her gave Tom the advantage to know when she was copping well or not.

"Ok, well I'll see you in ten." He replied watching her closely and backing out of the room "call if you need anything."

"Will do" she replied waving him off. Then just before he closed the door to leave her alone she spun round and sincerely said to him "thanks Tom, really for everything."

"That's ok Kathryn" he replied with a warm smile as he shut the door knowing her sincerely was grateful.

"Kathryn!" Exclaimed Sam Wildman who was moving towards her wearing a beautiful green cocktail dress and was closely followed by a Katarian men wearing traditional Katarian formal wear.

"Sam!" Kathryn beamed at her old friend and said "hello!" as she took her into a tight hug.

"this is my husband Greskrendtregk" Sam said as they withdrew gesturing to the Katarian man behind her.

"Pleasure sir" beamed Kathryn as she nodded, the Katarian traditional greeting.

"Call me Gresk, everyone else does." He shy but kind hearted man said, Kathryn smiled remembering the once she had met him many years ago on deep space 9 although she wasn't sure he remembered that and thought it best not to mention it. "And you truly look stunning this evening." He continued to say to her as he displayed a broad grin.

"Thanks." A very shy Kathryn hastily replied and then decided to divert the conversation. "I understand you are both living on the Katarian home world?"

Gresk nodded and confirmed, "Yes, but the transport between to too is a wonderful service, just a matter of hours. We had a small villa in France for when we want to be on Earth."

"Besides Naomi wants to attend the academy." Sam said in a slightly apprehensive voice.

"Really?" Kathryn asked smiling broadly at the idea.

"Yes, some of the other Voyager crew have tried to make her change her mind from Starfleet." Gresk told her.

"Oh why is that?" Kathryn asked horrified at this news.

"I think mainly because of what they did to you." Sam said sorrowfully.

"And what do you feel?" Kathryn asked her.

Cautiously Sam took a breath and told her "we have always wanted Naomi to make her own choices, you know yourself she has always been a head strong girl."

"That she had Sam," Kathryn laughed thinking of the young Naomi who was so independent and head strong while on Voyager. Then nodding she agreed "I agree with you, Starfleet is not wrong, let us not all turn our backs on what we once held dear for one action."

With an obvious sign of relief Sam told her older friend "I worry because she will be a little older than some of the other cadets."

"Perhaps, but she was born and raised the first years of her life on a starship surrounded by and taught by a Starfleet crew." Kathryn assured her resting a hand on Sam's shoulder and giving her a gentle smile.

Sam opened her mouth to say something more but Tom's bellowing voice cut across the chattering crowd. "Ladies and Gentlemen if I could have your attention please"

Immediately the chattering stopped and everyone turned to look at him stood on a stage at the far end of the large banquet hall, "oh, leave it to Tom to pull everyone together." Kathryn whimpered as she tilted her head towards Sam who merely smiled at her.

Tom cleared his throat and began his speech, "As you all know Twenty Two years ago the crew of the Maauis ship the Val Jean lead by Captain Chakotay and the Starfleet ship Voyager lead by Captain Janeway were both pulled into the Delta Quadrant where they were stranded. When Chakotay sacrificed the Val Jean to save Voyager both crews were forced to live and serve together as one crew on board Voyager under the command of Captain Kathryn Janeway and her first officer Chakotay, and I can tell you it wasn't easy, not at first anyway." A comment that was replied with a murmur of laughter from the crowd.

"here here flyboy!" Came B'Elanna's voice from somewhere in the crowd that Kathryn couldn't see. The whole crowd erupted into laughter and even Kathryn laughed a good hearty laugh letting a lot of her anxiety and worry wash away.

"My Maquis wife ladies and gentlemen!" Tom joked gesturing into the crowd somewhere "but as you know heroically out beautiful captain sacrificed all and stopped at nothing to get us home. Just seven years into our seventy year journey she guided us into the Delta Quadrant." Some of the crowed cheered while other whistled and clapped while those closest to Kathryn patted her on the shoulder and smiled at her warmly. After the noise had died down Tom continued "but her sacrifice didn't end there, many of us stood in horror as Starfleet boarded Voyager and arrested our captain from her bridge. As you know the rest of us were held for four days while Starfleet decided what to do with us all." At his words there was a murmur and a sense of disgust could be heard through out the banquet "many of you are not fully aware of what transpired over those four days to grant us our sudden and indefinite release." At his words the whole room went silent, it was true many did not know the truth and something told them they were about to find out "Our very own Captain sacrificed her future, her life and her freedom to see that we had ours, she made a plea bargain and was on her own agreement incarcerated in order that every member of her crew may go free." At his words there was a gasp and whispering from all around the room, Tom held up his hand to quieter the crowd down "of course most of you are aware of that, what only a handful of you know is that two weeks ago, fifteen years later, the very beautiful Kathryn Janeway arrived unannounced in my front garden. Starfleet have finally freed Voyagers hero." To this there was an almighty cheer while others who were not aware of this news looked stunned around the room "she has been living as a very welcome guest at our home, of course the news showed the events that took place last week but quickly covered it up as a hoax, I can confirm those events did take place and she was mildly injured during that attack" taking a long pause for this news to sink in for everyone to understand Tom then rose his voice even louder and with a big smile shouted "please put your hands together and raise your glasses for Voyagers hero, Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway!" With that the entire room erupted into an almighty cheer. Heads turned in all directions trying to get a glimpse of Kathryn.

Kathryn her self stood rooted to the spot where she stood, this she had not expected she didn't know what to do, this much attention she was not used to. The sound of the cheering began to faze out and Kathryn thought he was about to faint when a steady hand came comforting on her shoulder and another resting on the small of her back "May I escort you to the stage." The deep rich male voice asked her with it's usual comforting steadiness.

"As all eyes are no on us it would appear I have no choice." She hissed through a forced smile as she allowed him to lead her through the parting crowd towards the stage.

"Oh Kathryn, just smile" she told her gently.

"This was your idea I believe." She hissed back at him not at all feeling impressed.

"A hero's welcome for a hero."

"I am nobody's hero." She spat still trying to keep that forced smile looking as real and natural as possible. His hand stayed on the small of her back but began to stroke her gently from behind in a way he had for five years stood just that little bit behind her on Voyagers bridge. Always a comforting supportive hand for her to feel but never to obtrusive that others would see.

"You are the hero of one hundred and fifty people as well as their entire friends and family. We are all indebted to you." He told her with a sense of pride in her voice.

"Talking of family how are yours?" she asked him as they reached the steps of the stage, the crowd still cheering and clapping loudly.

"Just smile and wave Kathryn"

When they stood in the centre of stage to entire crowd went quiet and every eye in the room was on her, nobody was saying a word. "What do they want Chakotay?" she hissed as she felt his comforting hand be removed from her back and his body heat begin to draw away from her.

"A speech my dear." He growled in her ear seductively as he quickly withdrew to the very back of the stage where Tom was now stood leaving her very alone in the centre with the spot light on her and a whole crowd of people staring at her.

"No!" she hissed spinning round to looking in horror at his grinning face "No!" she tried to shriek quietly "Chakotay! That wasn't in the agreement." But when he merely shrugged and ginned at her she hissed once more "chakotay!" but something told her he wasn't going to help her get out of this one.


	21. Did you know?

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 21**

**Did you know?**

"May I have this next dance?" A smiling Chakotay asked reaching out his hand as the musician began to play a slow moving dance.

"And why would I say yes?" a stern looking Kathryn Janeway asked him as she rested her hands on her hips and gave him her best 'Janeway death glare'.

Smiling he began to respond "because a handsome young gen-"

"Young?" she spat to interrupt him.

Laughing slightly he pulled back and said "ok a handsome not so young gentleman has asked you for a dance."

"Handsome or not you _left_ me!" she said with pretence of being annoyed.

"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked slightly taken aback thinking she was referring to him leaving her for Seven fifteen years ago.

Looking even more stern she drew her eyebrows together in and a cross voice told him "you dragged me up there in front of all those people and then you _left _me!"

"Well I knew you wouldn't agree to make a speech." He shrugged.

"So you tricked me?" she demanded coldly.

"Oh stop being so stubborn and come and dance Kathryn," he laughed.

"Well if the fact that your handsome is your only asset I think I will pass thanks." She said folding her arms and turning her whole body from him.

"Slighted in my prime." He exclaimed in mock offence.

"Prime?" she snorted turning back to him "and surely you would want to dance with that lovely wife of yours, she is looking beautiful tonight."

"As are you my dear" Chakotay insisted, ignoring her comment about Two of Six who was indeed looking radiantly beautiful in a tight fitting black dress.

"Chakotay?" she asked softly turning to him.

"What Kathryn?" he asked in a more relaxed tone realising she had become serious.

"Why do you always avoid talking of Two or your children?" Kathryn asked him almost feeling sorrowful as she looked at the pain that now flashed across his dark eyes.

"Just one dance Kathryn." He said calmly.

"See you just did it again!" she pressed on not letting him change the subject this time.

"Dance with me and I'll tell you whatever you want about my family." He said with a broad smile once more holding out his hand for her.

"Blackmail? You should know I am quite the expert at handling blackmail." She told him sternly narrowing her eyes at him.

"If I remember rightly you gave in to their demands." He reminded her softly with a slight air of pushing her.

"Yes well I do try to forget that small detail." She said with a laugh so that Chakotay knew she wasn't upset with the reminder.

"A dance then?" he asked smiling back.

"One dance!" she insisted as she took his hand and let him guide her to the dance floor that was full of couples dancing slowly arm in arm.

"You are an incredulous woman you know that don't you?" he asked her gently as he rested his hand on her tiny him and took her hand feeling her other hand rest of his shoulder, he drew her tight to his and she didn't pull away which made him smile.

"Do you know I used to be married to a man who would tell me that at least once a day." She whispered softly in his ear.

"Did you really." He asked with her growl in hers.

"Yes" she replied letting him feel her breath on his neck. The two felt so relaxed and so perfect dancing so closely and intimately together, both felt they could have been the only two in the universe and it wouldn't have mattered.

"He was a fool." Chakotay told her seriously in a deep heavy voice.

"Why was that?" She asked him feeling equally as heavy.

"For letting you go." It was all he said but it was enough, it was all he had to say.

"He only did what I told him, nobody could blame him for that."

"Do you blame him?" Chakotay asked her.

"No" she replied simply was she bushed her hand along the skin on the back ok his neck.

Chakotay looked down at her beautiful face that was now resting on his strong chest as they danced, he saw droplets of tears streaming down her cheeks from her beautiful blue eyes. "Do you blame yourself?" he asked as he tightened his hold on her.

"Maybe – a little." She whispered as she felt his hand comfort her.

She stiffened slightly feeling unsure she was finding herself feeling more relaxed and she knew she couldn't be, this was another woman's husband. Her body stiffened at that thought and she didn't what to do so she just cried gently into his chest. "Just relax Kathryn, it's a lot easier to dance when you are relaxed."

"I'm a lot older than I was those Thursday evenings we used to dance in my quarters." She told him looking up to meet his eyes with a watery smile.

"Well so am I.?" he told her kissing to top of her beautiful head gently "It still doesn't mean you can't relax."

"That seems another life time ago now." She said but did allow herself to relax into his arms in his gentle touch.

"In a way it was." He told her sadly as he felt his own eyes well up with tears.

"Perhaps" she shrugged.

Kissing her hair once more he tightened his grip on her so she couldn't pull away and asked softly "so why did you run away from me in Starfleet medical last week?"

"I didn't run away!" she growled looking up at him and trying to pull away just as he had predicted. "Kathryn Janeway does not run away!"

"No?" he asked refusing to loosen his grip so she could get away.

"No!" Kathryn told him with a foul look. When she realised she was looking the battle and he was not going to let her go she relaxed once more and told him "she leaves gracefully but quickly."

"I see," he said with the hint of a laugh.

"I wanted to give you time with your beautiful children."

"Is that the only reason?" he asked feeling there was more to it that that, no he _knew_ there was more to it than that.

"Well-" she began but let her voice trail off.

"Well?" he encouraged.

"Chakotay, your daughters are very beautiful, I just didn't expect your eldest to be-" again her voice trailed off.

"So old?" she finished for her.

"Well-" she began slowly.

"Trellah is fourteen," he told her as he watched her face contort slightly at his words.

"Exactly" she sighed heavily and then looked up at him with a sincere smile and said "Trellah is a nice name."

"Trellah is only what I call her, and not when her mother is round." He said in a bitter voice "Trellah literally translates as three"

"I am sorry Chakotay" she whispered and he felt her grip tighten on his hand and he knew it was her way of offering comfort for what she knew would be extremely painful for him.

"I won't lie to you Kathryn, she will be fifteen in seven months" Chakotay told her steadily was he watched her eyes turn from a wonderful shade of blue to a pain filled grey and he knew she had done the maths and understood. He loosened his grip on her expecting her to run away but she didn't she just silently danced with him as tear trickled down her cheeks. "Kathryn? Please say something."

Sighing heavily with pain and the sense of betrayal she asked "what do you want me to say Chakotay?" for she understood what he had meant, that Seven of nine was pregnant with their first child while they were still on Voyager stranded in the Delta Quadrant.

"Whatever you want to say," he told her gently and truthfully.

"Right now I have nothing to say." She said in a deep husky voice that Chakotay knew was full of pain.

As the two danced arm in arm he knew she was crying and she knew he was crying, there was so much pain between them but neither wanted to let the other go once more. "Sanwee, is my youngest daughter, she looks older than she is, and she is four." Chakotay told her to break the silence more than anything else.

"She has your eyes" Kathryn stated without even looking at his eyes.

Chakotay froze and looked down at this beautiful woman in awe, "she does" he whispered as tears flowed freely from hi cheeks, he had always thought Sanwee had his eyes but Tow of Six demanded he never said that and nobody had ever said it t him. It was a special moment to have Kathryn say it when she had only been with the child for less than a minute. "I am sorry Kathryn." He whispered feeling how special this woman was and how much he had wronged her and betrayed her.

"Don't Chakotay, not now just don't" she interrupted him placing her gentle hand on his chest and looking up to meet his eyes.

"I don't know what else I can say to you." He told her sadly as he looked in to her blue eyes so full of pain.

"Just tell me did you know?" she asked steadily with deep searching in her eyes "Did you know while we were still on Voyager that she was pregnant?"


	22. I am with child

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 22**

**I am with child.**

*****FLASHBACK*****

**Set in Season seven between Workforce part 2 and Human Error.**

"_Commander I must talk with you." Seven of Nine stated as she walked into Chakotay's office one very busy Thursday afternoon._

_Chakotay who had been avoiding Seven of Nine in the last four weeks was not at all happy with the interruption refused to look up from his computer terminal where he was working as he said "I am rather busy now Seven, can this wait?"_

"_After doing my research on human mating rituals" she stated simply with little emotion which caused Chakotay to freeze with terror at the mention of what he hoped would never be talked of again "I have found it is my duty to inform you I am with child."_

_His head shot up the look at the tall slim blonde woman who blue eyes were looking at him "is this some kind of joke Seven?" he asked feeling like he was going to be sick as the blood drained from his face._

"_No I have not __said or done this to evoke laughter or amusement.__ Yourself and I engaged in the act of copulation four weeks ago, as a direct result of that act I am with child." she told him simply and coldly with little emotion or understanding of the emotions he was now feeling. "You look as though you do not understand commander." she told him as she examined the pale contorted look on his face._

"_What?" he demanded stiffly as he felt as though he was going to be sick._

"_I suggest you ask the doctor to explain the human reproduction cycle to you for better understanding of what has happened." she sated simply which just infuriated Chakotay._

"_Seven I __**understand**__ what has happened." he hissed slowly standing to move towards her. _

"_Good." She said stiffly and turned to leave his office._

"_Seven where are you going?" he asked grabbing her arm and forcing her back to look at him._

"_To return to my duties in astrometrics," she replied._

"_You can't" he spat out without really thinking of what he was saying._

"_The doctor informs me I may continue to my duties for many months yet." she informed him which made his face drain of colour even more._

"_You have seen the Doctor?" he managed to stagger out still thinking he was going to be sick again._

"_Yes" was all she said in reply not really understanding that Chakotay could have a problem or why he would have a problem with the situation._

"_And did you tell him it was I who-"he began._

"_Of course" she nodded._

"_Spirits Seven." he exclaimed shaking his head at her "did you tell anybody else?"_

"_No, the Doctor suggests I keep this information to myself for the time being although he did suggest me I should tell you, which concurred with my research on what is proper in this situation."_

"_And the Doctor? Did __**he **__inform anybody else?" Chakotay asked his heart pounding and his fists clenched._

"_He informed me he is bound by doctor patient confidentiality although he informed me it is his duty to inform the captain and she may want to discuss this matter in due course."_

"_The Captain!" Yelled Chakotay, at that point Chakotay felt like he was going to be sick, this was too bad now. He knew he had to get the Doctor before the Doctor got to Kathryn. "Seven when did the Doctor tell you this?"_

"_0300 hours this morning." Without even waiting for anything else Chakotay left to office with a puzzled Seven of Nine asking "commander?"_

_Chakotay practically staggered down the corridor towards the turbo lift, his head was spinning, Seven of Nine was pregnant with __**his **__child! How could that be? He wondered. Well of course he knew how that could be in the biological sense and he knew so would Kathryn. He could keep nothing from her. "Chakotay!" no, not now my love he though, he beautiful wife really was the last person he wanted to see right then. _

"_Chaktotay wait up!" he deep husky voice yelled as she ran towards him in the empty corridor._

_Slowly he turned to look down into her beautiful face framed with her rich auburn hair "Captain!" he smiled at her but a smile that did not meet his eyes or show his dimples._

"_Chakotay I need that senior staffing report by 1700 hours." She told him. _

"_Yes captain," he said with dread in his eyes, she hadn't seemed harsh, and she hadn't called him commander as she often did when she was annoyed or hurt with him but she hadn't been too personal either. _

_And then it came and Chakotay knew there was no way the Doctor had seen her already, He tiny hand cupped his cheek and her other rested on his elbow "Chakotay what's wrong you look a little jumpy." She whispered as he saw concern and love in her eyes._

"_No fine, just-" he began stiffly but then changed the subject t clarify what he already thought "Kathryn have you seen the doctor this morning?"_

"_No, why should I have?" she asked watching him from the corner of her eye._

_Shaking his head and gulping hard he began "no it's just-"_

"_Chakotay you don't look well, you look very pale," she interrupted him " computer locate the EMH"_

"_**The EMH is online and in sickbay" **__came the computers monotone voice._

"_Did you try sickbay?" she asked with a slight smile as she squeezed his elbow but watching him with great concern._

"_I was on my way." was all he managed to mumble. _

"_Fine I'll come with you." she told him with a smile as she began to walk with him down the corridor._

"_Really captain that's not necessary." he tried to insist._

"_Stop you wining, it's no bother." she said pressing the door release to the turbo lift and stepping inside to which he had no choice to dutifully follow "deck five" she commanded and then turned to him as the doors swished shut and said "besides I want to"_

"_Really Kathryn I know how busy you are" he tired once more to insist._

"_Anyone would think you don't want me to come to sickbay with you." she joked but she couldn't be nearer to the truth "got something to hide mister?" she joked swatting his arm playfully._

"_No!" he shrieked just a little too loudly and suddenly that even Kathryn was taken a back._

"_Ok Chakotay it was a joke, you are a bit jumpy aren't you." she said narrowing her eyes at him trying to understand what the problem could be._

"_If only it was." he replied._

"_What?" she asked confused._

"_Nothing" she said shrugging her off._

_Before she could say anything else they where nearing the door of sickbay as they stepped inside the Doctor looked up and hurried towards Chakotay "Ahh Commander I have been expecting you –" but then stopped dead in his tracks and exclaimed "Captain!" as he realised Kathryn was with Chakotay._

"_Doctor, you were saying?" she asked looking from Chakotay's worried face to the Doctor._

"_Well what I think the doctor was saying is-" began Chakotay hurriedly._

"_I was expecting the commander but captain, I assure you I would have told you but I hadn't seen the commander yet and well-"The doctor began in his defence thinking Kathryn had come to tell him off for not informing her of Seven's pregnancy._

"_Tell me what doctor?" She asked confused as she watched her husband shake his head stiffly at the Doctor. "Chakotay?" she asked narrowing her eyes at him._

"_That-" began the doctor stiffly "err, that I asked to see Mr. Chakotay while he is on duty!" she hurriedly finished with._

"_Well he doesn't look very well so that's a good thing." She said still with her eyes narrowed as she looked from her husband to the Doctor as she felt something wasn't quite as they seemed to be saying._

"_Yes" the Doctor, said in a matter of fact tone "well if you don't mind captain, doctor patient confidentiality and all."_

"_Chakotay?" she asked looking for him to confirm it was OK that he was to stay there._

"_Don't worry yourself Kathryn, I just have a little headache and a slight nausea." he told her trying to sound reassuring "I'll see you later OK?"_

"_Right-" she said slowly looking once more at the doctor not quite believing what they were saying. As she slowly walked towards the door to leave she said "see you later" and Chakotay knew she didn't quite believe him._

_As the doors swished shut behind her he turned quickly to the doctor and told him "she doesn't know yet Doctor!"_

"_I gathered __**that**__" came the EMH's sarcastic reply and Chakotay could tell he wasn't too impressed._

"_That's the way it's going to stay." Chakotay insisted in his best command tone._

"_You do realise I am bound by regulation to inform her of Seven of Nine's condition" the Doctor retorted._

"_Not yet please" Gasped Chakotay almost begging._

_It was then the Doctor reminded him of what he really didn't wan to t think about "sooner or later, most likely sooner with Seven's physique she is going to start to show!"_

"_I know" he sighed rubbing his forehead of closing his eyes, he really didn't know what to do, this was such a mess._

"_What I don't understand is how you could be so careless Commander," the doctor told him in his usual smug manner._

"_Doctor?" a not so happy Chakotay asked through gritted teeth._

"_What you do in the throws of passion is your business but do you __**have **__to do it with the only female on board who has the social mind of a ten year old?" the Doctor demanded in a slightly jealous and yet protective father kind of way. _

"_Thanks doctor for that assessment." Growled Chakotay his anger and annoyance flaring. "Please tell me if my child is well"_

"_As well as can be expected, in this early stage usually it is hard to tell much in a pregnancy but with Seven's Borg implants we can have a clear understanding. However as I am sure you are aware the Borg do not reproduce. Although most of Seven's human DNA has reasserted making her not fully Borg she is not fully human either, in this case it is unclear how a pregnancy will go. To that end you are aware commander that __**you**__ have broken regulations in this matter." the doctor informed him._

"_How? You said yourself my personal life is none of your business." he spat back._

"_You are required to get both mine and the captains permission to engage in sexual relations with another species, even when they are members of this crew. As I have said Seven is not fully human."_

"_Nor is she fully Borg doctor." Chakotay reminded the EMH to which the Doctor had a reply;_

"_Lieutenant Torres in not fully Klingon, even our rouge helmsman and his Maquis wife could follow the protocol in this matter."_

"_I can see it now" Chakotay said sarcastically "Morning Kathryn may I have your permission to have sex with your surrogate daughter, thanks, see you Thursday night."_

"_Well, commander __**that**__ is not my business, I believe the captain does quite well with a hologram. And if Thursday nights are your problem need I remind you today is Thursday and our concerned Captain in none the wiser and still expecting to see you tonight." The doctor reminded him nodding at the door out of which the captain had departed which only angered Chakotay further._

"_Thanks for the reminder Doctor, just hold off telling her for now." Chakotay replied as he moved towards the door._

"_I will see what I can do, need I remind you time is against us, Seven __**will **__start to show and at that point the captain __**will **__demand to know who the father is."_

***** End of Flashback *****

Chakotay stood still in the crowded banquet hall holding the most beautiful woman in his hands and looking down into her rich deep blue eyes, her husky voice had invaded his mind as she had asked the most painful and most difficult question and Chakotay knew now was the time to give her the truth, no more lies and no more deception no matter what the result was. Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes as tears fell down his face he said clearly and slowly what he knew would bring pain to her ears "Yes Kathryn" he then opened his eyes to see the pain as she looked at him, "I knew while we were still on Voyager that Seven was pregnant, and yes I knew I was the father."

It was then that he expected her to turn and leave him but instead she sighed a heavy sigh, closed her eyes as one lone tear trickled down her cheek and rested her face on his chest and continued to dance with him.


	23. To spite me?

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 23**

**To spit me?**

"Oh Kathryn that's wonderful!" Tom exclaimed with joy as he leaped up from his chair to embrace his friend.

"Thanks" she laughed as she returned his hug.

As Kathryn sat down into one of the chairs in the sitting room where Tom and B'Elanna where sat B'Elanna asked, "when do you move in?"

"This afternoon." Kathryn replied to which her two friends exchanged worried glances "I know it's quick but I have been here over a month now, it's been three weeks since the banquet, it's time I settled down, it's time I had a life that is my own."

"Kathryn, we will miss you but we are so happy for you." Tom replied with a huge smile.

"It's only a small house in Bloomington where I grew up" Kathryn told them as she thought back to all her childhood memories and how much she missed her mother and Phoebe who she had only managed to have one deep space communication since she had returned, she may as well have stayed on Voyager for all it did to her relationship with her family.

"We are going to help you move." The half klingon stated as she stood looking ready for action.

Kathryn stood with her insisting "really B'Elanna that's not necessary."

"Kathryn, I want to arguing from you." B'Elanna said in a very good command tone "besides Chakotay will kill me if I let you go off into the big wide world all on your own."

"Chakotay?" Kathryn gasped, she hadn't really thought of him all day "Oh you wont tell him where I moved to will you?" she begged.

"He would want to know Kathryn, he cares about you a great deal." Tom said gently stepping forward to rest his hand on her shoulder.

"This is beautiful, Kathryn it's so nice, and I like it!"

"Thanks Tom" Kathryn laughed as she placed a holo-image of herself and Chakotay in a happier time onto the window ledge of the sitting room.

"You and three really did go shopping didn't you" Tom exclaimed as he looked around the room fully decorated with furniture and colourful ornaments, holo-images and paintings.

"You missed out" laughed Miral as she lifted a large sand painting filled with patterns and different images and hung it on the wall next to a lovely dining table.

"Did you buy that?" Tom asked admiring it.

"No" admitted Kathryn "Chakotay did that for me many years ago."

Tom looked around the room and smiled, most of the decorations in this room were Native American in style, several holo-images showed Kathryn and Chakotay together, the whole room reminded him of Chakotay "so when is the big man coming over?" he asked.

Kathryn shrugged and muttered something he didn't quite hear.

Tom smiled and glanced at his wife, "well Kathryn Janeway this looks lovely, why don't we leave you here in peace to enjoy the rest of your day and your first night and we will comm you tomorrow to see how your doing?"

When The Torres-Paris's left Kathryn felt a strange sense on emptiness and deep loneliness. She sank into her chair and wept, while on Voyagers she was surrounded at all times by people and had craved just a tiny moment of loneliness. In Prison the guards had watched her every move for fifteen years and at the Torres-Paris home there was always someone around and something going on, now she was just alone.

Wondering around making about five mugs of coffee and changing the way the furniture looked in her conservatory Kathryn wondered what else she could do that day to stop herself getting board when she heard her door bell chime.

It made Kathryn stand bolt upright and freeze where she stood, who was ringing the doorbell? Slowly she edged towards her front door when it rung again. Taking a deep breath she slowly opened the door and peered round the crack to see who was there, she found herself face to face with the one man she didn't know what to say to.

"Hi Kathryn" his beaming smile greeted her with his dimples flashing.

"Chakotay!" She exclaimed opening the door to it's full width with a sudden sense of peace and safety wash over her.

"I brought you these, a moving in gift." And with those words he handed her the most beautiful bunch of purple flowers and a delicate box of chocolate.

"Thanks" she smiled radiantly and she took the flowers and sniffed their sent. "Care to come in?" she asked him stepping aside allowing him to pass her through the door.

Kathryn followed her ex-husband into her new home and busied herself getting a vase for her new flowers as he looked around the sitting room. As he realised everything was Native American in design and very distinctly had his mark on the room he slowly turned to watch her as she began to fiddle with the replicator keeping her back to him. This made him smile, she always used to do that when they were together on Voyager and she didn't want to talk about what she knew he was going to say. "Do you need any help there?" he asked gently choosing to ignore the topic of the room's decoration, for now at least.

Standing up and spinning round to meet his eyes in slight shock that he didn't say that she had assumed he would she shook her head and hurriedly said "no, that's quite all right I was just- well I just wanted to- I needed-" but she seemed unable to find an explanation as to why she had busied herself with a job that didn't need doing and she knew Chakotay was fully aware of what she was doing.

"Relax Kathryn," he said stepping towards her and taking her hand "I love it."

"You do?" she exclaimed in shock, she had assumed Chakotay would not like her little house or the way she had decorated it and so she had not wanted to tell him she had moved.

"You were ashamed to tell me you had moved weren't you?" he asked her gently as he looked deep into her eyes.

Sighing heavily she looked at the floor and replied "fifteen years is a very long time Chakotay, I didn't have the start off you and Tom and the others had, I didn't have the means for a big house with proper old furniture. I liked it at Tom's but I needed my own place so I went looking after the banquet. I found this place, it was the right size not too big, not too small."

"It's beautiful," he told her resting his hand on her chin and tilting her head to make her look at him. "You are beautiful and deserve a beautiful house, which this is. I am only sorry I wasn't here to help you move in."

"Or move in with me" she whispered sadly.

As soon as she said those words he whipped his hand from her face and turned his back to her "or move in with you" he agreed firmly "we haven't talked since our dance together" he pointed out still with his back to her.

"What more is there to say?" she asked sadly searching the back of his head, for what she did not know, she just needed to know it wasn't the end for them.

Turning to look at her he let his eyes linger on hers for a second before saying "there is so much more to say my dear Kathryn, there is so much left between us, so much pain and betrayal but also such deep desire and longing, we are meant to be as one Kathryn, you are my soul mate, my woman warrior, you tamed my angry heart remember, you helped me find peace."

"You are married at another woman." She told him with great sadness as she let her deep blue eyes cry out to his jet-black ones. "What we once had is now lost."

"No!" he cried as he took both her delicate hands in his "it can never be lost, we love each other, I know our love is strong enough to beat this"

"I am tired Chakotay, I am old, I am lonely." She told him sadly "you have it all, a big house, a beautiful wife and four marvellous children, what more do you want?" she asked as she shook her head at him.

"You" came his deep simple reply.

"You had me Chakotay, You had everything I could give you at the time and you betrayed me, you took what you have now and left me, you chose this life I didn't" she told him as tears trickled down her face.

"I was hurt and angry and I wanted to hurt you." Told said as his eyes flicked away from hers.

"Hurt me?" she gasped, "You slept with Seven to hurt me?" When Chakotay did not or could not reply she continued to stare wide eyed at him her voice rising "I don't understand, Chakotay I thought you slept with Seven because you needed her warmth, her touch, her passion, something I couldn't give. I never thought you did it to spite me."

"I am so sorry." Was all he said.

"So what? You were going to tell me as some grand spiteful game that you had impregnated another woman, your sick Chakotay!" She shrieked at him.

"No! Oh spirits Kathryn no!" he replied hurriedly "it wasn't like that, I thought I was loosing you. Since you made that damn pact with the Borg, the one that saw Seven on board Voyager I felt as though I was loosing you slowly but surely."

"We had our disagreements, professional ones! But never personal." She told him, as her wide eyes would not move from his face.

"I could never be like you, I could never distinguish professional and personal in such clinical way, I loved you and I acted on that instinct every time I thought of you." He told her sadly.

"And the think I didn't?" she asked in horror.

"It was after Jaffen" he stated steadily.

"Jaffen?" Kathryn asked confused. Then as understanding dawned on her she sunk slowly into one of her armchairs and shook her head at him "Oh God Chakotay, you were jealous of the boyfriend I had on a planet where my memories were altered and I didn't know who I was?"

"Yes" he nodded "it hurt to see you so open and close with him when you never allowed us to be so open together, not even on Thursdays."

"On Thursday's I was always open with you, I gave you my all!" she yelled in angry defence.

"You did, and I treasure every second of what you gave me but always it was in private, never in public like when you were with Jaffen."

"Chakotay, I was made to be with Jaffen! Hell I wasn't even me, my mind had been altered. You rescued me remember! You saved me and brought me back to you! I dumped Jaffen as soon as I remembered who I was, you were my only man." She told him as tears streamed down her face "but you were so jealous you slept with Seven to spite me?"

Nodding Chakotay told her "the angry warrior returned."

"Did you mean to impregnate her?" Kathryn asked steadily.

"Of course not!" he replied, she was innocent and naive, I took advantage. You could say she was entering her teenage years and had a slight crush on me.

"Oh God Chakotay! You're more than twice her age! You were her commanding officer. I thought you had grown in love and affection for each other, what your saying is you used her teenage crush on you to take advantage and hurt me in the process?" he wide eyes flashed with anger and Chakotay knew he was now facing the protective mother and not the betrayed wife.

"She didn't understand, she asked me at the end if it was customary for subordinates to cry the name of their commanding officer while engaging in intercourse with others.

Kathryn simply spluttered at his words and shook her head; this was too much, more than she had bargained for when letting him into her new home.


	24. Who betrayed whom?

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Who betrayed whom?**

The long drawn out silence as the two sat refusing to make eye contact was beginning to become unbearable for Chakotay. He didn't know what else to say to Kathryn and it seemed she had little to say to his last sentence. Slowly he stood and walked passed where she sat with her head down. Hovering near the replicator he asked softly and steadily, "Can I get you some coffee?"

"What?" she asked as she slowly lifted her tear stained face to look up at him.

"I just wondered if you wanted a drink." He said gently not breaking eye contact with her but gesturing towards the replicator.

"Oh Chakotay it's a mess!" she sighed again not answering his question and looking from him as tears once more threatened to fall.

"You keep telling me that." He said stiffly feeling unsure what else to say.

"Well it is, look at us!" she exclaimed as she leapt from her seat to stand before him "we're madly in love with each other and yet so very torn apart and separated."

His wide eyes searched for hers and he took her hand in his, "You love me?"

Slowly she looked up and her deep blue eyes full of desire met with his eyes as she silently cried out for his "of course I do!" she whispered "You know tha-" but before she could say any more her mouth was silenced by him as his tongue invaded his mouth, pulling back and fighting the desire she felt within her. "No, Chakotay!" she managed to get out between groans as Chakotay gently planted tiny kisses on her neck.

Moving up to gently bite her ear in his teeth he growled as his hands roamed her back and her felt her hands spreading through his own hair, "you don't seem like you really want me to stop." He growled seductively in her ear.

"Chakotay!" she muttered again as one of his large hands managed to find their way to rest between her thighs.

"Don't fight it Kathryn just go with it." She groaned as he took her lips in his once more. It was then that Kathryn forced herself to pull away even though her body deeply desired what he was giving her. "Kathryn?" he asked watching her turn her back to him.

"Your married! That means something to me!" she explained. Then slowly she turned once more to look at him and she sadly told him "even if it doesn't to you."

"Kathryn, we love each other, we were made for each other." He insisted taking her hands in his and trying to draw her back to him.

"No Chakotay, no please just tell me the truth." She told him trying once more to pull away but his grasp was too tight.

"What?" he asked taking her chin in one of his hands and guiding her to look at him.

"Was it just because of Jaffen that you slept with Seven?" As soon as she said the words he knew what she was getting at but he couldn't face what her sad tearful eyes wanted to know.

"What do you mean?" he sighed stoking her knuckles with his thumb and cupping her face in his hand.

Pulling away from him she could feel her tears threaten to fall as she said almost painfully "she's a beautiful woman, a woman with breasts I will never have."

Chakotay watched her and knew her heart was full of pain. He saw a beautiful woman, he always had, and she didn't understand what had pained him. "I didn't mean to make you feel worthless," he whispered as he watched her tiny form pace her sitting room before him.

"But you did." she said sadly as she lifted a holo-image of the two of them laughing together.

Moving towards her and taking the holo-image from her hand to look at it better he smile at the memory before saying "I am so sorry my love, you are so beautiful, you always have been." Slowly he lifted his gaze from the smiling image of a younger Kathryn to the older Kathryn that stood before him watching him closely.

"I am old, your wife is young." She stated sadly as she took the holo-image frame from his hands and placed it back where it belonged.

"You are Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway and she is so very beautiful, no matter what age she is." He told her with true conviction and integrity.

He eyes met with his and she saw there the truth of his words, she saw the love and desire in his eyes. She needed and loved him as much as he did her, closing the gap between them she raised herself on tip-toes on planted a tiny delicate kiss on his lips as his eyes closed with desire for her closeness and gentle touch. As he began to pull away to look into her blue eyes she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him with a much deeper kiss full of so much love.

"I am sorry Kathryn, I should never have-" he whispered in to her mouth but she cut him off as her eyes closed with passion.

"Sushh Chakotay, it's ok." She whispered.

The two parted and he looked down into her blue eyes with love as he brushed a stray bit of silvery hair from her eyes, "when you were Jaffen it broke my heart, it shattered part of me to see you smile, I had never seen you smile that way, you were free from guilt, unburdened, you were at peace." He told her steadily, "I had found my peace, my woman warrior helped me find it, and I suppose I wondered how much she had sacrificed to help me find that peace." As he watched her eyes fill with tears he explained "I debated leaving you there," with those words her eyes turned a darkened shade of grey and she took a step backwards. Taking another step forward he explained "I thought of leaving you there so content and happy, something I had never seemed to make you feel."

"So you slept with Seven?" she asked bluntly as she tilted her head to look up into his eyes with a set jaw line and darkened eyes.

"Yes, I was hurt," he nodded "but with myself not you. I had never been able to give you what you needed, what you deserved. I could never make you smile that way, I thought the lest of all I could do was to leave you there, then I would have left you happy with that smile on your face." It was then that Kathryn understood and her eyes searched for him as she shook her head. "But I couldn't do it, I was too selfish." He told her with a hint of pain in his voice.

"Selfish? I don't understand."

Watching her he told her "I couldn't go on without you, I couldn't bear to leave you behind, the angry warrior _needed_ you."

Nodding she agreed she understood "so you rescued me."

"Yes, and in doing so took you from your happiness." He told her sadly.

"When did you sleep with Seven? While I was still with Jaffen or after you rescued me?" she asked trying to think through how Chakotay was thinking at the time.

"After I rescued you, I was angry and guilty." He told her simply.

"Oh Chakotay," she sighed as tears threatened to fall, "you saved me, you made me happy." She was insisting, begging him to understand how she felt at the time, "I was back with you, back where I belonged!"

"But you were so happy with him." He told her.

"That wasn't me Chakotay." She whispered shaking her head and taking his hands in hers "the me that I was needed you, wanted you and was so happy to be rescued by you, you were my knight in shinning armour."

Slowly Chakotay closed his eyes as he began to take in what he was saying, what he had carried guilt about for over fifteen years was noting for him to feel guilty about, but in fact what that guilt lead him to do is what he should be guilty about. "Did you know Kathryn? Did you know I was with Seven."

"Yes I knew, I told you I knew, you denied it." She told him simply and steadily without anger in her voice.

"I was scared you would find out she was pregnant."

"I was going to find out sooner or later Chakotay." He reminded him as she tried to keep her anger down "I knew since Seven's hologram experiment that you and she were dating."

"Hologram experiment?" she asked her confused shaking his head and drawing his brow together to show his confusion.

"Yes, well I did know and I wondered what made Seven suddenly want to explore her humanity, or course I wondered why you." She told him assuming he would know what she was referring to, and then adding on then end, "No insult intended."

"None taken," he said as he narrowed his eyes and waited for more clarification. When none came he asked "Kathryn I really don't know what you are talking about."

Looking at him as though he had two heads she said calmly "Seven's holographic experiment. It wasn't hard to understand after that, you and Seven were dating, and she was using the holographic version of you to rehearse."

"A HOLOGRAPHIC VERSION OF ME?" he exploded and his anger and confusion were evident. Kathryn was taken aback by his rage as her wide eyes shot to look at his, "Kathryn? Care to explain?" he growled at her through gritted teeth.

"Well- I- Seven, she-" began Kathryn unsure what to say next.

"Had a holographic version of me and you _knew" _Chakotay completed the sentence for her with his anger flaring.

"Chakotay it wasn't like that. I thought you knew!" Kathryn insisted in her own defence.

"Of course you told her to stop and disciplined her accordingly?" he asked as he watched her back away from him and taking deep breaths to try to calm himself.

"Not exactly" she muttered.

"Not exactly? What exactly _did_ you do?" he snapped as he moved closer to her and stared angrily into her eyes.

"Well of course I realised how young and naive she was-" Kathryn began in her own defence.

Snapping at her Chakotay asked, "you encouraged her didn't you?"

Feeling slightly uncomfortable with Chakotay's sudden rage Kathryn tried her best to explain "well Chakotay she-"

"Spirits Kathryn!" he yelled across her.

"She came to me!" Kathryn tried in her defence.

"I don't believe this! She came to you to tell you about some hologram version of me and you _encouraged_ her!" he spat as he began to pace Kathryn's new sitting room in anger. All she could do was stand in horror and watch.

"She only had the idea because you slept with her!" She reminded him in her own shock and anger.

"Did she tell you that?" she roared as he rounded on her.

"No but why else did she suddenly become interested in her humanity and why were you're the sudden subject of her interest?" Kathryn asked trying to stay calm to defuse the situation.

"I can't stand to look at you right now Kathryn." He hissed at her as he turned to make for her front door.

"What?" she shrieked in shock, she had not expected that.

"You betrayed me!" she yelled as he pulled open her front door.

"You are the one who slept with another woman while we were married and I am the you who betrayed you? Care to explain how that works?" a very hurt and angry Kathryn shouted after him as he exited her new home.

Spinning on her as he stood in her path she snapped, "I loved you, I never allowed a great dishonour of you and all that you stand for to continue, and Seven violated me!"

"Chakotay! It wasn't like that!" Kathryn yelled after him but he was too busy storming out of her front gate and away down the street leaving her alone to watch him go.


	25. Can we start again?

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 25**

**Can we start again?**

Kathryn Janeway sat alone in one of the secluded sections of Sandrine's bar in France. It was only 1pm French time and Kathryn hadn't felt the need to give in to the call for alcohol and so she was staring at the coffee mug in front of her. She was deep in thought with a slightly conflicted look in her eyes; she had felt this way for the last six months. For Kathryn Janeway nothing had felt right over those six months and she was getting even more agitated as time when on. She was so agitated and lost in thought that she hadn't seen the tall dark man who had come and sat at a table nearby and had been watching her silently for the last five minutes. With his own conflicted look on his face he slowly stood and walked in front of her silently but just enough to block the light from the window over where she sat. She barely tilted her head upwards before she closed her eyes slowly and simply she said, "You're blocking my light."

He smile at her with his dimples showing, she always had a way of making him happy even when she was annoyed with him, "is this seat taken?" he asked her calmly gesturing to the seat across the table from her.

"Not the last time I checked." She replied warmly but without looking at him.

"It's been a while," he told her as he sat down and looked deep into her eyes.

"A few months." She stated calmly as she raised her mug to take a sip and allowed her blue eyes to flash up to meet his jet black ones. She saw then the pain that had been etched across his face in the last six months since she had seen him. His hair looked greyer, it was no longer black with a sprinkle of distinguished grey it was grey clinging on to the last bits of black. His tattoo above his left eye looked darker and stood out far more than Kathryn had ever remembered it being. As she watched him over her coffee mug she allowed her eyes to lock with his and her heart fluttered, she loved this man, she had since the first moment he appeared on her view screen all those years ago in his full angry Maquis glory.

"I missed you." He whispered as he watched her slowly lower her coffee mug to the table and look away from him.

"You walked away from me." she reminded him coolly. "When you stopped answering my comm call's I gave up after a while." She wasn't annoyed, she was more sad than annoyed.

With a heavy and pained sigh he nodded and agreed, "I know, I didn't know what to say."

"So you ignored me?" she hissed.

"I was confused." He told her in such a heavy sad voice that Kathryn looked up at him and couldn't stay angry, she loved this man and he loved her no matter what had gone on between them she knew there was heavy blame on both sides.

"Coffee?" Kathryn asked as she stood to move towards the bar to buy him one.

"Tea?" he asked in reply that made Kathryn snort as she went to the bar to get him a tea.

As she returned with the tea she placed it in front of him and laughed saying "some things never change then?"

"Apparently not." he smiled nodding at her mug of black coffee.

As she sat down she smiled widely at him and said "never"

After a while of the two sitting silently in the company of the other Chakotay watched her as he said "your looking good."

"So are you." She smiled back at him; she was looking into every part of his face. She really had missed him; for too long she had needed him she knew she couldn't live with out him.

Taking a deep breath he began what they both knew needed talking about "Kathryn, what I said to you last time we met-"

"Is what you felt at the time." She cut him off.

"Yes but I was wrong." He admitted looking lovingly into her eyes. All he wanted to do was reach out and grab her so he could kiss her.

"Oh?" she asked tilting her head and watching him closely. At that moment as their eyes locked across the table they felt like they were the only people in the world and the two knew they loved each other and were ready to leave the pain behind to make it work between them.

"I was shocked and taken aback, I should never had said to you what I did, I am sorry." He told her as he watched her closely.

She nodded telling him "Seven came to me looking for advise in mating behaviour, I couldn't turn her away."

"And you knew it was me she was talking about?" he asked her feeling sorry for her.

"No not at first." She admitted.

Sighing heavily he hung his head and told her "what I did was wrong."

She watched the man she loved closely for a second and then slowly and tentatively reached out and took his hand in hers across the table and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Why didn't you come to me and talk to me? We could have worked it out."

Lifting his head he looked lovingly into her eyes and whispered, "I was afraid of breaking you."

"I am made of tougher stuff." She told him calmly.

"I know." he agreed with pride for her.

"You weren't the only one." She said pulling her hand away from his and turning her body from him as she hung her head.

"Kathryn?" she asked concerned by the sudden change in her behaviour "I wasn't the only one what?"

"To cheat." She whispered as tears trickled their way down her face.

"Kathryn I know about Michael, I understand." He tried to reassure her.

"No not Michael." She cried shaking her head at him with her watery wide eyes searching him "Not Jaffen or even Kashyk." She contorted her face and looked into his waiting eyes and she gave him the truth "a member of the crew."

"The crew?" he gasped as he looked at her with a conflicting look of horror in his own eyes.

"I am sorry." She whispered trying to find a look of love in his eyes.

"But you said the only reason we couldn't be together was that I was your subordinate." He said stiffly.

"Forgive me Chakotay?" she begged as she broke down in tears.

"I wont even ask who or why or even when" he sighed as he stood to move towards her to embrace her crying body in his arms. When her sobs subsided and she was able to look up at him he smiled down at her sowing her his beautiful dimples and he said lovingly "we really did go wrong didn't we."

"Five years is a long time to live a marriage the way we tried to." She told him heavily as she reached up to cup his face in her hands.

Taking her hand from his face he said, "come here." And guided her to stand before him "I love you Kathryn." He told her gently as he looked deep into her eyes.

He wiped away the tears from her face with his thumb as she told him "I love you too Chakotay."

"Is there a chance we could start again?" he asked kissing her forehead.

"What about your wife?" she whispered as he drew from her and she raised her eyes to lovingly gaze in his, the two were so deeply in love as they always had been neither wanted to pull away.

"It's over between us." She told her gently as he took her hands in his and stroked her knuckles with his thumb.

"I think she loved you." Kathryn told him gently as she moved in to plant a tiny kiss on his lips.

"I cared for her, I wanted to love her." He admitted softly.

Kathryn watched him for a second and then asked, "How is she?"

"Oh Kathryn, your always thinking of everyone else." He said with pride as he reached up the brush the stray hairs from her face.

"I care a great deal about her too, she was like a daughter to me." she insisted as she placed her hand on his broad chest.

"She understood" he nodded softly "She knew couldn't live with a compromise. I think she knew deep down that was all she was, when you came out-"

"She knew it was only a matter of time?" Kathryn finished sadly for him as she rested her face on his chest and wrapped her arms around him.

"She wished me all the best in my future with you." He told her as he returned her embrace and held her tight to him "She like me has always known you will always be the one for me."

"I wish it was that easy Chakotay." Kathryn sighed though she made no effort to brake from the embrace they now held each other in.

"Will you at least give it a chance? Dates like we were young again, getting to know each other for the first time." He asked her as he stoked her hair.

"Dates?" she laughed into his chest as she clung onto his shit.

"Like a proper couple." He told her as he kissed the top of her grey head lovingly "like we never had."

"Oh Chakotay you never stop surprising me." she laughed. Pulling from him and looking into his eyes she shrugged with a big smile "dates? Sounds fun."

"Somehow together we can work through this, we love each other." He told her as he closed the gap between them and took her lips for his own as she parted them allowing his tongue to invade her mouth.


	26. Date one, not quite as planned

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 26**

**Date one, not quite as planned.**

"It's just a meal Kathryn." B'Elanna insisted as she followed Kathryn into yet another clothes store. The two had been shopping for hours and B'Elanna was feeling quite fed up and they still hadn't managed to find what they wanted.

"It's not just any meal B'Elanna! It's with him!" Kathryn reminded her a she went straight for the evening wear and started to run her fingers through the material of the dresses.

"Kathryn you have known him for twenty two years. You were married to him for five!"

"Knowing is different to _knowing!"_ Kathryn pointed out with a slight glance over her shoulder before shrugging and adding_ "_and besides I didn't see him for fifteen years of those twenty two!"

"You two need your heads banging together." Growled the half Klingon as she shook her head at her old commanding officer.

"So?" Kathryn asked almost impatiently.

"So what?" B'Elanna asked confused with the sudden change in subject. 

Kathryn looked around the shop at all the dresses hung up on the rails and spread her arms out wide saying "so are you going to help me find a dress or not?"

"The things I do for you. You make me feel like we are seventeen again." B'Elanna laughed and then began sifting through the rails looking for the perfect dress for her friend to wear on her dinner date that evening.

"Chakotay does that to me." Kathryn admitted. She knew they could have just used the replicator for the perfect dress to wear but she didn't know _what _that dress was and she felt there was something in going to shop and have the fun of looking.

"You have always caught his eye." B'Elanna added into the conversation.

Kathryn quickly changed the subject by pulling the nearest dress off the rail and holding it against herself saying "Well?"

B'Elanna turned to see the dress her friend was holding against her "No, just no!" she insisted pulling the large sack like purple garment form her friends hands and shoving it back onto the rail where she clearly thought it belonged.

"Why not?" Asked Kathryn with a laugh, of course she was not at all considering the offensive purple garment that looked and felt like she had wrapped herself in a Starfleet issue survivor's tent.

"Kathryn" sighed B'Elanna feeling like she wanted to give up "when was the last time you dressed up for a date?" When Kathryn merely scowled at her and raised her eyebrows B'Elanna rolled her eyes and retorted, "Ok bed question." Turning back to look at the dresses she told her "you want something that will be dressy, something elegant that shows your beauty and compliments your age."

"Are you saying I am old?" Kathryn asked with mock offence.

"None of us are young Kathryn, least of all Chakotay." B'Elanna reminded her truthfully.

"Two of Six is." Kathryn sighed under her breath a she too went to look at the dresses on the rail.

"Yes well she never seems to age, and anyway she's going to have to change that designation of hers." B'Elanna pointed out matter-of-factly. "Good riddance I say!" she added slyly.

"B'Elanna! She loved him, that's not fair!" Kathryn said the younger woman's defence.

Rolling her eyes B'Elanna exclaimed. "Loved him?" She then let out a loud snort before asking, "who are you trying to kid?"

"B'Elanna it's not fair to talk about this." Kathryn insisted hurriedly. Really she didn't want to think about Chakotay and his relationship with Seven of nine. "What about this one?" she asked getting a lovely elegant black dress off the rail and turning to look at her friend.

"No too dark, your skin is too pale." B'Elanna told her shaking her head and taking it from her hand to place back on the rail "and I am only saying what everyone else is thinking."

"Well they have shared fifteen years together, she is still the mother of his children." Kathryn reminded B'Elanna.

"Yea so how are you going to work that one out?"

"We haven't talked about it, of course I would never ask Chakotay to not see his children but-" B'Elanna was then giving Kathryn a look "what?" Kathryn asked her friend.

"Well his children are not your children and they should have been." B'Elanna told her with defiance in her voice.

Slowly Kathryn shook her head and turned from her friend saying sadly "no but they were never going to be, Chakotay knew that."

"Kathryn?"

Turning back to look into her friend eyes where she saw confusion and concern she told her sadly "I can't have children, since the shuttle accident that killed my father and Justin, I was too injured."

"Oh Kathryn I never knew." B'Elanna exclaimed softly as she rested a comforting hand on her older friends shoulder.

"That's ok, I am too old for all that now anyway." Shrugged Kathryn with a slight smile but it was one that didn't meet her eyes at all and they both knew the truth was Kathryn would have loved children. "Beside I can't wait to meet Chakotay's children properly." She added with a real smile.

"How about something in blue?" B'Elanna asked reaching for a very beautiful and simple satin dress in an elegant royal blue. "Like at the banquet," she turned to see Kathryn examining a red silk gown "he's seen you wear red for most of your marriage." She said putting her hand on Kathryn's to stop her from taking it from the rail "blue brings out your eyes and we all know how much Chakotay loves your eyes." B'Elanna told her simply as she held out the blue dress towards her friend.

"Thanks B'Elanna!" Shrieked Kathryn feeling extremely ashamed of her friend's words.

"He does!" insisted B'Elanna as she looked down at the dress she was holding against her and smiled "perfection."

Later that evening Kathryn was in her bedroom of her small house looking herself up and down in the long mirror. She was very happy with the beautiful blue dress but she just felt so old, she wasn't sure Chakotay in all his handsome glory was really sure what he had left his beautiful and young wife for. The door bell rang and with a heavy and anxious sigh Kathryn took one last glance at herself in the mirror, "You'll have to do" she muttered at her own reflection, she was a bettered and bruised woman both emotionally and physically but she was hopeful that in her mid sixties it was finally her time for happiness in life.

As se slowly opened her fount door a sight she hadn't expected to see met her. She was greeted by Chakotay's four year old daughter Sanwee looking up at her perfect jet black eyes happy and expectant, they were her fathers eyes and to see them so happy made her smile. "A rose for you Ms Janeway." Sanwee said as she held out a single peach rose for Kathryn just as Chakotay used to do on a Thursday evening in her quarters.

Slightly taken a back Kathryn took a second to compose herself with the shock of see Chakotay's daughter. As Chakotay came up the path towards the door and into view he saw Kathryn looking at him with her wide blue eyes and suddenly she wasn't sure what to say. Kathryn tilted her head and simply looked at him stood in a beautiful black suite and carrying a tiny buddle fast asleep in his arms, his eight-month-old son. Kathryn lowered her gaze to the little girl still holding the rose up to her expectantly. She slowly reached out to take it from the child and smiling at her she said "Why thank you."

"Father says you will like it." Sanwee smiled at her.

Kathryn glanced at Chakotay who was watching her intently for any hint of discomfort in her face but Kathryn was carrying herself with great elegance. Looking back at the child she laughed and said "did he now? Well he always thought a rose would win my heart. I think you had all better come in." she told them as she sniffed the rose and stepped aside to let the three of them enter her house. As Chakotay passed her to step inside she searched her eyes for an indication of how she felt with the sudden appearance of his two youngest children at their dinner date. The two locked eyes but Chakotay could see no emotion in her eyes, she wasn't giving away how she was feeling. The two merely stared at each other both saying nothing.

Sanwee broke the silence as she looked up at the older woman she didn't know and announced, "Father say's your beautiful but I don't agree." Kathryn lowered her gaze to the child and then backs up at Chakotay who was looking at his daughter in horror. "You are _very _beautiful." Sanwee announced which made Kathryn laugh.

Closing the door she moved towards the child completely ignoring her father and said to her "Thank you, your beautiful too."

Kathryn knelt in front of the little girl. "Mother say's beauty is irrelevant." Sanwee told her as she gently stroked Kathryn's pale face with her tiny copper hand.

Kathryn instinctively brushed the think black hair from the child's eyes as she told her "Your mother has different views on some things."

"Father says we are having dinner, I like dinner." Sanwee told her as Kathryn stood and took the child's hand to guide her towards the sitting room with her father following close behind carrying his sleeping son in his hands.

"Kathryn." He whispered behind them.

"Chakotay." She replied steadily as she turned to face him.

"Sorry I-" and then stopped himself and looked form his son in his arms to Sanwee who was stood clinging onto Kathryn's hand "we are late." He finished.

"That's ok." She smiled warmly and turned back to the sitting room.

"So Ms Janeway was my father within the parameters of order?" Sanwee asked looking up at Kathryn.

Kathryn took a seat on a large comfy sofa and lifted the young girl so she could sit next her, "You can call me Kathryn," she told her softly "and what order do you mean darling?" Chakotay took a seat opposite the room and simply watched his daughter and the woman he loved interact for the first time. It was a beautiful sight to see and it made him smile, Kathryn was so warm towards his daughter and Sanwee had picked up on that and clearly liked her very much. Very few people had ever been warm towards his children in that way, least of their mother.

"Mother say's you were her and fathers commanding officer many years ago." Sanwee stated matter-of-factly looking from Kathryn to her father.

"Arrr, that order." Laughed Kathryn as she glanced at Chakotay who too was laughing. Looking back at the girl she told her "your father served his purpose well, and was a good officer."

"What was his purpose?" Sanwee asked wide-eyed and eager.

"He was my first officer." Kathryn told her "it was his job to make sure all my needs were met and that I was happy. Which usually involved making sure I ate food." She laughed

"And slept." Chakotay interrupted as he placed his sleeping son on the sofa next to him, he was feeling more comfortable than he thought he would be in this situation.

"Yes and slept." She agreed glancing at him and smiling at the baby as she saw his face for the first time, another child of copper brown skin and wispy bits of thick black hair just visible through the edge of his hat.

"That's funny, he told me he was a warrior." Sanwee told Kathryn as she gave her father a look of annoyance.

"Hummm, that he was too. A very brave warrior." Kathryn agreed with a wink and a smile at the man watching the two across the room. Sanwee jumped from her seat and began moving around the room looking at all the items with great interest, especially the ones that Chakotay had made for Kathryn over the years.

Kathryn was watching the child looking at nearly everything in the room and it made her smile broadly. "Sorry. Seven disappeared." Chakotay whispered in her ear, which made her jump, she hadn't even noticed he had moved to sit next to her where his daughter had been sat.

"Disappeared?" Kathryn whispered back as she turned to face him. As she placed a reassuring hand on his knee she felt his strong firm hand rest it's self behind her on the small of her back.

"She left." He told quietly.

Before Kathryn had chance to reply Sanwee came back and announced to Kathryn "Father said I can cook because it would be better than your food."

"Did he now?" Kathryn asked looking back with her eyebrows raised at a rather sheepish Chakotay. Chakotay's reply to that was to stroke Kathryn's back in the comforting way he always did as he stood or walked behind her on Voyager.

"A guitar!" Exclaimed Sanwee loudly as she made her way quickly towards Kathryn's old guitar propped up against the wall on the other side of the room.

As his four-year-old daughter grabbed the ancient instrument and began to strum the stings clearly not knowing what she was doing Chakotay asked, "is she OK?"

"She's fine," Kathryn reassured him patting his knee and saying, "so tell me Seven disappeared?"

"We had an argument." He admitted.

"About what?"

"Who is in custody." His deep voice replied.

"Oh god Chakotay, I am so sorry." She exclaimed looking deep into his eyes in horror.

"What for?" he asked her confused.

"Is she trying to stop you seeing your children?" she asked feeling slightly guilty for the whole situation.

"No, that's just it, she's refusing to see them." He said not sure whether he felt sad, annoyed or actually happy about this.

"What? But she's their mother!" Kathryn whispered clearly she didn't think it was a good idea.

"I haven't said anything to them yet." He told her glancing over at Sanwee who was very content with the guitar.

"Where are the other two?" she asked him.

"Trellah is with Duva, my eldest son, they are at home." He told her taking her hand and kissing it "I am sorry Kathryn I know this was supposed to be our first date."

"When has it ever gone smoothly for us?" she asked kissing his tattoo and standing up to walk towards where Sanwee sat "So do you like music?" she asked coming to sit with her was Chakotay stood to watch.

"Yes, I always wanted to play guitar but Mother wouldn't let me she said it was an irrelevant waste of time." Sanwee told her sadly.

"Tell me, do you fit within the parameters of your mothers order?" Kathryn asked her with a smile.

"No- not always." Sanwee admitted slowly "I am not a scientist."

"No?" Kathryn asked with a smile as she looked at the guitar in the child's hands.

"No." Whispered Sanwee as tears threatened to fall from her beautiful dark eyes "that makes me pointless."

"Arrr now hunny, that's not true." Kathryn told her softly as she took her and sat her on her knee and began to gently stoke her hair. "Let me see, you like music. What else do you like? Do you enjoy painting? To draw?" She asked the child.

"I think so." Nodded Sanwee as she wiped the tears from her eyes. Chakotay was horrified, he had never heard his four year old say she was pointless nor had he been aware that his wife had instilled that idea in their children. As he watched Kathryn interact with his daughter he saw a very different Sanwee and he realized he wasn't even sure he knew his children. He couldn't help noticing the ease in which Kathryn and Sanwee interacted making him think Kathryn would have been a great mother.

"Lets draw a picture," Kathryn said standing up and taking Sanwee's hand and guiding her to a cupboard where she kept paper and pens, sometimes she loved to write the old fashioned way and for this occasion she knew real pens and paper rather than a drawing PADD was needed. "We can draw your daddy." Kathryn told her as she placed the pens and paper on the coffee table and knelt beside it with Sanwee on her knee.

"Mother say's we are not to draw or call Father daddy." Sanwee told her as she stared at the pens and more tears threatened to fall.

"It's only slightly out of the parameters of order." Kathryn told her kissing the child's forehead "everyone has to be a rebel from time to time, your mother didn't always fit in the parameters of order." She admitted on the end.

"Really." Sanwee gasped looking at Kathryn.

"Here we go." Kathryn said taking the pens from the box and handing them to Sanwee "lets draw your daddy." She was avoiding answering the question because no matter what she thought of Seven and what she had or hadn't done she was still the child's mother and had the right to that relationship with her daughter.

As Sanwee began to draw Kathryn glanced up at Chakotay who was sat perched on the edge of the near by arm chair "And what are you looking at?" she snapped in mock anger as she watched him grinning with his dimples flashing "we can show you when your done."

"I'll get dinner ready while you ladies draw then." She said standing and leaning in the kiss the top of both Sanwee and Kathryn's head.

Turning back to the child Kathryn smiled and said in her best command tone without looking at him "and you can wipe that grin off your face while you do it mister." Which only made him laugh as walked off into the kitchen.


	27. Long talks and better understandings

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 27**

**Long talks and better understandings.**

"That went well." Sighed Chakotay as he walked up behind Kathryn who was ordering coffee from her replicator in her Kitchen.

"What did?" She asked as she watched the blue light shimmer into view bringing with it her heavenly drink.

"This evening." He told her as he began to massage her exposed shoulders with his steady hands as he stood behind her.

"Did I pass then?" she asked as he leaned forward to kiss her exposed neck.

Stepping back and spinning her around he looked into her eyes and said lovingly "Kathryn it wasn't a test."

"I know calm down." She laughed placing her hand on his chest and asking, "has she gone to sleep then?"

"Yes, I think you wore her out." he laughed as he watched her take a sip of her coffee.

"So I did pass then?" she laughed.

"She loves you." He smiled at her showing her his dimples "and I love you." He then closed the gap between them to kiss her lips gently and taste to coffee she was drinking "so yes you passed." He smiled as he pulled away from her.

"Which is more than can be said for my cooking." She pointed out as she prodded the half eaten nut roast that had ended up being served charcoal black.

"The cake didn't do too badly, I have had worse from your kitchen over the years." He laughed as he picked up the remains of the cake she had backed which had tasted nice but somehow turned into crumbs as soon as it had been sliced.

"Hay you!" she shouted swatting his chest with her hand as she tipped both the burnt nut roast and cake crumbs into the bin "and thanks for the rose it's lovely." She smiled as she picked it up to smell its fragrance once more.

Smiling at her showed her a bottle of vintage French wine, "So now the children are all taken care of do you care to share some red wine with me?" he asked taking her hand and staring lovingly into her deep blue eyes.

"Don't mind if I do, ill get the glasses." She smiled as she turned her back on him to get two crystal wine glasses from her cupboard.

"You look lovely tonight by the way." Chakotay told her as he looked at her beautiful blue dress from behind.

"Thanks." She smiled as she walked passed him with the wine glasses.

As he followed her into the sitting room "no Kathryn I mean it, really lovely." He insisted knowing she was just ignoring her "and I love this new dress of yours." He smiled as she stoked her lower back and let the material run through his fingers.

"How did you know it's new?" she asked taking the bottle from his hands and pouring the drinks.

"Temporal prime directive." To which Kathryn snorted and he burst out laughing.

She handed him a glass and the two sat side by side on the large comfy sofa where Kathryn and Sanwee had been sat earlier. Kathryn lent into him and rested her face on his chest as he wrapped his arm around her and gently stroked her shoulder. "You know" she began seriously "I must really like you."

"Oh?" he asked, "Why is that?"

"I left a steaming mug of black coffee in the kitchen to come in here and drink red wine with you."

With a smile he laughed and kissed the top of her head saying "I am honoured."

"You should be mister." She told him. She then leaned forward and picked up the drawing of Chakotay that his youngest daughter had done a few hours earlier. "It has a certain resemblance." Kathryn pointed out with a smile. The drawing was not by any means perfection but it was clear who it was a drawing of. The fact that Sanwee had insisted on using the grey pen to draw the hair rather than the black had been a sore point for Chakotay but one which Kathryn had found funny.

"She has drawn my tattoo covering my entire face!" Chakotay exclaimed as he pointed at the black lines his daughter had scribbled over the drawing of his face.

Kathryn tilted her head to look at this and laughed saying "well at least she used the black pen." To which she earned a dirty look from the handsome Native American. "Give the girl some credit, she hasn't ever really drawn before." Kathryn pointed out as she proudly handed the drawing to the child father.

Slowly Chakotay began "about that-"

"It's none of my business how you raise your kids Chakotay." Kathryn cut him off raising her hand to signal him to stop talking.

"I wish I had been a better father to them, I wish I had brought them up more human than Borg." Chakotay whispered as he stared deeply at the drawing his four year old had proudly drawn that evening.

"Seven clearly thinks she has done the best by them, and she has don't get me wrong, you both have. Sanwee is a bright, intelligent young woman of four."

"But that's the point" Chakotay whispered as he stared at the drawing in his hand, "she is four. Drawing and painting and playing are all part of being four. I was watching her with you this evening, I have never seen her that way, she is normally so ridged like in a Borg collective. She tries too hard to please her mother but she never quite meets Seven's idea of perfection. You heard her tell you she is pointless."

Kathryn laid a hand on his knee and rested her head further into his chest as she relaxed into him; she too was looking at the drawing "Seven tries to do things from what she understands. I don't suppose that's always easy for her."

"I should have done something about it, got to know them, I should have taught Seven how to raise human children." He said sadly.

"You still can do that." Kathryn reassured him.

"Seven wants no part in their lives any more."

"I don't understand how can a mother just walk away from her Children?" Kathryn asked shaking her head in confused shock.

"Seven is no ordinary mother, she was abandoned by her parents, let down by them. She was raised Borg." Chakotay remained her in Seven's defence.

"So she has raised her own children Borg?"

"Something like that." A very bitter and sad Chakotay agreed.

"So what about you, did you not have any say in it?" Kathryn asked him lovingly as she took his hand in hers and let their fingers intertwine.

"Seven only understood Borg." He sighed tightening his grip around her shoulder and bringing her closer to him "When I slept with her all those years ago, I was hurt and angry, I loved you and when I saw how happy with Jaffen you seemed to be I felt guilt that I never seemed to make you that happy." As he took a pause Kathryn squeezed his had reassuring him she wanted him to continue "I was your husband and I could not give you what you needed because I was your subordinate, and lets not forget I was your prisoner."

At his last sentence Kathryn's head shot up from his shoulder and her wide searching eyes met with his, "I stopped seeing you as Maquis years before that Chakotay, you we so much more than a prisoner to me."

He reassuringly took her hand again and nodded "I felt guilty, when I brought you back from that planet and gave you your memories back, the happy fresh faced person you were down there was gone, the heavy burden of guilt and command was back squarely on your shoulders. I was so bitter and angry for what I had done."

"So you slept with Seven, to spite me but neither of you ever told me so how could that have hurt me if you hid it from me?" she asked him lovingly and not with anger.

"The angry warrior I once was returned, I did it to hurt you in my mind," he admitted as she watched him as she sipped her wine "to feed my anger. I could never have hurt you but that was never really what I wanted."

"So when you slept with Seven she was all Borg?" Kathryn asked him.

"She was young and beautiful I'll give her that. And I didn't have to give her up in the middle of the night, I didn't have to creep away with her sobbing silently into her pillow pretending to be asleep because we both knew in the morning we had to pretend there was nothing between us."

"Like we did." she sighed heavily for the great pain their relationship had caused them both.

"You know as well as I how hard those nights were. How terrible Friday mornings felt for us." He said as he stoked her long beautiful grey hair.

"I used to wake and hope you were still there but you never were you had always gone, and that was the way it had to be." She said sadly remembering those few hours on Voyager once a week where they could be a married couple.

"With Seven it didn't have to be that way." He told her sadly.

"So you slept with her once to feed your anger? But then what? You liked it and wanted more?"

"After that fateful night I felt great shame." He told her truthfully. The two sat together with his arm around her, there other hands clasped and her head resting on his chest. He was begging her to understand where he was coming from.

"I would have understood if you had come to me and told me, a little hurt maybe but I would have understood." She insisted. She too had felt the pain that their trying to keep a marriage in that situation was puting on them.

"You never came to me when you had an affair with one of the crew." He pointed out softly.

"No I didn't," she admitted.

"After that fateful night I avoided Seven." Chakotay continued as he gently played with the ends of Kathryn's long hair "but four weeks later she came to me and announced she was pregnant. When I talked to the doctor, he wanted to tell you, as it was protocol to inform the captain. I made him agree to hold off until I could talk to you myself."

"But you never did." Kathryn replied darkly.

Removing his arm from around her shoulder and sitting up straighter so she was too force to sit up from her relaxing position he took the glass of wine from her hand and placed it on the coffee table next to where his was and took her hands in his. Chakotay then waited for his ex-wife to look at him before he took a deep breath and admitted, "no I didn't, and before I really knew where I was I was in active relationships with you both."

"Active relationship?" Kathryn gasped back at him her wide eyes looking at him in horror as she pulled her hands from his strong grip.

"Well Seven had been doing a fair bit of research into exploring her humanity since she realised she was pregnant." Sighed Chakotay sadly as he watched Kathryn closely "she persuaded me that her research taught her that children do better if both parents are in a relationship, that it would be the right thing by the child to raise it together. It was everything my religion and my culture had taught me."

"When you say she persuaded you?" Kathryn asked feeling slightly worried by that word. She remembered back many months ago the first time she had seen Seven since her realise from prison. She had gone to visit Chakotay at his home. Chakotay a seemed almost fearful of Seven. Kathryn hadn't thought of that until then. Kathryn gently placed a loving hand on his chest and waited patiently for his reply.

Chakotay looked at her and Kathryn was sure she saw a look of fear and shame flash into his jet black eyes but then it was gone within a second. "I thought I was doing the right thing for my daughter. For the child's sake it made sense." He told her.

"But for your sake? What did you want Chakotay?" she pleaded with him; she could tell there was slightly more to it than he was telling her here.

"I wanted to love you, my wife _and_ be a good father to the child I was having with another woman." He told her truthfully. He then asked her "remember when Seska was pregnant and we thought it was mine?"

"Yes" she admitted remembering that very difficult time early on the Voyagers journey. It was a hard time for all on Voyager but especially hard for the newly formed relationship between the two of them.

"I couldn't turn my back on that child, remember how we would fight back then, how much we were enemies then?" he asked her.

"We worked through that a long time ago." She reminded him firmly in her deep husky voice.

"I know but you were so angry with me for what I did, for taking your shuttle and rightly so." He told her.

"Chakotay I don't understand, what has that got to do with anything?" she told him shaking her head at him waiting for him to reply.

"Kathryn, you understood then, through all that hurt and pain you were with me to save the baby we thought was my son. My son with a woman who hurt you, a woman who I did once love."

"She hurt you too." Kathryn said as she lifted her tear stained face to him remembering that difficult and painful time when Seska had made them all believe her newly born son was Chakotay's son.

Chakotay lifted his hands to her cheeks and brushed away her tears before leaning in and gently kissing the wet surface of her skin as he whispered "I simply mean you understood then that I had to do what was right for my child, no matter what the risks, you even came with me then."

"And I would have stood by you and understood about your child with Seven if you had given me half the chance." She insisted staring deeply into his eyes wanting to understand why he had never come to her and confided in her.

"Seven made me believe the right thing for my child was to be in a relationship with her." He replied darkly.

"Which you did?"

"Yes" he said simply as he locked his jet black eyes with hers hoping to find love there in her deep blue eyes that showed such conflicting emotions.

As she sat and watched him she remembered the argument they had many years ago, the feelings she had felt and what she had suspected and she had to ask now "so all those years ago I was right. You were in a relationship with Seven when you were stranded together on that planet?"

As Chakotay watcher her eyes he knew she knew, he had always known she knew. "That's when we became close yes." He told her turning from her eyes; he knew there was little point lying to her as he had done all those years ago. "I had been avoiding her before then."

"I knew she had feelings for you." Kathryn admitted with a thankful nod that he had told her the truth.

"You did?" she asked wide-eyed as he turned to look at her.

"Yes." She whispered "When I knew about her holographic experiments." Then hurriedly she added "I know I should have told you about that."

Chakotay shook his head and took her hands in his reassuringly stroking her knuckles with his thumbs "it was Seven who did wrong there not you sweet heart."

"She came to me and asked me what the best way to engage you in the human ritual of dating was." Kathryn admitted to him for the first time.

"She did?" he exclaimed in horror. Kathryn let her eyes lock with his. The two stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. The tension and passion between them was at boiling point and both held such deep longing and desire for the other, they both knew that by now none of this mattered, the pain was over and they were free to openly love each other. For understanding sake the two needed to know what had truly happened to help each other through it.

Slowly after what felt like an eternity Kathryn nodded and told him "Of course I asked her why _you_ specifically and she told me it would be best." Stopping Kathryn looked down at where her pale hand was held in his copper brown hand and it all made sense, over fifteen years later she finally understood what was for the best, who it was for the best for, the child. Slowly she looked up at the man she loved with all her heart and continued "I was aware the fact that she was excessively using the holodeck, it was damaging her health. When I asked her what she was doing there she told me she was experimenting. I told her that one-day I would like to see this experiment. She didn't seem keen on that." With a shrug and a gentle encouraging squeeze of Chakotay's hand she said "I suppose I was worried about her, so one day while she was in the holodeck I slipped in quietly to see what she was doing, I didn't mean to pry."

"What did you see?" he asked her nodding to show his understanding of her actions.

"She was in bed." Kathryn said slowly and then looked deep into his eyes as she told him the worst of it "with you."

She saw his eyes rage with fury as he exclaimed loudly "WHAT!"

"Well I thought it was you didn't I!" Kathryn told him quickly.

"When did you realise it wasn't?" he asked through gritted teeth to try to control his anger.

"When I saw the chicken." She said with a slight hint of a smile curling in her tiny red lips.

"The chicken?" he asked confused but it did cause him to relax just a little.

"You had eaten chicken," she told him and then corrected herself "or the holographic version of you had."

Chakotay closed his eyes for a second and then reopened them saying "wait let me get this straight she was sleeping with a holographic version of me while eating chicken." Even Chakotay was laughing now.

Kathryn snorted at how silly it sounded, "no, I assume she and the hologram of you had had a meal together, chicken and _then_ had sex after which you, that is to say she and the holographic version of you fell asleep."

"Did you just say we had sex?" he asked and then added quickly" or rather she had sex with a hologram of me."

"I guess so," she shrugged "the hologram was naked. And I have to say quite accurate too." With those words she placed her tiny hand on his groin sending a shiver through his body and he shifted himself from her hand.

"That's a violation!" he coughed referring to what Seven had been doing "why didn't you do something about it?"

"Might I point out you _had _already had sex with her by this point, she was already pregnant with your child." Kathryn told him as she looked at him and placed her hands on her hips.

"You didn't know that then." He reminded her.

"No I didn't." she said sadly. It was too much she turned from him as she broke down and cried. She couldn't think bout that time any more. She had only ever wanted him to be happy.

"Kathryn?" he asked gently placing a gentle hand delicately on her shoulder. As she turned to look at him he saw her eyes were pouring with tears. "Oh come here Kathryn." He said lovingly pulling her towards him to embrace her where they sat. As he stoked her hair where she sat against him sobbing into his chest he kissed the top of her head and told her "I love you my wise and brave woman warrior."

"Is the angry warrior still angry?" she asked as she looked up to show him her wide blue eyes and tear stained face.

Kissing her forehead and brushing the tears from her cheeks with his hand he told her "he was angry, he has been angry. He was lead to believe in order to do the right thing for his child he had to leave his woman warrior."

She let her eyes lock with his as she whispered heavily "The woman warrior let him go because she believed it was what he wanted, all she wanted was to see him happy and if that meant with another, younger more beautiful woman then she accepted that and sacrificed everything she could to allow him and the other woman to be happy together."

Chakotay felt the pain and longing for her words. His Kathryn had sacrificed a great deal for him over the years and he had repaid her by leaving her and letting her sacrifice herself some more so he could leave her. Slowly he whispered "He is only angry when his beautiful woman warrior is far from him."

"She never wants him to be angry again," Kathryn whispered back as she looked into his eyes.

"I could only ever be happy with you near Kathryn." He told her as he looked down at her and brushed the stray hair from her watery eyes.

"So I think I should stay by your side." She smiled up at him lovingly.

"I like that idea." He laughed showing his beautiful dimples to her.

"Like?" she snapped staring up at him with an angry face drawing her eyebrows together.

For a second Chakotay looked at his love with confusion and then he understood with a dimpled smiled she laughed and whispered "love." which made Kathryn smile but only for a second as he closed the gap between them and took her beautiful red lips as his invading her mouth with his tongue. The angry warrior and the beautiful warrior had finally found their peace together.

**Note: - I know this kind of sounds like it could be the end, I just wanted to assure you while it would be a nice place to end it I have more to write for these two so watch out for more soon…**

**Thank you all for reading so far! X**


	28. Well goodnight then

**A love lost and love's sacrifice.**

**Chapter 28**

**Well goodnight then.**

**Just a little short chapter… The last chapter was far from the end of their adventure… **

Kathryn gently lowered the sleeping four year old that she had gathered in her arms onto the bed. Slowly Sanwee moved slightly as Kathryn let go of her sleeping form. Kathryn softly stoked the child's thick black hair and waited until se was sure she was fast asleep before standing up. "Thanks Kathryn." Whispered the child's father was he smiled and placed a loving hand on her shoulder.

Kathryn stared back at him for a second before quickly breaking the silence by whispering "Well I had better be off"

"You could stay if you like" Chakotay told her as he took her hand and guided her out of the child's darkened bedroom in his large upstairs landing where he gestured to a guest bedroom.

Kathryn had only transported with Chakotay back to his home that evening to help him carry the two sleeping children as Chakotay had not wanted to leave his fourteen year old daughter in charge of his ten year old son all night. Kathryn stood and thought in over for a moment before shaking her head and resting her own hand on his shoulder saying lovingly "no it's late, I should be getting home."

"Right." He said awkwardly, feeling slightly disappointed and hurt but not wanting it to show, as he wanted her to feel comfortable and know he respected her wishes.

Kathryn has seen the conflicting look in his eyes cupped his face with her hand and stoked his jaw line lovingly as she told him "I had a lovely evening Chakotay, thank you."

This caused him to smile widely as he took her towards the front door "I think we all did, even Hanhan who slept right through."

"He's beautiful Chakotay," she smiled "all you children are."

He knew now was the part he opened the front door and she left to transport home but he didn't want her to go. "You should meet them properly soon, I would like you too." he told her as he looked deep into her eyes.

"I would be honoured." She smiled warmly and truthfully at him.

"Great." He smiled "tomorrow evening?"

"I would love to."

"You could come here for dinner." He suggested

"You cooking?" the laughed thinking of the burnt nut roast they had eaten earlier at her house.

"Yes." He nodded "don't worry."

His statement was followed by a slight awkward silence to which Kathryn awkwardly said "Well good night then" Mainly because she couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Good night darling." He said in reply as he leaned in to give her an extremely passionate kiss.

As he let her go mainly because they needed to part for air she reached up and traced the lines of his tattoo saying "See you tomorrow."

"Can't wait." She smiled as he opened the door and let her walk into the night towards the transporter stop.

As Kathryn rematerialzed on the path of her own house she walked slowly up the door in the darkened night air. She was searching for her swipe key because she hadn't yet had a code lock fitted into the older style door. As she rummaged around in her rather messy handbag trying to strain her eyes to see in the dark she failed to see or hear the tall figure move silently in behind her in an aggressive manner.

**Note: - I know there is a LONG way to go yet in this story but I am thinking of making this story into a trilogy as this is actually the second in the story, **_**One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter **_**does actually come before this one. I was just wondering how many of the readers read **_**One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter **_**first? and how many would be interested in reading a another one after this using the same Janeway and Chakotay to make it a complete trilogy? Please PM me or review and let me know because it's a great help to hear what me readers want. I don't do this for money so I only do it to please the readers. Thanks x**


	29. My way or not at all

**A love lost and a love's sacrifice.**

**Chapter 29**

**My way or not at all.**

"Did you have fun with my husband this evening?" Came the cold steady voice of Seven of Nine from behind Kathryn.

It was so sudden and unexpected that it caused Kathryn to yell in the darkness of the night and drop he handbag. Spinning round to see who was now pressing their body into hers Kathryn back away seeing who the tall radiant blonde haired woman was. "Argh, Seven!" Kathryn exclaimed as she hastily bent down and picked up the contents of her handbag without taking her eyes of the younger woman.

"Ms. Janeway." Stated Seven in her usual cold voice as she towered above Kathryn who was scrabbling around on the ground trying to retrieve her swipe card to enter her house.

Hurriedly Kathryn walked towards the door of her home, swiping it open she steeped inside her own home and opened the door wide turning to look at the tall and very beautiful woman stood looking at her with one silvery eyebrow raised. "Well? Are you coming in?" Kathryn asked feeling quite exhausted after a busy day. Raising her head high the ex-Borg drone wasted no time in moving past her old commanding officer and into her home.

As Seven moved past her Kathryn let out a heavy sigh as she closed the door behind her. Walking steadily into her kitchen trying to give the air of not being at all fazed by her unexpected visitor. "Coffee?" she asked steadily as she moved towards the replicator without looking at the tall younger woman who stood watching her.

"No" Seven said stiffly "thank you."

"Well please don't mind if I do." Kathryn said as she ordered a black coffee from her replicator. When the blue shimmering light had deposited her drink Kathryn took it steadily in her hand and turned to face her guest, "So Seven to what do I owe this late night pleasure?" she asked slightly too stiffly to be welcoming.

Either Seven was pretending not to notice or she really didn't notice Kathryn was not at all interested in seeing her as Seven stated coolly "As I am sure you are aware myself and my husband had become separated."

"Yes he mentioned it." Kathryn sighed as she began to realise this could be a long and awkward conversation. One she really didn't want anyway but certainly not at this time of night after the busy day she had and the emotionally draining conversation she had concluded with Chakotay not half an hour before.

"You have turned him away from me." Seven told her, not in and a accusing tone more in her usual none emotional Borg like voice.

"Seven I have done no such thing." Kathryn insisted placing her now empty coffee mug in the recycelor and ordering another one as she rubbed her forehead in exasperation.

"We were fine until you came back into our lives."

With a heavy sigh Kathryn slowly placed her new coffee mug down turning to Seven and saying stiffly "Seven I am sorry but you can not _make _Chakotay want to be with you just because you want him to be."

"You have managed to make Chakotay want to be with you." A very cold sounding Seven pointed stated as she watched the older woman closely.

"Seven I don't know what he said to you or what happened when you separated but I did not make him want to be with me. Chakotay chooses his own destiny." Kathryn insisted feeling too tired to really care what Seven thought of the situation right then.

Seven stood with her usual stance tall and thin with her arms at her side and she told Kathryn "He informed me he was most displeased with me for violating him by creating a holographic reconstruction of him."

Kathryn watched Sevens emotionless face for a second before asking cautiously "Seven you do understand why that upset him don't you?"

"No doubt you will attempt to explain." The Ex-Borg told her in a tone of voice that Kathryn knew all too well.

"Seven you always did have a knack for wanting philosophical conversations in the middle of the night." Sighed a very tired Kathryn as she sand into the chair in her sitting room and gestured for the ex-Borg to do the same but of course she did not. When did she ever just sit?

"You were once my captain, my mentor, even my friend." Seven stated matter-of-factly.

"Yes." Kathryn replied slowly and tentatively really hoping that Seven would just get to the point and be gone.

"I come to you for guidance now." Seven went on to say.

"Guidance? What guidance?"

"I wish you to assist me in regaining my relationship with my husband and my children." At those words it was like something thumped Kathryn very hard in her heart. She knew in her head she trusted Chakotay's words that he wanted to be with her and not Seven but now she wondered, all the doubts came flashing back, what if he wants to be with Seven but he was only saying he didn't because she left him? What if now she wants him back he leaves me?

"Seven- I- Seven it is up to Chakotay if he wish's to be in a relationship with you or not." Kathryn managed to spit out hurriedly. Suddenly she was feeling quite sick.

"Right now he believes he wants to be married to you." Seven told her.

"He believes?" Kathryn asked not entirely sure what Seven could mean by using those words.

Seven raised her eyebrow the Kathryn telling her "the proper thing is for him to be married to me and continue in the family unit we have with our children."

"The proper thing?" Spluttered Kathryn "what about love Seven?"

"Irrelevant." Seven dismissed "Do you not agree the care of ones offspring of the up most importance?" When Kathryn rose from her seat to meet Seven's eyes for she knew where this was going Seven continued "To nurture them, to help them grow to teach and develop their minds."

"Of course" Nodded Kathryn, there was nothing she could deny there.

Seven continued, "then you agree a stable family collective is vital for my children and so their father needs to be part of that unit with me their mother."

"Ideally yes but-" began Kathryn.

Seven cut across Kathryn by telling her firmly "then my children require you to disengage in the relationship you have with their father so that he and I may continue to form our family collective."

Kathryn drew her eyebrows together and set her jawbone saying in her deep husky voice "Seven your children are lovely children, I would never presume to tell you what is best for them and they will always be their mother but providing two parents is not all that is needed for raising a human child. It's not just you and Chakotay are together so therefore job done mission complete."

"You _will_ release Chakotay too me." Seven hissed stepping closer to the shorter woman and trying to tower over her to scare her.

"Seven I am not holding him!" exclaimed Kathryn getting angry as she took a step back and looked up at the younger woman angrily "You talk as though he were property, as though he were a prisoner."

Seven ignored Kathryn's words and demanded once more "you will no longer interact with _my _husband. You will terminate your relationship with Chakotay." Seven had chosen to stress the word _my husband _in a way that Kathryn did not like causing her anger to very nearly explode.

"Seven I care about you a great deal and I am sorry this has happened, for all of you, your children included. It's not the way any of us planned our lives to be but you can not simply order Chakotay and I not to see each other and then everything will be how you want it to be, life doesn't work that way." Kathryn was sincere in her words but also very hurt and angry by Seven's emotionless and thoughtless actions.

"It did fifteen years ago, I told Chakotay then."

"You told Chakotay? Seven what did you tell Chakotay fifteen years ago?" A confused and horrified Kathryn demanded to know in her deep husky command tone.

"I told him having done my research that if he were not in my life as my partner he was never going to be a part of my child's life." Seven told her calmly as though this were normal.

"You gave him an ultimatum?" Kathryn gasped her wide blue eyes searching Seven's blue eyes for understanding.

"Indeed. For my child's sake, you could never understand you are not a mother." These words hurt Kathryn more than Seven had intended them to, more than Seven knew they had. Kathryn was in fact a mother, a mother to a long lost child, a son whom she had never been allowed to raise as her own. She was once more going to be a mother, a little girl she had carried inside herself, but a shuttle accident had damaged her womb beyond repair killing her unborn daughter along with any more chances of becoming a mother.

Slowly Kathryn closed her eyes and whispered in question "You told him to leave me and become in an active relationship with you otherwise you would never allow him to see his child."

"I was planning to terminate unless he cooperated." The cold voice of Seven rang out through the silent sitting room As Kathryn stood with her eyes closed she felt a wave of nausea wash over her. Seven had threatened to have an abortion if Chakotay didn't become romantically involved in a relationship with her. Chakotay had been right, he had done it for his unborn Childs sake.

"Never speak to my husband again." Was the next thing Kathryn heard before the room went dark and she felt her body hit the floor.


	30. The end of all things?

**A love lost and love's sacrifice.**

**Chapter 30**

**The end of all things?**

Finally Tom kicked down the front door and ran into the house "Kathryn!" he shrieked as he ran towards her unconscious body lying on the floor of her sitting room as he had seen her when he had peered through the window minutes before. "Kathryn!" he screamed as he rolled her pale limp form over to look into the cold features of her face. When she didn't move he looked in horror at his wife who was now towering above the two.

Slowly B'Elanna knelt down and brushed the grey hair from her older friends face "Kathryn" she whispered gently.

With a moan Kathryn's deep-set blue eyes fluttered open. Gently she licked her lips and asked "What?"

"God Kathryn you gave us quite a scare." Sighed Tom as he relaxed and B'Elanna let out a breath she didn't even know she had been holding in.

"What happened?" Kathryn asked feeling very disorientated as she tried to sit up. This only caused her head to bang with such a throbbing headache. As she sat up her vision immediately became blurry causing her to become unable to open her eyes properly.

"Looks like you fainted." Tom told her as he placed a strong supportive hand around her back to help her stand.

"Oh God my head." She shouted in pain as she clasped her hand to her forehead and closing her eyes tight shut sinking back to the floor in a lying position.

"Too much to drink?" Tom joked.

"No we only had one glass of wine." Kathryn hissed through the pain.

"To share?" Tom joked earning a dirty look from his wife.

"No Tom each!" Kathryn spat in reply.

"You fainted the first time you saw Chakotay after fifteen years was the date that good?"

"No it was-" began Kathryn but then stopped herself and said "I mean yes the date was really great"

"But?" B'Elanna asked sensing there was more to the story.

"But it was Seven, when I came home she was here waiting for me." Kathryn told them as she sat up once more and found it wasn't quite as painful as the last time.

"What?" gasped Tom "what did Chakotay do?"

"He was at home where I left him." Kathryn told them as she hissed in pain, her entire body felt like it was in so much pain something wasn't right and she knew it.

"Hang on I thought the date was _here._" B'Elanna asked looking worried as she glanced at Tom who was watching Kathryn with an intense look of worry.

"It was." Kathryn hissed as she panted holding her stomach in pain.

"So what were you doing at Chakotay's?" asked Tom looking from Kathryn to B'Elanna and asking "Is anybody else lost?"

"After we let Sanwee and Hanhan sleep here-" began Kathryn steadily.

"Hanhan and Sanwee?" B'Elanna cut her off as se shouted in a shocked voice "He brought his children on the date with him? God that man really does know how to squash a mood."

"Seven had left, seemingly abandoned her children, or so he said." Kathryn whispered in his defence "What else was he to do B'Elanna? He couldn't leave them on their own."

"So where were his older two?" Tom asked.

"At home." Replied Kathryn simply.

"I take it you want another coffee?" he asked her looking at the mug she had been holding in her hand when she fainted. The coffee was now cold and had spilt on the floor beside where she was now sat.

"Not sure it would do my head so good but go on." Sighed Kathryn as she rubbed her forehead once more.

"So what did Seven want with you if she had left Chakotay and the Children." Tom asked, he was trying to keep Kathryn talking, he was still quite worried about her and the amount of pain she appeared to be.

"She asked me, no told me to leave Chakotay, to never see him again."

"WHAT!" Shrieked Tom.

"Of course she told her where to stuff it right." B'Elanna told her husband. Then she slowly looked to where Kathryn was staring wide-eyed at her "right Kathryn?"

"Right." Said Kathryn hurriedly then changed her mind and said slowly "well-"

"God Kathryn tell me you didn't agree." Hissed B'Elanna, as she looked horrified at her older friend.

"I didn't disagree. That's kind of where I fainted." Pointed out Kathryn. Then suddenly a sharp pain took Kathryn's heart and she found herself unable to breath.

"What? Wait you fainted here while Seven was still with you?" gasped B'Elanna who had suddenly realised that had meant that Seven had left Kathryn alone on the floor.

"B'Elanna" Gasped Kathryn as she clung to her chest "I don-" but before she could finish her sentence she had blacked out once more and was lying motionless on the floor of her sitting room.

"Tom is she OK?" shrieked B'Elanna as she stared open mouthed at her husband who had been one of Voyagers medics.

"Kathryn!" Shouted Tom as he tilted Kathryn's face towards him and he checked the Old fashioned way for a pulse, now was one of those time he wished he carried a medical tricorder with him at all times.

"Tom?" A desperate B'Elanna asked.

"I think she's in cardiac arrest!" shouted Tom as he made to do CPR on her.

"A heart attack!" shouted B'Elanna in horror.

"Get me Starfleet medical B'Elanna!" shouted Tom nodding at Kathryn's comm station as he began to compress down on Kathryn's chest

Several hours later a very upset and angry B'Elanna found herself banging heavily on Chakotay's front door. She was kicking the door and yelling for somebody to open up. She was about to give the door another great thud with her klingon fist when Chakotay opened it and shouted "B'Elanna!"

"Where is she?" hissed B'Elanna back at him as she pushed past him not waiting for an invite into his home.

"Who?" asked Chakotay feeling slightly confused and agitated by B'Elanna's angry behaviour.

"That wife of yours" hissed B'Elanna rounding on him "let me rip her little Borg head off." She yelled as she stormed into the large sitting room. Chakotay followed her closely.

Chakotay was about to tell her Seven wasn't there when he heard Sevens cold voice say "I was expecting you." Both B'Elanna and Chakotay spun round to look at Seven.

"Oh you were expecting me were you?" Hissed B'Elanna through gritted teeth.

"It's for the best." Stated Seven coldly.

"You little –" Yelled B'Elanna as she lurched for the ex-Borg drone but Chakotay wrapped his arms tightly round her middle and held her back.

"B'Elanna" growled a confused Chakotay in her ear.

"Get off me Chakotay!" shrieked B'Elanna as she thought to free herself from his strong grip.

"You are sick you know that!" growled B'Elanna at the seemingly helpless Seven.

"B'Elanna!" shouted a shocked Chakotay in his wife's defence.

B'Elanna spun round to look at the confused and shocked look in Chakotay eyes and then she laughed a cold laugh before turning back to Seven and asked rather coldly "what you haven't told your husband?"

Chakotay looked from the angry Klingon, no the _upset _klingon to the seemingly calm unaffected Borg as she said, "you have no proof that it was me."

"No? Then how do you know what I am talking about? Why exactly were you expecting me?" B'Elanna asked calmly. Chakotay looked at Seven to see she had nothing to say in her defence of what ever it was B'Elanna was accusing her of. "What exactly did you inject into her body last night?" B'Elanna demanded.

"Inject into her body? Whose body?" Asked Chakotay looking form one woman to the other who were stood facing each other both refusing to break eye contact.

"It was necessary, I am sure once your emotional grieving period is over you will come to see it my way." Stated a cold sounding Seven.

"So you did mean to kill her?" Shrieked B'Elanna.

Chakotay stood watching both the women as dread flooded over him, he had an idea what they were talking about but he didn't want to dare think about it, he had to tell himself that wasn't it, _that _couldn't be it. It wasn't until Seven said coldly "in the collective it is sometimes necessary to deactivate one if they are not working towards the perfection on the collective" that Chakotay knew he couldn't ignore what he was fearing.

"Human's call it murder Seven." Hissed B'Elanna.

Chakotay gasped, "murder?" Numbly Chakotay took a deep breath and looked to his wife "Seven what is she talking about?"

For the first time the blue eyes of Seven turned to meet his own fearful eyes, he barely heard his wife say the next words, he felt his world had just come crushing down to a terrible end as Seven told him coldly "Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway is dead."


	31. A love lost

**A love lost and love's sacrifice.**

**Chapter 31.**

**A love lost.**

Chakotay slowly walked up the long corridor at Starfleet medical; he couldn't believe he was doing this. He didn't want to believe it. His heart was overcome with anger for Seven. Seven had torn his world apart fifteen years ago and now with great guilt he felt the pain for his Kathryn, his beloved Kathryn had paid the price once again. Chakotay knew that Kathryn would want him to forgive Seven. He knew Kathryn would refuse to see the wrong in Seven's actions he knew Kathryn would find the best in her but Chakotay didn't think he would be able to do that. Finally he made it to the door behind which his beloved, his one true love Kathryn lay. Part of him had the urge to knock a tiny hope that if he did her distinctive husky voice would call him to enter.

Slowly Chakotay pushed the door open and peered inside. There she lay, still and motionless on the bed in the centre of the brightly lit room. Her beauty radiant even from her limp state. Slowly Chakotay walked to her side and took her hand tightly in his own.

"Oh Kathryn I wont let you leave like this." He whispered as he took the empty seat at her side. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, "I know you didn't always want to hear what I had to say, Well I really want you to listen to me now Kathryn, I need you, and I love you." He told her taking a deep breath fighting against the tears that threatened to fall "there's so much we still have left to do together." He told her in an insistent tone as he brushed her hair from her eyes. Silently he sat holding her tiny limp hand for hours refusing to let her go. The Wildman's had been and gone, the Kim's had called in even the Torres-Paris's had been to offer him a comforting hand but none of them could make it right again. Only his Kathryn could fix him now. Only Kathryn's deep husky voice saying his name in a way that only she could, the way she said his name that she reserved for when she most want to show her love would make Chakotay's dimpled smile return to his face. Kathryn made him complete, she had become part of him.

"Has old man" whispered B'Elanna form behind where Chakotay sat at Kathryn's side, Chakotay jumped up from his half sleeping position and looked quickly at her beautiful stone still face. "You should get some sleep Chakotay, you have been here for hours." B'Elanna pleaded with her old friend and mentor.

"No B'Elanna I wont leave her, she wouldn't want me to." Chakotay insisted looking away from Kathryn to look into the younger woman's eyes.

B'Elanna glanced down at the still, pale form of her old commanding officer lying stiffly on the bed turning back to Chakotay she knelt at his side and whispered "Chakotay she wouldn't want you not eating or sleeping. She would want you to look after yourself."

"I nearly lost her B'Elanna, I still might." He cried as he looked down at the unconscious form of the woman he loved.

"Chakotay, Kathryn Janeway, she is a fighter, she's made it this far. She's been through far worse, She will make it through!" B'Elanna insisted trying to reassure herself as much as the Native American man sat before her.

"I hope your right B'Elanna, I really do." He told her as he leant over to kiss Kathryn's still pale lips. Chakotay's tears dropped onto Kathryn's pale white skin and rested there but still she did not wake from her foced sleep, alive but barely she lay.


	32. A captain's sacrifice

**A love lost and love's sacrifice.**

**Chapter 32**

**A captain's sacrifice.**

"Any change?" Tom asked as he came to stand behind Chakotay at Kathryn's bedside.

"None." Sighed Chakotay heavily as he turned to take the mug of tea Tom was offering him.

Reassuringly patting Chakotay's shoulder as he looked at the still limp form of Kathryn Tom said softly "there will be."

"How did I let this happen to her?" Chakotay asked him as he watched the younger man take the seat on the other side of Kathryn's bed.

"Chakotay none of us _let _this happen and she _will _be OK, she has to be, she's a fighter and she has come through far worse than this."

"And each time I felt like this, helpless and terrified." Chakotay told him as he stoked her cheek with the back of his hand. He just looked up at the only man he knew who would understand what he was about to say "I was just thinking about the day she, B'Elanna and Tuvok got assimilated, I was so angry with her for doing that and yet so frightened I would never see her again. The moment I walked back into sickbay and she was lying there, completely Borg I felt my heart torn from me Tom. Then I thought nothing would be worse than seeing the love of my life as a Borg but this, this is far worse."

"No matter how terrible the sight was to see them as Borg I suppose we both knew their minds were still with us, they never belonged to the collective. We had hope, we knew there was a chance for the doctor to remove their implants and return them to us." Tom nodded remembering that fateful day he had stood side by side with Chakotay was they both watched the love of their lives walk into a Borg cube to be assimilated.

"We thought, we hated and we shouted." Chakotay told him "Voyager took its toll on us. Her damn command took its toll on us." Chakotay admitted.

Tom laughed and nodding saying "you were the only one who would stand up to the great Kathryn Janeway when she was on a command power trip. The rest of us knew when to back off and let her get us out of the mess as she always did."

"At what cost Tom?" shouted Chakotay as his dark blazing eyes met with Tom's shocked blue ones "it was fine for the rest of you, let the captain get on with it, sure she was the captain it was her job to take responsibility for her ship and crew but do any of you know what it cost her?" When Tom simply looked back at him shocked because the anger he was showing Chakotay went on shouting across her bed "no! Why would you! It cost her life Tom! She lost who she was in the Delta Quadrant each second of each day she lost part of who she was for all of you, for you to have the lives you had there! Of course I stood up to her Tom, she was NOT on a command power trip, she was guilt ridden!"

"Guilt ridden?" questioned a very shocked Tom shaking his head at the older man in confusion.

"She blamed herself, every second of that journey she blamed herself. Every time somebody mentioned earth, every time Harry Kim said something bout his mothers apple pie or Ayala said he missed his kids or Naomi asked what earth looks like. Every Christmas, every Easter, new year or birthday! They were just more excuses for Kathryn to hate herself, blame herself and second-guess herself. Sure she went to every one of your little parties with a smile on her radiant face but she was breaking inside. It drove Kathryn to the edge of insanity and back Tom. One hundred and fifty lives resting on her shoulders _every _second of _every _day for seven years. How many Starfleet captains do you know who command that way, no break. Never allowed to relax and be themselves?"

"I had no idea, I suppose we didn't think." Whispered Tom as he glanced down at the older beautiful woman lying before him.

"She didn't want you to know, that's the point." Sighed Chakotay as he brushed her hair from her forehead, "don't you ever say Kathryn Janeway was on a command power trip again because she hated it Tom! She didn't want to command, at times she couldn't command, she was scared and frightened of what was round every corner, who was lurking in the shadows to end her misery. She was _not_ driven by power, one thing and one thing alone drove Kathryn Janeway, she _had _to get her crew home and she was prepared to kill herself to do it. I would not and could not stand by and watch her destroy herself."

"The void" whispered Tom as he looked at Kathryn remembering the time she had been ready to stay behind to sacrifice her future to save the crew to let them get home.

"That was not the first or the last Tom." Whispered Chakotay, "it was just she wouldn't listen to my reason then, she needed to hear it from all of you. The void nearly killed her you know?"

"But we convinced her to stay."

Chakotay shook his head "She was going to kill herself, end her own life, depressed and alone in her quarters, a meaningless death because she was so far gone by then, she couldn't live with it Tom, when the opportunity came to stay behind and try to save the crew that way it was her last act of redemption, for the guilt she thought she had to carry."

The two men sipped there now cold tea in silence, Tom felt a slight pang of guilt in his heart, he had no idea how much she had carried for him, for the crew. The plea bargain to incarcerate herself was the last in a _very _long line of sacrifices that she had face with only Chakotay at her side. Now there she lay on the edge of death hopeless and alone while her crew had lives, jobs, houses, and family. Tom felt he had no right to be there, no right to call himself her friend, what had he ever done for her? While all the while he took from her willing sacrifice. Tom had great respect for this woman but now he had so much respect for her he didn't even feel worthy enough to sit at her bedside. Slowly he stood and placed a comforting hand on the shoulder of the man who was worthy to be at her side, the man who had always been at her side no matter what the cost.

"Kathryn would want her friends beside her." Chakotay told the younger man without looking at him as he adjusted her pillows.

As Tom turned to look at Chakotay he saw he was crying as he leaned over her and gazed into her sleeping face. In Tom's heart he felt a heavy pain for this couple. They had both been through so much together and so much apart, most of which he knew he didn't know. All he knew is he had great respect for both of them and he hoped with all his heart this amazing woman would survive

.


	33. Returned and lots again

**A love lost and love's sacrifice.**

**Chapter 33**

**Returned and lost again.**

Kathryn Janeway was lying down, where she did not know but she felt safe and warm. She wasn't sure content would be a word she would use to describe how she felt but certainly safe, her nostrils had been invaded by a rich earthy sent, _his _sent, Chakotay's sent. That was how she knew she was safe, Chakotay wasn't far away. Other than the huge headache and the feeling of something bulky and slightly heavy resting on her chest she felt completely fine. Slowly she opened her deep blue eyes but the bright lights of the room she was in invaded them forcing her to clasp her eyes shut almost immediately. After a few seconds of letting her eyes adjust she slowly opened them again and could see more clearly she was in a Starfleet room, lying on a bed. She went to rub her forehead with her left hand and realised something was clasped tightly around it, she slowly lowered her gaze to see his copper brown hand held tightly around her hand. It was then that she also realised what the bulky thing resting on her chest was. With a groan she nudged his sleeping form as she slept on her chest. As he began to awaken from his light sleep she asked with a slight laugh in her croaky, husky voice "Chakotay? Care to tell me why you are lying on my chest."

"Kathryn?" Chakotay groaned as he slowly began to sit up and orientate himself once more after his much needed sleep. As he began to remember where he was he realized Kathryn had just spoken, his eyes quickly flashed down to her face and was met by her beautiful blue eye looking longingly up at him. Chakotay's heart skipped a beat "Oh spirits Kathryn!" he exclaimed, he had never dared believe he would see those beautiful blue eyes again and here they were looking beautifully up at him.

"hello Chakotay." She smiled trying to sit up and look around her surroundings.

Chakotay's heart was beating loudly in his chest, she was _alive! _And she was _awake! _"how are you feeling?" he asked as he leaned in the help her in a more comfortable sitting position. He wanted to grab her and kiss her but he had to be sure she was Ok. He had to know what was wrong with her, the last two weeks had been full of dread, fear and uncertainty for Chakotay.

"I seem to have a banging head ace." She groaned as she began to rub her forehead vigorously as she doubled over in pain.

"How's your heart." Chakotay asked supporting her back with one hand and brushing the grey hair form her eyes with the other.

"fine last time I checked." She said flopping back down on her pillows and feeling quite faint. As she looked around at the bio bed and all the medical equipment surrounding her she asked with a slight hint of sarcasm "so are you going to tell me why I am Starfleet medical or do I have to ask?"

Chakotay looked down at her pale and weak looking form staring up at him with such determination written across her face that he knew he couldn't hold back, not from her, not now. "you had a heart attack." He told her simply feeling the pain as he brought himself to say those words.

"a heart attack?" she asked looking at him with such confusion and fear. "what? When?" she remembered no such thing

With a heavy sigh Chakotay knelt at her side, too her tiny hand in his and asked as he gazed lovingly into her rich blue eyes "nearly two weeks ago, are you sure your ok sweet heart."

"two weeks? Chakotay a person doesn't have a heart attack and then forget the next two weeks." She insisted as she looked back at him with defiance in her eyes.

"no, perhaps not." he whispered and he hung his head diverting his gaze form her demanding eyes.

"so?" she snapped in the command tone he knew so well.

Slowly Chakotay raised his head as tears fell from his eyes. Kathryn saw the pain in his eyes and her own eyes softened just a little as she squeezed his hand reassuringly "Kathryn, the thing is nobody is really sure what is wrong with you." He began. Taking a deep breath in which Kathryn stared searchingly into his eyes he began "We do know you were dru-"

"Kathryn!" Exclaimed a joyful Tom as he came barging into the room interrupting what Chakotay was saying. Kathryn's wide eyes darted from her love to the younger man and then slowly back again.

"Tom." She said looking back at his with a smile. Tom and Chakotay exchanged a glance that of course Kathryn Janeway did not miss. They both then lowered their gaze slowly to look at her in a way that made her feel slightly uncomfortable "ok, as supportive and handsome both of you are is one of you going to tell me why you keep looking at me like that?" she asked issuing her 'Janeway death glare' to both of them in turn.

"like what?" Tom asked playing the art of innocence as he glanced up worryingly at the older Native American who was now standing up on the other side of her bed.

"oh come on Tom! I am not stupid!" Snapped a rather angry Kathryn who was fed up and coming to the end of her patience with the two men. "Chakotay here was about to tell me I was drugged, weren't you dearest?" she asked him in a sly sarcastic tone that took both men aback slightly.

"what ever happened to telling her gently." Snapped Tom at Chakotay from across Kathryn's bed.

"this _is _Kathryn Janeway." Replied Chakotay in annoyance with Tom as she gestured at the now plainly angry Kathryn Janeway in the bed between them.

"it was your plan." Shrieked Tom in reply.

"err gentlemen?" snapped Kathryn raising both her palms and looking from one man to the other to attract their attention "Sorry to break up your little discussion here but tell me _what _gently?" She then turned to the older of the two men and stared him right in the eye saying in a very deep husky voice "And you should know Chakotay I have had enough of secrets and lies."

"this is your mess" said Tom as he threw him palms up and began backing away from the woman who looked angry enough to spit fire right then.

"thanks Tom." Gulped Chakotay as he looked into Kathryn's blazing blue eyes.

"somebody better start talking or heads are going to roll" she snapped as she looked from one to the other, she didn't care which talked but one of then better had soon.

"You were drugged, poisoned." Whispered Chakotay as he knelt down to look into her terrified and confused eyes. He knew he had to give her the whole truth "by Seven of Nine." He told her looking deep into her eyes.

For a second Kathryn simply looked up at him and didn't say a word, she then she simply shook her head and said "ok Chakotay Seven has been to some lows in her time I'll grant you that, but you really expect me to believe she tried to kill me?"

"by her own admission." Nodded Chakotay to which Kathryn stared back at him with her wide blue eyes. "I thought I had lost you." Chakotay leaned in and planted a gentle kiss on her lips and both eyes met as tears filled both of their eyes.

After a second she pulled away and shook her head vigorously shouting "this doesn't add up!"

"Kathryn you need to calm down" Chakotay told her trying to take her shoulders to still her as he looked up at Tom for support.

Seven began to become agitated and shout then, "Calm down? Are you crazy? Chakotay I can't believe Seven would do such a thing."

Grabbing her shoulders and forcing Kathryn to stop moving around her bed he forced her to look at him as he asked her "can't or wont?" this made her stop and look from Chakotay to Tom.

"Kathryn none of us wanted to believe it." Tom told her gently as he glance up at Chakotay.

"Chakotay!" Kathryn's ear splitting scream could be heard and it made both men shiver they looked down at where she lay.

"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked looking into her deep blue eyes that shone with fear and pain.

"Chakotay!" She screamed again, this time she reached out for him with her hand.

"Kathryn!" Chakotay cried as he looked into her face, he had never seen anything like it, the sight filled him with fear. "Tom!"

"Holy Crap!" Tom yelled as he too looked down at her.

"Don't just stand their get a doctor!" Chakotay yelled as panic filled Chakotay's mind, his heart was racing as he clasped her hand tight and looked into her eyes, which still shone with fear.

"-ko-ay- what's hap-?" Kathryn managed to get out through gulps of pain.

"I don't know sweet heart, I don't know." Whispered Chakotay as he looked down at her body that was burning up in temperature. He mouth was foaming and her hands and face were covered in blood, from where Tom and Chakotay could not tell. It seemed to be seeping _through _her skin. He body was beginning to convulse, Chakotay stood over her helpless and frightened.

"Cha-ay I -ove oo-" she managed a spit out from her foaming mouth.

"sushhh, I love you too darling." He told her as he kept tight hold of her hand. The next thing her eyes fell shut and he body was sent into a deep seizure.

Tm came blurting back in closely followed by Voyagers EMH "So what do we have here Chakotay?" the Doctor asked in his usual airy self-righteous tone.

"Doctor it's Kathryn, she's –" began Chakotay in a hurried voice.

The doctor took one look at her bleeding, convulsing body and pushed Chakotay out of his way saying "Excuse me Chakotay."

"will she be OK?" demanded a very frightened Chakotay as he stepped back to allow the Doctor room.

"right now I need you to step back Chakotay." Insisted to Doctor as he ran his tricorder over her body.

"Hold on Kathryn." Gasped Chakotay as he and Tom exchanged very worried glances.

Several hours later Chakotay paced up and down out side her room, his mind was so confused he didn't even notice the older Starfleet admiral who had come and stood just in front of him. "Mr Chakotay" the admiral said stiffly pulling Chakotay from his frantic thoughts.

"Admiral Paris." Stated Chakotay as he stood to attention before the man. Though he did not like him or Starfleet Chakotay did have respect for the fact he was an admiral and that alone drove him to stand to attention before him.

"At ease Chakotay, you are hardly Starfleet and I am here on personal business." Owen smiled, when Chakotay did not return his smile but merely scowled at him he asked "How is Kate?"

"not good." Stated Chakotay coldly.

"I heard your wife may have been involved." Owen Paris told him looking at his as a father would look to defend his daughter.

"Estranged wife." Stated Chakotay coldly.

"looks badly for a family man, wife tries to kill the husbands mistress." Owen told him slyly.

Chakotay looked the older man up and down for a second and then turned to face him fully. As he looked angrily into his eyes Chakotay said dimply "I could tell you what else is bad, farther and family friend send young daughter into enemy territory alone and to save their own career send no rescue when she is captured."

Owen looked taken aback and almost frightened, stepping backwards a little he gasped and said "how do you know this information?"

"worried?" Chakotay asked with a sly smile. When Owen didn't reply Chakotay relaxed a little and said "Kathryn told me."

"Kathryn?" gaped Owen shaking his head "Kathryn _never _talks to anybody about that."

"Well she has to me." Chakotay said stiffly. Stepping forward he closed the gap between the two men and told him sternly "do not presume to pretend you know a single thing about my relationship with Kathryn Janeway." He then spat on the end "_Admiral." _

Owen Paris looked the younger ex-maquis up and down once and then turned and left without a word. "What was that about?" Tom asked as he came up the Chakotay and watched his dad storm off.

"I don't think I am your fathers favourite person right now." Snapped and angry Chakotay.

Tom watched his dad storm round the corner out of sight before he shrugged and said simply "it's quite hard to be." Tom then turned to face Chakotay and worryingly asked "how is she?"

"not good" Chakotay whispered as his mind flooded back to the dread he felt for his Kathryn's life.

"that was horrible." Whispered Tom referring to the sickening state they had last seen Kathryn in.

"you don't need to tell me twice." Sighed a heavyhearted Chakotay as he sunk into a near by bench.

"she'll be OK." Tom whispered as he watched the older man next to him. At this point he knew he was trying to convince himself rather than Chakotay. When Chakotay didn't reply he merely turned his tribal necklace over and over in his hands, Tom smiled and asked "you planning to do anything nice with that?"

"hum?" Chakotay asked snapping almost from a trance.

"the necklace?" Tom nodded, he knew the necklace was once Kathryn's, given to her by Chakotay as a symbol of their marriage.

Chakotay looked down at it in his hands with a heavy heart sand said softly "I was going to give it to her if she woke up." Looking up at Tom he shrugged feeling quite insecure and said "you know, if she wants it again for a second time round."

"not if she wakes up Chakotay, when." Insisted Tom patting to older mans shoulder "and of course she would want it a second time, she loves you."

"but will she want to become engaged to me again? Look what happened last time, and we are old now." Sighed a pain filled Chakotay.

Tom looked deep in to eyes of the Native American and saw deep pain there. "Chakotay! She would want nothing more than to marry you. When she wakes up again present this to her with a proper proposal and I guarantee you she'll say yes." Tom reassured him.

Chakotay clasped his fingers tightly around the necklace and nodded.


	34. To ask a simple question

**A love lost ad love's sacrifice.**

**Chapter 34.**

**To ask a simple question.**

_From Chakotay's POV…._

_I visit day after day hour after hour, the still sleeping form of the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Some say my newly estranged wife is beautiful, and she is but not as beautiful as this woman whom I would give the world if she would only wake up. Kathryn's beauty is a true and honest beauty. Kathryn looks as the world and feels each aspect of it. I first met her, the love of my life nearly twenty-three years ago. Her deep husky voice rung in my ears as she called my name and her image appeared on my view screen. I could never have known then, the woman who Starfleet sent to capture us would become my wife and the love of my life. I fell in love with my Kathryn when she did not judge me. No, Kathryn does not judge anybody. I have hurt her, I always hurt her and still she loves me._

_I tried to rape her once, or twice many years ago in my anger and still she returned love to me. Kathryn Janeway is a special kind of person, she can redeem a soul with a simple glance and warm a heart with a tiny smile. She and I have a deep love, a love that never fails even over these many years of separation. I have hurt her and have been hurting her since the day we met. I tried so hard to love her and yet I inflicted pain upon her. She and I married many years ago, alone in a personal pledge lying in my bed in a small shelter I had built for us on a planet we called new earth. She was my wife and I her husband. We lived a joyous life there, free from pain and so full of the rich love we could each give the other._

_That paradise was short lived and return we did to our command on Voyager and the years rolled by, each taking its toll on us. I loved her through it all but I didn't always agree with her. She was too determined, so determined to get Voyager and it's crew home she was determined to do it, at any cost, even her own life._

_I have visited her hospital bed many times over the years and begged her to wake up, longed to see those shinning blue eyes once more and each time she ha come back to me. It has always been joyous and happy. A relief to once more see her alive. Never have I felt the way I do now._

_A month ago my current wife, the new estranged one I mentioned earlier, well she poisoned my dear Kathryn. I don't think it was an act of hatred. You see Seven doesn't understand the world through human eyes, maybe it was my job to tell her more clearly, I don't know. To Seven Kathryn was in her way, to Seven her collective, that's me her and our four children, was threatened by Kathryn. In the Borg collective when one drone becomes a risk to the collective the other drones deactivate it. I think that is what Seven thought she was doing but can I forgive that? Can I forgive the mother of my children, my wife of fifteen years for trying to murder Kathryn. Do I want to tell my children that is what their mother did?_

_I try to think upon what Kathryn would do with Seven and I know she would forgive her but I don't think I can do it. Kathryn has a heart of gold. Oh don't get me wrong she is not at all naive. She is a strong warrior and a brave leader, I can only look up to her sometimes and stare in awe at her._

_Now here I am, stood outside her room at Starfleet medical. I don't want to go in as I have done every other time for the last month, it's like B'Elanna told me she is up and awake. She sat there reading her old fashioned book. She's looking good. The doctor say's she can go home first thing tomorrow morning, as long as she rests. Look who's job it is to get her to rest. It's a little hard when I blame myself. I was fine going in and sitting at her side when she was a sleep but now she's awake I can't bring myself to go in there. I think I will just stand there and watch her from the doorway._

Kathryn turned over the page of her book and with out even looking up asked into the pages "Are you going to come in and talk to me or are you planning to just hover around the door forever?"

"Kathryn, I didn't know you could see me." A very shocked Chakotay insisted as he jumped into view watching her closely.

"not see Chakotay, hear." She told him without looking up as she stared at the page in her book not actually reading it. "For a native American tracker stealth doesn't seem to be your strong point." She joked as she let her smiling face look up at him for a long time.

"I am sorry, I wanted to be near you but I wasn't sure if you were up to visitors." He told her cautiously still hovering in her doorway.

"why are you acting like this?" she asked as she narrowed her eyes and eyed him suspiciously. She couldn't help thinking he was up to something, what she did not know and so she didn't know if she was liking it or not.

"like what?" he asked as shitted his weight from one foot to the other.

"like this." She told him waving her hands at him as though telling him to go away "all strange!"

"I have been worried about you." She told her trying hard to put on his best concerned voice.

"I know." She sighed as she looked at him. She saw how worried and sad he looked as he stared at her from where he stood in her door way. She hadn't seen him in weeks, she had been unconscious, too ill to be revived. The doctor had done wonderful work on her and now she was as good as new, well almost. The doctor had said something to her about resting, which of course she was going to ignore. She watched him as he stared at her from where he hovered back at her doorframe. She could see the lines of worry etched across his face and fear still evident in his deep jet-black eyes as he looked at her. She shut her book with a slight, sudden bang and threw it down on her lap as she told him "God Chakotay come here would you?"

"Kathryn?" cautiously as he began to move closer to her.

"Chakotay really I am not about to blame you for her actions!" sighed Kathryn as she watched him act strangely, that was the only thing she could think of that would make him so fearful and cautious of her.

"how are you feeling?" he asked as he came to hover away from her not moving to touch her or be any closer to her.

"fine." Replied Kathryn absentmindedly as she still kept her eyes narrowed watching him she knew something was wrong and she knew he wasn't telling her.

Chakotay let out a heavy sigh and returned her narrowed eyed look with his own saying "let me rephrase that, how are you _really _feeling?"

"very sick actually, weak." Kathryn replied a little, she had felt the concern in his words.

"are you sure your ready to go home?" he asked as he knelt beside her and took her hands in his.

"I am ready to get out of this place." She agreed with a nod.

Chakotay smiled his dimpled smile. He leaned in a kissed her cheek and asked her "Would you mind if I asked you a very important question."

She issued him with her best Janeway death glare and folded her arms saying "if it involves that offensive word _rest _then no you may not ask your question and the answer would be no to you question."

Chakotay watched her suspiciously for a second and then said "well it's a good job that wasn't my question then isn't it. Actually it was- well I was wondering- the thing is-"

"Well spit it out." She snapped at him.

"Kathryn darling, it's a bit difficult to ask you what I am wanting to when your sat glaring at me in that way!" he insisted trying to unfold her arms and take one of her hands in his lovingly.

"Ok sorry, you may ask your question." She told him making a joke of being smug and above him.

"Kathryn, I am trying to be serious." He told her as he cupped her cheek in his hand.

"Pardon me for tying to be happy, I could have died. I only wanted to lighten the mood." She pouted at him.

"I am sorry darling, I know you're worried. I don't want to loose you again." He whispered as he stared lovingly into her frightened blue eyes. "Sweet heart I love you." He told her.

"I love to you my Chakotay." She whispered at she placed her delicate tiny hand on his chest. She was unsure where this was going but she knew Chakotay well enough to know he need ed reassuring that she did love him.

The two stared deep into each others eyes, neither wanted to break the loving silence.

Chakotay cupped her face in his hand stroking her cheeks with his thumbs before he asked gently "Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway would you do me the honour of pledging your life to be and becoming my Kay-Pah-eeta, my pledge mate." Kathryn's wide blue eyes widened as Chakotay let go of her face and lowered his hands to his pocket. Slowly he lifted out the necklace that Kathryn knew very well, he opened his hand to her to present her with the necklace as he asked "Will you marry me Kathryn."

Kathryn found her wide blue watery eyes looking at the necklace in his hand, the one she had warn for seven years in hope of the symbol of the marriage they once had, the marriage she threw away for a much younger, far more beautiful and far more intelligent woman.

Kathryn let her eyes wonder back up to his loving and begging jet-black eyes and she opened her mouth to reply with a heavy sigh.


	35. She didn't say no

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 35**

**She didn't say no.**

"Chakotay?" Kathryn stared at the man knelt before her holding out the necklace for her. She looked deep into his jet-black eyes and saw that he meant it.

"Kathryn?" he asked back refusing to take his loving eyes from her shocked deep blue ones. He was slightly worried; this wasn't the falling lovingly into his arms he had hoped for. He was watching her cautiously; she seemed transfixed at staring at the necklace in his outstretched hand and then back up at his eyes.

"What ever happened to just dates?" she finally asked as he watery eyes met with his calm ones. Chakotay pulled his hand away and clenched the necklace tight in his fist. He began to breath heavily and clenched his jaw tightly as he watched her. Slowly he began to rise from where he knelt beside her, the anger evident in his face. Kathryn stretched out her arm to grab him and pulled him back to look at her, "please don't be angry," she begged as he blue eyes searched his eyes for some love.

"It's no isn't it?" his hissed at her through his angry gritted teeth. When she did not say anything but merely stared up at him with watery blue eyes he saw pain there. With a heavy sigh of his own he relaxed a little and softly said "Kathryn, please just tell me."

"Sweet heart it's not no" she began as she reached up to trace the lines of his tattoo lovingly with her finger. Slowly and cautiously she said "but-"

"But Kathryn?" she snapped at her angrily as he pulled from her hand.

"Chakotay please! Last time we did this you didn't listen to me and we ended up fighting" she shouted in pain as she remembered the first time he had proposed to her all those years ago on new earth, it hadn't gone as smoothly as either of them had liked then.

"Kathryn, darling, I am trying to listen but you not saying anything." He told her trying hard to sound loving in his anger.

"You wont give me half a chance!" she retorted back as she glared at him drawing her eyebrows closer together in frustration.

Chakotay looked deep into her eyes for a second and Kathryn could see the anger he held in his, taking a deep breath he said in the most calm voice he could force "so it's not no, but?"

Turning from him slightly in shame she whispered, "I don't think I, or we, are ready, not for marriage."

"We were married for five years!" Chakotay insisted shaking his head in shock,

"Were we?" she snapped turning her head to face him where she sat in the bed. She question was met by a questioning and shocked look from the older man to which she replied "that was hardly a marriage, steeling a few hours together each Thursday evening."

"What do you want from me Kathryn? Tell me and it's yours" he begged as he leaned in the stroke he delicate face with his fingertips.

"Chakotay, it's not about wanting anything, it's about- oh Chakotay stop scowling at me like that!" she broke of when he pulled back and began scowling in her direction.

"Do you love me Kathryn?" he snapped feeling slightly hurt and angry.

"Chakotay you know I do, how can you ask that?" she whispered feeling tears from in her eyes as she saw the pain in his.

"And I love you, so it's perfect." He told her as he leaned in to kiss her lips.

Kathryn allowed him to do so but didn't part her mouth to allow him access. Pulling away from him feeling great pain for what she felt she could not have, what she felt she did not deserve she told him "Chakotay it's not that easy."

"Then it is a no!" she snapped as he stood to move from her bed angrily, much as he used to when he tried to push her for more than their Thursday evenings on Voyager.

"Chakotay!" she called back after him as he made for the door to leave her alone. He turned to see her begging, tearful eyes and his heart was softened to her once more.

"I will always be here for you Kathryn, I will always love you." He told her lovingly trying to reassure her of his intentions as he turned to face her fully. She sat in the bed looking at him and he stood by the door watching her.

Taking in a deep breath she shook her head and told him "it's not about love Chakotay."

"Then what is it?" he asked her as he moved towards her once more.

"Don't you get it? I am old Chakotay, old and tired." She sighed with a heavy heart. Chakotay took his place at her side and held her hands in his, urging her to carry on "I was captured by the Cardassians and held in their prison, raped and tortured. I was forced to bring my son into the world only to have him snatched from me, never allowed to see him again. I finally was freed from that to fall in love with the man who rescued me, Justin. He was a good man whom I loved a great deal, we go engaged to be married and I was carrying his unborn child. I went on a shuttle mission with him and my father; we were attacked by Cardassians and crashed on an ice planet. I was forced to watch helpless and Justin and my Father died in my arms, with my baby dieing inside of me. When the rescue came there was only me left, the only way to save me was to remove my womb, thus ending the chance for me to have children again." Her tears were pouring down her face; she was deep in uncontrolled sadness as she wept for all that had been lost.

Chakotay loving reached up and brushed the hair from her eyes, "I know Kathryn, and I am so sorry that happened to you." He told her as he planted a tiny loving kiss on her forehead.

Shaking her head widely and looking with fear and horror into his she gasped through her tears "Don't you see, don't you understand, I am fed up with it, with life."

"Kathryn?" he asked lovingly as a knot appeared in his own stomach. He loved her a great deal and it hurt him to see her this way.

"I finally get over their deaths and find a new fiancé, Mark. Ok it wasn't perfect but it was a beautiful relationship and he was a good man who love me."

"But you lost him too." Sighed Chakotay was he watched her and felt her pain. He knew there was nothing he could do that would make it better for her, he only wished she would let him in just that little bit more.

Tears were streaming down her face, she was letting it all out and Chakotay didn't want to hold her back, he only wanted to be there for her. He was feeling helpless and useless but still he knelt at her side, held her hands and listened. "On my first command, my _first _command Chakotay my ship and all it's crew was pulled into a Seven year hell, the Delta Quadrant. Not only did I loose my fiancé I lost myself. I had to sacrifice all I had for that crew."

"Come here." Chakotay said lovingly as he stretched his arms out so tat she would fall into his embrace.

"Chakotay don't you see, I m old and tired and I have nothing." She wept into his strong chest.

"You have me." he whispered into her hair as he smelt her sent and planted a kiss there as he lovingly stroked her back.

"Do I?" she sobbed back at him.

"Kathryn?" he questioned in horror as he drew her back to look at him.

As their eyes met her looked deep into his jet-black eyes and saw nothing but love. Slowly she shook her head as she told him sadly "I met a man, an angry warrior and I fell in love with him. In his anger he tried to rape me, accused me of murdering his family, attacked me with a phaser and-"

As she told her story Chakotay's eyes slowly closed as he whispered with great sadness and love "Kathryn, I am so sorry."

"I know sweet heart, I know." She sighed leaning in and kissing his cheek "my point is, through all of that I loved you."

"But you wont marry me now?" he asked opening his eyes and looking deep into hers as she turned away from him.

"I didn't say no.," reminded him softly.

"You didn't say yes either." He pointed out just as softly as he stoked her arm gently.

"Chakotay please don't push this, can we not just live?" she begged.

"Live?" she asked unsure what she meant.

"Chakotay, I always thought marriage was for live, I always wanted a big wedding, big dress all that stuff."

Hanging his head in sadness for he knew he had never provided that fro her he said sadly "I never gave you that last time."

Taking his hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze she told him "No, but you gave me what you could, maybe your culture has it all right, all that is needed is you and me."

"But, you're afraid that if you put this necklace on now that's it, no big wedding."

"It's more than a wedding Chakotay." She insisted sadly.

"Then what?" he asked not really sure he followed what she was saying.

"Like you said we were married for five years! Because we loved each other." She told him sadly.

"Yes." He replied looking deep into her eyes trying to understand where she was coming from.

"And you promised that I would always be the one for you, that you would never leave me." she whispered as she looked down at their clasped hands as tears began to tremble from their eyes.

"Oh spirits Kathryn." He sighed painfully, knowing what she was getting at. Her pain was deep and he knew most of it was his fault.

"I wanted to end it, remember, I gave that back to you after we returned from New Earth." She told him sadly nodding at the necklace now lying on the bed beside her.

"Yes I know, and I convinced you that it was ok, that our love would be strong enough."

"But it wasn't" she told him as her watery blue eyes met with more tears. Chakotay's heart was breaking as he knelt before this woman.

Painfully he wrapped her in his arms and whispered, "it was Kathryn, it is, and I made a mistake."

"You couldn't even tell me about it!" she cried tearfully as she held tightly to his shirt as he hugged her. "When you found out Seven was pregnant with your child, you didn't come to me. How was our love strong then?"

"Kathryn I-" he began.

But Kathryn pulled away from him and angrily shook her head saying, "Don't Chakotay, I know you are sorry."

"So it's trust that means you wont say yes." He sighed heavily but his words only seemed to anger her.

Pinching her nose with her thumb and forefinger she closed her eyes and hissed angrily through her gritted teeth, "God Chakotay why to you have to be so black and white, it's more than trust, it's deeper than that."

"Tell me what I must do to prove I love you." He begged as he watched her pain and anger resurface.

"Nothing Chakotay, I already _know _you love me." she hissed at him with her eyes flashing dangerously.

He watched her for a second and then stood and began pacing the room around where she sat in bed, "I don't understand, what's the problem then?" He begged

"Please Chakotay, there is no problem, I just- it's just I don't-"

"Don't want to marry me?" he finished for her sadly when she seemed to be having trouble getting her words out.

"Will you god damn let me finish!" she shouted back at making him stop his pacing and turn to look at her. The two stared into each other's eyes angrily for a second. Both eyes blazing at the other. Chakotay opened his mouth to say something more.

Just as that second Tom came blazing in and interrupting them loudly apparently tonally unaware of what was going on between them, "Arrr the happy couple."

"Tom." Kathryn said stiffly turning to him without saying anymore to Chakotay who was still staring at her with him mouth slightly open and breathing heavily.

"Good to see you Kathryn!" he said with a big cheery grin as he went up to hug his older friend.

"Thanks Tom, it's good to be alive." Kathryn smiled but her smile didn't reach her eyes, something Tom failed to miss but which Chakotay did not. Chakotay was stood back near the door with temper rising as he watches Kathryn closely. She was avoiding his gaze and focusing on Tom.

"Sam and Naomi were in a it earlier but you were sleeping, I said they can come see you at the house later." Tom informed her as he took the seat next to her with a grin.

"Thanks Tom," she smiled turning to him and then stopped and drew her brows closer together saying "hang on inviting people to my home?"

Tom shot a glance at Chakotay who shifted into a defensive stance, something Kathryn did not miss as she looked from one man to the other. Slowly Tom began to explain, "well Kathryn, the thing is, B'Elanna and I thought maybe you would want to-"

"Stay with you guys?" Kathryn interrupted him as she glared at him and then at Chakotay and back at the younger man again, "Thanks Tom but I am not an invalid. I have a perfectly decent home thanks" she insisted.

Tom looked right at Chakotay where he stood looking awkwardly defensive and said to him "come on big man, back us up it was your idea!"

"Chakotay?" Snapped Kathryn as he rounded on the older man issuing her best scowl and Janeway death glare. Kathryn knew it had not effect on him but her temper was rising and she wanted him to know that.

"Kathryn I-" began Chakotay defensively. Stopping he looked at her sternly and snapped "will you stop scowling at me like that."

"How about the big guy stays at your house then?" asked Tom trying to find a compromise after realising the tension in the room had just mounted considerably.

"He has Children Tom," she snapped not taking her angry eyes from where Chakotay stood staring back at her. "They are not all going to fit in my small house, and No, before you even go there I will not move in with Chakotay and his brood."

"Whoa!" joked Tom with a smile, as he knew when to back off from Kathryn's anger. "Looks like she's going to be the one pulling the strings in this marriage." Tom was laughing to himself but soon realised the two were not laughing with him, something he had said wasn't really that funny.

"Thanks Tom!" Growled an extremely angry looking Chakotay while Kathryn was sat with tightened lips and evil narrowed eyes staring directly at Chakotay.

"Get out!" she hissed to the room at large, something neither of the men had expected.

"What?" asked a very shocked Tom as he looked at the older woman he cared a great deal about.

"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked her in compassion as he moved closer to her to try to calm her and take her hands lovingly in his.

"Will you both just get out!" she hissed at she shot Chakotay an angry wide-eyed look. "NOW!"

"Sorry, see you later Kathryn" Said Tom as he backed out of the door as quick as he could, he knew not to cross Kathryn when she got like this.

"Darling?" Chakotay asked her kneeling beside her.

"Don't you darling me, just leave me alone!" she yelled giving him a look at let him she meant it.


	36. I do again

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 36**

**I do… again.**

Chakotay slowly placed his wood carving on the table where he sat; somebody was knocking loudly on his front door. He had tried to ignore the unwanted visitor at first but they had persisted in knocking and were seemingly not about to go away. Angrily he stomped to the front door to pull it firmly open in order to give the intruding visitor a piece of his mind. As he angrily opened the door and looked out to see who dared disturb him when he was in a such a foul mood he was met by a the very beautiful face of none other than the tiny woman who had put him in his foul mood. Looking up at him with her desperate blue eyes she asked softly and slightly sheepishly, "May I come in?"

"You're supposed to be resting." He told her slightly sternly to show his disapproving of her being up and about.

"Yes well, I got board with that." She shrugged a little to casually for his liking as she told him "beside I wanted to see you and you never came to see me."

"You told me to get out." He reminded her, folding his arms in protest. If there was one thing Kathryn Janeway would do it was twist everything around so it was everybody else's fault and _never _her own, this time he was not going to let her do it.

"That was six hours ago Chakotay." She glared at him as though this explained it all.

"Right of course." He said softly was he simply stood by and watched her pushed past him and walk confidently into his sitting room without an invite. "Coffee?" he asked with a slight smile as he closed the front door.

"Yes, thanks." He heard her husky voice call from his sitting room.

A few seconds later he returned to his sitting room with two mugs in his hand. He was confronted with a very determined looking Kathryn pacing the floor looking at all the things on his extremely perfect looking walls and shelves. "Kathryn" I sighed heavily as he placed his own tea mug down and moved towards her with her coffee mug "will you do my nerves a favour and sit down?"

"Your nerves?" clearly confused as she turned to look at him.

"Yes my dear, you're supposed to be resting." He insisted as she reached out for the coffee and he refused to give it to her with a slight mischievous twinkle in his jet-black eyes.

"Oh right, sorry." She sighed slipping herself into the nearest armchair and telling him "you know resting is very boring when one had nobody to rest with."

"I imagine it is yes." He agreed slightly to nonchalantly for her liking.

"You imagine?" she snapped eyeing him with her narrowed eyes and folding her arms.

"Ok fine I know." He laughed handing her the coffee mug and turning to sit in his own chair and return to his carving in a pretence of being nonchalant at her arrival "So what do I owe this very beautiful pleasure?" he asked simply as he risked a glance at her sipping her coffee.

Kathryn took a long pause in which she deeply examined the contents of her coffee mug while he busied himself with his carving while he waited for her answer. Slowly and softly she raised her head and told him. "I wanted to say sorry."

Chakotay slowly placed his carving once more on the table and turned to face her, he found her eyes darting almost uncontrollably and slightly agitatedly around the room. "Kathryn?" he asked watching her with concern "Are you ok are you looking for something?"

Almost as though snapping from a trace she snapped "no!"

"Kathryn?" he asked still watching her closely.

"Look I came to say-" she began softly and not meeting his eyes.

"Your sorry, I know it's ok." She told her moving to sit on the soft arm of the armchair where she sat to show her he understood and to reassure him.

"Well yes that, but that wasn't what I was going to say." She sighed as she let her eyes meet with his silently begging him to let her finish.

"Sorry Kathryn, go on." he said gently looking into her eyes and stroking her soft hair.

"I came to say, yes." She said slightly heavily as she looked down at her feet.

"Yes?" he asked feeling confused.

"I would very much love to marry you," she whispered with watery eyes as she looked up once more to meet his eyes to gauge their reaction "if you will still have me."

"Are you serious Kathryn?" he gasped.

"Chakotay, I do, I really I do! I want to be your wife" she insisted as she searched deep into his eyes. "Again." As his eyes filled with love and the tears began to form there she placed the palm of her hand on his hand "but please promise me one thing?"

"Anything." He told her as he shifted his fingers to grasp her hand lovingly in his not breaking eye contact with her.

"Can we get it right this time?" she said with a slight smile as she watched him break into a huge smile with his dimples flashing.

"I intend to." He told her as he leaned in and silenced her smile with his. He wrapped his arms tightly around her waist and almost lifted her from her seat onto his lap. His tongue invaded her mouth and she wrapped her hands deep into his thick grey hair. Chakotay's hands found her bottom and squeezing them hard she writhed into him, the two felt young again. There kiss was one of passion, the most passionate they had shared in nearly twenty five years, the two who had always loved each other but been pulled so far apart but were now permitted and back together again.


	37. They are my children

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 37**

**They are my children.**

Kathryn's eyes fluttered open and for a split second she didn't realise where she was. Looking around frantically to get her bearings she found Chakotay looking down smiling at her, stoking her hair from her face he kissed her forehead and said "hi you."

"Chakotay?" she asked in a dry husky voice.

"You fell asleep, your still weak and need your rest." He told her as he continued to stroke her hair.

"How long have I been out?" she asked trying to sit up.

"Just a few hours" he told her as she sat up and he managed to slip into a sitting position behind her so that her back rested on her chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and kissed the top of her head.

"Oh" she said softly as she snuggled into him.

He gently began to stroke her arms and nuzzle her neck with his face "how is it going to work Chakotay?" Kathryn sighed heavily thinking as she stared into space.

"Don't you dare go back on me now." Chakotay asked looking down on his love with fear that she would walk out on him.

"Chakotay, I don't want to live another day without you." She told him lovingly turning over the lie on her front on his chest so her eyes could meet him.

"Then it will work." She smiled planting a gentle kiss on her lips and stoking her back lovingly.

"Chakotay?" she whispered up at him.

"Sush Kathryn" he told her lovingly trying to still her fears.

"No really Chakotay, what about your children?"

"What about them?" he asked her kissing her forehead "the brood isn't here if that's what you are worried about?"

"No, well yes, but I mean how will it work? With me and them." She asked tracing circles in his chest.

"They are going to need a mother, they have always needed a mother, a real mother." He told her as he watched her hopeful that she would want to take on the role.

"What's happening with Seven?" Kathryn asked out of compassion for the woman she did really care about.

"Starfleet security have her until the trial, then the judge will decide." a very angry Chakotay told her, Kathryn could feel his anger mounting at even the mention of her name.

Kathryn took his hand in hers and said lovingly "Chakotay, please don't be angry with her. She thought she was doing the right thing."

Chakotay looked down on the wide blue eyes of her searching face brushing the hair from her face he told her "Oh Kathryn, she tried to kill you."

"I know, but Chakotay please don't hate her, you are a man of peace." She begged cupping his face in her hand.

"Do you hate her Kathryn?" he asked looking seep into her eyes.

"No." Kathryn told him firmly and without hesitation. She looked up at him as she ay with his arms wrapped around her "I feel pain and sorrow for her."

"You're a great woman you know that don't you?" he told her proudly as he showed her his dimpled smile.

"Not sure about great" she shrugged with her own smile, "old and tried maybe but not great."

"Oh you are great." She told her as he leaned in for another kiss. He took her mouth just as passionately as before but slightly more gently as he let his hands roam through her hair.

As they parted Kathryn took a deep breath and looked away from her love slightly. Chakotay looked down on her as he continued to stroke her hair, he knew she was about to say something serious and so he waited for her to talk. "I want to go and see her." Kathryn told him cautiously knowing he was not going to like what she had to say.

"Who?" he asked her confused.

Kathryn reached up to softly stroke his face with her finder tip when it dawned on Chakotay who she meant he quickly grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand away from his face. He held her tightly as he looked shocked and angrily down in to her eyes, he was holding her firmly and would not let her go, even though she struggled with him. "Seven" she told him defiantly confirming his fears.

"Oh no Kathryn!" he told her in a matter-of-fact command voice. To anybody else they would have seen there was no arguing with this firm and strong man, bit not Kathryn Janeway.

She defiantly raised her head, met his eyes with confidence, set her haw and snapped, "well why not?"

"That little thing about her trying to kill you!" he hissed still holding tightly to her wrist and refusing to let her go though she struggled.

As she stilled her struggling she looked deep into his eyes and whispered softly "there was a time when I thought _you _were going to kill me." with her words he let go of her wrist immediately. Both looked down at he pale skin the see the angry red mark he had left there. Slowly Kathryn rubbed the sore skin with her hand as he watched with a pang of guilt in his heart. Slowly Kathryn continued "there was also the time I thought you were going to rape me, I still talk to you."

"You don't have to." He told her truthfully with great pain and sadness as he remembered all his anger had driven him to do to her over they years.

"No I don't," she agreed causing his face to look in horror at hers. She broke into a wide smiled and took his hand lovingly with the hand he had held tightly and she told him lovingly "but I do."

With love for her great strength and ability to forgive tears began to form in his eyes as he looked at her "and I love you for it." He whispered through his tears.

"Hummm I love you too." She smiled widely as he leaned up to claim him lips as hers. As the two parted from their loving kiss she held her face inches from his as he cupped his copper face in her pale hands. Staring deep into his loving eyes she told him "but I am a grown woman Chakotay, I have seen prison, don't you _ever _try to tell me whom I can and can't talk to." Chakotay merely stared into her eyes and didn't say a word, he felt great shame and regret for trying to control her. When she did not reply she planted a gentle loving kiss on his tattoo above his left eye she then drew back and rested her tiny hand on his chest where his heart was beating heavily, in passion or anger Kathryn did not know and she didn't dare ask. With a smile she did ask, "So when do your brood get in?"

Watching her closely Chakotay wrapped his arms around her and drew her to lie down on his chest where he stroked her long hair all the way down her back until his hands found her bottom once more and so found a firm resting place as she began to gently stroke her bottom where she law on him. When she didn't pull away he smiled and kissed her head telling her "we have a little while yet."

"What happened when they do get in?" she asked softly as she snuggled tighter into his chest.

"Well I would probably have to get them their dinner, Sanwee would be delighted to see you." He told her casually, he was just enjoying being in her company in this way.

"Just as long as I don't have to cook!" Kathryn shrieked as he headshot up to look in horror at him.

Chakotay broke into a hearty laugh as he saw the terror in her eyes, placing a tiny kiss on her beautiful lips he whispered with a smile "I would never inflict that on my children."

Kathryn scowled at him for a second and then asked as though deep in thought, "Have you told them?"

"Well I haven't had much chance to since you only agreed to marry me about three hours ago." He told her with a twinkle in his eye.

"I wasn't meaning that! I meant about their mother." She said trying to be serious as she stared into his eyes. Chakotay then saw a look of horror flash into her deep blue orbs as she gasped, grabbed his shirt with her fist and asked in terror "though now you mention it how do you think they would react to us?"

"They will love you, as their father does." He told her stroking her hair lovingly with one hand and kissing her cheek reassuringly with the other.

"Chakotay, you have to tell them about Seven." Kathryn told him seriously pulling away form him and looking deep into his eyes.

With those words Chakotay pulled away from Kathryn and rolled her over so that she was nest to hi rather than on top of him. He then stood and turned his back to her, as he angrily snapped "no I don't, not yet."

Kathryn watched his tense body stood with his back to her, Standing she came up behind him and began to wrap her arms around his waist as she whispered seductively in his ear "Chakotay-"

"It's not open for discussion Kathryn." He cut across her angrily as he took her hands and pulled them off him so he could walk away from her warm loving touch without even looking at her.

"OK fine Chakotay, they are your children, what do I know?" she snapped back in pain turning from him. She hated the fact he had children and she didn't. She had never been able to have children of her own thought she would have loved to have been a mother. On Voyager she used to dream of her own copper skinned children that looked just like their brave copper skinned father, it was a great pain to see those children, to see Sanwee's jet-black eyes and know those children were not her own. They were the children of Chakotay and another woman, which was the ultimate pain.

Chakotay saw the pain in her eyes as he reached out to grab her hand to make her look at him "Kathryn I didn't mean-" he began lovingly.

"But you did Chakotay." She insisted as she pulled from him and turned to the other side of the room. Chakotay didn't argue with her for sadly he knew she told the truth and he had seen the pain that truth had brought her.

"Kathryn, there is pain for all of us in this. It wont be easy but if we want it that much we can fight for it." He whispered coming to wrapper her tightly in his arms.

"And it starts with your children Chakotay, they have the right to know the truth." She insisted as she looked deep into his eyes as he let her back fall lovingly and trustingly into his steady embrace.

"You want me to tell my four year old daughter her mother tried to kill you?" he asked her quite seriously but trying to make his point.

"Well perhaps not like that." She sighed with a hint of a smile as she turned to look at the firm yet softly loving features of his face "but Trellah, she would want to know."

Chakotay nodded as she guided her to sit with him on the sofa once more "she's fast becoming a young woman, I blinked and missed her."

"How do you mean?" Kathryn asked taking his hand for reassurance.

Sadly Chakotay looked into her eyes as he told her "I was never around them, seven wouldn't let me be a daddy to them."

Kathryn though for a moment and let the silence linger in the room between the two until she asked "tell me about them, tell me about your relationship with Seven." Giving his hand a gentle squeeze urging him to tell her.

"Why does all that matter?" he asked drawing his brows together as he asked her in confutation causing his tattoo above his left eyes to distort.

"It matters to me and it will matter to your children." She told him softly resting her head on his shoulder as he thought what to say.

"Well as you know Trellah was a mistake, and angry night on Voyager."

"Chakotay darling" she said lifting her head to look into his eyes as she placed a delicate hand on his chest, "tell me you didn't tell her that?"

Sadly he looked at her and shook his head as he let his eyes wonder around the room, anywhere but her eyes. "No but I am sure Seven did."

Kathryn sighed a heavy sigh as she felt his pain, she asked out of compassion "well what is she like? What does she enjoy to do?"

"I don't know I don't think she _enjoys _anything." Chakotay told her and he guided her to rest her head on his shoulder once more.

Kathryn placed a loving hand on his knee she told him with a slight laugh "Chakotay she is a teenager, I don't think they tend to enjoy much, so does she have any boys in her eye?"

"Pardon?" he spat almost in horror at the idea.

"Boyfriend Chakotay, does she have a boyfriend?"

"She's Borg." He said stiffly.

"Hummm" Kathryn replied in thought. "What about Duva?"

"Duva, he's a little mischievous." Chakotay told her with a hint of pride in his voice for his son.

"Oh really?" smiled Kathryn but then her smile quickly went and was replaced by a look of terror "so I should watch out for him?"

"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked her lovingly.

"Yea?"

Pulling her away from his shoulder to look into her frightened eyes he stroked her cheek with the back of his hand and asked lovingly "why do you look so frightened?"

"Maybe because I am." She replied in truth.

"Frightened? You have no need to be."

"What if they don't like me." she insisted.

"I'll give them a good kick up the backside." He joked with his dimpled smile but when he saw she wasn't laughing with him he gave her a tight hug and said "Oh spirits Kathryn they will love you!"

"Maybe I should go home." Sighed Kathryn as she began to stand up for where she sat with him.

"Kathryn darling, you're going to have to face my children sooner or later." He told her as he watched her where she stood.

"Are you in custody of them?" she asked turning to him.

Chakotay rose to his full height and snapped defensively at her "they are my children, no matter what."

"Chakotay, back down, there's no need to be so defensive, I know they are your children, I would never ask you not to see them." She told him squeezing his arm for reassurance.

With a sigh he told her sadly "I suppose I am sad, I have been their father but not in the way I would have wished."

Kathryn was about to say something to reassure him when Trellah's stiff Borg like voice came from behind them "Father we have returned from our recreational walk." Causing both Kathryn and Chakotay to pull away from each other and look at the children. Kathryn's heart began to pound and her muscles began to tighten in fear.

"Kathryn!" Sanwee exclaimed as she ran up to Kathryn and wrapped her arms around her hips. "Have you come to teach me how to play guitar?"

Kathryn glanced at Chakotay and then at Duva and Trellah who was holding Hanhan, all eyes were on her. Slowly she looked down at the apprehensive four year old looking up at her, Kathryn knelt down to her level and said softly "maybe one day but not today sweet heart."

Chakotay took his daughters hand and guided her away from Kathryn saying, "Sanwee Kathryn isn't very well today."

"Are you sick?" Sanwee asked with her wide jet-black eyes looking right at her, identical to her fathers when he was concerned for her. The caused her to smile.

"A little." Kathryn nodded and then noticed the young boy who Kathryn had never met hovering near by staring right at her. "And you must be Duva." Kathryn said to him with a smile as she noticed how untidy his crop of jet-black hair on his head was.

"I am four of six." Stated the boy coldly.

"I see," whispered Kathryn as she glanced up at Chakotay who was looking down at his son sadly. She knew how much it pained Chakotay for his children to have designation as opposed to names. "Well it's a pleasure to meet you." She said with an eager smile turning back to the boy and offering him her hand to shake.

Duva looked her up and down once and tilted his head to examining her eyes with out taking her hand, he then told her matter-of-factly "you're the lady in the picture."

"What picture?" Kathryn asked him.

"The one that father keeps hidden in his box, he thinks nobody knows about it but I do. He takes your picture out everyday and he looks at it and cries, he always cries when he looks at your picture." Duva informed her which caused her to smile as she looked up at the slightly embarrassed Chakotay.

"Duva this is Kathryn." He said quickly, diverting the attention from his holo-image of Kathryn. The fact he didn't deny it told Kathryn what the boy said was true.

Kathryn turned her gaze from Chakotay who was at that point refusing to meet her eyes. She smiled at Duva as he asked, "how are you acquainted with my father?"

"We served together many years ago on a starship." She told him.

Before the boy had chance to say anything else, not that Kathryn was sure he was going to Chakotay's eldest stepped forward, offered her hand and said stiffly "Three of Six, Trellah."

Kathryn stood took the young woman's hand shake and nodded saying "yes I believe we have met once before, a few months back when your father was in Starfleet Medical."

"Indeed." Was all Trellah said in response.

Trellah nodded at Kathryn and then her father and said stiffly "if you excuse me I must see to my brother."

"Yes of course." Said Kathryn as she watched the fourteen year old carry the sleeping baby into the other room.

"Too Borg like for me." Whispered a sad Chakotay as he came up behind Kathryn and wrapped his arms around her. Kathryn noticed then the other two had also left the room; she was alone with Chakotay once more.

"Chakotay that's your daughter, this is your home." She whispered reminding him her could make it less Borg if he wanted to.

"Are you going to bring laughter into this house?" he asked her with a loving smile and a kiss as he turned her to face him.

"Chakotay, I can't stay the night, not with your children here." She gasped wide eyed and shaking her head.

"Kathryn, when we marry, I was hoping then at least you would stay the night." He told her slightly sarcastically but trying to make his point.

Kathryn looked into his eyes deeply for a second before she turned her face away and asked, "so you have a holo-picture of me?"

"Kathryn" he said firmly and sternly.

"Hummm." She asked giving off the air of innocence.

"I know you, you're trying to change the subject." He told her with mock annoyance in his voice as he wrapped his arms around her waist so she couldn't get away from his pretence of anger.

"Maybe." She laughed with a smile as she felt his firm grip tighten over her bottom and squeeze hard.

"You are naughty." He told her gently slapping her bottom with one hand and then tapping the tip of her nose with the other "and yes I do, it got me through these past fifteen years."

"A bright, observant son you have." She smiled at him with a laugh.

"Indeed." He agreed feeling slightly embarrassed that for many years he had not known his son had seen him.

"Have you eaten at least?" Chakotay asked letting go of her and walking into his kitchen.

With a heavy sigh she took his hand and turned him to face her, planting a gentle kiss on his lips she told him "Chakotay you need to spend time with your children, alone, talk to them about Seven, about me. I can return in the morning."

"I worry for you." He said cupping her face in his hands.

"Well don't, I will be fine." She smiled standing on her tiptoes so she could kiss his tattoo once more before turning and walking towards the front door so she could transport back to her own home "goodnight sweet heart." She called out as she dematerialized.

"Good night my fiancé." He called out with a smile just in time for her to hear.


	38. Are you sure you want to do this?

**Sorry for the delay in this one this site was having technical difficulties. Thank you all for the wonderful reviews, I am glad you are all enjoying it still.**

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 38**

**Are you sure you want to do this?**

As the brave Native American and his new fiancé walked up to the steps of to the Starfleet penal colony in New Zealand he took her hand and stopped walking so she would look at him as he asked lovingly "are you sure you want to do this?"

Her deep blue eyes searched his as she replied, "Are you saying you don't want me to?" Kathryn knew she needed to, she knew she wanted to but she would not do it in a second if he asked her not too.

"Kathryn" he said gently as he took her face in his hands "you know I would rather you didn't but I wont stop you."

To Kathryn that wasn't enough, his indifference meant nothing to her and it was infuriating "Will you stand with me?" she needed him there, she wanted him there.

Letting go of her he let his jet black eyes meet hers and she knew the answer before he even said a word. Hopeful she stared up at him as he told her "Kathryn, I am not like you, I can't forgive what she has done."

Slowly Kathryn closed her eyes and turned from the man she loved. Slowly she turned back to him and feeling quite vulnerable she looked up at him and shook her head as she whispered, "I didn't ask that, I asked would you stand with me."

Watching her closely for a second he felt his anger begin to well up in his heart and he began to breath heavily. Her soft loving eyes looked deep into his and he felt his heart melt for her, with a slight dimpled smile he reached out his hand to take her as he said lovingly "always."

With her signature crooked smile she placed her hand in his and watched him deeply "Chakotay, I don't do this to disobey you."

Brushing her hair with his free hand he told her "When last I looked this was a equal relationship."

"Then why do you look at me with anger?" she asked as she cupped his face lovingly in her free hand.

Taking her hand from his face he stroked both her hands with his thumbs and looking deep into her eyes he told her with a slight hint of shock in his voice "I don't look at you with anger my sweet heart, I look of you with worry. I really hope you know what you are doing." At his words Kathryn could see the deep and painful worry in his copper skinned face. His tattoo had been distorted as he looked at her with his brows drawn together and his eyes flashed with almost fear. When she didn't reply he looked at her as he whispered once more in a slightly gentler voice "Kathryn I hope you know what you are doing." He was searching her face for recrudescence.

Pulling from him for she knew she couldn't give that reassurance she turned slightly and muttered "no more than I did when I went to visit you in my brig all those years ago."

With a heavy painful sigh he knew she really didn't know what she was doing or how well it would work out. With a half dimpled smile he watched her and said, "you are a woman of chance. But that's why I love you, you never stop giving people second chances."

Thinking for a second her deadpan face stayed then slowly ever so slowly the corners of her lips twitched their way into her signature crocked smile as she told him "foolish is the word you are looking for."

Chakotay's eyes widened as he looked at her and asked, "So you regret giving me a second chance?"

Kathryn looked up at him and thought for a moment and then lovingly she told him "I don't regret giving you a single one of the second chances I have given you over the years."

Chakotay's heart softened at her words, he had pained her and hurt her so very much over the years. He had betrayed her, lied to her and left her and yet she had come so willingly back to him to freely offer her love. As he looked down at her he felt her love, with his dimpled smile his kissed her forehead as she tilted her face to look up at him. Drawing from her he took a large intake of breath as he turned towards the door to enter the visitors reception as he said softy "so, here goes."

It was then that fear suddenly washed over Kathryn. Quickly grabbing his hand and making him look at her she asked "are you sure about this?"

Turning he cupped her face in his hands and shook his head saying "no, not really but it's what you want."

With a tight knot in her gut she gulped feeling extremely vulnerable as she asked "are you sure you don't want to force me not to?"

Chakotay was torn, he knew she really wanted to do this and he understood why but he didn't like it, he didn't have her immense ability to forgive and give second chances and so he had his reservations about this meeting. He knew if he told her not to she wouldn't do it. Maybe it was fifteen years held in the very place they were now stood outside or maybe it was seven years of carrying such guilt and burden on her shoulders and always thinking she had to do it alone. Or maybe it simply was the great pain she had face long before Voyager but Kathryn Janeway the great captain of Voyager was too vulnerable these days, her stubborn streak was holding on by a thread and she liked to be told what to do. With a heavy sigh Chakotay knew what she wanted to was what she needed to do even if he didn't like it. "After you." He said to her as he gestured towards the door stepping just behind her and placing his loving hand on the small of her back as he used to do on Voyager when supporting her to do something difficult.

That was all Kathryn Janeway needed to step into the visitors section of the prison she was once incarcerated in. Stepping up to the straight-laced looking Starfleet ensign on reception Kathryn held her head high as she said in her usual husky command tone "Kathryn Janeway, this is Chakotay, we are here to visit prisoner 48283, Seven of Nine."

The receptionist looked coldly from Kathryn to Chakotay and back again and then turned to her computer terminal without a word.


	39. The truth

**A love lost and love's sacrifice.**

**The truth.**

**Chapter 39.**

Chakotay found himself striding down a deserted grey Starfleet corridor after his very angry looking fiancé. Kathryn was not striding she was stomping and rather too quickly for Chakotay's liking. "Kathryn darling, you didn't actually _have_ to say anything." He insisted which earned him an angry growl from the tiny beautiful woman a she turned her body to face him with he deep blue eyes now flashing with dangerous anger.

"Yes I did Chakotay." Kathryn hissed bitterly at him through gritted teeth. With a half glance at him with her famous Janeway death glare she turned and carried on angrily stopping before he had chance to say anything else. Chakotay realised it was now worse and immediately regretted saying a word to the fiery woman who seemed to full of far more fire in her older age than he ever remembered her being when she was a younger red head.

Deciding it was high time he took charge and tried to defuse the simmering situation. Chakotay who had been smiling a slight dimpled smile at her angry rant decided it was time to take a serious stance. "Kathryn!" he called catching up with her and placing his large steady hand on her shoulder turning her to look at him.

"What?" she snapped as she looked up at him with her blazing blue eyes.

"You're angry. You need to calm down!" he told her as he tried to calm the raging fire in her eyes sapphire though was he was himself raging and also filled with a great deal of pride for the woman he loved.

"And your not?" she said as she slammed her hands to her hips and looked at him with her brows drawn closer together, her jaw line set and her lips in a tight pout "Chakotay I thought you were going to punch her." She insisted as he looked.

With a dimpled smiled drawing on his lips he looked at her proudly and said, "I didn't need to, she quivered at the famous Janeway death glare."

"Famous Janeway death glare hu?" she asked with her own crocked smile forming on the lips.

"Your mother had it too." He told her remember Gretchen Janeway could stare out the room and leave him feeling more frightened than Kathryn ever could. When Kathryn's angry eyes filled with tears and her face distorted in pain Chakotay knew what he had done leading him to feel great pain for her "oh Kathryn" he whispered sadly as he watched her "I am so sorry, I should never have said anything."

"I do miss her Chakotay." Kathryn told him sadly with a painful nod.

Chakotay's heart sank as he saw her pain. She had been through so much pain and this was just another hurtful thing she was going through. Taking her in his arms and holding him in her tight embrace he asked in a calm and steady voice "are you sad you missed the funeral?"

Quivering into his brave chest her tears fell as she nodded and told him "I think so" pulling away and looking up at him with her deep, sad watery eyes she gave him her crocked smile and said softly "I am proud you went in my stead though."

"It was my honour." He told her with deep love and pride as he stroked her face to wipe away her tears.

Taking in a deep intake of breath she looked up at him and said in her usual husky voice, "come on lets get this over with and you can punch that receptionist as we leave." With that she patted his chest with her delicate hand before turning and continuing down the corridor.

"Yes ma'am." He replied with his dimpled smile as he turned to walk with him. Kathryn began to hesitate as she drew near to the door behind witch was the cell that contained Seven. Her usual confident command mask was down and extremely vulnerable Kathryn was there instead. Noticing this Chakotay once more placed his steady comforting hand on the small of her back and whispered seductively in her ear "Kathryn, I am right here with you."

"I know." She replied with a smile as she raised her head and let her confidence well back into her heart at his touch and loving words. She took a huge intake of breath with her hands on her hips stepping forward so the door automatically opened for her.

As Kathryn stepped into the room closely followed by Chakotay she nodded at the security officer who she in fact recognised from when she had been held in that very prison. As soon as the two entered Seven of Nine stood behind to force field. As the blue eyes of both the stubborn women met Seven said coolly "Ms. Janeway."

"Seven of Nine." Kathryn nodded saying in a stiff husky voice.

"I have been expecting you." Seven told her not taking her unemotional eyes from the older woman who was now staring at her with a set face

"You have?" Kathryn asked looking slightly taken aback by this revelation from her former Borg crewmember.

"Indeed." Seven told her coldly "ever since I was informed you survived."

With a shrug and a slight proud smile Kathryn informed her "little bit of patch work from the doc."

"But not good as new." Seven replied softly, which made Kathryn's smile wipe from her face to be replaced by a not so impressed scowl.

Chakotay looked from Seven to Kathryn and knew straight away that Kathryn understood exactly what his estranged wife was referring to. "Kathryn?" Chakotay said slowly, when Kathryn did not reply she merely continued to stare at Seven Chakotay grabbed her by the shoulder and forced her to turn to face him as he gasped in wide-eyed horror "what is she talking about?"

"Chakotay please." Snapped Kathryn giving him her best Janeway death glare which of course had no effect, it never had. Snapping her head back to Seven she growled in a husky voice "perhaps not Seven so go on tell me what you know."

"I know that's my husband you stand here with." Seven stated coldly.

Kathryn dared to take a glance at Chakotay who was now breathing heavily and angrily into her neck giving her a sure sign that she was in trouble when they got out of here. As he saw her glance at him he growled something in her ear that she couldn't make out and gently tapped her bottom with his firm hand. To Chakotay the great captain of Voyager liked to be in command, which sometimes he allowed but not when her _'Do it alone command tactic'_ got them all into trouble, for Chakotay that was when he reasserted the Alpha Male inside him.

Knowing she was in trouble Kathryn took a large gulp and then turned back to the offending Borg and hissed in her own angry tone "Why Seven, tell me why?"

Seven looked at Kathryn as though this was obvious and said, "You are disrupting my collective, and it is time to deactivate you."

"But you failed!" Yelled Chakotay with a stiff growl.

"Failure is unacceptable, I have not failed."

"Kathryn is still here" Chakotay exclaimed at his wife."

"Not for long." Seven stated as she turned to looked at her confused husband. "She is dying, there is very little you can do to stop it."

Kathryn set her face and looked right at Seven with her hands on her hips. She was completely avoiding her fiancé's shocked stare, his anger at the rude and uncooperative receptionist would be nothing because his shock was about to turn to an angry rage when he realised Kathryn _knew_ she now only had a matter of weeks to live.


	40. Marry me

**A love lost and love's sacrifice.**

**Chapter 40.**

**Marry me.**

"You don't have to keep looking at me like _that." _Snapped an angry Kathryn as he lowered her book and placed it gently on her lap. She had been trying to read it for the last hour but her fiancé had been putting her off simply by taking an angry stance across the room and glaring at her to show his menace.

"So are you going to start talking to me?" he asked trying to keep his anger down just enough to sound civilised to her.

"No." she said simply as she rose from her chair "I am going home."

Chakotay rose with her but still keeping his distance "I don't want you to." He told her but she had already begun to walk towards the front door.

Hands on hips and a death glare across her face she turned round and took in the anger in the eyes of the proud Native American Steadily she set her eyes on his and told him "I am not your daughter, you don't get to tell me what to do." Her eyes were blazing with fire but so were Chakotay's as he looked back at her unwavering "Your daughter's fifteenth birthday is tomorrow, form what B'Elanna tells me she has never had a birthday party, I think it's high time you gave her one." With those words she spun on her heal and walked towards the front door once more as tears began to form in her eyes.

"Kathryn" he growled showing he was not joking and that he fully intended to stop her from leaving.

Kathryn halted for just a second before she held her head high, set her jaw, took a large in take of breath and took another deliberate step towards his front door but the native American was faster than she. Within a second he was in front of her blocking her path and staring firmly into her eyes. Kathryn slowly folded her arms and looked up at him as she said stiffly "Chakotay, it's been nine hours since we returned from our visit to see Seven, you have said little more than three sentences to me. I get the point, you are angry with me. Frankly you are pissing me off right now. I see little reason for me to remain in _your _home if you want talk to me! So please, and I ask nicely, please get out of my way."

"Why Kathryn?" He asked her without moving his stance from blocking her path.

"Because I want to go home." She hissed through her own gritted teeth.

His eyes blazed with anger as he took hold of her wrist firmly refusing to let go as she thought with him. He angrily led her to the sofa as he made her sit and look up at him "Not until you tell me why."

When he finally let go of her wrist she jumped straight to her feet and met his angry eyes with her own as he held her head high saying, "Because I knew it would break you, I didn't want to hurt you."

"Hurt me!" he growled "did you not think that when the love of my life went to the happy hunting grounds _that _in it's self might have hurt me?"

"Look Chakotay, I am sorry I didn't tell you, but what difference does it make, I am dying, your wife poisoned me, it is slowly working it's way through my organs, soon they will all fail in turn, including my heart." She was spitting at him now and feeling the pain as he talked. Chakotay watched her and couldn't decide if he was angry or hurt. Right then he wasn't sure it mattered. Stepping forward and stroking her face gently with his fingertips he felt love in his heart as he touched her. "I should have told you, I am sorry."

"Tell me there is something the doctor can do?" Chakotay asked her with his begging eyes, he had seen this woman carry such enormous pain and never really complain, now he hoped there was even a glimmer of hope for her life.

Kathryn's sad sapphire eyes looked up at him as she smiled and said, "there is one thing you can do, marry me."

"Kathryn" he whispered as tears welled in his eyes "you know I will marry you, we will get it right this time, a beautiful big wedding, you in a beautiful white dress, me in my traditional tribal clothes. All our friends will be there and we will have bridesmaids and a best man. Phoebe and my sister will be there, it will be perfection."

"Perfection?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"The none Borg kind of perfection." He smiled at her.

"Tell me Chakotay, tell me about our wedding" She whispered as she stepped forward and wrapped her loving arms around his neck and stood on her tiptoes to kiss his lips.


	41. A little concerned

**A love lost and love's sacrifice.**

**Chapter 41**

**A little concerned.**

"Kathryn, this is beautiful! Is this your idea?" A smiling B'Elanna asked as she stepped up behind Kathryn and handed her a mug of coffee as the older woman turned to face her. Kathryn's face lit up with a smile at the sight of her old friend.

With a twinkle in her eye she replied, "Well since you told me Trellah has never had a birthday party I thought it was high time she did."

B'Elanna laughed at the caring side of her old captain and told her "I think she loves it." The two women laughed as they watched the fifteen year old dancing the night away trying to get any of the men regardless of age to dance with her on the dance floor.

"How about you guys? It's been a while since I saw you." Kathryn asked placing a loving hand on B'Elanna's shoulder and leading her out onto the balcony of Chakotay's home away from the noise of the party.

"It's same old with us really. Miral is getting to be a bit of a pain. You and the big man should come over for dinner sometime this week maybe you could talk some sense into my almost sixteen year old!" Growled the half Klingon.

"I- that is to say _we_ would love to." Smiled Kathryn.

It didn't escape B'Elanna's notice that Kathryn was looking a little frail and was beginning to feel concern "How are you feeling?"

"Better. Thanks B'Elanna." Kathryn Janeway tried to shrug off.

B'Elanna could tell her old commanding officer was trying to brush her off and in fact there was something more seriously wrong with Kathyrn but decided against saying anything. With a smile B'Elanna asked, "So what's all this about you and the big man getting married?"

Kathryn's eyes flashed with joy at the mention of her upcoming wedding as he smiled widely at the younger woman and asked joyfully "will you be there?"

"We wouldn't miss it for the world!" B'Elanna told her as she embraced her in a hug "so he and Seven are officially ended?"

"I hope so." shrugged Kathryn in a not o bothered kind of way though he really wanted to beam with a huge smile.

"Oh Kathyrn!" laughed B'Elanna as she once more drew her friend into a embrace "I am so happy for you both."

"He hasn't told his kids yet, we were going to tell them in the morning." Kathryn told her cautiously trying to ask her friend not to say anything to Chakotay's children.

"Together?" B'Elanna asked her smiling as she drew from her to look into her friend's joyful blue eyes.

"Yea" smiled Kathryn as she nodded at her friend. She was feeling warmth and joy inside her heart. Finally she was getting what she wanted in life and she actually felt she deserved it.

"Oh Kathryn, I am so happy for you, you are just the mother they need." B'Elanna told her reassuringly as she placed a loving hand on Kathryn's arm. Than with a laugh she glanced back into the house towards the dance floor and told her "though I would give Trellah a few hours lie in before you tell her!"

"Oh, she maybe a teenager but she gets up early, it's the Borg in her." Kathryn informed her with a roll of her eyes and a twinkle of a smile.

"Unlike a Klingon teenager you mean?" growled B'Elanna as she glanced at Miral who was little over a year older than Trellah and was sat sulking and clearly not enjoying herself in the way that the birthday girl was. "No I just meant the hang over. If you remember the way her mother was with alcohol, in this case the Borg in her may let her down."

"She isn't drinking alcohol." Insisted Kathryn and then realised she didn't actually know. As her eyes widened and she shot her head to back at the young woman she asked in horror "is she?"

"Kathyrn! She's fifteen at her first ever party!" laughed B'Elanna who thought it was funny as she had all ready been through parenting a teenager, "Of course she's drinking alcohol!"

"B'Elana?" Kathyrn said slowly as she turned back to her half Klingon friend.

B'Elanna looked at her in reply and realised she was being serious and wiped the smile from her face saying "Yea?"

"You wouldn't tell her father would you?" Kathryn asked meeting her eyes with her own.

"I wouldn't dream of it!" laughed B'Elanna who didn't want to even think how Chakotay would react to the notion of his fifteen year old daughter drinking alcohol. Though she was finding it funny that Kathyrn was seemingly not at all bothered.

"Thanks." Whispered Kathyrn with a smile as she placed her hand on B'Elanna's arm and let out an intake of breath she didn't even know she was holding in. She too was not sure she liked what Chakotay would do if he realised his eldest daughter was drinking alcohol and to make it worse that Kathyrn knew and hadn't stopped her.

"Oh you know Kathryn can you believe it?"

"What?" Kathryn asked her friend as she stood and looked out into the night air across Chakotay's beautiful and perfected garden.

"Seven months have gone by since you were released." B'Elanna reminded her as she stood besides her also looking out at the garden below.

With a sigh Kathryn nodded. Then a small smile began to draw on her face as she turned to B'Elanna and laughed saying "It feels like yesterday I was walking up your garden path and your Miral wanted to phaser a whole in my head."

"Yes well, she takes after her mother in the home protection department." B'Elanna told her slightly too proudly Kathryn felt.

"Just as long as she doesn't take after her father in his taste of holodeck programs." Kathryn joked as she thought back to _the adventures of Captain Proton. _

"Admit it, you _loved _playing Arachnia." B'Elanna told her friend as she pointed at her to make her point.

"Maybe, just a little." Snorted Kathryn, which lead to B'Elanna laughing hysterically and swatting her arm. After the two women had stopped laughing Kathyrn asked seriously "B'Elanna?"

"Yea?"

"Will you keep a secret?"

"Of course." Agreed a wide-eyed B'Elanna who was staring at the older woman desperate to know what she was about to say.

Kathryn looked at her friend slightly shiftily and then with a smirk told her "Chakotay and I used to go on the holodeck and play Toms Captain Proton program."

"Oh? Really?" Gasped B'Elanna with a full-blown smile.

"Yea, I think Chakotay liked me in _that_ dress." Teased Kathryn, which made both the women erupt into hysterical laughter remembering the dress Kathyrn had worn to play her part of Arachnia, Queen of the spider people in Tom's holonovel.

"I bet he did." B'Elanna managed to say between fits of laughter "lets just say there was far more cleavage on show than Chakotay had ever dreamed and I am not too sure he knew where to put his eyes." Which again made both the woman laugh loudly. When the laughter finally subsided B'Elanna asked seriously "So what else did you guys get up to on Thursday night's while you were busy being married and the rest of us didn't know about it."

"Well we-"

"What are you two ladies doing out here?" came Chakotay deep voice from the doorway to the balcony causing both of the ladies to turn and look at him.

With a slight awkward glance at each other Kathyrn snorted and said seriously "talking about you dear." Which then made them both erupt into laughter once more right in front of him.

"I see." He said looking from one to the other in confusion. Settling his eyes on the laughing Klingon he asked stiffly "B'Elanna my a steal my fiancé for a minute, I need to have words with her."

"Sure, don't mind me." sniggered B'Elanna as she walked past him back into the house with a mischievous glance back at the two of them as Chakotay moved towards Kathyrn.

"B'E, we'll catch up later." Kathryn called at her friend, the mood in the room had suddenly gone sour and neither Kathryn nor B'Elanna could really think what was so hysterical about Chakotay as he looked upon Kathryn in that dress with all her cleavage on show.

"Sure." B'Elanna called back as she left the two if them to it.

Slowly Kathyrn turned to Chakotay and placed her hands on her hips saying in a deep husky voice "That was really rude."

"I am worried about you." Whispered Chakotay without the slightest bit of concern for what she had just said.

"There is no need to be!" Snapped Kathyrn.

"Kathryn you-" began Chakotay in his gentle defence.

"Look Chakotay, I know your worried and I love you for it but I can not live this way." She told him as she softened her resolve just slightly as she saw the worry in his eyes.

"Kathyrn?" he asked softly.

"Sweet heart your adorable when you worry but it's suffocating." She sighed as he reached up to plant a gentle kiss on his cheek and run her hand lovingly through his hair.

"Kathryn, the brain is an organ." He sated softly and Kathryn's heart sank at his words.

Kathryn knew exactly what he was getting at and she too was living in dread of what he was referring to but she decided it would be better to play being uninterested "Chakotay?" she whispered softly in question as she drew from him.

"If all you organs are failing, your brain must be failing too." He told her with great pain in his voice. Kathryn saw the pain and felt it too, she had been feeling the something but had not wanted to think on it for she had rather thought of all the wonderful things she had in her happy, free and new life with the love of her life, her soul mate.

"Did you just call me crazy?" he laughed making pretence of being annoyed with her hands on her hips.

"You are infuriating woman." Growled Chakotay as he ran the tips of his fingers through his hair.

"Chakotay darling, would you love me any less if I did become crazy?" she asked him seriously as her blue eyes stared longingly up at him.

"I could never love you any less my dear." He told her truthfully with deep love in his eyes.

"Hummm, is that so?" she asked with a cheeky grin as he wrapped her arms around his neck, stood on her tiptoes and rubbed the tip of her nose with his.

"Yes it is." He told her as he closed the tiny gap between their lips and took her mercilessly for his own.


	42. The night before the big day

**A love lost and love's sacrifice.**

**Chapter 42**

**The night before the big day.**

**I just want to thank all you lovely readers for the wonderful and encouraging reviews you have been giving this story. I am glad you have all been enjoying it and hope you will continue to join me in hoping our lovely leading lady gets the break she deserves soon!... It's coming I promise! Thanks x**

"Chakotay?" the deep husky voice of the woman he loved rang in his ears.

Slowly turned to face her as saw her deep sapphire eyes looking at him with worry from where she stood in to door way to his sitting room "Kathryn?" he ask as he placed his wood carving down on the table before him. His heart filled with worry as he looked at her tiny pale frame stood staring across the room at him. "Darling are you OK?" he asked with deep concern as he moved towards his completely unexpected late night visitor.

"Yea." She whispered with a nod. Looking up at him with her watery eyes and feeling slightly guilty for letting herself into his home without announcing her presence she took his hands in her and told him "I just needed to see you."

With a slight sigh of relief he told her lovingly "Kathryn you're supposed to be at Tom and B'Elanna's."

"I know bad look to see the bride the night before the wedding." She said feeling slightly awkward as she pulled form him and bit her bottom lip.

With a hint of a dimpled smile forming on his mouth her wrapped him arms around her and took her into a tight embrace as he stoked her hair and reassuringly told her "That's your people's tradition not mine."

"Right." She sighed relaxing into him a little and wrapping her own arms around his body to cling tightly to his shirt.

"Kathryn?" he asked with concern as his smile disappeared and was replaced with a serious look when he realised she was clinging so tightly to him and sobbing uncontrollably into his chest.

"Are you sure about this?" she whispered in a deep saddened voice as she pulled from him to let her blue eyes meet with his with a look of horror written across her face.

Almost in shock he asked in his own horror "are you not?" with deep jet black eyes were full of fear as he looked at his wife to be with worry that she was pulling out on him. Right then the brave Native American could think of no other reason she would show up on the eve before their wedding unannounced and looking so fearful.

"Yes I am, of course I am." She gasped back her wide blue eyed searching his but letting his heart relax as he was reassured by her words.

"You know I am." He told her reassuring her as she had him "Kathryn tomorrow we marry and you become my wife." He told her proudly as he stoked the side of her face lovingly with his fingertips.

"Is that what you want?" she asked him looking for reassurance one last time.

"More than anything." Chakotay told her as he stepped in closer to her and kissed her lips. As their lips joined Kathryn once more wrapped her arms around his neck and took his lips in deep passion. As Chakotay drew from her for air he gazed into her eyes slightly hazily with love before he managed to say, "It's what Sanwee wants too."

"She does?" gasped Kathryn as she ran the tips of her fingers over his tattoo above his left eye, in the morning she would once more take the necklace baring that mark, his tribal mark and they would once more be joined in marriage.

"Look," he said with a nod and a very large dimpled smile as he handed her a child's drawing. Standing just behind her he placed his hand gently on the small of her back and stroked to offer support as she looked down with tearful eyes at the drawing.

"Oh Chakotay." She whispered with a mixture of joyful and sad tears in her eyes. Kathryn didn't really know how she felt as she looked at the drawing of Sanwee and Chakotay with his other children and her, she Kathryn was sat with them in the drawing.

"It's her family." He told her as he wrapped one arm around her shoulder and kissed her head.

Kathryn looked down at the drawing once more and though she felt warmth in her heart for Sanwee drawing her as her mother Kathryn shook her head and with a heavy sigh handed the drawing back to Chakotay saying in a deep husky voice "Chakotay, Seven is still her mother."

"Kathryn." Chakotay said softly as he watched her carry great pain.

"Chakotay I can't be the mother of your children, I am not their mother." Kathryn's tearful husky voice reminded him sadly.

"Kathryn Sanwee wants you in her family" he told her as he took her hand in his and brushed away her tears with the other. "Duva and Trellah too and Hanhan will grow to know your love and care. That's what I want, we want. Laughter, joy and love in our lives."

"Your forgetting one small thing." She told him pulling away and looking sadly out his window.

"Not forgetting, certainly not forgetting and it is not by any means small." He told her softly as he came and began to run his fingers gently through her silky grey hair.

"You talk as though you forget I am dying." She told him sadly as she relaxed her back into his brave and loving chest.

"Is that want you came here to talk about?" he asked her as he ran his hand gently up and down her relaxed arms and kiss the top of her head from where he stood behind her looking out of the window.

After what felt to Chakotay like an eternity of a pause she whispered softly "can we just get married in the morning first."

"I was counting on it." He told her with an honest smile and conviction in his voice.

"Fine." He said with a stiff nod as she walked off to move back towards his front door to leave.

"Fine?" he asked watching her about to leave his home.

"I'll see you in the morning then." She said to him with a quick glance over her shoulder.

"Kathryn, why did you come here?" he called after her feeling both worried and confused.

"It didn't feel right." She told him sadly as she stopped walking towards his door and turned to face him.

"What didn't?" he asked lovingly with worry as he stepped towards her to try to embrace her but she pulled away.

As she pulled away she said hurriedly with a shrug "I am not sure I know, I just had to see you."

"And you are OK now?" he said slowly watching her closely.

"See you in the morning my beloved." She said with her blue eyes blazing with love and her tiny rose colour lips tilting into a tiny smile.

"See you darling." She said still watching her closely. With those words she turned and left his house in order to transport from his garden path to Tom and B'Elanna's garden path. She was gone and Chakotay couldn't help but feel a slight hint of worry for her as he returned to his carving he had left on the table.

When Kathryn rematerilized in the Torres-Paris' front garden she took a step forward to open the front door and enter the house when the door was slammed open with a loud bang and an extremely angry looking half-Kingon stepped out into the night air "Where the hell have you been?" she snapped arms folded and a blazing look of anger in her brown eyes.

"I had to see him." Was all Kathryn said as she pushed past her old chief engineer to enter her house. Kathryn was clearly not at all fazed or bothered by B'Elanna's display of anger or disapproval.

"Now?" hissed B'Elanna rolling her eyes and closing her front door to follow her old friend into the kitchen knowing her display of Klingon anger would do nothing for the head strong ex-captain before her, some would say her anger was even more dangerous. "Kathryn?" she asked her friend softly out of concern.

"What?" Kathryn asked as she removed her coat and moved towards the replicator as though her 1am visit to her fiancé the night before their wedding was completely normal.

"Kathryn your are getting married in the morning, you need to rest."

"Oh all right, one coffee and then I am off to bed." Kathryn said with a nod as she turned from the replicator holding a huge mug of hot black coffee like a prize.

"Kathryn how-" began an infuriated B'Elanna as she tried to grab the offending liquid from her friends' hand.

"B'Elanna!" Yelled Kathryn with her own eyes blazing with anger. B'Elanna at that point backed off with her hands high above her head in surrender and feeling annoyed with herself for even _trying _to remove coffee from the hands of Kathryn Janeway, hot, fresh, black coffee at that.

"Kathryn how do you expect to sleep if you put coffee inside you at this time of night?" B'Elanna said feeling her could still at least _try _to make her point.

Kathryn turned to look at her friend with a mischievous twinkle in her eye as she asked with a crooked smile "B'Elanna, it's the night before my wedding, do you really expect me to sleep?"

"Hummm" was all B'Elanna could say to that, she had lost the battle. Deciding to go for another tact she asked softly "So what did he say?"

"Who say?" Kathryn asked looking confused as she looked at B'Elanna over the rim of the offending coffee mug out of which she had just taken a large gulp.

"Chakotay, when you went to see him."

"Not much," shrugged Kathryn "I just needed to know I was doing the right thing."

"Why would you not be?" B'Elanna asked her with a very confused expression on her face.

"I just had to be sure." Sighed Kathryn as she turned to stare at the garden out the window.

"Kathryn?" B'Elanna asked her softly.

"Hummm?" Kathryn asked absentmindedly as she took yet another sip of her coffee.

"You sure your alright?"

"Fine." She whispered. Then sadly she turned to look at her friend with tears in her eyes and said, "Ok not so fine but I don't really know what to do about it."

"Well what's the problem?" B'Elanna asked her softly.

"Chakotay had children." Kathryn stated.

"Yea." Said B'Elanna softly feeling she was still waiting for the explanation of what was bothering her.

"Yea" Said Kathryn stiffly as she took a seat at the kitchen table across from her friend "that's it, that's the problem."

"Because they are not yours?" Asked B'Elanna.

"Sort of." shrugged Kathryn who wasn't really sure what her problem was.

B'Elanna reached across the table and took her friends hand in hers saying "Kathryn, you saw Sanwee for the last three weeks she has been telling anybody who would listen then _you _were marrying her daddy and how wonderful it was." Giving her hand a squeeze which caused Kathryn to smile slightly through her tears at the memory of it, B'Elanna then went on to reassure her friend "Kathryn since you came into her life she calls him daddy and she laughs." As Kathryn looked up at her friend with her wide blue eyes at shock of her words for Kathryn had not seen it B'Elanna nodded and smiled saying "Kathryn they all love you Trellah and Duva too."

"What if I let them get close and then have to leave them so soon." Whispered Kathryn feeling her pain as her tears fell from her deeply pained blue eyes.

"Kathryn?" Asked B'Elanna confused as she looked at her friend with her brow drawn closer together "were are you planning on going?"

"No where." Shrugged Kathryn once more looking absentmindedly out of the window. "But what if there was a chance but because of my own fear I didn't pursue it?"

"A chance for what?" Asked B'Elanna looking at her friend with deep confusion as she shook her head at her.

"Do you really think he wants to marry me?" Kathryn asked her friend turning her head to face her with her wide blue eyes.

"I don't think it I know it." B'Elanna told her as she stood and took the now empty coffee mug from her "Maybe you should get a good nights sleep, things will seem better in the morning, I remember the night before Tom and I married, I spent most of the night in Chakotay's quarters going over and over the same ground again and again. In the end the big man sent me to bed, it was all fine in the morning."

With a snort and a little laugh Kathryn stood as said "Maybe your right."

As Kathryn turned to leave the kitchen to go to bed a concerned B'Elanna called out "Kathryn"

"Yea?" she asked turning to face her half-Klingon friend.

"Good night." B'Elanna smiled.

"Goodnight" Kathryn smiled back as she turned to leave. With much on her mind that night Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway lay her head on her pillow with the knowledge that in the morning all her dreams would come true and it was about time too- or so she thought. In the morning she would Marry Chakotay Hache-hi Kaga, the first son of Kolopak, her dream.


	43. The bride of Chaotica, or not

**HERE IT IS! …. THE LONG AWATED NEXT CHAPTER! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND PATICENCE AND UNDERSTANDING IN WAITNG FOR THIS! I KNOW I SAID LAST FRIDAY AND IT'S NOW THURSDAY!... SO VERY SORRY ABOUT THAT. I HAVE HAD A SUDDEN DEATH IN THE FAMILY AND IT SET ME BACK BUT I AM BACK ON IT SO HERE IT IS!...**

**A love lost and love's sacrifice**

**Chapter 43.**

**The bride of ****chaotica… or not…**

B'Elanna Torres marched into the bedroom and flung open the curtains allowing the sun light to shine it's early morning glare on the sleeping form in the bed. With a grumble the blue eyes of the sleeping woman began to open but then snapped tight shut again when the light hit them "B'Elanna what the hell are you doing?" Kathryn asked feeling slightly annoyed at the interruption of her dream.

"Getting you up." Snapped B'Elanna as she folded her arms and looked sternly down at her sleepy friend.

"Why?" Hissed Kathryn as she forced herself to sit up and begin to rub the sleep from her eyes.

"Because today you marry the love of your life." Smiled B'Elanna as she joined her friend sitting on the bed.

"Yea, I meant why are you dragging me up at the crack of dawn?" Hissed Kathryn as she turned to meet her friend's stern dark eyes.

B'Elanna sternly reminded her friend "Because there is lots to do, if you hadn't gone walking about around Indiana on late night house calls or drinking coffee you would be OK."

"Oh all right point made!" Yelled Kathryn and she threw back the bad covers and stood up in her pink nightgown "I am up!"

"Good!" smiled B'Elanna as she looked her older friend up and down "Kathryn, come here" a very tearful B'Elanna asked as she stretched her hands out to embrace Kathryn.

"Why are you crying B'Elanna?" Kathryn asked her as she embraced her friend. She had rarely seen the half Klingon crying and she knew it had to be something very important to make her cry in this way.

"I never thought I would see the day. I know you and I haven't always seen eye to eye but I am glad this day is happening." Laughed B'Elanna through her tears.

"thank you, so am I, who ever would have thought it, to complete enemies joining in this way." Smiled Kathryn as she wrapped her self in her warm robe and slipped her feet into her slippers.

"you know Kathryn I don't think Chakotay ever saw you as his enemy, he fell for you the moment you appeared on our view screen" B'Elanna told her to which Kathryn gave her friend a sly glance and then left the bedroom to walk to the kitchen.

B'Elanna followed her friend and watched her as she paced the kitchen floor. Quickly Kathryn turned to face her friend as sharply asked "today's the day B'Elanna are you sure I am doing the right thing?"

"Kathryn?" B'Elanna asked feeling worried for her friend. "you were saying this last night, are yousure?"

"he is." Kathryn told her through tearful eyes.

"yes I know that for sure but are _you_?" B'Elanna asked her forcefully.

"Maybe he was better off with seven." Mumbled Kathryn as she turned away from her friend.

"Yea with his little Borg collective." Growled the half-Klingon. She stepped forward and took the hands of the older woman and waited till she turned her deep blue eyes to face her before she said "Kathryn those kids need a mother, and your it."

"but I am not-" began a very pain filled Kathryn

"They want you to be, he wants you to be." Insisted B'Elanna reassuring her friend.

"Trellah looks so like Seven, if it wasn't for her tanned skin and dark hair you wouldn't know she was his." Both women knew Kathryn was just grabbing at anything now. Yes it was true Trellah did look like her mother more than her father but both knew that had nothing to with Kathryn marring Chakotay.

"Go and get yourself a long Bath, I'll bring you a mug of hot black coffee up there." Reassured B'Elanna

"I am going to need it" sighed Kathryn as she turned and walked out the kitchen. With a heavy sigh she turned and whispered "both of them."

After a wonderful and relaxing bath in which Kathryn nearly fell asleep once more she smiled at the hot mug of coffee, which B'Elanna had left for her in the bedroom. As she quietly slipped down the stairs feeling a lot calmer and refreshed she was ready to take on the world. She was going to marry Chakotay that day! It was then as she reached the bottom of the stairs she heard _his _voice saying "- She was like this last night." Which made her stop dead in her tracks. What the hell was Chakotay doing here?

"did she really go to see you then?" She heard B'Elanna ask.

As Chakotay's voice replied saying "yea, just showed up, let herself in." Kathryn silently peered through the door into the sitting room and realised B'Elanna was talking to her fiancé in the comm line.

"was she Ok? What did she want?" Asked B'Elanna sounding quite annoyed which made Kathryn too feel annoyed.

"I am not sure, what is she doing now?" came Chakotay's heavy voice.

"having a bath I think, Chakotay I am worried." Replied B'Elanna.

"Do you want me to come over?" Chakotay asked to which Kathryn's heart nearly stopped and she froze. She so desperately wanted to see him, to rest in his arms but she needed to marry him first. She loved him and it was then she realised really all those doubts were stripped away.

"NO!" Kathryn heard B'Elanna exclaim which allowed her to let out a sigh, she didn't want or need to see him before the wedding.

"Ok…" Chakotay said softly and slowly.

"You can't it's the morning of your wedding." Came B'Elanna's reply.

The conversation was beginning to infuriate Kathryn and when Chakotay replied with "yea but if something isn't right I should be with her." She knew enough was enough.

She pulled the plug on the communicator and the scream went black. B'Elanna looked up and exclaimed "What the-" but came face to face to Kathryn's famous death glare "Kathryn!" B'Elanna growled feeling angry herself.

"Have a nice chat with my husband to be?" Asked Kathryn in a sly sarcastic voice.

"Kathryn I am worried about you, so is he." Sighed B'Elanna as she sunk back into her chair because she couldn't be bother to be annoyed with the older woman stood before her looking deathly angry.

"There is no need to be." Kathryn muttered throwing the power lead still in her hand down and walking to the other side of the sitting room to relax into one of the armchairs. When she looked over and saw B'Elanna was still staring at her she rolled her eyes and said slightly infuriated "look it's like you say, today I will marry the man of my dreams."

"Ok…" replied B'Elanna slowly clearly not convinced by her friends sudden change of attitude.

The two friends sat in silence for a while B'Elanna watching Kathryn closely and Kathryn staring stiffly up at the ceiling. Suddenly the still silence was broken buy Kathryn standing as she said in her old command tone "Look just get back on there and tell him I said he better be on time!"

"Well what are you going to do?" Asked B'Elanna standing too.

"Get in a pretty white dress" Kathryn told her hurriedly over her shoulder "With a little help from Sanwee and Trellah." And with that she left the room living a stunned B'Elanna.

"Kathryn?" A worried B'Elanna called after her friend as she chased her up the stairs

"B'Elanna, it's going to be ok, pre-wedding nerves that's all." Kathryn told her as she turned to reassure her friend.

Over the other side of Indiana Chakotay was pacing his sitting room floor. He had tried to comm B'Elanna back for the last ten minutes but still no joy came of that. He was getting very worried now. Deep in thought he scowled as Tom entered the room and spared his arms wide for all to see. When his stupid grin failed to attract any reaction from his friends she demanded "Well?"

"Are you really going to go dressed like that?" snapped Chakotay.

"What's wrong with it?" asked a wounded Tom.

"It's my wedding day Tom." Growled Chakotay as he looked the younger man up and down.

"Does he think I have forgotten?" Tom grumbled to Harry Kim who looked very uncomfortable at being drawn into it.

"Tom!" hissed Chakotay warningly.

"Oh all right!" Said Tom as she dragged the Twentieth Century leather jacket off and threw it on the sofa "Captain proton won't be going to the ball, but you know it would be so much better if you went dressed as Chaotica!"

Chakotay drew his brows together and stared at Tom for a while before he said "I am not sure Kathryn would think so!"

"Why not?" Said Tom in a cheery voice and laughingly said "She did agree to marry him once!"

"Hummm." Came Chakotay's stiff reply before he stormed of into the kitchen to make a hot mug of herbal tea.

"What's his problem?" a very confused Tom asked as he turned to look at Harry "What!" he exclaimed as he realised Harry was giving him a stern look. "Harry stop looking at me like that!" Tom exclaimed clearly not aware there was a problem to which Harry rolled his eyes and walked off leaving Tom stood alone in Chakotay's sitting room looking stunned.

Chakotay sat sipping his tea and couldn't help thinking the worst for this day, things were not right with Kathryn. She was dying and there seemed to be nothing they could do about it. All he wanted to do was to proudly hold in his arms as his wife.


	44. Let's get this show on the road

**A love lost and love's sacrifice.**

**Chapter 44.**

**Let's get this show on the road.**

Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway walked cautiously into B'Elanna's sitting room. The half Klingon looked up and met her friends blue eyes as her eyes filled with tears "That, Kathryn, is perfection and Chakotay will think so too." B'Elanna whispered, as she looked the slender older woman up and down who she stood before her in a magnificent white silk gown.

"You think?" Kathryn asked needing reassuring as she tumbled with the skirt of the gown with her hands.

"I know." B'Elanna insisted taking Kathryn's hands firmly in hers and smiling broadly at her uncomfortable friend.

"I don't look too old?" The grey haired Kathryn asked trying to get a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

"You look wonderful." B'Elanna insisted as she looked at the elegant white gown that complimented both Kathryn's slender, delicate figure and her mature age but still kept the essence of who she was inside, the fun jovial Katie Janeway. "Your mother would have been proud."

"So would my dad." Kathryn sighed heavily, it was not often that Kathryn talked of her parents and B'Elanna knew that.

Taking the opportunity B'Elanna took a deep breath and cautiously announced, "I know your sad they can't be here, there is however somebody whom Chakotay made sure _was_ here."

"Who?" Kathryn asked her wide eyed and confused.

"Hay there big sis!" came a voice from behind Kathryn. It was a voice Kathryn knew so well, the voice of a woman she hadn't seen since before she left Earth for deep space nine to take Voyager on a three week mission twenty three years ago.

Feeling like her heart had stopped a beet Kathryn asked quietly "Phoebe?" as she slowly turned to face the woman who had spoken.

Kathryn barely had time to take in the appetence of the radiant blue eyed, blonde haired woman before her before she was pulled into a tight embrace and her little sister had shrieked "Katie!" in her ear.

"Oh my gosh, I don't believe it, I can't believe it!" yelled Kathryn as she felt her little sisters skin against her own.

"It is me." Phoebe insisted as she drew back from the hug to let her older sister look her in the eyes but still she held on to her shoulder.

"But how did you-? Began a still extremely shocked and emotional Kathryn. She was trebling with joy ad disbelief.

"Chakotay arranged it all." Phoebe informed her "We did only just get here though."

"Oh Phoebe!" laughed Kathryn as tears of joy streamed down her face.

Gently stroking her the white laced arms of her shocked ad tearful sister phoebe told her "you better stop crying you'll mess up that white dress."

"My little sister shows up after I haven't seen her in twenty three years and all she cares about is a stupid white dress." Sniffed Kathryn with a wide smile.

"Your wedding dress, and you look gorgeous Katie, really you do!" Phoebe told her honestly.

"How's Mike and the kids?" a slightly too self-conscious Kathryn asked.

Phoebe laughed loudly knowing her sister was trying to divert the attention from herself "They're great, you'll love them, I can't wait for you to meet them in person, none of this long range communication."

"I can't wait either!" agreed Kathryn who had talked with her brother-in-law Mike and her two young nieces and nephew over the comm line over the last year since her release from prison but with phoebe and her family living far off world it wasn't always easy.

"Who's walking you down the isle?"

"Owen." Kathryn informed her as she began to play with her long grey hair as she stared at her older self in the mirror.

"Paris? Something's haven't changed then?" Asked phoebe rolling her eyes as she joined her sister at the mirror and tried to help her sort her hair out.

"What's that?" snapped Kathryn turning to face her little sister and giving her a scowl.

"Still seeing Owen Paris as a replacement for dad." Shrugged phoebe remembering the relationship the two had especially at the time of their fathers death.

"It's not like that, and besides me and Owen have hardly seen each other in the year since I came out." Insisted Kathryn though in a way she knew her sister was right. Then with a deep and honest sigh Kathryn turned to look back at her weary eyes in the mirror and said sadly "well actually I haven't seen much of anybody, it's been hard, you know trying to find life again after so long."

"You have been seeing Chakotay." Smile phoebe as her tranquil blue eyes met with her sisters deeper blue eyes as they looked at each other in the mirror.

"That wasn't always easy." Kathryn said as she looked down at the white dress she wore and once more wondered if she was doing the right thing "and no I didn't for a while."

"No?" asked Phoebe slightly shocked

"No" replied Kathryn heavily turning to face her sister "and anyway back to Owen." She said hurriedly which phoebe scowled at knowing she was changing the subject but didn't protest. "You know he was on the panel of Admirals who set me up with the plea bargain?" Kathryn asked.

"No? Really? Owen Paris?" even phoebe was shocked. She had never really like Owen herself but she had always seen him as a good man, a firm man who demanded a lot but a good man no the less.

"I haven't ever truly understood what happened there, I think it was all because Tom and Miral were tied up in it." Admitted Kathryn sadly then with a hurried and shocked look she gasped saying, "Don't tell Tom though will you?"

"Tom doesn't know?" gasped the younger of the two women; even phoebe was surprised by this news.

"I am not sure." Admitted Kathryn, the two had hardly talked of it, in fact Kathryn came to realise she had hardly talk to anybody about anything since her release. They were all too polite to ask, even her dearest Chakotay. And there were some she had hardly seen. They were all there for her while she was very ill in hospital and she had pushed them away since, it took her wedding day, the return of her sister and the knowledge that she wouldn't live another year to make her realise all of this.

"Wow Kathryn." Gasped Phoebe still stunned at the news that Owen was involved and that she had kept this a secret from Tom. As phoebe looked at her older sister she saw the conflicted pain and confusion draw across Kathryn's face. "Come here." Whispered phoebe as she drew her tearful sister into another tight hug "you have carried a lot, I wish I was there for you." Phoebe said with a heavy heart, which made Kathryn shake her head at her sister.

"Don't be stupid, I am the big sister, I should have carried more for you but I was off being the ships captain." Insisted a tearful Kathryn carrying the regrets of missing the last twenty-three years of her sister's life.

"And a damn good job you did too." Insisted phoebe proudly referring to her sister the ships captain.

"You weren't there phoebe, it wasn't easy!" Kathryn admitted heavily still filling the heavy weight of guilt she bared on her shoulders and not at all feeling that her fifteen years in the penal colony made up for the gilt she believed she carried. The plea bargain was just as much a set up trap as it was Kathryn believing she _was_ guilty and so believing she deserved to be in the penal colony. This was something only Kathryn knew, and only Chakotay had realised, everyone else believed Kathryn had pleaded guilty solely on the setup and for the sole purpose of freeing her crew.

"No it wasn't easy but you did it, and you got your ship home, your crew love you and today you marry your first officer, it's a fairy tail ending." Smiled Phoebe not fully understanding what was going round in her big sisters head, then again she never did, and who ever did?

"Almost." Whispered Kathryn turning from her sister and clearly showing pain in her voice.

"Kathryn?" Phoebe asked her concerned.

"It's noting." Snapped Kathryn as she turned back to her little sister with a forced smile.

"Not it's not nothing, you're hiding something." Insisted Phoebe as she blocked her sisters path not allowing her to walk away "so spill, tell me."

"I have to make sure Sanwee is ready, she's my beautiful little flower girl." Insisted Kathryn a she tried to get past the insistent, scowling little sister.

"Arr yes, the children of that strapping native American fiancé of yours." Smiled Phoebe but still not letting Kathryn past for she knew her big sister was only changing the subject from something important.

"Thanks phoebe" smile Kathryn as she embraced her sister tightly like she was about to loose her. "No really Phoebe thanks. Thanks for coming"

B'Elanna came into the room again and said cautiously "Kathryn, I am sorry to break up the reunion, Owen is here, Trellah and Sanwee are just about ready, we need to get your hair done and then we are ready to get down there."

Pulling from Phoebe Kathryn gasped "Oh gosh, what time is it already?" as the two Janeway woman looked at B'Elanna Kathryn gasped "I hope you got back on the comm to Chakotay and told him everything was all right."

"Calm down, it's all going to go smoothly, now sit here while I sort your hair out." B'Elanna reassured her as she directed Kathryn to a seat.

"I'll get the coffee on." phoebe told them as she made her way to the kitchen leaving the two friends alone.

"B'Elanna I am scared." Whispered Kathryn as B'Elanna began to sort her hair out.

"Why?"

"After all this time I am not sure I can marry him, there's been too much pain between us." Kathryn said tearfully even though she knew now that was really an excuse.

"Stop it Kathryn you're made for each other." Insisted B'Elanna.

"But B'Elanna-" began Kathryn sadly.

Cutting across Kathryn B'Elanna asked, "What's wrong Kathryn?" she was trying her best to be compassionate and supportive towards her friend.

"B'Elanna the thing is" Began Kathryn slowly "well I am not sure I can be the wife and mother they need, I might not be around long enough."

"Kathryn?" B'Elanna asked shocked and confused needing clarification.

With a large intake of breath Kathryn decided she needed to tell her friend the truth "I-"

"Kathryn!" Shrieked Sanwee as she came bounding into the room and giving her future stepmother a large joyful hug.

"Hello sweetheart." Smiled Kathryn as she returned the hug and looked up at B'Elanna who was sternly staring down at her with confusion and worry.

"You look like a queen." Smiled Sanwee.

"A queen?" laughed Kathryn as she planted a kiss on the child's face.

"Yes and I look like a princess" insisted the little girl as she spun around in her rather beautiful purple dress.

"Yes you do." Laughed Kathryn as she stood up.

"There's going to be a wedding!" a very excitable Sanwee exclaimed as she left the room bounding into the kitchen to get a drink.

"You can't argue with the princess." B'Elanna whispered in Kathryn's ear to make a point.

Before Kathryn could reply a man's voice interrupted her "Kathryn."

"Owen." Exclaimed Kathryn as she embraced the now elderly man before her.

"You and I haven't always seen eye to eye, and I think I upset that fiancé of yours while you were in hospital." Owen told her as she looked deeply into her Janeway blue eyes.

"He doesn't mean it, he was angry and lashing out." Shrugged Kathryn though she would make a point of asking Chakotay about that, he had never told her that Owen had been to see her in hospital.

"For my part in what Starfleet did to you-" began Owen sadly and sincerely.

Kathryn shook her head and interrupted him "it was a plea bargain, I chose to plead guilty."

"The admiralty set you up." Insisted Owen.

"For what?" snapped Kathryn, her will to be patient was bending slightly now.

"Pardon?" asked Owen slightly shocked at Kathryn's sudden change to anger.

"Tell me Owen, tell me why I watched fifteen years of my life disappear in that god forsaken penal colony." Kathryn was yelling now and even Owen dared not defy her.

"The federation had to do something." Owen admitted sadly as he hung his head in shame.

"The federation welcomed us as heroes!" exclaimed Kathryn referring to the people of the federation not Starfleet and the pollutions "hell Owen you even helped Barkley with the pathfinder project. What I don't get is what was in it for you?"

"My hands were tied, they had my son and my granddaughter." Admitted Owen confirming really what Kathryn already knew. Owens's words softened Kathryn's resolve just a little. Deep down she knew she would do the same; she had done similar things in the Delta Quadrant for the protection of her crew. Really her actions, the actions she had been sent to prison for were no better than what Owen had done.

With a heavy sigh Kathryn closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. "Owen Paris, will you do me the honour of giving me away this day?" she said as her watery eyes met his.

"The honour is mine, Edward and Gretchen would have been proud to be here, I am proud to be here in their stead." Owen replied with a slightly more relaxed smile.

"Come on" laughed Kathryn as she took Owen in a hug "we better be getting there, I have a Native American to marry."

"All set?" asked B'Elanna as she came to the door or the sitting room.

"Ready" nodded Kathryn as she and Owen stepped into the hallway where Phoebe was stood with little Sanwee. Terellah was talking to Miral and Naomi, all dressed as beautiful bridesmaids.

"Hello you three." Smiled Kathryn as she quickly went over the greet the three young women.

"Kathryn you look lovely" smiled Miral.

"Perfection" nodded Trellah.

"Coming from you it's an honour." Smiled Kathryn as her heart warmed by the word from her soon to be stepdaughter.

"I can't and won't call you my mother for you are not." stated Trellah.

"No I am not, nor would I wish to claim such a position, your mother is a wonderful woman and one I was very close with for a time." Kathryn told her as she looked into the eyes of the sixteen-year-old daughter of Chakotay and Seven of Nine.

"My mother speaks highly of you, as do I." stated Treallah "I would very much like you as part of my collective."

"Well thank you." Smiled Kathryn, she was truly honoured by such welcoming by the Borg like daughter of Chakotay.

"Can I call you mum?" Asked and excited Sanwee.

"Well darling" said Kathryn as she knelt to meet the eyes of the young girl, eyes so identical to her fathers "You have a mother, Seven of Nine she is and always will be your mother, maybe just call me Kathryn for now and we will see what your daddy and mummy say." She planted a gentle kiss on the raven hair of the little girl "Ok?" she asked.

"Ok Queen Kathryn." Smiled the child.

"Ready?" asked Naomi as she helped her former captain to stand.

"Ready" agreed Kathryn as she smiled at the assembled group and with a deep breath took Owen's out stretched arm as the others took their places behind the blushing bride and her elegant white dress "Lets get this show on the road." And with those words she lead the party outside into the front lawn so that they could all be transported to the secret place Chakotay had chosen for the wedding to take place. A place Kathryn literally had no idea where she was going to end up as she rematerialized, all she knew was that she could end up finally married the Chakotay.


	45. How could you?

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 45.**

**How could you?**

Kathryn and her wedding party rematerialized on the shores of an extremely beautiful vast Lake, the weather was warm and the air fresh. Looking around Kathryn's face broke into a wide smile "B'Elanna am I where I think I am?" she asked needing clarification.

"Lake Georgia." B'Elanna informed her looking from the vast beautiful blue lake to the wondrous blue eyes of her friend.

"Yea I thought I was." Replied Kathryn almost laughing with joy.

"Chakotay insisted it would be special to you." Owen told her as he supported the arm of his surrogate daughter.

"It is." Smiled B'Elanna with a wide smile and a nod "the weather is nice, just how I remember it."

B'Elanna turned quickly from the lake back to Kathryn's face and asked almost in shock "have you been here before?"

"Only on the holodeck," admitted Kathryn "in the lonely times, Chakotay used to bring me, he would cheer me up. We always said when we got back to earth we would go, it would be like our little paradise."

"That's so lovely." Smiled Phoebe as she came to stand beside her sister and wrap her arm around her.

"It was our first real date I suppose, lake Georgia. We went sailing." Smiled Kathryn as she looked out across the sunlit lake.

"And what a gorgeous blushing bride we have here." Came the voice of a man Kathryn really didn't want to see at that moment though he was a friend.

"Doctor." Kathryn said stiffly as she turned to face the balding hologram whom she had been avoiding for the past several weeks.

"Long time no see Kathryn." The doctor said casually, a little too casually which told Kathryn he was making a point.

"I have been busy." Kathryn informed him stiffly.

He looked at her for a long moment, all eyes were on Kathryn but she knew something about the way the doctor looked at her was not a good sign. "Can I have a word?" The doctor said and Kathryn knew then it was not a request but a demand.

"What?" demanded Kathryn in her best command tone trying hard to keep the upper hand in the whole situation.

"In private." Insisted the Doctor taking her arm from Owen Paris and guiding her away from her gathered wedding party.

Realising that she really had no choice unless she wanted to make a fuss and draw attention to the problem minutes before her wedding service she drew herself tall, squared her shoulders, set her jaw and said "one minute doctor." In her famous Janeway command voice.

Once the two were far enough away from the confused and interested eyes and ears of the wedding party the doctor asked in all seriousness "have you thought anymore about what I said?"

"I can't it's too risky and you know it." Hissed Kathryn in her usual insistent tone which all of her former crew knew was Kathryn's way of trying to convince herself more than them.

"What does Chakotay say?" the doctor asked with conviction feeling sure her soon to be husband would not have agreed to sit and do nothing when there was a tiny chance.

Turning quickly away from the doctor Kathryn mumbled, "I haven't told him." She too knew if Chakotay knew the full truth he would stop at nothing to try to save her.

"You haven't?" gasped the doctor feeling slight surprised and taken aback by this news.

"No and you wont either." Snapped Kathryn.

The doctor chose to ignore Kathryn's insistent demand and instead told her "Kathryn, he has a right to know."

"There is no chance." Insisted Kathryn as tears began to form in her eyes.

"Kathryn you are about to walk up that isle and marry him, he at least has the chance to know there is a way to save-"

"No doctor, I can't and I wont." Kathryn snapped right across the doctor's words.

Turning to face her worried face the doctor narrowed his eyes and asked, "what are you afraid of?"

"Do you mind." She hissed in her famous warning voice to let the doctor know he had gone too far and she wasn't going to put up with him for much longer.

"You wont admit your weakness' but everybody else sees it." The doctor told her which in Kathryn's mind had sealed his fate, this conversation was over.

"I think you have said enough doctor." She hissed, "Excuse me." and with that she stormed off to the very edge of the lake to pear in at her reflection.

A very confused B'Elanna and Phoebe looked from Kathryn back to the doctor as she came up beside them as he mumbled "you try to save them and what do they give you in return?" his full sarcastic tone was back as he looked right at Phoebe Janeway as he answered his own question "a stubborn big headedness that's what." Shaking his head and storming off he said, "Captains make the worst patients."

"What did the doctor want?" B'Elanna asked sensitively as she came up behind her friend.

"Humm?" asked Kathryn absentmindedly and then realising what she meant said almost as thought to wave her friend off "oh nothing, for me to go on a fools errand."

"Kathryn?" B'Elanna asked compassionately.

"What?"

"Kathryn are you Ok?"

"Fine." Snapped Kathryn and then with a heavy burdened sigh said in a gentler voice "look I am fine really, now come on I have a wedding to take part in."

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Owen asked as he looked at the now pale face and watery eyes of Kathryn.

"Owen I have never been more sure of anything in my life." Insisted Kathryn with a stern nod as she wiped her eyes dry.

"Considering how stubborn you are that's probably a good thing." Smiled Owen Paris as he guided her round the corner where she was able to see the crowds of people sat in rows waiting for the ceremony to begin.

"Oh my God." Gasped Kathryn in shock of the sheer number of people gathered for her wedding.

"What?" Asked B'Elanna unsure what the problem was.

"All those people." Retorted B'Elanna.

"What about them?" B'Elanna asked eyeing her friend cautiously from the corner of her eye. "They are here for your wedding."

"Good god B'Elanna most of the Voyager crew are here!" gasped Kathryn as her deep blue eyes wondered around the crowd of chattering people.

"All of the Voyager crew and their families are here." B'Elanna informed her with a beaming smile.

"I thought-" began Kathryn and then stopped feeling rather silly "well I thought it was going to be a quiet little ceremony."

"Chakotay said you wanted this." B'Elanna told her looking rather confused as she looked from the crowed of people back to her friends stunned and worried face.

"Well I suppose I did," whispered Kathryn nodding still with her eyes transfixed on the large gathered crowd.

"Kathryn, are you going to be ok?" Phoebe asked with worry looking from her sister to B'Elanna who was looked at Phoebe equally as worried as she was.

"Come on." Nodded Kathryn with a determined step forward.

Owen moved in to take her arm just as Tom appeared from nowhere and asked "Right are you lovely ladies ready."

"Tom." Beamed Kathryn as she went to embrace the younger man in a very smart best man tuxedo.

"Kathryn" Tom smiled widely as she loudly greeted her and embraced her. "Looking lovely as ever!"

"Thanks." Kathryn tried to smile as she hugged him back but all the while her mind was on the words the doctor had spoken, maybe Chakotay did have a right to know the truth, she was about to marry him after all.

"I told Chakotay you should come dressed as Arachnia and he as Chaotica!" laughed Tom.

B'Elanna erupted into uncontrollable laughter at her husband's words as she remembered the conversation she and Kathryn had a few weeks ago of Chakotay's love for Kathryn's cleavage in the Arachnia dress. When Kathryn issued her friend with a 'Janeway death glare' B'Elanna snorted loudly, coughed to try to hold in her laughter and mumbled "Sorry." but even Kathryn's lips were beginning to curve into a smile as Tom's words and the idea of it.

"Any last chance to be captain Proton." Kathryn laughed as she swatted Toms arm.

"Oh please don't encourage him!" Sighed B'Elanna trying to take a more serious stance in the conversation now.

Tom laughed and shook his head at his wife before he said more seriously "you two ladies really got Chakotay worked up last night and this morning."

"I know, sorry." Said Kathryn as she looked at him and wiped the smile from her lips. Placing her hand delicately on Tom's chest she asked with worry "is he ok now?"

"He's OK, calmed down, worked through his worry and anger," nodded Tm to reassure her "he's waiting for you." He took Kathryn's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze when he saw the worry in her eyes. "All is ok the brave warrior is talking to the president of Earth right now." He said with a smile and then looked with confusion as all colour drained from Kathryn's face.

"What?" she gulped loudly "the Doctor?" shacking her head she asked almost in terror "why is he talking to the doctor?"

"The doc came to talk to him, in private, took him aside, I guess to wish the big man well." Said Tom looking to B'Elanna to give him some indication why the bride suddenly looked as though her were about to faint but B'Elanna looked just as worried and confused as she did.

"Oh god." Gasped Kathryn as she stumbled only to be caught just in time by Owen who was looking at his son and Daughter-in-law with confusion. "How did he look?" Kathryn demanded "angry?"

"Who? The doctor?" asked Tom trying to support her standing up.

"No Chakotay." Snapped Kathryn as though this was obvious.

"I don't know." Shrugged Tom looking even more confused.

"Well think." Kathryn snapped back at him as she rubbed her forehead and glared at him with fear not anger.

"I don't know, serious maybe." Said Tom looking more worried as he saw the fear in Kathryn's blue eyes.

"Serious?" she repeated clearly demanding more.

"Yea, maybe worried, or angry. I don't know. Does it matter?" asked Tom beginning to feel flustered and worried himself.

"Oh god." Sighed Kathryn. Owen took charge and guided Kathryn out of sight from the others to sit down and regain her strength.

"Kathryn?" Called Phoebe who came back over having noticed something was wrong with her sister.

"Is she OK?" phoebe asked Tom "what did you say to her?"

"I don't know, nothing really." Shrugged Tom looking from Phoebe to B'Elanna insistently. Both woman were staring at him, clearly not believing what he was saying "I only said Chakotay was talking with the doctor." Tom insisted, "then she went all funny."

"Funny?" came a deep growl from behind them.

All three turned quickly to look at the stern angry face of the proud Native American. "Chakotay?" Tom asked moving slowly towards him, any fool could see she was in a raging anger, much as Kathryn had suspected. Tom knew nobody would dare cross Chakotay when he was in this state.

"Where is she?" growled Chakotay stiffly.

"Owen has taken her to sit down." Phoebe said feeling defensive of her sister.

"I want a word with her." Chakotay told the younger of the two Janeway women.

"Chakotay, she is about to marry you." Stepped in Tom who was clearly confused by what was going on, as was the rest of the party. Trellah, Miral and Naomi were looking over now from where they stood a small distance for the adults, Trellah was trying to keep her little sister Sanwee occupied so she wouldn't become aware of hat was going on.

"NOW! Tom." Growled Chakotay in such an angry way that Tom was forced to physically take a step back.

"Whoa Chakotay what's up?" Tom asked extremely shocked as he raised his hands in a defensive stance.

"A stubborn, big headed, self righteous, infuriating, inconsiderate lying little woman, that's what's up." Snapped Chakotay causing everyone to stare at him in shock; nobody dared speak waiting for him to explain further.

When Chakotay said no more just glared at the gathered party with his fists clenched and his breathing firm and loud Tom braved the angry Native American to ask the question they were all thinking "What? Who?"

Before Chakotay could answer Tom a deep husky voice came quietly from behind them answering the question for Chakotay "me."

"Kathryn?" gasped Phoebe as she looked from her older sister who was stood tall and firm staring at her soon to be husband who was now staring back a her looking as though he was about to pounce on her. The way he stood staring at her reminded Kathryn of the early day's, the man Chakotay used to be, the angry warrior, the man nobody could tame and who all feared.

Drawing herself to her fullest height which was nothing on the tall, broad Native American she squared herself up to him and said in her calm husky voice "You want to talk lets talk" then letting out a grown of her own she finished "but not here."

Staring angrily and unwavering at her Chakotay demanded "Why? you don't want these good people to know the truth?"

"Don't Chakotay." Kathryn sighed feeling ever so slightly deflated and weak against him.

"Kathryn what is he talking about?" B'Elanna asked almost shocked as well as confused by the whole situation. All could hear a slight tremble in her voice and all knew it took a lot to worry the half klingon.

"Chakotay please." Pleaded Kathryn, begin Chakotay not to talk in front of their friends. Tears where forming in the fail woman's eyes as she stood dressed in her wedding dress but feeling naked and ashamed stood before her soon to be husband as his angry eyes stared at her.

"Why Kathryn?" he growled not defusing his anger at all.

"Chakotay this is our wedding day, lake Georgia, just as I dreamed." She was almost begging him now; the tears were streaming down her face in full force as she trembled where she stood.

"We dreamed Kathryn, that's all we did, dream." He spat at her in obvious disgust. Everyone else present were shocked and taken aback by Chakotay's attitude and words.

"I don't understand." Whispered a wide eyes tearful Kathryn as she trembled and looked fearfully at the man she loved.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he snapped in a menacing growl but before she had chance to respond he retorted back for her "oh that's right you never do!"

"Chakotay?" she asked in utter confusion.

"Is it what you want?" he was shaking now as his fists clenched with anger "were you just waiting for it?" as he asked her he stepped towards her forcing her to back up. The Torres-Paris' took a defensive stance either side of Kathryn. Naomi took Sanwee away from the scene as Trellah looked at her father in disgust and shock.

"What?" asked an extremely confused and tearful Kathryn.

"The happy hutting grounds." retorted an exteemly angry Chakotay.

Kathryn stopped dead in her tracks and stared right into his angry jet-black eyes, she had seen anger and hatred there many times before but never had she dreamed she would see it this way on her wedding day. Never had she dreamed he would accuse her of what he just had, of _wanting _to die! Of choosing to die! "What?" she gasped almost staggered by his accusation "How could you?" she was hurt very badly now, there were times she had wanted to die, even she had tried to kill herself but never had he accused her, he had sat with her and supported her and brought her from her depression. Now here she was devastated by the news of her health situation and he stood accusing her of _wanting _it and _choosing _it!

"Kathryn?" Phoebe asked her sister in confusion and fear unsure of what Chakotay's words meant.

Kathryn's eyes filled with tears as Chakotay drew himself close to her and hissed in her face "you and your independence have gone too far this time, I can't understand you and I don't think I ever will."

"Chakotay!" She called and pleaded as she watched him walk away "Chakotay!"

Slowly he turned to watch her break down in tears but he would not let his heart soften, he would not give in to his deep love for her, she had used him for the last time as far as he was concerned "go back to you whole and wait to die, that's what you want isn't it?" and with those words he was gone.

"Chakotay!" she cried out almost in pain but it did no good in returning him to her.

"What the hell just happened?" asked a very bewildered Tom.

"Shut up Tom." Growled B'Elanna as she helped Kathryn stagger away from the crowd to sit back where she had been sat with Owen before.

"What is he talking about Kathryn?" Phoebe asked lovingly as she handed her tearful sister a cold glass of water to sip "The happy hunting grounds?"

"The happy hunting grounds are where the people of his tribe go after death, the afterlife." Kathryn said sobbing and she sipped her drink and tried desperately to stop herself from completely falling apart and breaking down.

"What has that got to do with you?" Tom asked, all eyes were on the tearful Kathryn now waiting for a reply.

Before she had chance to say anything Harry Kim came bounding up and said to Tom "I don't understand, Chakotay just transported home."

"Harry!" Yelled B'Elanna as she gave him a glare.

"Well he did." insisted Harry and then it dawned on his as Kathryn stood and locked her watery eyes on him "Oh" sighed Harry as he backed off from the hurt and determined looking Kathryn.

"I'll go talk to him, see what the problem is" B'Elanna told Kathryn resting a hand reassuringly on her shoulder.

Kathryn shook her head "no" she said forcefully making everyone look at her "I know what the problem is."

"You do?" gasped B'Elanna as everyone else exchanged confused and shocked glances.

Kathryn turned to her friend and tearfully insisted "I was scared B'Elanna, you have to believe me, it was fear." And with that Kathryn hitched up her white dress around her ankles and walked off.

"Kathryn?" a stunned and confused B'Elanna asked but Kathryn had already walked from her sight, to where none of them knew.


	46. I was scared

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 46.**

**I was scared.**

Kathryn Janeway stood in his garden watching him from behind. The proud Native American was stood facing the oak trees that lined his land. Kathryn was sure he was praying or performing some other ritual of his people and so she waited form a distance as not to disturb him. After a while when he didn't move Kathryn cautiously stepped up and said softly "So your annoyed."

"Annoyed?" Growled Chakotay without even turning to face her "Kathryn if you want annoyed I have got about a cargo bay full."

"Ok so you're very annoyed." Kathryn replied with a heavy and hurt sigh.

Chakotay turned to face the small vulnerable woman in tears stood before him, angrily rounding on her he yelled "annoyed, hurt, angry, disappointed, let down, used, fed up, worried, frustrated, scared, take your damn pick Kathryn."

His anger was enough to force Kathryn to stumble backwards away from him as tears poured down her cheeks "I am sorry." She whispered, silently begging him to calm down and talk reasonably to her.

"Why?" he hissed breathing heavily and clenching his fists, Kathryn could see her words had only served to anger him further.

"Why what?" Kathryn stammered in wide-eyed shock as she backed away from him nearly tripping over the long train of her elegant wedding dress as she did.

Chakotay seemed not to notice or chose to ignore the fear in his fiancés eyes as his angry glare examined her "why the hell did you not tell me?" he hissed stepping closer to her and forcibly demanding an answer "no better still why did you straight out lie to me?"

Kathryn began to tremble as her sapphire eyes begged him to calm down she reached up with her hand to cup his face in her delicate trembling fingers as she began to whisper "Chakotay I-"

"Stay away." Growled Chakotay as he pushed her hand from him with great force and backed off leaving her stunned before him.

"I never meant to hurt you." She insisted lovingly crying as he turned from her with a look of disgust on his face.

"No, but you did." he told her coldly. Chakotay knew he was being slightly unfair, many times had he hurt her and she had come with nothing but love in return to him be he wasn't her, he was an angry warrior and that angry warrior was seeping back into him like a raging current.

"Oh Chakotay, I am sorry." Whispered Kathryn as she stood watching him struggle with his anger reminding her of the early days, when his anger was ripe and she had been forced to keep him in the brig for her own protection as well as his and all other crew members. Through the years he had changed into the deep loving man she was about to marry but stood there then she saw only the angry warrior and knew she had driven him to that.

"You lied, you cheated, and for what?" he hissed at her "to die?"

"It wasn't like that, I was, and I am terrified of dying." She cried out feeling pain and frustration.

"Then why the hell didn't you tell me Kathryn?" he demanded stepping closer and grabbing her wrist tightly to him and looking down into her deep blue eyes. Kathryn knew then the angry warrior was back, she had lost her Chakotay, the Chakotay stood before her was an angry menace who really would stop at nothing.

"I didn't know what to do." She said gently as she whimpered in pain for the tight grip h had of her wrist but still be did not let up.

"Talking to me might have been a first step." He snapped at her angrily with his face inches from hers "you know talk to the man you claim to love." with those cold, sly words Kathryn could feel his warms breath brush across her face.

"I do love you." She yelled insistently back at him.

"Do you?" he growled coldly.

"What makes you think I don't?" she asked in stammered shock.

"Your weak Kathryn, you're a sheep in wolf's clothing." He growled at her his anger rising and she knew it.

"I have never pretended to be anything else to you, you know that." She cried tearfully and hurt at him.

"No?" he asked with a menacing smile "what about the day Seven of Nine came on board Voyager?"

Kathryn was shocked, they had argued terribly that day many years ago, she had insisted she was strong and knew what she was doing, she had no listened to Chakotay when he pointed out her weakness' in the situation but still she had gone ahead and carried out her plan and nearly got them all assimilated by the Borg. Shocked that after all this time, after all the restoring of their relationship after it he would still bring it up. Shocked she stammered shaking her head in confusion. "What? Chako-"

"Let's talk about Ransom" Chakotay's growl cut across her, another example of an incident on Voyager where Kathryn pretended to know best and ignored her weakness' and in doing so put herself and the ship and the crew in grave danger.

Kathryn's eyes widened in horror, the whole Equinox incident with Ransom was one of the worse moments of her life, and her weakest, in her weakness but determination to be strong she had lost the plot and nearly lost who she was, she had confined Chakotay to quarters for simply trying to make her see what she was doing in her determination was wrong. "I was weak then, that was the whole God damn point." She yelled hurt that he would bring up such a painful time in such a hurtful way.

"No Kathryn, the point is you were weak _all_ of the time but who was there at your side to make you look at feel strong?" he snapped "me that's who."

"And I love you for it." He told him tearfully.

"Exactly, you love me when you get something out of it." He hissed turning from her once more.

"Chakotay it's not like that, I didn't mean it like that." She called after him as he began to storm towards the house leaving her stood in the garden.

"You said it!" she yelled as he flung open his front door and stepped inside.

He was about to slam to door shut behind him refusing her entrance when he hared her tiny little husky voice ask "what happened to us?"

Slowly turning he looked down at the sad looking tearful woman stood before him in the most elegant wedding dress he had ever seen, His Kathryn was beautiful and she looked so radiant in that dress his heart began to warm. Stepping slowly to her he sighed and told her in a gentle voice "there was never an us Kathryn, we just thought there was."

"No that's not true." She begged shaking her head at him.

"We always played at a dream, a hope, a future." He told her firmly staring into her eyes and trying desperately to ignore the hurt he saw there "well guess what Kathryn, that future his here right now, we are standing in it, our wedding day and you can still only give me what you gave me all those years ago on Voyager, a hope of a maybe."

"That's not true." She insisted again.

"No?" he growled sarcastically as he watched her pale, shivering frame crying before him.

She watched him for a minute and then slowly shook her head in horror spreading her arms wide for him to see she said "no! I am here stood before you in my wedding dress, I want to marry you."

As he watched her stood before him in her beautiful wedding dress, the tears streaming down her face, her whole body shivering and trembling with the force of the pain his heart leapt for her but this was one time where he could not and would not back down, she had hurt him enough slowly feeling the pain he saw in her eyes he whispered softly "you always wanted to marry me Kathryn, could you ever be my wife?"

"What?" she asked as her blue eyes turned to grey, she felt a mess, the whole thing was a mess, less than half an hour ago she was set to marry him and now he seemed to have walked out on her saying he didn't want to marry her. Now she dreaded his reply, could this be it? Was this really the end of their love? Would he not marry her?

Chakotay watched her stiffly for a moment as though contemplating and answer then calmly but with a definite hint of forcefulness and anger he told her "your ill, your dying your organs are failing and you never thought to tell me, your soon to be _husband_."

As more tears fell where she stood Kathryn felt as though she just wanted to sink into the ground. "I was scared, but you know now." She told him truthfully trying to make him see why she had done what she had done.

"Oh yes, thanks to the wonderfully straight talking Seven of Nine, were you _ever _going to tell me?" snapped Chakotay, he didn't know if he was angry with her or felt sorry for her.

Wide-eyed and very hurt Kathryn began to tell Chakotay to truth; in her deep husky voice she said slowly "Chakotay it wasn't tha-"

"I shall take that as a no." he said coldly before she even had chance to finish.

"Chakotay please." She begged in tears as she stepped up to where he stood pleading and begging into his deep jet-black set eyes.

"No, think about it, you then told me there was no cure, no chance to save your beautiful body." He said stiffly trying hard not to give in to her pleads. He loved her and he hated to see her like this, he didn't want to walk away from her but she had not told him everything and had lied to him and right then he couldn't understand why, that was no basis for a marriage and it hurt him as much as it hurt her.

"I was-"

"Scared, I know, but scared of what?" yelled Chakotay cutting across her "of me?"

"No!" she shrieked in an insistent reply.

"Then what the hell made you so scared you lied like that, the Doctor told me Kathryn, he told me there is a chance of a cure but you refuse to try it, refuse to take it." Chakotay told her stiffly as he looked at her he felt hurt that she would hade such a thing from him, was she really _that _ready to sit back and let herself die? Where was the brave woman warrior, the fighter whom he fell in love with? Did he know this woman anymore?

"It's not that simple." She told him sadly turning from him.

"No it never is with you." He growled feeling let down and confused.

The two hand turned from each other, she was about to walk away with her lovely white wedding dress and as much as Chakotay had pushed her to leave he couldn't bare to watch the love of his life walk off in her beautiful white dress. Chakotay too was about to turn and walk into his house when he deep husky voice came with one last pleading question "hang on, Chakotay, did the doctor tell you what that cure is? Where it comes from?"

"Kathryn?" he asked stopping and slowly turning to face where her blue eyes searched him, pleading and desperate.

Kathryn let out a heavy sigh and he shoulders slumped as though releasing a heavy burden, "I take that as a no then." She whispered sadly as she watched the man she loved.

"What do you mean where it comes from?" Chakotay asked watching her closely, he had relaxed a little, his vice had lost its accusing tone and he felt more worry in his heart now rather than anger.

"We are not talking about a simple operation or hypospray." Sighed Kathryn watching him.

Chakotay saw fear in her eyes as she thought of it, Chakotay began to understand, she hadn't wanted to die, this wasn't a last act of a suicide attempt nor was she scared of him or refusing to let him into her life, it simply was that she genuinely was scared, scared f whatever this cure meant. How wrong he and his anger had been, Softly and gently he stepped down to her and met her fearful pleading eyes and he told her softly "What it is Kathryn? It doesn't matter, if there's a chance it can cure you."

"A bone marrow transplant and blood transfusion." She said in a tone of voice almost as though she were crying out in pain.

"That's simple enough Kathryn," Chakotay tried to reassure her "the Doctor can- You have seen and felt the miracles first hand what he can do, that's nothing Kathryn." He insisted looking down at her in confusion as she turned her face sadly from him. Chakotay couldn't understand what was so fearful about that? She had been in far worse situations and allowed the doctor to do his miracle work on her.

"From my offspring." Came the cutting sad words in the tiny voice of the vulnerable woman before him.

"What?" he asked unsure he fully understood.

"The bone marrow transplant and blood transfusion must come from my offspring." Kathryn repeated clarifying everything.

At those words Chakotay's heart sank and he understood. "Oh." Was all he could think to whisper as all his anger washed from him and he looked at the crying woman he loved and he wanted to weep for her.

"I was scared Chakotay, hell I was terrified." She cried looking at him with her deep pleading eyes.

"Oh spirits Kathryn, next time just talk to me." he gasped as his own eyes filled with pain filled tears.

"I am so sorry Chakotay." She whispered in her cracked voice as she broke down and cried.

"Come here." He whispered lovingly stretching out his arms, Kathryn fell into his strong embrace and cried uncontrollably into his arms. Kissing the top of her head Chakotay held her tight and felt so ashamed for all his anger he had just shown her and all he had said to her but still she came to him and clung to him in love.


	47. I think they can stay

**A love lost and love's sacrifice.**

**Chapter 47.**

**I think they can stay.**

"Does this mean you'll marry me now?" Kathryn's deep husky voice asked, as she held tightly to Chakotay in a tight embrace.

Gently planting a loving kiss of the top of her grey haired head he stoked her back running circles with his fingers until he whispered gently "I was just thinking the same question about you."

"I never said I wouldn't" she insisted with defiance as she pulled her face from his chest so that she could look up into his loving jet black eyes.

"No I suppose you didn't," he agreed as his face broke into a broad dimpled smile. As she gazed up at him with hope and desire in her deep blue eyes the memory of her stood there crying before him minutes before crept into his mind as he looked at her. His heart nearly shattered with the memory as though he felt a heavy thud in his chest, with a deep loving sigh feeling the pain his anger had once more inflicted upon her he took her hands in his and loving reassured her saying "Kathryn it was never that I didn't want to marry you."

"I know," she said nodding in agreement as she turned her face from his in shame "I let you down and I lied, I am so sorry."

Taking gently her chin in his forefinger he guided her face to look at his and he whispered lovingly "I should never have said that."

"Why not?" she whispered sadly as her faced searched his in love "it was the truth."

"I just got a little bit taken aback when the doctor came to me." he told her with a heavy sigh for he saw, felt and knew the pain his angry words has inflicted on her.

"I should have been the one to tell you." She told him sadly as she turned from him to look out at the beauty of the land, which rolled from Chakotay's large house.

"He thought he was doing the right thing." Chakotay tried to reassure her.

"Maybe he was." Shrugged Kathryn remembering the doctor's own words to her in him telling her to tell Chakotay because he had a right to know and she had chosen not to tell him. Kathryn hung her head and felt the guilt and shame for that.

As Chakotay watched her, his shoulders slumped with the pain she clearly carried, Gently he wrapped his arms around her waist where she stood with her back to him. "Come here sweet heart." He whispered gently pulling her to him.

"What do we do now?" Kathryn asked with a heavy sigh s she relaxed her body into his chest and allowed herself to feel his tight embrace.

"Marry me?" he asked with a beaming smile fitting her body tightly into his and resting his chin gently on her head feeling it was finally where it belonged.

"I can't, not now," Kathryn, said slowly as she pulled her body from his. Chakotay's heart tightened and he felt as though something was caught in his chest, watching her closely he felt tears began to form in his eyes as she looked at him and whispered "We left, all those people we left them."

"I am sure they will wait for us Kathryn," he told her sincerely as he took her hands in his and looked deep into her dangerously loving blue eyes. "Come on it's us, they would be fools if they expected it to go smoothly." He said laughingly with a dimpled smile. At first he met him with a sincere expression but then very slowly the corners of her mouth broke into a crooked smile.

Slowly the smile faltered from her face as she asked him "What about seven?"

"What about her?" Chakotay replied fairly stiffly as he too lost the joyous smile from his lips "Kathryn she's still in the New Zealand penal colony." He told her, the anger flashing menacingly back into his words.

"But she was your wife, she's the mother of your children, I need to know, do you still love her?" begged Kathryn as she searched him for answers.

"Kathryn." Chakotay warned coldly.

Kathryn's wide eyes looked deeply at him as she shook her head and begged him saying in a tearfully husky voice "No I need to know do you still love her? Even just a tiny bit?"

"I am not sure I ever really loved her, my heart was always yours." Chakotay told her as he took her hands and kissed her the tips of her tiny delicate little fingers.

"How could you marry somebody you didn't love?" Kathryn asked him feeling pain for both him and her, the two had been married fifteen years and bore four children together.

"Do we have to talk of this now?" He said feeling tense and confused by her questioning.

"Chakotay?" she asked feeling ignored and shot down. She tilted her head up to look him in the eye and knew with conviction there was pain there.

Taking her hands gently he reassuringly looked in to her eyes with love, he gently reached up and brushed the stray strands of hair from her eyes and stroked her cheeks where he tears had been on minutes before with the back of his hand as he told her "We have a crowd of people gathered," and then sliding his hand to rest on her hip he told her with a smile "your looking so very beautiful in this magnificent wedding dress and I really can't wait to shout to all the world that you are my wife."

Taking her hand he led her towards the edge of his property where they could transport back to the lake where their friends were waiting and she knew that was his purpose for leading her there. Stopping dead she refused to walk "that doesn't answer my question."

"I did what I thought was right at the time." He said simply over his shoulder even though he knew she was fighting him to stay and not beam back to Lake Georgia.

"How do I know that your not just marrying me now because you think it's right?" she almost howled at him which made the two stop dead in their tracks.

"Kathryn." He said slowly as he turned at locked eyes with the most radiant woman he had ever known. Her expressive blue eyes shone love to him.

Slowly he watched with fear as her eyes began to fill with water and tears began to flow. As she said tearfully in a deep husky voice, "No Chakotay you were so ready to throw it away." He went to embrace her but she pulled away in pain and hurt.

"I thought you were throwing it away, I thought you didn't trust me or didn't care. I thought you wanted to kill yourself. I was hurt and lashing out." Chakotay told her as he watched her turn her back to him. She still stood with her fine wedding dress, which simply made her smile.

"God what a mess." Sighed Kathryn as he shoulders slumped and her hung her head.

Chakotay rested a strong loving copper brown hand on her shoulder creating a contrast against the pearly white of her dress. Turning her to face him her cupped her face in his hands, looked deep into her deep blue eyes and told her truthfully "Kathryn I love you."

"I love you, you know that." She replied to him.

"I hear lake Georgia is nice this time of year." He told her with his deep dimpled smile.

"Yes I was there this morning, I have to admit it was perfect." She told him with a bright smile and a twinkle in her deep blue eyes.

"Come here you." He said with a laugh as he took her hand and pulled her into a tight hug and kissed the top of her head lovingly.

"I love you." She said with a smile and a joyful husky voice as she rested her face on his brave and strong chest.

"You look absolutely radiant. Gorgeous." He told her stoking her back and feeling the lace on the beautiful wedding dress. Then holding her tighter to him he kissed her saying "And your all mine."

Kathryn laughed loudly into his chest and then said as she pulled from him and walked on towards the edge of his land "Come on, before B'Elanna gives up on us."

"And let's Sanwee eat the wedding cake?" Chakotay chuckled as he followed her thinking of their Half-Klingon friends temper.

"Something like that." She said looking over her shoulder with a crooked smile but then the smile was soon gone and she looked at him almost with fear and worry as she stopped walking and said slowly "Chakotay?"

"Yea?" he asked in confused reply.

"You have four wonderful children." Kathryn said softly placing her delicate hand lovingly on his chest.

Taking her hand in his he look deeply into her eyes and said, "Thank you."

"I hope I can be a little part of their lives." She told his softly.

"Kathryn, I want you to be a big part of our lives." He told her with pride and conviction as he looked at her "I love you, I am sorry I got angry, I couldn't bare to think of you dying and when I heard there was a chance to save you my heart leaped with joy but when the Doctor told me he had discussed it with you weeks ago and you were refusing to cooperate I got a little hurt and angry."

"It's not that I wont cooperate." She insisted looking up into his eyes longing for him to understand her.

"Kathryn." Chakotay said lovingly.

"Hummm"

"Together we can face it when the time is right."

Kathryn's eyes filled with tears of love as she looked deep into his eyes and said "Chakotay, twenty three years ago I was sent to capture an enemy to the federation and his crew, Twenty three years ago I fell in love with that brave and angry warrior. Twenty-one years ago I was able to admit my love for him and marry him in a beautiful private ceremony but time and command pressure took it's toll on both of us and our relationship suffered. I love him, I always have and I want the world to know it, I want all to hear me say it."

Brushing her hair from her face he planted to gently kisses on her cheeks and then one on her tiny red lips as he whispered, "Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway, I love you."

"Don't you just." She said with a smile.

Holding out his elbow for her to take he laughed and said "Care to join me at lake Georgia?"

"It would be my privilege." She said with a smile taking his arm.

To two had barely transported from the edge of Chakotay's front lawn to the shores of lake Georgia when B'Elanna's angry face appeared before them and she scowling demanded "Where the hell have you been?" as she growled at both of them and got no reply other than there somewhat cheesy grins B'Elanna put her hands on her hips in a somewhat Kathryn fashion and snapped "What the damn hell happened with you two?"

"I was wrong." Said Chakotay simply.

B'Elanna went to say something to him when Kathryn cut across her by saying in a soft husky voice "No I was."

"Kathryn." Chakotay said looking at her slightly shocked in love.

"Chakotay." As all she replied steadily giving him a 'don't disagree with me' look.

"I will blame the both of you in a minute, so is there going to be a wedding or do I have to send all these good people home?" Scowled B'Elanna, as she looked the two of them up and down angrily.

Chakotay broke his held on Kathryn's arm and gestured to her stepping back saying in his first officer stance "It's your call ma'am."

"Hummm." She said pretending to give the matter her captain thought and then with a stiff command nod said, "I think they can stay."

B'Elanna scowled at her and was about to say something more but was once again interrupted as Sanwee came bounding up to her father and almost step-mother and asked "Kathryn why were you and daddy shouting?"

"Daddy was a little upset but he is Ok now, he understands something he didn't before." Chakotay told his daughter ruffling her hair a little and bending down to give her a kiss oh her forehead. He then looked up at Kathryn's smiling blue eyes and asked, "Are you ready darling?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," she said with a nod and a smile as he stood to meet her gaze, "which is a fine achievement given us." She finished with a laugh.

"I'll see you at the top of that aisle." He said taking her hand and giving it a gentle reassuring squeeze as he looked her deep in the eyes and said "and don't worry sweet heart, we can talk about everything else afterwards, it will be fine and it will get sorted. I am at your side. All I want to do right now is call you my wife."

"Are you sure?" she asked looking for one last reassurance.

"Am I sure about what Kathryn?" she asked looking at her confused "that I want to call you my wife?"

"No," she said with a shake of her head. "That we can deal with the other problem together afterwards, I don't want to have to face it alone."

"Your not alone Kathryn." Chakotay insisted repeating his words from many times when the two in desperate need of each other while on broad Voyager.

"I should have listened to you long ago" smiled Kathryn placing her hand on his chest much as she had done all those years ago when he had first said those words to her, three years into their journey, a year into their marriage, the day Seven of Nine came on board Voyager. "See you at the top of that aisle." She whispered. With those words he wrapped both his arms around her waist and claimed her lips for his own. She allowed her hands to wrap though his thick hair as she felt his warmth.

"All right you two, the kiss is meant to be after the wedding." Growled Tom as she stood staring at the couple with his arms folded and a childish grin on his face. With that Chakotay parted from her and turned an walked off towards the still assembled crowed with Tom his best man following closely behind.

"What was all that about?" Asked a very worried and yet angry looking Phoebe as she came closer to her older sister with her arms folded and a look of concern on her face.

"It's nothing." Kathryn brushed her off.

"It didn't look like nothing." Insisted Phoebe giving Kathryn the famous 'Janeway Death Glare' it made her snort with laughter.

"It wasn't nothing, I suppose I nearly messed up but it's sorted now." Laughed Kathryn as she tried to force herself to be serious for her sister.

"Are you sure? He was quite angry, I wasn't sure I like it really, and in front of his kids."

"Phoebe he is a good man, a very good man and great father." Kathryn insisted seriously as she took her sisters hands and gave them reassuring squeeze.

"Are you ready Kathryn?" Owen asked nodding towards the still waiting crowd in front of which stood Chakotay, Tom the best man and Tuvok. Kathryn couldn't understand at first why Tuvok was stood up there, her wise on long standing Vulcan friend lived on Vulcan and with it all Kathryn had been unable to get to Vulcan in the last year to visit him, something she and Chakotay really must rectify once they were married and sorted, she was sure she and Chakotay could take a visit to Vulcan to see their old friend the very distinguished Vulcan master.

With a smile Kathryn turned from the crowed and nodded at her wedding party saying, "lets do it."

As the group got into position and formed a huddle at the back of the crowed Tuvok stepped forward and said loudly in his usual monotone Vulcan way "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the bride and her wedding party."

This made Kathryn smile warmly, never had she imagined Tuvok her greatest friend would be officiating her wedding ceremony. She also knew this had to have been down to Owen to have legalised this in the federation with a laugh she smiled at the man who's arm she now held and whispered "Thanks Owen."

"My honour Kathryn." Owen Paris whispered back just as Harry and his band began to play a beautiful instrumental song.

With a deep breath Kathryn looked up at the huge sea of Smiling faces as she tapped the shoulder of the little Sanwee stood before her. Sanwee took of down the aisle towards her father throwing flowers at the crowd as she went excitedly twirling with her dress. All gathered laughed joyously as the little girl reached her father, gave him a big hug and called "it's your turn now Kathryn."

Kathryn and Chakotay looked eyes and both laughed at his daughter who was taking her seat on the front row. Phoebe stepped up on the other side of Kathryn and gave her sister a broad smile as she handed her a bouquet of peach peace roses and whispered "From Chakotay."

Kathryn looked down at the beautiful roses in her hands and then smelt their perfect aroma, reminding her of their first visit to Lake Georgia on Voyagers holodeck, Chakotay had given a single peach rose then. Kathryn's eyes began to fill with tears with the memory as she looked up to smile at Chakotay who was stood with Tom watching her with a smile.

With a nod at phoebe she took a step forward with Owen as Trellah, Miral both took a corner f her long white train in the dress, which she had fastened up all morning until that moment when she let it flow in all it's splendour. In the centre between Trellah and Miral Naomi Wildman took her place in the centre directly behind Kathryn. The five began to walk leaving a gap before Phoebe and B'Elanna followed down the aisle.


	48. I do or does she?

**A love lost and love's sacrifice.**

**Chapter 48.**

**I do… Or does she?**

As Kathryn walked arm in arm with Owen Paris towards her very soon to be husband her face was radiant, her smile real and the cheering crowd ringing joy in her ears. It was perfect and nothing was going to stop them from finally declaring themselves as husband and wife. As she drew nearer to Chakotay his proud dimpled smile lit up her life and she knew she was walking into perfection. Soon she would fall into his arms as his wife and finally the last twenty-three years of true, difficult longing would be fulfilled. As Kathryn drew to stand beside him she turned her face to look at the stoic Vulcan before her and nearly snorted with laughter for she could have sworn she saw the tiniest hint of a smile upon his lips. It was only there for a second for he began to address the gathered crowd and still Kathryn couldn't not turn to the man stood on the other side of Owen Paris waiting to claim her as his wife. "Welcome to this special day where we stand witness to the joining of two who love each other very deeply." Tuvok's steady monotone voice broke Kathryn's thought's "it is because of that love they have chosen to join in the way of marriage in the sight of all those they hold close. It is in the power given to me by the united federation of plants that I join two of my greatest friends in marriage before you all today." Taking a pause Tuvok turned to look at Chakotay and said confidently "It is my understanding that Chakotay has prepared a special vow he wants to pledge to Kathryn during this ceremony." To which Chakotay nodded and stepped forward to face Kathryn and the waiting crowd whom Kathryn stood with her back too. Trellah, Miral, Naomi, Sanwee, Phoebe and B'Elanna had all taken their seats on the front row leaving Kathryn stood with Owen.

Kathryn looked with wide eyes from to Tuvok to Chakotay in shock and unexpected confusion as she whispered so only those close could hear "Chakotay?"

"Shush darling it's fine." He reassuringly whispered to her in an equally quite voice.

Tuvok's voice broke their connection as he loudly said the words Kathryn's heart was dreading "before that I must ask if any person present knows of any lawful reason why Chakotay and Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway can not join in marriage?"

Kathryn's eyes locked in fear with the jet black eyes of Chakotay, she saw steadiness and certainty there but what feared her the most was that he had turned almost to stone like he was holding in a breath waiting for the worst to come.

Silence filled the open air of that lake and Kathryn felt in a daze as she waited for what felt like an eternity of fearing the worst.

"Then it is that this marriage shall go ahead." Tuvok's Vulcan voice stated leaving both Kathryn and Chakotay feeling like they wanted to faint with relief and joy at those joyful and freeing words. Tears welled up in Kathryn's eyes as she realised she truly was about to marry the man she had loved in painful secret for so long. Tuvok Gestured to Chakotay as she stepped back announcing him to the stand. "Chakotay."

"Thank you Tuvok." Chakotay said the older Vulcan master and longstanding friend and confident of his wife to be "First I want to thank you all for coming, and also to thank you Tuvok, you and I haven't always seen eye to eye but I too count you among my greatest friends." To which Tuvok silently nodded his acceptance and acknowledgement of Chakotay's words. Chakotay then turned to where Kathryn and Owen stood before him and looking deep into her loving sapphire eyes he said "but the one I wish to thank the most for being her today is the brave and very beautiful woman warrior." To which Kathryn smiled, almost laughed at the reference to the ancient legend of what felt so long ago. Then turning to the crowd Chakotay said with a hint of a mischievous smile, "Ladies and Gentlemen may I take this time to tell you all an ancient ledged among my people." To which Kathryn snorted and laughed slightly as Chakotay began his ancient ledged "It's about an angry warrior who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe, a man who couldn't find peace even with the help of his spirit-guide. For years he struggled with his discontent. But the only satisfaction he ever got when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself. One day he and his war party were captured by a neighboring tribe, led by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enemies. The woman warrior was brave and beautiful, and very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make their burden lighter her needs would come first and in that way the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace."

It was a ledged Kathryn had heard once before and she stood amazed at the fact her remembered the words to exactly. She went to thank him once again for the ledged when Chakotay continued, adding more to the ledged than the first time he had told it to her "and in that peace the angry warrior began to still. He began to live his life for her, and she fell nicely into his arms. The wise woman warrior was fearful at first but still she opened her heart and soul to the angry warrior and in the private the two held such a deep love in their heart for each other." Kathryn tilted her head slightly to gage to reaction of many of her former crew who stood behind her listening to his words, none looked surprised or angry many were smiling and nodding all listening intently to the words of Chakotay "One day the angry warrior and his brave woman warrior where stranded alone and their tribe were left to carry on their long journey without them. It was at this time alone and stranded the angry warrior was able to love his woman warrior. He provided all he could for her, a shelter and a home. But still she longed for a way to be able to return to her tribe and the home she had made there. That was until slowly over time she came to see even the eagle must know when to sleep and she allowed herself to fall in open and true honest love with her loving angry warrior." There began to be some murmuring from the crowd causing Kathryn to worry but as she looked at their faces she saw many smiling and nodding and Kathryn soon came to realise that a betting pool twenty-three years old had just been answered. "In a very beautiful and honest ceremony alone the two pledge themselves in marriage to one another." Chakotay looked into Kathryn's eyes as she tearfully smiled at him remembering the great joy she had felt that day many years ago. "The angry warrior was besotted with his wonderful bride and lived in peaceful harmony with her." Continued Chakotay proudly "The two warriors lay down their fighting ways and took up the way of peace and love. Then quite unexpected and taking the man and wife quite by surprise their tribe returned to save them from their forced exile. The brave and wise woman warrior was forced to painfully take up her role as the tribes chief once more and the angry warrior returned to her side to support her in what ever way she wanted him to." At this many of Voyagers former crew looked around at each other sadly feeling sorrow for the part they had played in the 'rescue' from their command teams force 'exile' Still Chakotay continued "As they went back on their long journey with their tribe she begged him to take back the pledge she had made to him. For the sake of her tribe whom she bravely and wisely commanded she told him she could no longer be his wife. She sacrificed there loved and marriage for her tribe and the heavy burden she took to stop at nothing to get them home to their destination." Kathryn's poured with tears as she saw the pain her painful decision of many years ago had put on him. As Chakotay continued she still watched him as he told her and the gathered people the rest of the story "but the angry warrior would not let his beautiful queen leave him so easily and so followed five years of a very painful and difficult marriage, the woman warrior always sacrificed her love for him for the sake of her tribe as a true leader." The pain in his voice could be heard by all, most of all Kathryn. Nobody dared speak as Chakotay finished his tale. "This took it's toll on the man and wife, and many times they each tested life in the arms of others, but never another from their tribe, always those from tribes they met along their journey. Seven years in to the journey the angry warrior became angry with this brave leader once more and in his anger gave his love to a younger and equally beautiful woman, a member of their tribe. In his shame he saw the pain in his brave leaders eyes but still she held her head high and denied her hurt." Many looked in shock at Chakotay as it dawned on them for the first time what his relationship with Seven had done to their leader, a woman the all admired and loved. Many there that day felt suddenly guilty for encouraging Chakotay's relationship with Seven. All watched silently, some with tears as Chakotay drew to the end of his story "Then something happened nobody could have predicted, by a miracle the tribe's long and difficult journey came to end when they were helped along the way to reach their home and destination. The angry warrior found himself celebrating in the arms of the wrong woman and his wife and leader slipping away from him to sacrifice her own freedom for the freedom of all her tribe, including her angry warrior and his new woman, soon to be bride. Many thought the story of the angry warrior ended in happiness and joy, for many did not know of his love for his woman leader and so many congratulated him on his marriage to the younger woman. Sadly in shame he never stopped thinking of his woman warrior so far from him and he had no peace. That was until the day, many, many years later when the grey had filled his hair and he had given up all hope when visiting his friends and members of his old tribe he broke out in an angry rage for something had made him think of his woman. It was then in his blazing anger, the angry and bitter warrior heard the deep husky, loving and calming voice of his brave and wise, beautiful woman warrior. I feared he was dreaming as he turned to look once more into her wise beautiful blue eyes. Slowly peace began to seep back into his heart as she re-entered his life." Many in the crowd looked ready to cheer as Chakotay moved to Kathryn and took her hands in his and said as he looking into her eyes "And now once more the angry warrior stands before his beautiful, wise and brave woman warrior and asks her if she would once more pledge her life to him as his wife?"

All in at the shores of Lake Georgia that day looked to Kathryn and waited with baited breath for her response. Then is came so slowly and quietly and she nodded and whispered through her tears "She would." The crowd erupted into cheer at her words, for all had been so silent many had hear her quiet whisper clearly and all were full of joy. Laughing Kathryn turned to Tuvok as she wiped her eyes dry and said "Tuvok I think it's time you did your thing before something else separates the woman warrior from her man of peace."

Chakotay squeezed her hands and then stepped down to once more take his place beside Owen Paris waiting to pledge himself to the woman warrior he had loved for so long. Stepping forward with a nod Tuvok said, "Then it is so, on this special morning all present here have gathered to stand witness to the joining of these two people as man and wife." Then looking at Owen he said "I must ask who here gives this woman to this man in the hand of marriage?"

"I do." Stated Owen Paris proudly, turning to Chakotay he said "Chakotay, Katie has always been as a daughter to me, I know you will take good care of her and I know how much she cherishes you and your love." Taking a pause he smiled, a rare occasion for Owen Paris and he said "Having heard that ancient ledged you just told I know my Katie will have no trouble in your loving embrace and so I give her to you to take her hand in marriage." With that he released himself from her elbow and place her delicate hand in Chakotay's large, warm copper brown hand.

"It is my honour and pride to take her hand." Smiled Chakotay with a nod at Owen who nodded back and moved away to take his seat on the first row.

"It is my honour to have it taken." Smiled Chakotay at Chakotay causing the entire laugh as he smiled and her and kissed the back of her palm to acknowledge her words.

"Who here has the symbol of this joining?" as Tuvok.

"That would be me." Beamed Tom stepping forward proudly to take his best man duties. "Here you go big man." He said patting Chakotay on the back and handing him the necklace that in Chakotay's custom symbolises his marriage to Kathryn. The necklace she had taken all those years ago in the ceremony Chakotay had just spoken of.

"Thanks Tom." Chakotay said with a smile and a nod.

"As it is in the tradition of Chakotay's people he offers his bride a special necklace as a symbol of her pledging to him." Tuvok told the crowd "As it is in the tradition Kathryn's people vows are to exchanged between the two in joining." Nodding at Chakotay he said "Chakotay."

Chakotay turned to face Kathryn and looked her deep in the eyes as he said with such love "Kathryn, I love you with all of my heart, I pine for you when you are not close and melt by the warmth of your closeness when you are near. Your eyes are sapphires as blue as the sky and your smile is as happy as dazzling rays of the great burning sun. I wish to pledge to you my woman warrior and in that pledge I wish to give to you the traditional marriage joining prayer of my people." With that he knelt on both knees before where she stood and looking up at her said "A-koo-chee-moya, on this land the of our ancestors and close to their bones I ask the spirits to be with us this day of our joining and all the day's there is to come. I kneel before you, the woman I love and cherish, Miss Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway, First Daughter of Edward Janeway, I vow to Love and protect you as my Kay-pah-eeta, my pledge mate. Do you pledge to be my Kay-pah-eeta, my pledge mate, my wife?"

As he looked up at her longingly all eyes were now on her, this was it, her moment, her chance. With a deep breath she looked at him and exclaimed, "I do!" and smiled widely at him as he stood looking at her with his wide dimpled smile "Oh Chakotay my love I do." She laughed looking right at him. "I pledge my life to you as your wife, my Kay-pah-eeta, my pledged mate." She told him in her deep husky voice as he stood before her. The two locked eyes with love and them they were completely alone, just them two in the entire world.

As Tuvok's voice broke in he asked "Do you Chakotay pledge your life to Kathryn Janeway as her husband, her Kay-pah-eeta, her pledge mate?"

"Most certainly, without a doubt." Chakotay said looking right at Tuvok and saying with conviction "Yes" he then slowly turned to Kathryn, looked at her in her rich blue eyes and told her with love "Yes, I do."

"Then it is so, on this day we stand as witness to the joining of Chakotay and Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway and so under the united federation of planets I declare them husband and wife." Announced Tuvok causing an almighty cheer to erupt from the crowd as Chakotay placed the necklace once more around his wife's neck.

The two then sealed their marriage with a loving kiss and a tight embrace.

Wrapping his arms around her he drew his face inches from hers and said with pride and joy "My wife."

To which she replied in love "My husband."


	49. you and Kathryn together!

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 49.**

**You and Kathryn together?**

"Kathryn, Congrats." Smiled a very happy B'Elanna as she came bounding up to talk to her old friend for the first time since the end of the ceremony.

Kathryn who had been sampling the wine turned to face her half-klingon friend. Smiling joyously she said, "thanks B'Elanna." And went to embrace her friend.

"I can't believe it, you two finally married." Laughed B'Elanna as she pulled from her friends hug and took a glass of wine for herself.

As B'Elanna sipped her wine she saw that Kathryn wasn't really smiling too. "I still can't believe it, it's so strange, it's finally happened." Agreed Kathryn as she played with the beautiful necklace she wore round her neck and looked around the room at all the people gathered, many of whom she hadn't seen in sixteen years. Kathryn was feeling slightly unsure how she felt.

"I am so happy for you two." B'Elanna told her friend as she watched her watching all the guests in the room with a conflicted look on her face.

"So am I, as is my wife, I think." Came the steady deep voice of Chakotay as he came up behind the two and wrapped his arm around his confused looking wife as he smiled broadly with his dimpled smile, he looked so peaceful, relaxed and proud as he looked down at his new bride.

Kathryn almost jumped as she turned to face Chakotay and gazed awkwardly into his loving eyes. Kathryn placed a delicate hand on his chest and smiled up at him. "Yes I am." With a deep voice that almost cracked into tears.

Chakotay gently stroked the small of her back to offer support to his beautiful new wife as he watched her saying "Kathryn darling, we should go do the rounds." Without allowing her time to protest he guided her away from B'Elanna saying over his shoulder "See you later B'Elanna."

"Yea." B'Elanna called as she stood there watching them walk from her arm in arm.

"The really are made for each other aren't they." Tom asked his wife as he came up behind her and placed his own hand on her shoulder.

"Their sweet." Smiled B'Elanna as she watched Chakotay talking with his wife, he was taking her hands in his and reassuringly smiling at her.

"Do you remember it?" Tom asked as he watched Kathryn stand up on her tiptoes and wrap her arms around her husband and take his lips in hers. "Do you remember our wedding day?" Tom asked turning from the newly weds to his wife of eighteen years.

"Yes of course I do." Smiled B'Elanna "it was perfect." Whispered the beautiful half klingon as she copied the older woman's actions and stood on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around her tall husband and plant a kiss on his lips.

After Chakotay had lead Kathryn from B'Elanna he asked "Are you glad that we did it Kathryn?"

"Of course." She replied.

"Are you sure?" she asked as he stopped and took her hands lovingly in his as he let his eyes meet hers and tried to reassure her.

"Chakotay, it's the happiest day of my life." She told him with a smile. Chakotay knew he was telling her the truth.

"It's going to be OK Kathryn, I have a plan." Smiled Chakotay.

"I love you, but please don't make it worse." She begged. 

"I love you Kathryn, I will never let anything bad happen to you." Chakotay told her as she smiled and stood on her tip toes to wrap her arms around him.

"I know." She laughed as she let her lips meet with his to claim them as hers. As she pulled from him she laughed, swatted him on the arm and said in a very deep husky voice "Come on sweetie let's go and see those Children of yours." She then let her handclasp with his and her fingers intertwine with his.

As Tom and B'Elanna broke from their own kiss they laughed at then turned to watched the newly weds playing with Sanwee. "Look at them." Smiled B'Elanna as she thought of how joyous the new family looked. Even tough they seemed so happy they there was something that B'Elanna was very much aware that something's weren't quite right. "What went on before, why did Chakotay storm off?" She asked Tom.

Tom turned from watching the newly weds laughing and playing with Chakotay's children and shook his head saying, "I don't know, Kathryn did though, but they seem to have sorted it out."

B'Elanna asked, "It was to do with doctor." Then she stopped and looked in horror as she asked "Tom you don't think-"

"What?" interrupted Tom.

"Kathryn, she hasn't really looked too well since Seven tried to kill her." She said trying to convince her husband.

"Lanna what are you talking about?" Tom asked looking confused.

"Tom look at her, she's looking pale and weak."

"Lanna she is fine." Tom insisted. Before B'Elanna had chance to protest Tom turned to Mike Ayala and asked "hay Mike, what's the punch like?"

"It's good, you should try it." Their friend said turning and offering a toast to his friend with a glass.

"Want one?" Tom asked turning to his wife who was staring at Chakotay and Kathryn sat on the other side of the room with Sanwee and Duva, the four looked like the perfect happy family. Kathryn snuggled into her new husband, he with his arm around her. All four smiling joyously. When B'Elanna didn't answer Tom's question he asked "Lanna?" waving his hand in her face to try to gain her attention.

"Humm?" B'Elanna asked without taking her eyes from kathyrn who was now stroking the side of her husbands face with the back of her hand. As

"Punch?" Tom asked again.

As though jumping from a trance B'Elanna mumbled "Oh yea, thanks" as she glanced at her husband.

"Lanna she is fine, maybe she's just been tired." Tom told her reassuringly as he patted her shoulder before he gave Mike a glace to ask him to stay with B'Elanna while he went to get the punch.

"This seat taken?" asked a familir male voice as Kathyrn sat alone staring into space.

"Hay!" she smiled as she looked up at the man who had joined her. "sure take a seat."

"Chakotay not around?" the man asked as he handed the beautiful woman a glass of punch.

Taking it from him Kathryn took a sip and smiled saying "no, he's just gone to get Sanwee a drink."

"So that was quite a story he told today."

"hum, the ancient legend." Kathryn smiled with a nod she clearly had no problem talking to the man who had just joined her, her relaxed smile was beautiful.

"Kathryn I-" he began softly as her sapphire eyes pierced his sole, "I just wanted to say how happy I am for you, for both of you."

"Thanks she said with a deep voice as she placed her hand gently on his shoulder "It's ok, nothing more needs to be said."

"I didn't know." He told her as his own eyes met with hers and she saw the truth in his eyes.

"no, no you didn't and I never told you, that was wrong of Me." she admitted with a heavy sigh.

"did Chakotay know?"

"no." Kathyrn shook her head, "no he didn't, not while I let it happen."

"Kathyrn, you were not the only one to blame." He insisted as she took her hands in his "You are a beautiful woman, a wise and strong woman, it got lonely out there, for both of us at times. I was there, a shoulder to cry on for a short time, there was never a real chance in what we had, it was nice and convenient. I admire you and always will." He told her reassuringly as watery tears began to fill in her eyes "I love you Kathryn, I do, as a friend, Chakotay and you were made for each other. I too am married and love my wife very deeply, I would not change that. But know this Kathyrn what we shared those few months, the relationship we shared, the love we expressed for one another, the nights she acted on that love, it was not wrong it was just a different chapter in our story."

"I am sorry, I should have told you about Chakotay and I." she admitted remembering back to the few months she was with this man, love was not a word she would have used but there truly had been something between them.

"I knew Kathyrn, we all did, and you and Chakotay were made for each other and I am truly happy Kathyrn, I have no regrets for my marriage or yours. Congratulations." He told her reassuringly.

"Do you ever think of it?" she ask him as she lifted her hand onto his cheek to gently stroke his face, do you ever think of the relationship we had? The nights we shared together?"

but before he had chance to answer a female voice broke their trance, "You and kathyrn _together_?" his wife shrieked at them "I don't understand, before or after we married?"

"Lanna, it's not what you think!" Tom exclaimed as she stood from where he sat next to the beautiful older bride to look into the face of the woman he loved, his wife.

"P'Tak" spat the half klingon as she looked in horror between Kathyrn and Tom.


	50. The painful truth

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 50.**

**The painful truth.**

Holding the palms of her hands up in surrender Kathryn insisted "B'Elanna, it's not what you think." as she too stood to face the very angry looking half-klingon and trying to defuse the situation.

"Want to start telling me what it is then?" growled the half-klingon with her deep brown eyes blazing with anger and her teeth bared at the now rather flustered bride.

Tom jumped to his old friends defence and stood up to his wife saying "Lanna don't blame it on Kathryn, not on her wedding day."

With a heavy sigh B'Elanna's heart sank at her husbands words, she didn't want to ruin the long awaited and much anticipated wedding day, turning to her husband who she loved very much she asked in a slightly more gentler tone of voice "Tell me one thing Tom, were you and I married when you and she were in this relationship."

Tom glanced quickly from B'Elanna to Kathryn who was watching him closely for his answer; giving Kathryn an awkward look and slowly turning back to his wife he stumbled as he said, "I am not sure I would call it a relationship."

"Tom!" B'Elanna growled warningly, her eyes still blazing with pure anger.

Taking in a strong breath Tom stated steadily "No Lanna, no we weren't married."

"But we were together?" she pressed in her questioning.

Kathryn turned to Tom and then back to B'Elanna, hitching up her long white train on her dress with one hand and placing the other gentle hand on the younger woman's shoulder her said in her soft but husky compassionate voice "B'Elanna nobody wanted to hurt you."

"And your husband does he know you cheated on him?" B'Elanna asked as she turned her face to look into the deep blue eyes of the woman she loved and trusted no matter what.

With a deep sigh Kathryn removed her hand from B'Elanna's shoulder and with a small nod whispered, "He knows I wasn't always faithful, nor was he."

B'Elanna watched her closely for a second until Kathryn found her sapphire eyes could not hold the gaze of the half-klingon. As Kathryn dropped her gaze to the floor B'Elanna who was slowly defusing her anger and shock tilted her head and told the older woman "after that story he told today, all about how it was never with a member of the crew." At these words Kathryn turned away even more but still B'Elanna made her point "I am taking he didn't know then?"

"Not at the time no." sighed the deep voice of Voyagers former captain.

"But he does now?" snapped B'Elanna.

"I admitted I cheated on him with a member of the crew, yes." Agreed Kathryn though to say the words was breaking her heart.

"With another woman's partner?" pressed on B'Elanna.

As Kathryn turned to face the deep brown eyes of the half-klingon she felt tears begin to form in her eyes, she had not meant for this, this was not meant to be. Slowly she whispered feeling the pain "I am so sorry B'Elanna."

B'Elanna who saw the pain in the older woman's eyes did care but her klingon rage once more got the better of her compassionate human half "I can't believe it, I trusted you, looked up to you, admired you!" she growled reminding both Tom and Kathryn of a Klingon about to do battle "do you think being captain gave you the right to have any man on the ship you wanted? How many of the crew were you sleeping with while you to so bravely _sacrificed _yourself to get us all home?"

"B'Elanna that's not fair!" Yelled Tom as he stepped in front of Kathryn to tower above his angry wife.

"No Tom, it's fine." Said Kathryn steadily as she held her gentle hand up to push in aside, looking lovingly into B'Elanna's eyes she stepped forward and said in a steady vice with a deep conviction "B'Elanna, I care for you a great deal, I always have. I always loved Chakotay, Tom has always loved you-"

"Save it!" interjected B'Elanna "I just don't get it, you're a fraud, if you loved Chakotay so much why did you cheat on him?"

Kathryn's heart sank, she didn't really know how to answer that and she had been feeling the pain and guilt of that very statement herself. Instead of giving an answer she began to frantically trying to see if any of her wedding guests where aware of their conversation. Nobody seemed in the least bit phased and for that at least Kathryn was grateful. It was Tom who jumped to her defence to explain to his wife what had gone on between them "Lanna darling, it wasn't like that, you and I were struggling, Kathryn was there, she listened to me when I talked of my hurt, we didn't plan anything to spark between us."

As B'Elanna simply stared into the blue eyes of her husband Kathryn's heart was pounding, she might have explained it slightly differently to Tom but nobody had chance to say or do anything else because suddenly Kathryn felt a steady hand appear lovingly on the small of her back ad her husbands deep voice ring in her ear as he came to stand beside her "There you are!" Kathryn's heart froze, she didn't dare look at him, and she didn't want him to see she had been crying. "It's nearly time for our dance." He said with his joyous smile, which was only met by a silent sad looking stare from Tom and B'Elanna. Chakotay looked from one of his old friends to the other and then at his wife who was still deistically not looking at him. Removing his hand from the small of her back he felt deep concern for her as he moved to look her in the face and saw she was still trying to turn from him "Kathryn sweet heart what's wrong? You look a little flushed." He asked with deep concern in his voice as she took her hands and stroked her knuckles with his thumb.

"Flushed! She's more than flushed!" Snapped B'Elanna.

"B'Elanna?" a very confused Chakotay asked as she looked from the face of his wife to his old friend who he knew well enough to know was hurt and angry.

"Darling we need to talk, now." Insisted Kathryn as she grabbed tightly on her husbands hand and tried to lead the confused and worried man away.

"I thought he _knew_," snapped B'Elanna folding her arms and watching the newly weds.

"Knew what?" questioned Chakotay as she refused to walk away.

"B'Elanna please!" begged a tearful Kathryn, this was not the way she had wanted Chakotay to find out she had cheated on him with Tom Paris!

"Lanna this is their wedding day!" Gasped a wide-eyed Tom taking hold of his wife and trying to sternly guide her away. Looking over his shoulder at Kathryn and Chakotay he said softly "I am so sorry."

"Your sorry? For what? For sleeping with her?" yelled B'Elanna, at her words all froze and stared at her. Tom stopped walking and let go of his wife sadly, still unable to turn to face Kathryn or Chakotay. B'Elanna was staring at her husband with blazing eyes. Chakotay froze and look in horror from B'Elanna to Tom, until it dawned on him that Tom nor Kathryn were denying B'Elanna's accusation.

Slowly turning to his own wife he saw pain and guilt in her face as he asked steadily and yet deeply "Kathryn?"

"Oh Chakotay, I am so sorry." She whispered sadly as she turned her deep watery sapphire eyes to her new husband. She wanted to move towards the man she loved with all her heart, she wanted to embrace him and claim him as her own but when he returned her begging eyes with a steady heavy breathing and a dead pan look she knew his anger was about to spike, her heart clenched and her soul sank. His silence broke her heart "Chakotay, please say something." She begged as she looked into his eyes, which met her with the ultimate look of betrayal.


	51. A whole different lifetime ago

**A love lost and loves sacrifice.**

**Chapter 51.**

**A whole different lifetime ago.**

Slowly Chakotay turned to Kathryn and met her eyes. He watched her closely for a second till he moved to stand in front of his wife and then looking down at her and said stiffly "Tom? You slept with Tom?"

"Whoa big guy it's not entirely what you think!" Tom insisted taking a defensive step back from the proud and angry Native American before he took a swing at him.

Both Kathryn and Chakotay stared at each other not breaking eye contact. Kathryn looked into the deep black eyes that were piercing their way into her open and begging soul, "The member of the crew was Tom?" he asked her in a deep, steady voice. His body language told her he was angry but his voice told her he was deep in love. Slowly Chakotay turned his gaze to Tom and looked the younger man up and down, Tom was slowly backing away trying to deflect Chakotay's anger from him. It was then Tom and Kathryn both saw Chakotay was not angry, he was _crying_. Tears formed I his brave deep eyes as he turned back to Kathryn, took her hands in his said softly "Tom I didn't think it was Tom!"

"Look Chakotay, I am sorry mate, I had no idea she was your wife." Tom was quick to insist. Then stumblingly added, "Ok sure, I knew you liked each other but I had no idea."

"Sure but she _knew _you and I were together!" Growled B'Elanna as she rounded angrily on Kathryn.

Chakotay looked away from his wife, let go of her hands and stepped in front of her to steady the raging half-klingon, looking deep into B'Elanna's set eyes Chakotay said in his steady fatherly tone "Look B'Elanna just calm down, I know you love Tom still and I still love Kathryn."

"She slept with another woman's partner while still married to you." Pointed out B'Elanna as she looked at Chakotay with much confusion although her anger was beginning to subside.

Chakotay stared into B'Elanna's eyes for a long silent moment and then nodded in agreement to her words saying, "I know, and for her part of sleeping with your partner she was wrong and I know she truly regrets it." Then turning to the younger man he added "no offence Tom"

"None taken" Tom replied with a smile. The love those two held for each other never stopped amazing him. Turning to Kathryn he took her hand giving a loving kiss, as he looked deep into her shinning blue eyes. Turning to B'Elanna he told her "but it is not up to you to condemn her for cheating on me."

As Chakotay slipped his loving hand of support into the small of his wife's lower back and gently stoked her to give her that reassurance B'Elanna's anger sank away when she saw the way her friend still loved her no matter what she had done "I don't understand Kathryn, Tom came to you as what? Captain? To talk with you of our problems?" B'Elanna asked.

Chakotay looked at Kathryn still stroking her back to give her that little bit of support she needed to speak up "No as a friend," Kathryn admitted "I found it hard to sleep on voyager, I spent many late nights in the mess hall. Tom used to join me for a few weeks, he couldn't sleep, it wasn't planned, and it just happened we shared that time together. I tried to help."

"By sleeping with him?" Tom's wife snapped, even Kathryn had to admit she my have worded it a little wrong.

"I cared for him and he for me." Kathryn sighed "as friends that was all."

"Have you even heard yourself?" the half klingon snapped back.

It was Chakotay who jumped to his wife's defence saying, "B'Elanna, it was such a long time ago, Kathryn, Tom, you, me it's almost a whole life time ago, does it matter anymore?"

"B'Elanna I am truly sorry, it was childish, it lasted a matter of weeks, we talked more than anything, got to know each other a little better, our fathers go way back, Owen saw me as his daughter, we mostly just talked." Kathryn was almost begging the half klingon to understand.

"But he gave you what Chakotay couldn't" B'Elanna stated. Nobody really knew if her intentions by that sentence was anger or not and if she was angry who with.

"Thanks B'Elanna." Growled Chakotay in response as he felt useless like he had let her down and driven her to sleep with another man, he knew if he had satisfied her she wouldn't have done it so there was some truth in B'Elanna's words but it still hurt to hear them spoken aloud.

"Look ok, there is no point blaming anyone." Tom jumped in feeling the guilt was his to bear just as much as Kathryn's.

"If you need to blame somebody B'Elanna blame me." said Kathryn in her usual way, she couldn't think of becoming between Tom and B'Elanna.

Slowly B'Elanna turned to the older woman and asked softly "why do you do that Kathryn?"

"What?" asked Kathryn confused.

"Take the blame for everything? Sacrifice yourself." Retorted the half-klingon.

"Look B'Elanna-" began Kathryn trying to explain.

"No Kathryn, Chakotay's right it was a different time, a different world then." B'Elanna cut across her old friend simply.

Suddenly it felt as though to four had little else to say to each other. Kathryn stood before them all feeling so vulnerable in her elegant white wedding gown. "Come on Lanna, maybe we should go" Whispered Tom and he guided his defused lass angry wife away from the newly married couple.

As they stood alone Kathryn watched the celebrating crowd, there to celebrate and support her marriage with the man she stood beside. "Tom?" Chakotay said softly to her.

"Are you angry?" she asked without even turning to look at her husband.

"No," came his soft and steady reply "though I didn't think it was Tom."

"Oh? Who did you think it was?" she asked him.

"I didn't dare think" Chakotay admitted, "I don't think I wanted to know, it would have been a lot better not knowing."

"Oh?" was all she asked in reply.

"Darling, we both made many mistakes in our marriage, as I have said before, you or I individually are not to blame. You fling or relationship or what ever it was with Tom was not the only mistake, my marriage to Seven didn't help and then there was everything in between."

"But?" Kathryn asked as she took her seat once more where she had been sat and returned to the drink Tom had brought her.

"But now I know it was Tom I think back to every little thing, ever little inkling I always had that your friendship was more than that. I wonder when and how."

"Chakotay please, does it matter?" she asked as she took his hand and pulled him to sit with her "we are talking of something that happened for a few weeks nineteen years ago.

"When Kathryn? Just tell me when? Did I not satisfy you?" Chakotay asked her wanting to know. It had hurt him so much to learn it was Tom, one of the senior staff, his friend, his best man and at times his confidant.

"Chakotay please don't think of it like that, it's our wedding day, please let us get it right this time." Kathryn begged as she handed him her glass of punch to share.

"When Kathryn?" Chakotay repeated steadily.

"Not that long after Steth." Stated Kathryn referring to a time four years in to their journey together when an alien named Steth had come on Voyager seemingly needing the crews assistance but switched bodies with Tom and then later Kathryn, meaning that Kathryn's consciousness was inside Toms body for a short period of time, even if she was asleep for most of it.

"Oh Kathryn." Sighed Chakotay, he remembered the strain their relationship was having at that time and all the ship knew of Tom and B'Elanna's relationship problems, why wouldn't the two be drawn to one another at that time.

"I am sorry." She whispered once more.

"I know my wife, I know" Chakotay smiled his dimpled smile as he took her hand and lead her the dance floor where he wrapped his new tiny, delicate wife in his arms and passionately kissed her lips before all the on looking crowd.

"I love you Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway, and you are mine to keep." he whispered deeply in her ear before he once more claimed her lips for himself.


	52. The cure

**A love lost and love's sacrifice.**

**Chapter 52.**

**The cure.**

"Kathryn darling" whispered Chakotay to his wife of nearly six months as he approached where she sat in the mid day sun on the terrace of their Indiana farmhouse. "Kathryn" he whispered slightly more forcefully as he approached and realised she had once again fallen asleep curled up with her book, of the old fashioned kind which she preferred over a story PADD. "Kathryn sweet heart." He sighed as he brushed her cold face with the back of his hand.

"Hummm?" came his wife's muffled response as she began to awaken from her afternoon sleep.

Slowly as her deep blue eyes fluttered open and met his eyes Chakotay took her hand and knelt beside her saying "it's time you were getting up darling, we need to get ready and I know you want to put the finishing touches on the painting."

"Well?" Kathryn asked her husband sometime later as she held up the painting she had just finished after spending nearly three weeks on it.

"Beautiful" he smiled with his dimples at her as he stood to admire his wife's masterpiece.

"Do you think she will like it?" Kathryn asked feeling slightly anxious of the up coming evenings event.

Chakotay took the painting from his wife, nodded at it before placing it down and wrapped his arms around her waist to draw her closer to him "yes Kathryn I do, don't worry." He offered in support.

"But wha-" began Kathryn

But it wasn't long before Chakotay cut across his wife saying "she will love it Kathryn, you painted it especially for her, for them, it's beautiful, now you should get ready before we are late." He told her packing her cheek with his lips and guiding her towards the stairs "Trellah is going to stay in with the little ones, Miral and Naomi are coming over too so it will just be you, me, Tom and B'Elanna." Kathryn stared deeply into her husbands eyes, the idea of seeing the Torres-Paris's scared her, it had been nearly six months since she had seen them, or even heard form them. Her wedding day had been the last she had heard from them. Chakotay picked up on the fear in his wife's eyes reassured her saying "I saw B'Elanna last week, she is really looking forward to seeing you and catching up."

"I know Chakotay, you keep telling me, but I still sort of blame myself." Kathryn told him as she watched him closely with her sapphire eyes blazing with fear.

"Well don't" Her husband told her lovingly as he stepped closer and took her hands in his and giving them a reassuring squeeze. "Kathryn, I know you're worried about B'Elanna but she loves you and cares." Taking in a breath he waited till his wife looked at him and then said calmly "I told her."

"You told her?" Kathryn almost shrieked "but Chakotay we agreed."

Chakotay looked lovingly into his wife's deep blue eyes and whispered reassuringly "She wants to help." As he cupped her face in his hand.

"That's not the point" sighed Kathryn giving in to her husband as she reached up and traced the lines of his tattoo with her fingertips "and don't tell me this little meeting now, out of the blue after six months is because you told her?" she asked tilting his head and meeting his jet black eyes.

"Does it matter why?" he asked her braking the physical connection and turning to the replicator to replicate his wife her favourite drink.

"Yes." Kathryn insisted. Chakotay turned to face her, a steaming mug of black coffee in one hand, as Kathryn caught the heavenly sent invading her nostrils she sighed and looked up at the dimpled smile across her husbands face. "Thanks" she replied smiling back and taking the coffee. As she smelt the aroma of her drink and then took the first warm sip she glanced up at her husband who was watching her closely "OK no." she added "it doesn't matter why, I am glad she wants to see me, it's been so boring without B'E, trying to get information on her from Sam, Miral and you has proven hopeless."

Chakotay just looked at his wife for a second and then burst out laughing, she really was wondrous to him sometimes "she'll love your gift" he smiled as he looked down at the painting she had put so much effort into.

"I know" came Kathryn's confident and infuriating reply and she walked past him out of their kitchen to go get herself ready for the evening dinner date at the Torres-Paris's. Chakotay simply watched her stalk out of the room past him and then laughed to himself, he listened to her go up the stairs, open the bathroom door, gasp at what she saw, called "Thank you darling, I love you!" with a hint of a laugh in her voice and then close the bathroom door before he even had chance to reply. Chakotay just stood there laughing and shaking his head, being married to Kathryn Janeway was wonderful, what he had wanted, in fact better than what he had wanted but it was never short of her interesting, stubborn quirkiness. It was that which made him happy to provide her with a warm bath, scented candles, lots of bubbles just how she liked it and not to forget steaming black coffee, which is what he had done for her then.

As Chakotay reached up to sound the door chine to the Torres-Paris home Kathryn grabbed her husbands other hand tightly and let her tiny, pale white fingers intertwine with his copper brown ones, she rested her face on his shoulder as she waited with bated breath for the door to open. Kathryn didn't really know what to expect, was she walking into the lions den or a flower garden? she did not know. Then slowly after what felt like an eternity the front door opened allowing the two visitors entrance. Chakotay steadily lead his very nervous wife into the large old-fashioned entrance hall. Tom Paris was stood waiting to greet his guests. After he exchanged a manly hug with Chakotay he turned to the very beautiful looking Kathryn who simply looked back at him.

"Kathryn!" He said with his usual smile as he went to embrace the woman he hadn't seen since her wedding day nearly six months prior.

Kathryn returned the smile but managed to divert the greeting from a hug and clasp Tom's hand in a slightly formal handshake. Tom looked at his former Captain with a confused and slightly hurt expression on his face but quickly brushed it aside as he said, "please take a seat in the sitting room, B'E will be down soon, can I get you something to drink? Tea Chakotay?"

When Chakotay said "yes, tea, thank you." In acceptance he wrapped his arm around his wife's waist and drew her close to his side for he sensed her uncomfortable with the situation.

"Kathryn? Let me guess you still on the coffee, black?" Tom asked with his usual grin, clearly trying to lighten the mood for all knew Kathryn Janeway would _never_ change her drink order.

When Kathryn did not reply she just began to look more and more worried Tom dropped his smile and looked to Chakotay who began to stroke his wife's back as he nodded at the younger man and host and said, "Yes please."

"Great" smiled Tom "Please take a seat in the sitting room, Lanna should be with you shortly."

As Chakotay and Kathryn made their way into the sitting room Tom watched his old friends with worry, she was the Kathryn he knew but still she wasn't, B'Elanna was right, maybe she wasn't too well.

It wasn't long before all four of the old friends where sat sipping warm drinks together in the sitting room. B'Elanna had greeted Kathryn with an over zealous and joyful hug. It completely put Kathryn at ease straight away and showed her that she had nothing to fear from the meeting with the half klingon.

"Kathryn, I wanted to say sorry for the way I reacted at your wedding." B'Elanna said directly to the older woman once the initial welcomes had died down.

"No need." Kathryn replied in her deep husky voice holding up her hand to silence B'Elanna and shaking her head.

B'Elanna looked from Kathryn to Chakotay who was watching his wife closely, she then turned to Tom who was urging her to continue. Slowly she turned back to Kathryn saying "I know you slept with Tom, he and I talked about it, about what happened on Voyager between you two."

Kathryn began to feel uneasy as she tried to talk in the younger mans defence "it's wasn't really Toms fault, I couldn't bare it if the two of you were to break up after so long of being married just because I was a lonely fool."

"You weren't the only lonely fool," Tom reminded her softly "and B'Elanna and I are not breaking up, we love each other, as you and Chakotay do."

"Oh" replied Kathryn as she gazed her wide blue eyes upon the younger couple "That's all right then." To which Chakotay laughed as he stroked his wife's back reassuringly.

"Are you and I ok?" B'Elanna asked her friend whom she hadn't seen in those past six months. "And believe me Kathryn I don't think your about to run off with my husband and I am ok with what happened between you all those years ago, it's like Chakotay said it was a different life, a different world."

Kathryn sat astounded by B'Elanna's words and could find anything to say in response. Tom laughed at the older woman's face expression as he stood before her and said "so do I get a hug from an old friend or not?"

Kathryn looked from Tom stood before where she sat with his arms spread out to receive a hug and then to her husband who reassuringly sat beside her urging her to hug the younger man. Then slowly her eyes fell on B'Elanna who was watching Kathryn with a slight amused expression on her face. Inside Kathryn still felt full of dread and fear and so it was with dread and uncertainty she stood to embrace the younger man whom she had once cheated on her husband with.

After she broke from the hug with Tom she smiled and said happily to both Tom and B'Elanna "it really is good to see you both again." As she sat to take her seat beside Chakotay she felt great relief and peace spread over her as she realised all things were going to be getting back to normal with her old friends Tom and B'Elanna.

Several hours past as the old friends relaxed in each other company, sharing stories of both on board Voyager and of times after Voyagers return. Jokes were shared and a lot of wine drunken. Kathryn was beginning to feel the effects and wasn't sure she was a young as she used to be when it came to evenings like this. Chakotay began to notice a visible drop in his wife's responses and coherent nature.

"Is she drunk?" Tom asked slightly worried, he had only brought two bottles of wine between all four of them; Kathryn still had a full glass meaning she had only drunk one glass of the fine red wine.

"No" replied Chakotay checking his watch "we should be off, it's late, she's just very exhausted, she tires much easier these days." He told them as he tried to awaken Kathryn's limp body from her sleep.

"Is she ok big man?" B'Elanna asked out of deep concern, as she looked closely at the now almost sleeping form of Kathryn Janeway, small and pale. It was then that B'Elanna saw for the first time how drawn and stretched the weary older woman was looking; frankly she was looking ill, very ill.

"I told you last time we met B'Elanna, she's not well." Chakotay said as he brushed the hair from his wife's face lovingly.

"How ill is not well?" Tom asked as he watched the way Chakotay was with Kathryn's delicate body.

"Truthfully?" Chakotay asked as he took Kathryn's limp hand in his firm copper brown hand.

"Truthfully" replied a very worried looking half klingon.

"Very ill." Sighed a heavy hearted Chakotay "but please don't ask me how or what because I don't know."

"You don't know?" asked Tom looking almost stunned "how can you not know what is causing your wife to become this ill?"

"This?" asked Chakotay shaking his head as he looked down at the sleeping form of his beautiful wife in his arms "this is nothing, this is her resting, though she does that more than being awake these days." Admitted Chakotay showing his old friends his worry for his wife.

"I don't understand?" questioned B'Elanna.

Chakotay lifted his head from looking at his wife to look into the stunned waiting eyes of the two younger people. B'Elanna sae the tears from in her dear friends eyes and it was then she knew to fear the worst, "she is dieing." Came Chakotay's cracked voice bringing what B'Elanna feared to her ears.

"Dieing?" questioned Tom, as he looked in horror at the older woman asleep and cradled in the arms of the man who loved her.

"What? How?" was all B'Elanna could force her self to say in horror. "How long have you known?"

"I don't know exactly what, but I think Kathryn does, but she wont say." Admitted Chakotay painfully. "How is Seven, when she tired to kill Kathryn she left a toxin in her blood."

"Have you known since then?" snapped B'Elanna.

Chakotay tightened his arm around Kathryn and gently brushed the hairs from her sleeping face as she lay on his chest "no I haven't" admitted Chakotay as he leaned down to plant a kiss on her sleeping head "she has."

"What?" gasped B'Elanna "I don't understand, if she knew how could you not?" accused the half klingon.

"A bit of a sore point, she didn't tell me." growled Chakotay still feeling the pain for that rejection "not at first anyway."

"But she has told you now?" asked Tom as he looked at the woman he admired so deeply.

"Seven told me, she didn't deny it." Chakotay told the horrified faces of his two dearest friends.

"But?" began B'Elanna "but how? I mean is there not a cure?"

"There is one" Chakotay admitted slowly "she told me there was none"

"She lied, about _that_?" Gasped Tom in horrified confusion.

"Yes" nodded Chakotay.

"Then how do you know of this cure?"

"The doctor told me, the morning of our wedding." At his words Chakotay found himself breaking down into tears. His heart broke, whatever way they chose now they were to face great pain. Tom and B'Elanna thought back to the morning of Chakotay's wedding to Kathryn and the argument that had ensued between the couple following Chakotay's conversation with the doctor.

Tom went over to Chakotay who still held the frail form of a sleeping Kathryn in his arms and placed a friendly supportive hand on his mates back "What is this cure?" Tom asked Chakotay.

"It's a hard one, one she didn't want me to know of." Admitted Chakotay sadly, do I have to respect that sit by and let her refuse to take it?

"But if there's a chance to-" insisted B'Elanna.

"The cure comes from her son." Chakotay cut across the half klingon sending the room into utter silence.

"Son?" Tom finally spluttered leaving Chakotay staring at the sleeping Kathryn wondering how much she would hate him if he said any more right then.

"Kathryn _has_ no children." B'Elanna told him confused "she told me once she can't ever have children."

"No I don't believe those are the exact words she used. Kathryn Janeway has a son," Chakotay stated shaking his head at the half klingon "I know she would never deny the son she bore." Chakotay stated coolly as he met the shocked and confused eyes of their two friends "Kathryn can _no longer _have children, an injury she endured during the same shuttle accident which killed her father and then fiancé Justin."

"I knew that." Admitted Tom "I also know of her unborn child." He said sadly.

"What unborn child?" snapped B'Elanna "I am so confused, just wait go back to the son."

"Kathryn has an estranged son, she shared with me of him many years ago, before New Earth. It is not my story to tell; I don't even really know it to tell it. I fear Kathryn may hate me for telling you this much, please understand I confide this in you only people of the fact it can save Kathryn's life."

"But who, the father?" B'Elanna asked.

Chakotay's watery eyes looked at the beautiful Kathryn as she rested on his chest as he whispered, "As I said it is Kathryn's story to tell, and one she must face, for the cure comes from a transplant from her son, with out it she will die."

**The End….**

…**. For now….**

**Firstly happy July 4th independence day to all my readers in the USA! **

**Here in the UK it was a boring working day but I wish all my US reader's wonderful holidays!**

**Secondly thank you to all those who have read this story right to the end! (I know it was long! - sorry!) But Kathryn and Chakotay are now married and HAPPY! **

**As you see it is not quite the end of our story! …. That's because there is far more to come! This is the middle part in a trilogy to make a novel length epic!**

**So the order is this: -**

_**1) One man's freedom fighter is another man's terrorist.**_

_**2) A love lost and loves sacrifice.**_

_**3) The beginning will be the end of all things. *Soon to be released watch this space! ***_

**So watch out for the next instalment coming to soon! I will let all those following this story know it's out when it is.**

**I want to add a special thanks to all those who reviewed this story and kept me going especially towards the end when I was hit by some personal problems. All my reviews have been wonderful and I love you all for your help, support and input but I would like to especially thank **_**Torimil**_** for her ongoing support, ideas and above all encouragement, it truly has been invaluable for me during the writing of this!**

**So hope you all like these two stories and are looking forward to the adventure of finding a cure for Kathryn and all the painfully dark things that will involve for her in order to like the happy, free and loving marriage she has always wanted with Chakotay! She must learn to lean on him a little in her bad times! Plus I want to see more of his kids! **

**Forgive me it has turned into a novel!...**

**But look out for **_**The beginning will be the end of all things, which**_** is coming soon! …. **

**Reviews and private messages always welcome!**


	53. THE NEXT PART NOW HERE!

**Hi dear readers, The last part of this trilogy is now up! So check out my story called "The beginning will be the end of all things."**

**If anyone has any comments don't hesitate to review or send me a PM. **

**Thanks once again for loving this trilogy!**

**Enjoy! X**


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